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FIVE  ACRES  TOG  MUCH. 


A  TRUTHFUL  ELUCIDATION 


§i;i)C  Attractions  of  tl)C  Couutri), 

AND 

A  CAREFUL  CONSIDERATION  OF  THE 

Question   of  Profit  and  Loss  as  involved  in 
Amateur  Farmings 

WITH    MUCH 

VALUABLE   ADVICE  AND   INSTRUCTION   TO   THOSE  ABOUT 

PURCHASING   LARGE    OR   SMALL  PLACES 

IN    THE    RURAL    DISTRICTS. 


NEW  AND   ENLARGED   EDITION, 
BY 

ROBERT    BARNWELL    ROOSEVELT, 

AUTHOR      OF     "game     FISH      OF      NORTH      AMERICA,"      "  SUPERIOR      FISHING, 

"  FLORIDA  AND  THE   GAME  WATER   BIRDS,"  "  PROGRESSIVE  PETTICOATS," 

"  FISH   HATCHING  AND   FISH  CATCHING,"  ETC. 


NEW   YORK: 

O.  JUDD  CO.     DAVID  W.  JUDD,  Pres. 

751  Broadway. 

1885. 


/^ii:t-4^/v.p^r 


MAIM  UWtAHTiAQBKULTUaE 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1885,  by  the 

O.    JuDD    Company, 

In  the  Ofiice  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


U 


TO 

THE  WRITERS  OF  BOOKS 

ON 

FARMING,  GARDENING,  HORTICULTURE,  AGRICUL- 
TURE, AND  FLORICULTURE, 

THIS  WORK  IS  RESPECTFULLY  DEDICATED, 

AS  AN  EVIDENCE 
OF  WHAT  CAN  BE  DONE  AND  WHAT  WONDERFUL  RESULTS 
CAN    BE    PRODUCED    BY  A    CAREFUL   STUDY   OF 
THEIR  DIRECTIONS  AND  STRICT  OBE- 
DIENCE TO  THEIR  RULES: 

AND 

AS  A  SLIGHT  TESTIMONIAL  TO  THE  ACCURACY,  LUCIDITY, 

AND   PRACTICABILITY  OF  THE  ADVICE  WHICH  THEY 

GIVE  AND  THE  EXPERIENCES  THEY  DESCRIBE; 

IN  THE  SINCERE  HOPE 

THAT  THEY  WILL  NEVER  WEARY  OF  COMPOSING  BOOKS 

EQUALLY  TRUTHFUL,  TRUSTWORTHY, 

AND  INTERESTING. 


THE  AUTHOR. 


526<i89 


CONTENTS. 


INTRODUCTION. 

Apotheosis  of  the  Country,  especially  of  such  Portions  of  the  Coun^ 
try  as  the  Author  has  for  sale. — Many  Attractions  and  still  more 
Lots  at  Flushing. — Simplicity  of  Farming,  and  Lucidity  of  Agri- 
cultural Books. — Profits  and  Pleasures  of  Rural  Life Page  ix 

CHAPTER  I. 

A   COW. 

Special  Points  about  the  Bovine  Race. — Directions  in  Feeding, — 
Preparations  to  receive  the  Animal. — Her  Arrival. — An  awful 
Pause.  — The  Fray  about  to  begin.  — Intelligence  of  Cows  and  Bid- 
dies.—  Victory. — A  Calm.  —  Cow  Complainings. —  Approaching 
Storm.  — A  Tempest  in  a  back  Yard. — Soothing  Effects  of  "Mash." 
—  Immense  Profits  and  glorious  Prospects  for  the  Future. — Pe- 
culiarities and  Eccentricities  of  the  Race  as  exhibited  in  a  con- 
fined Space. — She  is  sent  to  the  Country  for  the  benefit  of  her 
Health 19 

CHAPTER  IL 

A   HOUSE,  PLANS,  AND    SPECIFICATIONS. 

Wonderful  architectural  Genius  of  the  Author. — He  admires  himself 
and  consults  his  Friends. — Difficulties  in  obtaining  "just  the 
Thing." — Want  of  Time. — Free  Trade  in  Houses  advocated  as 
superior  to  Home  Production. — The  imported  Article  falls  into 
the  Hands  of  a  Philistine  named  Barney. — A  fresh  Arrival. — 
The  House  comes,  but  the  Builder  does  not. — The  Charge  of  the 
Light  Brigade,  and  Flight  of  the  Housekeeper 37 

CHAPTER  IIL 

MORE   LIVE-STOCK — A  HORSE  AND  A    PIG.      WHICH  IS   THE   NOBLER 
ANIMAL  ? 

Beauties  of  the  Pig. — Defects  of  the  Horse. — The  dearest  Pig  and 
the  dearest  Horse,  each  in  their  way. — A  haunted  House,  and  the 


vi  Contents. 

Effect  of  Ghosts  on  Horses.— The  Ghost  Story  precise!}'  as  it  oc 
curred. — ^Are  Ghosts  liable  to  Damages  when  they  frighten  Horses 
into  fits  of  running  away  ? — Equine  Eccentricities. — Practical  Play- 
fulness  Page  61 

CHAPTER  IV. 

THE    COUNTRY,  AND    HOW   TO   GET   THERE. 

Easy  Accessibility  of  Flushing. — An  improving  Railroad. — Educa- 
tion by  Steam. — True  Principles  of  Travel 77 

CHAPTER  V. 


A  Well,  considered  classically  and  otherwise. — A  Cat  in  search  of 
the  Truth. — A  Catastrophe. — Pumps  and  Vanities  of  Life. — A 
poor  Sucker. — Hydraulic  Pressure 8G 

CHAPTER  VI. 

A   KITCHEN    GARDEN. 

Advantages  thereof. — Things  to  have. — You  wish  you  may  get  them. 
— Ornamental  as  oi)posed  to  practical  Views. — A  dissolving  View. 
— Bad  Beginnings  do  not  always  make  a  good  Pending. — Daniel 
O'Rourke's  as  a  grazing  Crop. — The  new-mown  Hay. — Its  Flavor 
and  Flower. — Remarkable  Results  of  Gardening  for  Profit 97 

CHAPTER  VII. 

THE   FLOWER   GARDEN. 

Architectural  Skill  set  at  defiance  by  practical  Difficulties.— Result 
of  too  much  Greenness. — A  Disappointment Ill 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

POULTRY. 

Strange  Attack  of  Somnolency.— Dogs  and  Peppers  as  awakeners. 
— The  riglit  Thing  in  the  wrong  Place. — A  Hen  lays  herself  out. 
—Twenty  pair  of  Chickens  raise  the  Hair  of  one  Mink........  124 

CHAPTER  IX. 

FALL    WORK. 

A  Fortune  in  Strawberries. — Hoav  to  get  it  out. — Debility  developed. 
— Science  to  the  Rescue. — The  wonderful  Effects  of  a  Liquid  Fer- 


C  O  N  T  E  N  T  S.  vii 

tilizer.  —  No  Farmer  should  fail  to  have  such  a  Thing  iti  the 
House l:*age  13G 

CHAPTER  X. 

PROFIT   AND   LOSS. 

Immense  pecuniary  Advantages  of  high  old  Fanning. — Exactitude 
the  Foimdation  of  Success  in  Life. — A  plain  Statement. — General 
Reflections. — An  amateur  Butcher. — Boiled  salt  Pork 148 

CHAPTER  XI. 

THE   FLUSHING    SKATING-POND— A    DIGRESSION. 

A  nice  Man  as  an  Ice-man IGl 

CHAPTER  XII. 

THE    SECOND  YEAR. 

A  new  Start,  with  no  Drawbacks. — Immense  Results,  but  not  pre- 
cisely what  was  wanted. — The  great  Pea  turns  out  small. — Won- 
derful obstinacy  of  Plants IGD 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

SCIENCE. 

Knowledge  is  Power. — The  new  F'lower. — A  Thing  of  Beauty. — Ap- 
pearance contrasted  with  Perfume. — The  Fox  is  the  Finder..   171) 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

A    SECOND    DIGRESSION FAIRY    TALES    FOR    LITTLE    FOLKS. 

Retributive  Justice. — Don't  be  such  a  Goose 189 

CHAPTER  XV. 

NUISANCES,   INHUMAN    AND    HUMAN.       PETS THE    CHARM   OF    COUN- 
TRY   LIFE. 

With  a  few  Reservations. — Flies  on  the  Rampage. — Wonderful  Dis- 
covery.— Dogs  on  Seedlings. — A  Hop-toad  Hunt 203 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

BUTTER-MAKING.       SEEDS    AND   THE   DEVIL. 

Butter-making  in  all  its  Attractions. — The  Cream  unequal  to  the 
P^mergency. — Some  Things  can't  be  Done  as  well  as  Others. — 
Electrical  Phenomena. — Gathering  Seed. — Incidental  Reference 
to  Satan  and  his  Works — not  his  agricultural  ones 210 


viii  Contents. 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

SUCCESS    OF   THE   YEAR. 

A  second  Year's  Balance-sheet. — Still  greater  Promises. — Success 
assured. — Every  Man  should  be  his  own  Market  Gardener. — No 
dearth  of  Onions. — Transported  at  the  Result. — The  last  of  the 
family  Horse. — He  closes  his  (Career  by  a  wonderful  Feat  in  draw- 
ing Teeth Page  233 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

PREPARATIONS    FOR   REMOVAL. 

The  window  Garden. — Warm  Work. — Immense  Resources  of  Sci- 
ence.— Mind  against  Matter. — What  can  the  Matter  be? — The 
new  Flower 2.53 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

A    GREAT   RUNNER. 

A  perfect  Jonah. — Very  fine,  only  don't  do  it  again. — A  Gourd 
runs  away  with  its  Master. — A  changeable  Crimson. — A  new 
Specimen  of  Flax,  Red  one  Year  and  Yellow  the  next 200 

CHAPTER  XX. 

A    BEAUTIFUL   NEW   COACH. 

A  Rockaway  stricken  with  Palsy. — Sudden  Recovery. — Honesty  of 
country  Mechanics  their  best  Recommendation. — A  Roof  over 
one's  Head. — Its  Necessity,  as  well  as  Beauty. — A  Fellow-feeling 
makes  us  willing  to  lend  Shingles. — The  latter  End 283 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

THREE  HUNDKED  ACRES  NOT  ENOUGH. 

New  Farms.— More  Land.— No  Rooms  for  Mushrooms.— Many 
Sects  of  Insects. — The  Squash. — Unexpected  Fungi. — The 
Triumph  that  Grazed  Defeat.— The  Joys  of  Memory 297 


INTRODUCTION. 


XT  was  in  consequence  of  reading  a  little  volume 
called  "  Ten  Acres  Enough" — a  practical  and  sta- 
tistical, as  well  as,  in  cei^tain  points,  a  poetical  produc- 
tion— that  I  came  to  prepare  this  volume.  In  that 
work  a  charming  and  interesting  account  is  given  of 
the  successful  attempt  of  a  Philadelphia  mechanic  to 
redeem  a  strip  of  exhausted  land  of  ten  acres  in  ex- 
tent. In  the  course  of  it,  a  vast  deal  of  advice  and 
most  valuable  directions  are  given  on  the  subject  of 
planting  and  sowing,  draining  and  reaping,  manuring 
and  pruning ;  berries  and  fruits,  vines  and  vegetables, 
are  duly  considered ;  and  the  question  of  outlay  and 
income,  expenses  and  receipts,  losses  and  profits,  is 
forever  ding-donged  into  one's  ears.  So  useful  is 
the  instruction  it  contains,  that  no  one  should  think 
of  buying  a  farm,  experimenting  in  rm*al  life,  or 
even  reading  this  book,  without  first  perusing  that 
one.  To  be  siu'e,  the  author  forgets  occasionally 
some  minor  matters — such  as  clothing,  food,  and  the 
A2 


X  Introduction. 

like,  leaving  his  family  naked  and  unfed  for  several 
years — but  that  is  doubtless  due  to  his  poetical  tem- 
perament and  intense  love  of  nature.  In  the  same 
spirit,  therefore,  no  matter  how  frequently  I  may  re- 
fer to  money  matters  in  the  course  of  the  following 
pages,  even  if  I  should  occasionally  condescend  to 
speak  of  food  and  raiment — those  commonplace  ne- 
cessities— it  must  be  understood  to  be  with  no  sordid 
view;  and  if  I  keep  these  matters  before  the  read- 
er's attention,  it  will  be  for  the  sole  purpose  of  bene- 
fiting and  enlightening  him,  and  pointing  out  clearly 
the  financial  consequence  of  investing  in  rural  resi- 
dences. 

The  country — how  beautiful  it  is!  To  a  man 
wearied  with  the  cares  of  city  life ;  who  has  pursued 
an  exhausting  profession  for  several  years  with  vig- 
orous energy ;  who  has  taken  a  hand  in  politics,  at- 
tended caucuses  and  Conventions,  and  helped  to  "  run 
the  machine ;"  who  has  a  philanthropic  turn  of  mind, 
and  gone  on  committees  and  made  public  collec- 
tions ;  and  who,  moreover,  has  abundant  means — this, 
though  last,  is  by  no  means  least — the  country,  with 
its  green  leaves,  its  lovely  flowers,  its  waving  grass, 
its  early  vegetables,  and  its  luscious  fruits,  is  most  at- 
tractive ;  and  where  a  residence  can  be  obtained 
which  combines  all  these  luxuries  with  pure  air,  and 


Intro  d  u  c  t  i  o  n.  xi 

no  chills  and  fever,  and  which  is  not  too  remote  from 
city  life  and  its  attractions,  it  is  as  near  to  Paradise 
as  this  world  permits. 

There  are  many  such  places  near  New  York. 
Gorgeous  villas  dot  the  banks  of  the  Hudson,  and 
congregate  together  thickly  on  Staten  Island ;  there 
are  beautiful  spots  along  the  coves  of  Westchester 
County,  and  persons  who  do  not  mind  expatriating 
themselves  go  to  Jersey;  but  there  is  one  locality 
that  far  surpasses  all  others.  The  steep  banks  of  the 
Hudson,  cut  off  as  they  are  from  the  westerly  winds 
by  the  Palisades  and  higher  hills  beyond  them,  are 
uncomfortably  hot ;  Staten  Island  is  overrun  by  sour- 
krout- eating,  lager -beer -drinking,  and  small -bird- 
shooting  Germans,  who  trespass  with  Teutonic  de- 
termination wherever  their  notions  of  sportsmanship 
or  the  influence  of  lager  leads  them;  Westchester 
County,  like  some  of  our  famous  prima  donnas^  is 
fair  to  look  upon,  but  great  on  shakes — too  much  so 
for  perfect  repose  ;  and  Jersey  will  be  a  pleasant 
place  to  live  in  when  the  inhabitants,  individually 
and  as  a  government,  cease  to  live  off  strangers. 

The  locality  referred  to — the  chosen  spot  of  this 
earth — the  Eden  of  a  country  village — has  none  of 
these  drawbacks.  An  invigorating  breeze  blows  over 
pure   salt  marshes ;   Germans  do  not  trespass  nor 


xii  Introduction. 

make  one  afraid ;  no  man  residing  there  has  ever 
had  a  case  of  cliills  and  fever,  no  matter  what  may 
have  happened  to  his  neighbor,  where  the  boys  are 
forever  out  o'  nights  and  exposed  to  the  dew ;  and 
tlie  inhabitants  are  always  ready  to  kindly  take  a 
stranger  in. 

It  is  a  village,  and  yet  country  houses  stand  em- 
bosomed in  majestic  trees;  cows  pasture  in  the  va- 
cant lots  and  bellow  in  the  streets ;  nurseries  for  the 
propagation  of  trees  and  shrubs  give  a  condensed 
edition  of  miniature  forests,  and  furnish  in  one  rod 
the  flowers  that  Nature,  if  left  alone  to  her  parsimo- 
nious way,  would  scatter  over  an  acre ;  gas  is  in  the 
residences,  pigs  root  in  the  public  roads,  and  early 
peas  are  combined  with  plank  side-walks.  This  un- 
equaled  concentration  of  attractions  can  be  reached 
in  thirty  minutes  from  either  the  upper  or  lower 
part  of  the  city — of  course  Xew  York  city  is  meant, 
as  no  one  need  leave  Philadelphia  or  Boston  to  get 
into  the  country — and  by  a  most  delightful  route, 
partly  on  water  and  partly  by  railroad.  The  trains 
run  every  hour  all  through  the  day,  and  the  line  is 
tlie  safest  in  the  world.  This  spot,  so  desirable,  so 
iniinitely  superior  to  all  others,  is  Flushing,  Long 
Island. 

I  have  some  property  at  Flushing  whicli  I  sliould 


Introduction.  xiii 

like  to  sell  in  lots  to  suit  purchasers ;  in  fact,  it  is 
five  acres  of  such  lots — the  five  acres  that  this  book 
is  all  about.  I  owned  this  superior  investment  when 
"  Ten  Acres  Enough"  led  nie  to  thinking  that  if  the 
author  could  make  such  a  delicious  thing  of  a  plot  of 
sand  in  Xew  Jersey,  as  much  could  probably  be  done 
with  half  the  area  in  the  fine  soil  of  Flushing.  Un- 
fortunately, my  land  had  no  improvements,  but  then 
it  was  a  magnificent  level  square,  precisely  like  a 
block  in  the  city,  and  admirably  adapted  to  building. 
Othei-wise  my  five  acres  were  full  as  good  as  the  half 
of  his  ten  acres ;  the  grass  seemed  to  be  abundant, 
for  the  cows  of  the  entire  neighborhood  had  grazed 
on  it  from  time  innnemorial ;  a  previous  owner  had 
been  once  known  to  plant  cabbages,  and  the  tradition 
is  that  they  grew  and  came  out  cabbages,  and  did 
not,  as  they  usually  do,  spread  themselves  and  be- 
come very  fine  but  rather  loose  leaves.  The  soil 
was  deep,  a  well  ha\ing  l)een  sunk  on  the  adjoining 
property  without  descending  beyond  it,  or  reaching 
any  water  worth  speaking  of;  and  the  exposure  was 
as  sunny  as  could  be  desired — there  being  only  six 
trees,  and  one  of  those  in  doubtful  health,  on  the  en- 
tire five  acres.  Teachei*s  generally  say,  on  receiving 
a  new  pupil  from  another  master,  that  there  is  more 
trouble  to  milearn  than  to  learn;   here  there  was 


xiv  Introduction. 

nothing  to  be  undone — everything  was  to  be  done. 
It  was  not  exactly  a  virgin  soil,  but,  like  a  lovely 
widow,  it  had  lain  fallow — a  friendly  farmer  made 
use  of  that  word — so  long,  that  it  would  be  grateful 
for  the  touch  of  a  rake  or  a  hoe.  There  was  no  gar- 
den, no  fence,  no  orchard,  and  no  fruit-trees  of  any 
kind  except  one  apple-tree,  but  then  the  nurseries 
and  a  little  labor  would  make  this  right. 

An  unpleasant  suspicion  crossed  my  mind  that 
perhaps  it  would  have  been  better  if  some  of  these 
things  had  been  done  to  my  hand,  and  that  possibly 
I  was  not  exactly  the  man  to  do  them  in  the  best 
way ;  but  a  second  perusal  of  "  Ten  Acres  Enough" 
was  enough  for  me,  and  these  absurd  doubts  were 
banished  forever.  If  an  uneducated  mechanic  could 
leave  Philadelphia,  rescue  a  decaying  farm,  and  make 
it  splendidly  remunerative,  why  could  not  an  edu- 
cated lawyer  from  New  York  convert  an  uninjured 
farm  into  the  eighth  or  ninth-r-we  Americans  have 
added  a  few  to  them — wonder  of  the  world  ? 

The  affair  was  as  simple  as  could  be.  With  a  class- 
book  of  botany,  a  recipe  from  Professor  Mapes,  a 
few  cuttings  of  some  wonderful  new  berry — of  which, 
doubtless,  there  were  plenty,  and  Bridgman's  "  Gar- 
dener's Assistant,"  the  result  was  certain.  It  was 
merely  a  question  of  seeds,  weeds,  and  manure — the 


Introduction.  xv 

first  and  last  to  be  encouraged,  and  the  other  to  be 
eradicated. 

After  all,  what  is  the  wonderful  science  in  farm- 
ing ?  You  put  a  seed  in  the  ground,  and  it  comes 
up — that  is,  if  it  does  come  up — either  a  pea  or  a 
bean,  a  carrot  or  a  turnip,  and,  with  your  best  skill 
and  greatest  learning,  you  can  not  plant  a  pea  and 
induce  it  to  come  up  a  bean,  or  convert  a  carrot  into 
a  turnip.  As  for  planting,  any  fool  can  do  that,  and 
as  for  making  it  grow,  the  wisest  man  in  the  land 
can  not  effect  it.  These  and  a  few  other  similar  ar- 
guments were  entirely  conclusive,  and  soon  visions 
of  the  accomplished  fact  engrossed  my  mind. 

I  should  have  a  neat,  modest,  small,  but  cosy  little 
house ;  square,  for  economy's  sake,  but  surrounded 
on  all  sides  by  a  deep  piazza ;  the  garden  should  be 
filled  with  delicious  vegetables,  fruits,  and  berries, 
tlie  earliest  and  best  of  their  kinds ;  there  should  be 
a  magnificent  bed  of  asparagus — that  king  of  the 
kitchen  garden — a  dozen  long  rows  of  strawberries, 
with  fruit  as  luscious  as  a  young  girl's  lips ;  Bartlett 
pears,  early  peas,  peaches  and  cream — the  latter  only 
indirectly  vegetable  —  cauliflowers,  tomatoes,  mush- 
rooms, lettuce — every  thing,  in  fact,  that  a  gentleman 
eats  when  he  can  get  it,  and  nothing  that  he  eschews 
when  he  can  do  no  better.     The  residue  of  the  farm 


Xvi  I.  N  T  ROD  U  C  T  I  O  N. 

was  to  be  partly  orchard  and  partly  market  garden, 
and  this  was  to  supply  the  family  during  the  winter 
and  pay  the  expenses  of  the  household. 

It  is  an  immense  satisfaction,  of  a  hot  evening  in 
summer,  even  in  the  prematurely  scorching  days  of 
June,  to  leave  the  city,  after  a  long  day  of  labor  and 
trouble,  and,  rushing  away  with  railroad  speed  into 
the  country,  to  enjoy  the  delicious  air  and  cool 
breeze,  to  sit  beneath  the  outspreading  trees,  to  wan- 
der through  the  woods,  to  bathe  in  the  brook,  to  doze 
or  smoke  in  the  shade.  The  scent  of  the  blossoms 
or  the  hay,  or  no  smell  at  all,  is  sucli  an  exquisite  re- 
lief from  the  customary  odors  of  New  York  streets. 
The  sun  seems  to  lose  half  and  the  air  to  gain  double 
its  ordinary  power.  The  pleasures  are  so  innocent, 
the  matters  of  interest  so  pure,  the  mind  is  braced 
but  not  wearied.  The  garden,  ^vhether  kitchen  or 
flower  garden — those  delightful  adjuncts  of  a  coun- 
try place — is  such  an  infinite  source  of  health,  im- 
provement, and  delight.  Man,  confined  to  the  city 
by  dire  necessity  of  money-making,  recognizing  the 
country  as  the  natural  sphere  of  his  existence,  dreams 
of  a  neat,  quiet,  retired  country  place,  and  books  such 
as  "  Ten  Acres  Enough"  persuade  him  to  convert 
these  dreams  into  realities. 

I  had  always  been  troubled  with  similar  visions, 


Introduction.  xvii 

although  by  a  strange  fatality  my  education  in  coun- 
try matters  had  been  wofully  neglected,  for  I  could 
hardly  distinguish  tomato-vines  from  egg-plants,  and 
liad  not  the  remotest  notion  of  modes  or  seasons  of 
planting ;  but,  now  that  there  was  a  possibility  that 
these  imaginings  might  be  realized,  I  was  so  charm- 
ed, that  I  resolved  to  record  my  experiences  for  the 
guidance  and  instruction  of  others.  Thus  it  came 
about  that  this  work  was  written ;  and  if  it  is  occa- 
sionally defective  in  style  and  irregular  in  plan,  it  is 
probably  not  more  so  than  was  my  farming. 

In  looking  over  this  introduction  with  a  view  to 
getting  up  a  revised  and  enlarged  edition  of  "  Five 
Acres  too  Much"  some  fifteen  years  after  the  origi- 
nal was  written,  I  find  little  to  add  and  less  to 
change  in  it.  Finding  my  farm  of  five  acres  so 
remarkably  improving,  productive,  and  remunera- 
tive, I  purchased  one  of  twenty-five,  afterwards 
another  of  a  hundred  and  twenty,  and  now  I  own, 
have,  hold,  possess,  till,  and  enjoy  three  hundred 
and  fifty  broad  acres  of  health  and  fertility.  To- 
day I  am  the  ''  past  grand  "  of  farmers,  for  I  have 
raised  the  giant  squash  which  admits  to  the  in- 
nermost circles  of  the  initiated.  My  readers  will 
be  glad  to  learn  that  Patrick  is  still  with  me.  My 
farming  and  my  writings  on  farm-life  would  have 


xviii  Introduction. 

been  a  failure  without  his  efficient  aid,  and  he  still 
possesses  that  versatility  of  resources  which  in  the 
original  pages  of  this  work  almost  elevated  him  to 
the  rank  of  genius.  I  have  added  some  of  our 
modern  experiences,  and  believe  the  patient  reader 
will  find  them  fully  equal  to  anything  I  had  previ- 
ously chronicled.  When  my  dear  old  friend  and 
instructor  Mr.  Horace  Greeley  first  read  my  humble 
contribution  to  the  literature  of  plough  and  spade, 
he  pronounced  the  unpleasant  criticism  that  "the 
man  who  wrote  that  book  ought  to  be  kicked." 
But  I  felt  that  he  was  in  error,  or  that  possibly 
jealousy  rather  than  public  spirit  dictated  his  cyni- 
cal words,  because  "  What  I  knew  about  Farming" 
differed  in  some  essentials  from  what  he  knew,  al- 
though we  had  in  the  main  reached  the  same  results. 
An  additional  chapter  gives  my  subsequent  opera- 
tions, which  were  as  gloriously  successful  as  the  pre- 
vious ones,  and  prove  beyond  dispute  the  delight, 
benefit,  and  profit  of  rural  occupations  when  they 
are  intelligently  conducted  by  a  citizen  of  liberal 
education,  scientific  attainments,  and  vigorous  back. 

The  Author. 
May,  1885. 


FIVE   ACEES   TOO   MUCH. 


CHAPTER  I. 

A   COW. 

XT  was  early  in  winter  when  I  made  up  my  mind 
-^  finally  to  erect  a  country  house  on  the  Flushing 
five  acres.  Plans,  and  size,  and  arrangements  were 
in  the  ^'ague  and  misty  future ;  for  months  the 
ground  could  not  be  broken  to  build  tlie  founda- 
tions, and  little  could  be  done  besides  preparing  for 
the  next  year.  The  first  thing  that  seemed  of  vital 
importance  was  the  stock.  Pigs  and  chickens  could 
be  obtained  at  any  time ;  horses  had  to  be  had,  of 
course,  but  need  not  bother  one  till  the  last  moment ; 
but  a  cow  was  a  creature  that  must  be  taken  when 
a  good  one  offered.  Moreover,  I  have  a  weakness 
for  cows :  it  is  a'  purely  theoretical  interest,  for  my 
knowledge  is  less  than  moderate,  not  even  extending 
to  the  mode  of  milking  them  ;  but  their  big  eyes, 
and  gentle  manners,  and  unnecessary  horns,  and  split 


20  FiveAcrestooMuch. 

feet,  have  always  filled  my  heart  with  love  and  won- 
der. Horses  are  miserable  creatures,  invariably  do- 
ing precisely  what  they  ought  not  to  do,  kicking 
when  they  ought  to  go,  going  when  they  ought  to 
stand  still,  balking  when  their  owner  is  in  the  most 
frantic  haste ;  forever  sick,  or  lame,  or  requiring  to 
be  shod — a  pest,  a  nuisance,  and  a  bore.  But  cows 
do  not  balk,  or  run,  or  go  lame,  or  need  shoeing ; 
and  although  they  occasionally  kick  over  the  milk- 
pail,  it  is  probably  with  good  reason  or  with  the  best 
of  intentions.  They  have  nice  long  coats  that  keep 
them  from  catching  cold  in  winter,  and  have  an  odd 
way  of  perspiring  through  their  noses  that  is  as  cu- 
rious as  it  is  interesting.  A  cow  is  a  model — with- 
out referring  to  this  last  peculiarity — for  a  wife ;  she 
is  gentle,  good,  and  beautiful,  and  never  makes  a 
fuss.     The  first  point,  therefore,  was  to  buy  a  cow. 

I  had  a  friend  living  at  Flushing  named  Augustus 
Weeville,  who  had  been  there  several  years,  and  who 
had  acquired  great  knowledge  of  the  intricacies  of 
rural  performances,  and,  among  other  things,  was 
learned  in  cows.  In  fact,  he  was  learned  in  most 
farming  matters,  and,  being  naturally  proud  of  his 
adopted  village,  and  interested  in  my  success  in  em- 
igrating thither,  gave  me  throughout  his  valuable  ad- 
vice and  assistance. 


A   Cow.  21 

Of  coTirse,  his  aid  was  called  in  on  the  cow  ques- 
tion, and  equally,  of  course,  he  knew  an  Irishman — 
by-the-bj,  what  can  be  the  reason  that  Irishmen  are' 
the  only  people  that  have  cows  to  sell?  Is  it  be- 
cause they  love  cows,  or  hate  them  ?  The  whole 
world  knows  their  "  strong  weakness"  for  pigs,  bnt 
do  they  collect  rare  specimens  of  cows  out  of  pure 
affection,  to  dispose  of  to  curiosity  -  seekers  having 
good  homes  'i  Or  is  it  that  they  love  pigs  too  well 
to  endure  the  presence  of  a  rival,  and  dispose  of  the 
bovine  race  as  fast  as  they  obtain  them  ?  However 
that  may  be,  if  you  ever  want  a  cow,  an  Irishman 
will  want  to  sell  you  one ;  and  this  particular  Irish- 
man liad  a  particularly  fine  animal — just  the  thing 
for  the  occasion. 

Before  purcliasing,  I  made  a  few  elementary  in- 
quiries— as  to  what  cows  eat,  how  nmch  exercise  they 
needed,  in  what  manner  they  were  to  be  stabled,  and 
how  many  quarts  of  oats  they  would  require  daily. 
My  friend  replied  that  they  preferred  a  warm  mash, 
to  be  given  three  times  a  day;  and  when  he  saw 
from  my  countenance  that  my  mind  was  a  blank  on 
the  subject  of  warm  mashes,  he  explained  that  hot 
water  was  poured  upon  bran  and  meal  mixed,  and 
that  the  mixture  was  then  usually  called  a  mash,  al- 
though why  and  wherefore  he  could  not  distinctly 


22      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

say.  Then,  carried  away  by  the  extent  of  his  knowl- 
edge, and  rousing  to  the  subject,  he  went  into  the 
habits  of  cows  in  general ;  that  he  thought  ship-stuff 
was  an  excellent  change  of  diet ;  that  they  liked  hay, 
turnips,  carrots,  potato -peelings,  bread,  slops  of  all 
kinds  that  w^ere  not  greasy ;  that  they  were  not  fed 
oats,  and  required  no  exercise  and  no  care .  in  the 
stable,  but  stood  in  the  sun  all  day  long,  winking 
and  blinking  w^ith  contentment,  and  put  themselves 
to  bed  at  night ;  that  the  one  he  referred  to  was  not 
young,  but  gentle  and  a  good  milker;  and  mentioned 
incidentally  that  he  hardly  knew  where  I  w^ould  keep 
her  in  the  city,  as  no  cow  would  ever  go  down  the 
area  steps  and  through  a  narrow  hall- way  into  a  back 
yard. 

Now  I  knew  nothing  of  bran,  and  meal,  and  ship- 
stuff,  and  only  listened  with  an  attempt  at  an  intel- 
ligent smile,  satisfied  that  the  articles  could  be  pur- 
chased by  name,  and  without  explaining  their  nature; 
but  I  was  well  aware  that  the  yard  was  the  only  place 
in  which  to  keep  the  cow,  and  that  the  road  to  it  was 
down  the  steps  and  through  the  lower  hall ;  at  least, 
if  there  was  any  other  way  thither,  I  had  not  yet  dis- 
covered it,  and  I  had  owned  my  house  then  some 
twenty  years.  So  this  casual  objection  was  quite  a 
serious  one,  and  we  were  compelled  to  discuss  the 


A   Cow.  23 

feasibility  of  leading  the  animal  up  the  front  steps — 
a  proceeding,  however,  which  would  have  required 
her  to  go  down  the  back  ones — or  hoisting  her  over 
the  fence.  As  these  measures  did  not  seem  prac- 
ticable, and  a  cow  must  be  had,  my  friend  mildly 
suggested  that  several  Irislimen  with  a  stout  rope 
miglit  drag  her  through  tlie  passage-way ;  and  as  my 
faith  in  the  nature  of  covrs  was  illimitable,  it  was 
determined  to  make  the  purchase  on  the  chance. 
The  weight  of  a  cow  was  to  me  an  utterly  unknown 
quantity,  and  the  floor  she  was  to  pass  over  ha^nng 
once,  on  a  previous  occasion,  and  without  any  great 
strain,  given  way,  a  carpenter  liad  to  be  called  in  to 
strengthen  it.  He,  in  his  enthusiasm,  and  being  prob- 
ably as  ignorant  as  myself,  used  so  many  supports 
that  it  would  have  been  strong  enough  to  carry  an 
elephant,  while  four  able-bodied  men  were  engaged 
fi'om  a  neighboring  stable,  and  provided  with  a  good- 
sized  rope,  so  tliat  we  were  fully  prepared  for  any 
emergency. 

In  order  tliat  there  may  be  no  mistake  in  the  debit 
and  credit  of  this  transaction,  it  must  be  known  that 
the  cow  cost  $100,  to  be  delivered  at  the  door  free  of 
charge.  So  this  sum  must  be  charged  to  principal 
as  so  much  invested  in  stock,  whetlier  it  ever  entered 
my  back  yard  or  not ;  and  the  interest  on  it  will  here- 


24:  Five  Acres   too  Much. 

after  be  one  of  the  current  expenses,  amounting,  at 
seven  per  cent.,  to  exactly  $7  a  year.  It  is  essential 
that  these  matters  should  be  watched;  "look  after 
the  pennies,  and  the  pounds  will  take  care  of  them- 
selves ;"  and  the  point  would  be  whether  the  cow's 
milk  and  so  forth  would  hereafter  pay  $7  annually 
net  profit. 

The  day  appointed  to  receive  my  new  pet  arrived, 
and  with  it  the  animal,  while  four  brawny,  red-hand- 
ed Irishmen,  strong  enough  to  pick  her  up  and  carry 
her  if  she  resisted,  were  at  the  door.  They  at  once 
became  excited,  and  prepared  for  action,  and  the  cow 
looked  wild  and  threatening  as  they  closed  in  around 
her.  Her  owner,  who  was  leading  her  with  a  cord, 
called  out  "  soo-so-o-o"  in  a  deprecatory  manner,  that 
evidently  produced  no  effect ;  he,  however,  got  her 
head  to  the  first  step,  where  she  hesitated,  and  began 
to  sniff  suspiciously.  The  moment  of  action  had  evi- 
dently come,  and  I  w^as  about  to  shout  to  my  support- 
ers, who  had  been  carefully  instructed  as  to  their 
duties, "  Up,  guards,  and  at  her,"  when  the  lower  door 
opened,  and  an  intelligent  Irish  female  appeared, 
holding  a  turnip  in  her  liand.  The  effect  was  mag- 
ical; the  creature's  countenance  changed  instantly; 
turnips  evidently  had  been  scarce  with  her,  or  her 
owner,  not  thinking  it  worth  while  to  waste  food 


A   C  ( )  w. 


25 


that  would  not  l)e  paid  for,  had  left  her  hungry;  she 
advanced  her  nose  expectantly,  and,  as  the  tempting 
viand  was  skillfully  withdrawn,  followed  it  and  the 
"  retiring  maid"  down  the  steps,  through  the  hall, 
and  into  the  yard. 


Four  natives  of  the  "  Gem  of  the  Sea"  were  sadly 
disappointed ;  they  came  for  an  "  illegant  bit  of  a 
scrimmage,"  and  determined  to  make  that  cow  4^ 
what  slie  did  not  want  to  do,  as  well  as  increase  their 
reward  by  extraordinary  violence ;  and  they  would 
have  liked  to  follow  her,  and,  as  they  could  not  make 

B 


26  Five   A  c  r  p:  s    too   Much. 

her  go  in,  make  her  come  out  against  her  will,  and 
without  the  allurement  of  turnips.  Of  this  satis- 
faction her  incomprehensible  behavior  had  deprived 
them,  and  thej  w^ent  away  sad  and  disappointed  men. 
This  incident  only  placed  the  character  of  cows  on 
a  still  more  exalted  pedestal,  and  fully  justified  my 
confidence. 

My  friend  Weeville  had  given  me  specific  direc- 
tions in  writing  how  to  feed  that  cow ;  exactly  how 
much  bran — of  whicli,  after  some  trouble,  and  a  vain 
attempt  to  buy  a  few  pounds  of  it,  1  had  obtained  a 
bag — was  to  be  mixed  witli  a  certain  proportion  of 
meal ;  and  how  often  daily  this  mess,  which  is  prob- 
ably English  for  mash,  covered  with  warm  water^was 
to  be  fed ;  and  about  how  much  hay  would  fill  up  the 
intervals.  These  instructions  were  carefully  trans- 
mitted to  the  servant  w^ho  had  charge  of  the  dairy, 
with  particular  injunctions  to  carry  them  out  to  the 
letter,  and  not  to  deviate  from  them  in  the  smallest 
particular. 

For  several  days  my  new  purchase  demeaned  her- 
self unexceptionably,  being  quiet  and  well-behaved ; 
but  at  the  end  of  about  a  week  she  began  to  bellow, 
and  kept  on  increasing  her  complaints  daily  until 
they  became  unendurable.  Neighbors  put  their 
heads  out  of  windows,  evidently  meditating  dire  re- 


A  Cow.  27 

solves  unless  "  something  were  done,  and  that  short- 
ly," whenever  I  went  into  the  yard  to  appease  her. 

What  to  do  was  not  very  clear.  When  my  dog 
howls  I  go  out  and  whip  him,  and  he  appears  to  think 
that  is  the  right  thing  to  do,  and  stops ;  but  a  cow  is 
such  a  big  thing  to  wliip,  and  she  did  not  seem  to  be 
in  the  least  mollified  by  a  few  strokes  of  a  stick  that 
I  tried.  Gratitude  for  my  good  opinion  should  have 
induced  that  cow  to  take  a  hint  from  her  equine 
friends  and  put  a  "  bridle  on  her  tongue,"  but,  instead 
of  doing  so,  she  gave  free  vent  to  her  feelings,  and, 
in  spite  of  petting  or  fiogging,  abusing  or  praising, 
made  "  the  air  musical."  My  exalted  admiration  for 
her  race  diminished  as  sleep  fled  from  my  pillow, 
and  murderous  thoughts  possessed  my  soul.  I  seem- 
ed to  see  a  dagger  "with  its  handle  to  my  hand," 
which  looked  much  like  a  butcher's  knife,  and  there 
was  an  estrangement  springing  up  between  us  that 
might  have  terminated  fatally  had  not  the  Celtic  he- 
roine of  the  turnip  adventure  reappeared.  With  the 
energy  peculiar  to  that  sympathetic  race,  the  lady  of 
the  kitchen  announced,  "  It  was  starving,  the  poor 
baste  was ;  and  if  the  masteV  would  let  her  feed  the 
crayture  all  she  wanted,  there  would  be  no  more 
noise  at  all,  at  all."  That  consent  was  not  long  with- 
held ;  one  more  roar  removed  all  scruples  of  dignity, 


28  F  I  V  E    A  C  K  E  S     T  O  O     M  U  C  JI. 

superior  intelligence,  and  the  like,  and  Biddy  fled  to 
the  meal-tub.  She  returned  in  ten  minutes  with  the 
biggest  tub  of  mash  the  cow  or  myself  had  ever  seen. 
The  former — not  Biddy,  but  the  cow — plunged  her 
nose  into  it  nearly  to  the  eyes,  and  devoured  it  with- 
out once  pausing,  and  then  did  the  like  with  a  re- 
plenished dish.  My  opinion  of  the  intelligence  of 
cows  and  Biddies  was  elevated,  and  I  concluded  cow- 
feeding  was  not  my  specialty.  With  those  two  feeds, 
or  more  properly  gluts,  of  mash,  comfort  returned  to 
my  household. 

About  the  time  that  these  events  occurred,  milk- 
men had  concluded  that  the  lacteal  fluid — or  what 
they  sold  for  such — was  scarce  and  valuable,  and 
they  raised  the  price  to  the  rate  of  twelve  cents  a 
quart.  Our  cow,  which  had  been  baptized  witli  the 
name  of  Cushy,  gave  abont  eleven  quarts  daily,  and 
as  the  household  only  needed  six,  there  w^as  a  clear 
opening  for  profit  to  the  extent  of  sixty  cents  a  day. 
Pure  milk  is  rather  a  rarity — by  which  is  intimated 
that  it  is  not  universal — in  the  milkmen's  carts  in  the 
great  city  of  IS^ew  York,  where  that  of  a  watery  con- 
sistency and  cerulean  Ime  is  more  common  than  tlie 
dull,  pale  opaque  of  the  real  article.  In  fact,  it  is 
said  by  dairymen  that  milk  just  as  it  comes  from  the 
cow  is  heating — too  heating  for  persons  confined  to 


A  Cow.  29 

the  narrow  and  nnlicalthy  limits  of  a  city,  and  sliould 
have  a  little  dash  of  fresh  water  to  take  the  fire  out. 

In  spite  of  their  convincing  arguments,  however, 
an  individual  was  found  so  little  alive  to  the  excel- 
lence of  the  dealer's  milky  way  as  to  be  ready  not 
merely  to  pay  the  current  price,  but  to  supply  his 
own  cans  and  send  for  the  milk.  This  opened  a  mag- 
nificent vista ;  it  was  the  first  of  the  long  series  of 
profits  that  were  to  flow  in  one  steady  stream  from 
the  country  place  or  its  accompaniments.  If  one  cow 
yielded  a  clear  daily  income  of  sixty  cents,  that  a 
hundred  or  a  thousand  would  yield  proportionally 
more  was  merely  a  question  in  the  rule  of  three. 

There  was  one  little  matter,  however,  that  some- 
what impaired  the  full  measm-e  of  this  success.  The 
haymakers,  or  whoever  they  are  that  own  hay,  had 
raised  the  price  of  their  goods  to  keep  pace  with  the 
price  of  milk,  so  that  liay  was  at  the  moderate  rate 
of  two  dollars  or  two  dollars  and  a  half  a  hundred 
pounds.  Moreover,  that  was  an  uncommonly  intel- 
ligent cow,  and  she  used  her  superior  gifts  to  assure 
her  o^vn  comforts,  regardless  of  my  feelings  or  my 
profits.  The  hay  was  stored  in  a  closet  under  tlie 
steps  that  led  down  into  the  yard,  and,  in  spite  of 
every  care  and  contrivance  to  keep  her  out.  Cushy 
would  open  the  door,  and  not  only  help  herself  to  all 


30  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

she  wanted,  but  throw  down  armf uls  under  her  feet, 
and  then,  like  all  her  dainty  race,  she  would  utterly 
refuse  to  eat  whatever  had  become  dirty.  If  the 
door  was  latched,  she  pushed  the  latch  up ;  if  bars 
were  placed  across,  she  removed  them  with  her  horns ; 
if  a  rope  was  used,  she  broke  or  stretched  it ;  and  if 
she  could  not  get  in  otherwise,  she  w^ould  tear  the 
whole  away. 

After  trying  many  plans,  the  door  was  ingeniously 
hung  from  the  top,  so  that,  as  was  supposed,  it  would 
effectually  prevent  her  unauthorized  inroads ;  but 
next  day  it  was  found  at  the  other  end  of  tlie  yard, 
having  been  carried  thither  on  her  head.  Besides, 
the  amount  of  hay  she  ate  seemed  to  have  no  effect 
in  diminishing  the  quantity  of  mash  she  wanted; 
rather  she  appeared  to  carry  into  practice  the  decep- 
tive proposition  of  tlie  stingy  father  to  his  hungry 
sons — that  he  who  ate  the  most  meat  should  have 
tlie  most  pie — by  demanding  more  bran  the  more 
hay  she  consumed. 

In  spite  of  these  drawbacks  she  was  an  immense 
convenience.  Her  manufactory  seemed  to  work  bet- 
ter than  more  scientific  and  artificial  arrangements, 
and  turned  out  a  more  agreeable  article  than  the 
most  skillful  chemical  milkman.  However  disgrace- 
ful to  human  nature  is  the  confession,  science  is  no- 


A   Cow. 


31 


where  against  a  cow.     To  be  sure,  slie  would  on 
wash-days  carry  a  few  clothes  off  the  lines,  and  drag 


^^, 


them  around  in  the  most  nonchalant  and  unconcern- 
ed way  conceivable ;  would  even  now  and  then  get 
her  horns  mixed  up  with  the  lines  generally,  and  pull 
out  half  a  dozen  hooks;  but  the  moment  this  was 
done  she  was  entirely  satisfied,  and  would  stand  per- 
fectly quiet  until  she  was  disencumbered.  She  made 
more  dirt  than  was  altogether  sightly,  and  a  man  had 
to  be  engaged  to  come  daily  and  remove  it. 

These  various  eccentricities  added  somewhat  to 
her  cost,  and  made  it  difficult  to  compute  the  amount 


32      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

accurately ;  but,  apart  from  the  value  of  clothes  and 
clothes-lines,  her  feed  cost  thirty  dollars  a  mouth,  and 
the  man's  attendance  six  more.  So  long  as  she  kept 
on  giving  twelve  quarts  a  day,  there  was  a  clear  prof- 
it of  four  cents  daily,  besides  the  thorough  manuring 
of  the  yard,  which  with  farmers  is  an  important 
point,  and  w^ould  have  been  more  valuable  in  this 
instance  if  it  had  been  possible  to  grow  any  thing  in 
it,  and  had  it  not  been,  unfortunately,  that,  for  some 
unknown  reason,  not  even  a  spear  of  grass  had  ever 
been  wilHng  to  exist  there. 

The  quantity  of  milk,  however,  soon  began  to  di- 
minish, until,  after  six  weeks,  the  arrangement  w^ith 
our  neighbor  had  to  be  discontinued.  This  reduced 
the  profit,  although  Gushy  still  gave  more  than  an 
abundance  for  our  family,  and  tliere  would  have  been 
a  loss  had  not  hay  and  bran  come  up  to  the  occasion 
by  coming  down  in  price.  The  reader,  therefore, 
must  call  upon  the  author  of  "  Ten  Acres  Enough" 
to  determine,  by  a  few  algebraical  eliminations, 
whether,  if  a  cow's  yield  falls  off  more  or  less,  and 
her  feed  diminishes  in  price  considerably,  there  is  a 
loss  or  profit,  and  if  so,  why  so,  and  how  much.  For 
my  part,  I  never  could  arrive  at  any  satisfactory  con- 
clusion except  that  pure  milk  and  fresh  cream  were, 
either  combined  or  separate,  very  satisfactory. 


A   Cow.  33 

Cusliy  had  an  excellent  disposition  ;  she  never  ex- 
hibited but  one  evil  passion,  and  that  was  for  the 
meal-tub ;  she  would  feed  from  the  hand  or  a  pail, 
or,  in  fact,  in  any  way,  so  long  as  she  was  fed  enough. 
Upon  this  regimen  she  waxed  fat,  until  it  became  a 
serious  question  whether  she  would  ever  again  pass 
out  of  the  doors  that  it  was  at  first  doubtful  whether 
she  would  enter.  Her  stomach  was  of  goodly  size 
when  she  came,  and  I  did  not  wonder  that  it  occu- 
pied so  much  of  her  thoughts ;  but  it  grew  prodig- 
iously, and  she  had  a  way  of  standing  still  by  the 
hour,  with  her  head  under  the  clothes  on  the  lines, 
when  the  sun  began  to  grow  hot  in  the  spring,  or  of 
lying  at  full  length  in  their  shade,  that  was  evidently 
conducive  to  corpulency.  When  she  wanted  her 
meals,  which  she  did  not  only  at  frequent  intervals, 
but  whenever  any  one  came  into  the  yard,  she  would 
go  to  the  kitchen  window,  and,  thrusting  forward  her 
head  as  far  as  the  bars  permitted,  would  "  moo"  gen- 
tly to  express  her  wants.  If  not  attended  to  imme- 
diately, she  would  soon  speak  louder,  and  at  last 
would  demand  food  in  the  most  peremptory  tone  of 
stentorian  bovine  lungs.  She  invariably  had  her  de- 
sires gratified,  and  thus  was  this  interesting  evidence 
of  intelligence  greatly  developed.  She  had  an  annis- 
ing  way  of  playing  with  whatever  boxes  or  baskets 
B2 


34      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

might  be  left  in  tlie  yard,  somewhat  regardless,  to  be 
sure,  of  their  fragile  nature ;  she  would  carry  them 
on  her  head  round  about,  and  occasionally  pin  them 
to  the  earth  with  a  thrust  of  her  horns ;  and  if  she 
found  the  stable,  w^hich  was  of  wood,  close  and  un- 
comfortable, she  now  and  then  walked  out  of  it 
through  the  side,  but  did  these  things  in  so  uncon- 
scious a  way  that  no  one  could  find  fault. 

She  kept  on  growing  fat  and  fatter — (to  continue 
her  history  and  somewhat  anticipate  events) — until 
summer  came,  and  it  was  necessary  to  send  her  to 
the  country.  Then  the  services  of  another  Irishman, 
of  course,  were  called  into  requisition,  and  he  started 
off  from  the  house  with  her,  early  one  morning  in 
June,  to  lead  her  eight  miles  to  her  future  home  at 
Flushing.  Neither  himself  nor  the  cow  was  heard 
of  again  till  late  that  night,  when,  with  startled  coun- 
tenance, he  related  his  adventures  to  my  friend  Wee- 
ville.  He  had  hardly  turned  the  corner  before  a 
butcher  nished  out  and  announced  that  he  w^anted 
to  buy  that  cow.  Patrick  indignantly  refused,  true 
to  the  aristocratic  Irish  idea  that  the  employer  is 
always  above  disposing  of  any  thing;  but  the  butch- 
er was  irrepressible,  and,  pulling  out  his  wallet,  of- 
fered ninety-five  dollars  for  her ;  but  Pat  retorted. 
"  You'll  not  get  the  likes  of  lier  for  ninety-five  dol- 


A   Cow.  35 

lars."  This  the  would-be  purchaser  mistook  for  a 
haggle  over  price,  and  demanded  how  much  she 
would  be  sold  for,  when  Patrick,  breaking  away 
from  him  with  indignation,  answered  resolutely, 
"  ^le  is  not  for  sale  at  all,  at  all,  but  going  to  the 
country  for  air  and  grass." 

"But  it's  an  awful  time  I've  had  with  her,"  he 
continued,  in  his  narration.  "  Sure  and  didn't  she 
lay  down  with  me  twelve  times,  and  didn't  I  think 
every  blessed  time  that  she  would  niver  get  up 
again  ?  Her  tongue  hung  out  jbl  yard,  in  spite  of  me 
watering  her  at  every  trough  along  the  road.  She 
kept  me  ever  since  tin  <>'clock  this  very  morning, 
and  would  stop  to  rest  whenever  she  felt  like  it,  un- 
til I  began  to  think  I  shouldn't  get  home  till  next 
day." 

Thus  Cushy  exhibited  another  evidence  of  her 
intelligence.  As  she  had  heretofore  insisted  upon 
being  fed  whenever  she  was  hungry,  she  now  had, 
with  equal  peremptoriness,  demanded  rest  when  she 
was  tired.  Fat  and  unaccustomed  to  travel,  she 
made  the  Irishman  conform  to  her  views  of  speed, 
like  the  superior  being  she  was,  knowing  well  that 
he  was  only  sent  to  wait  on  and  accompany  her  in 
her  journey.  She  was  evidently  pleased  with  the 
country,  being  found  next  morning  up  to  her  knees 


36 


Five  Acres  too  Much. 


in  clover ;  and,  had  it  not  been  for  the  attacks  of 
a  gadfly,  which  she  resented  furiously,  she  would 
have  led  a  perfectly  happy  life.  She  certainly  was 
a  model  animal.  My  presentiments  of  success  were 
not  mistaken,  and  I  felt  almost  like  claiming,  w^ith 
the  modest  author  of  "  Ten  Acres  Enough,"  that  my 
impressions  were  never  wTong. 


PORTRAIT  OF  A  LADY. 


House,  Tlans,  ANJ)  {Specifications.    37 


I 


CHAPTER  11. 

A  HOUSE,  tLANS,  AND   SPECIFICATIONS. 

F  there  is  any  one  thing  on  which  I  do  pride  my- 
self more  than  another,  it  is  my  ability  to  plan 
and  lay  out  a  house.  No  matter  how  remarkable  the 
shape  of  the  lot  may  be,  I  can  always  devise  an  ad- 
mirable arrangement ;  and  if  architecture,  not  law, 
liad  been  my  fate,  the  public  would  have  been  sur- 
prised at  my  productions.  To  be  sure,  chimneys 
have  an  inconvenient  habit  of  coming  up  through 
windows,  and  windows  of  getting  in  the  way  of  par- 
titions, or  locating  themselves  in  odd  and  unsymmet- 
rical  places;  sometimes  the  only  passage  from  the 
kitchen  to  the  front  door,  after  my  plan  is  com- 
pleted, will  turn  out  to  be  through  every  room  on 
the  first  floor,  and  occasionally  the  stairs  will  be 
omitted;  but  these  are  matters  for  the  practical 
builder  to  correct — the  great  point  is  to  mark  out 
the  general  scheme  scientifically. 

Of  course,  therefore,  the  first  thing  to  do  toward 


38      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

building  my  intended  house  was  to  prepare  the 
plans.  A  large  house — a  huge  pile  of  wood  or  brick 
— is  an  abomination,  and  it  costs  so  outrageously  (the 
profit  or  loss  was  never  out  of  my  mind) ;  but  there 
seems  to  be  a  limit  in  reduction  of  size  that  can  not 
be  surpassed.  I  at  once  proceeded  to  lay  out  an  ad- 
mirable plan  for  a  house  twenty-four  feet  square,  a 
neat,  nice,  cosy,  comfortable  little  cottage ;  and  this 
is  an  economical  size,  because  it  requires  precisely 
two  lengths  of  board.  I  arranged  for  a  grand  hall 
through  the  centre,  and  a  piazza  round  three  sides ; 
there  were  four  rooms  on  each  floor,  and  it  would 
have  been  perfection  had  not  the  parlor  and  dining- 
room  proved  to  be  only  about  seven  feet  by  twelve, 
which,  after  some  careful  measurements,  w^as  deter- 
mined to  be  rather  small. 

However,  the  plan  had  so  many  recommendations 
that  I  determined  to  make  an  effort  w^ith  it.  In 
my  younger  days  I  had  passed  nmch  time  in  Con- 
necticut, and  had  there  seen  houses  of  the  nicest 
kind,  attractive  inside  and  out,  and  which  were  said 
to  cost  only  a  few  thousand  dollars  apiece.  A  friend 
of  mine,  residing  on  Long  Island  Sound,  had  import- 
ed one,  which  came  to  him  cut  out,  sawed  and  mark- 
ed, ready  to  be  put  up.  So,  having  determined  to 
try  something  of  the  same  nature,  I  inquired  the 


House,  Plans,  and  Specifications.    39 

name  of  the  maker,  and  sent  him  my  plan,  request- 
ing an  estimate.  Instead  of  returning  me  an  esti- 
mate by  which  I  could  readily  calculate  for  a  little 
increase  of  size,  the  stupid  fellow  replied  that  he 
would  come  to  New  York  and  show  me  some  plans 
of  his  own.  I  wrote  a  severe  letter  in  answer,  saying 
that  I  wanted  an  estimate,  not  a  plan.  Since  then  I 
have  not  heard  from  the  gentleman,  and  believe  he 
is  still  studying  out  the  beauties  of  my  arrangement, 
and  will,  one  of  these  days,  come  before  the  world 
as  a  great  architect  on  the  strength  of  my  abilities. 

Not  to  be  put  down  or  deterred,  however,  I  made 
other  plans,  some  of  which  had  the  kitchen  outside, 
some  in  the  basement,  and  others  on  the  fii-st  floor. 
In  one  there  was  a  piazza  on  all  sides,  in  another 
there  w^as  no  piazza  whatever ;  some  had  the  servants 
in  the  garret,  others  placed  them  in  the  cellar.  1 
was  ready  to  erect  an  entirely  new  house,  or  to  con- 
vert an  old  barn  that  was  near  the  premises  into  two 
or  three  houses.  There  was  nothing  that  my  re- 
sources were  not  equal  to,  and  the  drawings  would 
have  furnished  quite  a  new  stock  in  trade  for  a 
young  architect. 

My  friends  gave  me  their  advice.  They  respect- 
ively assured  me  that  I  could  not  live  with  my  kitch- 
en in  a  wing,  and  could  not  exist  if  it  were  any 


40  Five  Ackes    too   Much. 

where  else ;  that  I  would  be  robbed  if  the  servants 
were  in  the  attic,  and  robbed  and  murdered  if  they 
were  on  the  ground  floor ;  that  no  house  was  worth 
building  unless  it  were  filled  in  with  brick,  and  that 
brick  filling  was  a  mere  waste  of  money;  that  it 
would  be  hot  as  an  oven  if  it  was  not  double  board- 
ed, or  if  it  was  double  boarded  and  not  double  plas- 
tered ;  that  every  floor  must  be  deafened,  or  that  the 
noise  overhead  would  be  unendurable,  and  that  deaf- 
ening would  be  of  no  use  whatever;  that  the  roof 
must  be  of  gravel,  or  it  would  leak,  and  if  made 
of  gravel  it  would  break  the  entire  building  down ; 
that  oiling  was  the  true  mode  of  protecting  the  wood- 
work, and  that  nothing  whatever  but  paint  would  an- 
swer ;  that  the  natural  wood  was  the  most  beautiful 
trimming,  and  that  only  stained  or  painted  wood- 
work was  decent ;  that  the  proper  way  was  to  paper 
the  walls,  and  that  no  paper  would  stick  on  fresh 
walls.  There  was  much  more  equally  valuable  ad- 
vice, for  which  I  was  exceedingly  grateful,  and  de- 
sire again  publicly  to  thank  my  friends. 

While  ruminating  over  these  statements  and  my 
various  different  projects,  I  was  struck  with  the  ap- 
pearance of  a  neat  little  house  in  one  of  the  streets 
of  the  village.  It  was  a  parallelogram,  which  is  the 
most  practical  and  economical  shape  for  a  house,  and 


TloiTSE,  Plans,  AND  Spkcifications.    41 

had  a  modest  little  piazza  in  front,  and  a  pretty 
French  roof  above.  The  internal  arrangement,  with 
such  modifications  as  my  superior  experience  imme- 
diately dictated,  was  absolute  perfection.  The  build- 
ing was  only  twenty-four  feet  by  thirty-six,  yet  there 
were  seven  comfortable  rooms  on  the  first  and  second 
fiooi^s,  the  parlor  moderately  large,  the  dining-room 
long  and  narrow  to  suit  a  dinner-table,  and  the  bed- 
rooms of  admirable  proportion,  I  determined  at 
once,  w^ith  the  heroism  of  self-control,  to  abandon 
my  own  fancies,  and  to  look  and  think  no  farther; 
but,  having  completed  my  modifications,  gave  them 
to  a  draughtsman,  to  be  expressed  in  builders'  signs 
and  particularized  with  specifications.  This  event 
suggested  the  following  beautiful  sentiment :  It  often 
happens  that,  while  we  are  roaming  over  the  world 
to  gratify  our  desires,  the  precise  article  for  the  pur- 
pose is  at  our  very  doors. 

The  drawings  and  specifications  were  soon  made 
out  in  gorgeous  style ;  there  was  a  beautiful  picture 
of  what  the  house  would  look  like,  with  an  amoimt 
of  finish  and  moulding  that  did  the  draughtsman 
great  credit,  showing  the  inside  and  outside,  sections 
and  ground  plans,  stairs  and  closets ;  and  the  specifi- 
cations provided  how  every  nail  was  to  be  driven, 
and  were  completed  with  a  minuteness  that  would 


42  Five  Acres    too  Miicir. 

set  imposition  at  defiance.  When  finished,  they  were 
submitted  to  several  builders  for  estimates. 

This  happened  at  a  time  when,  although  the  infla- 
tion of  gold  had  passed  its  culminating  point,  labor 
and  materials  were  at  their  highest.  The  builders, 
smarting  under  the  recollection  of  unprofitable  con- 
tracts made  on  a  rising  market,  were  deaf  to  my  elo- 
quent observations  on  the  certainty  of  a  rapid  fall  in 
the  value  of  articles  at  a  time  w^hen  the  war  was 
manifestly  drawing  to  a  close.  They  had  lost  faith 
not  only  in  the  ninety-days'  theory  of  our  leading 
modern  statesman,  but  that  the  rebellion  would  die 
other  than  a  lingering  death,  and  refused  obstinately 
to  be  convinced.  Some  of  them  offered  to  oversee 
the  w^ork  on  a  commission,  by  which  ingenious  ar- 
rangement the  more  they  wasted  the  more  they 
would  make.  Others  charged  nearly  double  w^hat 
w^as  the  fair  value,  insisting  upon  allowing  for  a  far- 
ther rise  in  prices.  One  man  was  so  entirely  over- 
come that,  after  keeping  the  plans  a  month,  he  re- 
turned them  secretly,  ran  away,  and  was  never  heard 
of  afterward. 

New  York  being  pretty  much  exhausted  by  this 
time,  application  was  made  to  the  carpenters  of 
Flushing.  With  one  exception,  they  declined  the 
job,  as  they  called  it,  entirely ;  but  tliis  one  put  in 


II  ()  U  S  E,  P  L  A  N  S,  A  N  D    SPECIFICATIONS.      43 

the  lowest  estimate  that  had  yet  been  made,  so  tliat 
the  reader  will  perceive  that  Flushing  contains  not 
merely  the  finest  building-lots  and  the  gentlest  cows, 
but  the  most  intelligent  and  enterprising  cai-penters. 
There  was  only  one  difficulty  in  the  way  of  closing 
with  this  proposal,  and  that  was,  as  he  coolly  inform- 
ed me,  that  he  could  not  finish  the  house  till  next 
winter.  Xow  I  wanted  a  summer  residence,  not  a 
winter  one.  The  city  is  a  sane  man's  home  in  bleak 
and  stormy  weather,  but  in  the  summer  solstice  the 
green  fields  and  fragrant  pastures,  limpid  brooks  and 
sliady  trees,  tempt  an  equally  sane  man  (meaning 
myself,  of  course)  into  the  country.  It  is  true,  much 
time  had  been  wasted  over  specifications  and  esti- 
mates, especially  by  the  man  who  ran  away,  and  the 
spring  was  pretty  well  advanced ;  but  that  house  had 
to  be  done  by  July.  So,  as  it  w^as  impossible  to  ac- 
cept the  services  of  the  intelligent  Flushing  me- 
chanic, or  to  make  use  of  the  admirably  planned 
Flushing  house,  it  became  necessary  to  cast  about 
for  some  other  means  of  accomplishing  the  object. 

Over  against  the  eastern  end  of  that  barren  and 
crooked  point  of  land  known  as  Cape  Cod,  which, 
projecting  into  the  ocean,  considers  the  object  of  its 
being  accomplished  when  it  protects  and  shelters  the 
"Hub  of  the  Universe,"  lie  three  islands  that  were, 


44      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

in  early  days,  according  to  nnquestionable  tradition, 
the  estate  and  property  of  an  elderly  gentleman  who 
was  blessed  with  three  daughters.  On  his  death  the 
ladies  are  supposed  to  have  divided  the  property 
among  them.  The  daughters'  names  were  Anna, 
Martha,  and  Naomi,  and  their  names  appertain  to 
the  islands  still.  The  largest  is  called  Martha's  Vine- 
yard, showing  that  Martha  had  the  good  sense  to  cul- 
tivate the  luscious  fruit,  although  the  strict  Puritan 
customs  of  those  times  may  have  forbidden  her  en- 
joying its  juice,  except,  perhaps,  in  the  Puritan  way— 
on  the  sly.  Anna  took  the  next  largest  island,  which 
from  that  day  has  been  called  Nantookit,  or  Nan- 
tucket, the  graceful  Anna  being  vulgarized  into  the 
familiar  Nan.  Naomi's  land  has  since  been  convert- 
ed into  Nomansland  ;  and  well  it  might,  for  no  man 
would  have  been  contented  with  such  a  portion  while 
brothers  carried  off  the  broad  acres  of  the  neighbor- 
ing islands,  and  few  women,  except  such  submissive 
creatures  as  Naomis  and  Cinderellas  are  popularly 
supposed  to  be. 

Of  this  group,  Nantucket  was  once  flourishing  and 
populous,  with  a  large  tonnage  of  whalemen,  and  a 
goodly  population  of  whaling-men  —  where  money 
was  so  plenty  and  morals  so  pure  that  theft  was  un- 
known and  hackmen  charged  fair  prices.    This  mod- 


House,  Plans,  AND  Specifications.    45 

ern  Arcadia,  however,  was  sadly  affected  by  the  rapid 
diminution  of  whales,  was  injured  by  the  invention 
of  kerosene,  and  rained  by  the  discovery  of  petro- 
leum, the  barbarous  names  of  which  had  been,  until 
lately,  unknown  in  all  that  country.  Whales  tried, 
for  a  time,  to  compete  with  these  innovations,  but, 
finding  the  effort  useless,  gave  up  in  disgust,  and  re- 
tired to  their  northern  homes  beyond  the  reach  of 
man.  This  would  have  made  little  difference  if  ships 
were  used  in  obtaining  petroleum ;  but,  although  en- 
thusiasts suppose  it  comes  from  the  decayed  bones  of 
whales  that  existed  when  this  old  world  was  young, 
they  had  been  buried  "deeper  than  ever  plummet 
sounded"  beneath  the  accumulations  of  modern  dust; 
so  the  whalemen,  being  useless,  were  sunk  in  Charles- 
ton Harbor,  and  the  whaliftg-men  sought  "green  fields 
and  pastures  new"  in  California. 

Nan's  inheritance  went  to  decay,  and  her  people 
were  our  people — that  is,  they  learned  to  cheat,  and 
the  hackmen  imitated  their  fellows.  Population  di- 
minished, building  lots  w^ere  worthless,  and  one  half 
the  houses  were  vacant.  But  the  inhabitants  were  a 
Scriptural  people,  and,  remembering  how  the  patri- 
archal tribes,  when  water  and  grass  became  scarce, 
struck  their  tents  and  struck  out  for  better  quarters, 
they  pulled  down  every  man  his  house — and  not  only 


46  F  I  V  E    A  C  R  E  R     T  O  O     M  IT  C  It. 

that,  but  every  woman  her  house — and  carried  them 
over  to  the  main  land.  It  was  at  the  zenith  of  this 
exodus  that  my  troubles  culminated,  and  hearing  of 
a  spot  where  the  inhabitants  had  each  a  house  to  sell, 
and  wanting  the  article  myself,  without  more  ado  1 
ordered  one  to  be  delivered  at  Flushing. 

It  was  not  necessary  to  see  the  new  domicile ;  it 
was  sufficient  that  it  came  from  Nantucket,  the  home 
of  purity  and  truth,  and  to  be  put  up  by  a  Nantuck- 
etan,  doubtless  a  specimen  of  these  qualities.  He 
contracted  to  pull  it  down,  transport  it  to  Flushing, 
and  erect  it  on  the  premises  aforesaid,  as  we  lawyers 
say,  by  the  seventh  day  of  July  then  next  ensuing ; 
and  if  he  failed  so  to  do,  then  he  w^as  to  forfeit  and 
pay  the  sum  of  ten  dollars  for  each  and  every  day's 
default  and  delay  over  and  beyond  such  day  as  afore- 
said ;  provided,  however,  nevertheless,  if  he  finislied 
and  completed  such  house  before  the  first  day  of 
July,  he  was  to  receive  a  further  sum  of  ten  dollars 
a  day  for  each  clay  that  the  same  should  be  so  fin- 
ished and  completed  before  the  said  last  mentioned, 
to  wit,  the  first  day  of  July  then  next  ensuing.  His 
name  w^as  Sille — not  silly,  as  our  New  York  builders 
would  call  him  if  they  read  those  provisions  which,  I 
think,  do  not  disgrace  my  profession,  and  which  of 
themselves  are  more  than  worth,  to  the  reader,  tiie 
cost  of  this  book. 


House,  Pi.ANB,  AND  Spkcifications.    47 

The  contractor  soon  sent  nie  a  rough  diagram  of 
the  house.  It  was  not  exactly  according  to  my 
\'iews ;  instead  of  being  an  economical  parallelogram, 
it  was  made  np  of  angles  and  eccentricities ;  tlie 
architecture  w^as  of  the  conglomerate  style,  the  main 
building  being  Doric  and  the  extension  Corinthian ; 
the  former  having  a  peaked  roof  so  perpendicular 
that  it  seemed  as  if  it  never  would  come  to  a  point, 
and  that  a  fly  would  have  difficulty  in  maintaining  a 
foothold  on  it,  and  the  latter  being  so  flat  that  a  ball 
would  hardly  roll  off  the  eaves.  The  whole  was  or- 
namented with  an  unlimited  amount  of  trimming 
and  moulding,  and  there  were  windows  of  all  shapes 
and  characters.  There  was  stained  glass  in  the  front 
and  rear  doors,  plain  glass  in  some  windows,  and 
parti-colored  panes  in  others;  there  w^ere  windows 
where  no  one  w^ould  expect  them,  and  blanks  where 
one  would  naturally  expect  windows.  It  might  have 
been  called  a  model  of  surprises.  To  a  person  who 
prided  himself  on  his  abilities  for  laying  out  a  plan 
economically  and  advantageously,  this  was  discour- 
aging ;  but,  after  all,  to  a  philosophic  mind,  so  long 
as  the  necessaiy  accommodation  is  obtained,  the  par- 
ticular plan  makes  little  difference. 

Flushing  is  a  small  place,  and  any  unusual  occur- 
rence  throws   it  into   a  wild  state   of  excitement. 


48      Five  Acres  TOO  Much. 

Some  one  had  been  moving  a  house  down  its  main 
street  in  the  ordinary  manner,  with  rollers  and  a 
windlass,  and  its  slow  rate  of  progression  led  to  much 
animadversion,  and  many  remarks  that  in  a  country 
village  pass  for  jokes.  One  by-stander  wanted  to 
know  whether  it  had  stopped  at  the  corner  to  take  a 
drink,  another  desired  to  inquire  whether  it  was 
going  to  the  city  for  a  visit,  and  a  third  sarcastically 
pointed  out  its  rate  of  speed  as  an  example  for  the 
railroad  company  to  imitate.  The  Flushing  Gazette 
took  the  matter  up,  and  had  an  editorial  every  week 
on  the  progress  of  the  house.  So  the  reader  can  im- 
agine what  was  the  effect  when  the  Flushingites 
learned  that  a  stranger  was  about  bringing  a  house 
from  Nantucket.  The  Gazette  entered  into  the  sub- 
ject with  spirited  hilarity,  hoping  that  it  would  move 
faster  than  the  "  pattern  house,"  and  w^ondering 
whether  it  would  sail  down  or  come  by  land — sug- 
gesting that  the  other  houses,  the  old  settlers,  ought 
to  call  on  the  new-comer — and  generally  made  itself 
quite  facetious  over  the  affair. 

After  signing  his  agreement,  Mr.  Sille  disappeared, 
it  was  supposed,  to  look  up  the  house,  and  the  foun- 
dation was  rapidly  completed  by  a  resident  mason ; 
but  neither  he  nor  the  house  reappeared.  Weeks 
went  by ;  the  prophecies  of  the  incredulous  were  be- 


House,  Flans,  AND  Specifications.    49 

ing  confirmed ;  those  who  had  "  known  better"  all 
Along  were  in  high  spirits;  the  evidence  was  alto- 
gether against  the  success  of  the  new  enterprise,  and 
were  among  the  most  favorable.  It  was  rumored 
that  contractor,  house,  and  all  had  gone  down  in  a 
storm  on  the  Long  Island  Sound.  In  the  midst  of 
these  dreadful  rumors,  a  vessel  appeared  one  morn- 
ing at  the  dock  near  the  premises,  and  landed  bricks, 
beams,  and  timbers — evidently  what  had  been  once 
a  house,  and  what  must  be  a  house  again.  The 
whole  aspect  of  affairs  changed ;  hilarity  succeeded 
gloom;  doubts  disappeared;  hopes  grew  into  cer- 
tainties ;  and  the  mason  who  was  building  the  foun- 
dation engaged  all  the  carts,  tracks,  and  wagons  in 
the  village  to  transport  what  he  called  "  the  stuff"  to 
my  premises.  He  drove  down  in  a  great  state  of 
excitement — only  to  find  the  gate  to  the  dock  closed 
and  locked. 

Here  was  an  unexpected  block  to  the  wheels  of 
progress.  There  was  a  high,  strong  gate.  On  one 
side,  all  the  vehicles  of  Flushing ;  on  the  other,  a 
mass  of  timber,  joists,  boards,  and  shingles,  supposed 
to  represent  a  house.  On  careful  investigation,  it 
turned  out  that  an  Irishman  named  Barney — wheth- 
er it  was  something  Barney  or  Barney  something,  no 
one  ever  knew,  as  he  was  invariably  called  simply 

Q 


50      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

Barney  —  had  hired  the  dock,  and  demanded  "his 
damages"  before  he  would  allow  "  the  stuff"  to  leave. 
Here  was  a  predicament — my  house  landed,  all  the 
transportation  of  the  village  ready  to  remove  it,  and 
an  obstinate  Irishman  named  Barney  barring  the 
way.  He  was  immovable,  however,  insisting  upon 
"  his  damages ;"  so  the  carts,  and  wagons,  and  trucks 
drove  away,  and  the  Irish  character  came  under  a 
lively  discussion.  The  inhabitants  of  the  Emerald 
Isle  are  certainly  a  magnificent  race,  especially  when 
their  biographer  does  not  happen  to  own  a  house 
which  has  strayed  on  their  land,  and  does  want  to 
run  for  alderman;  and  if  they  did  not  lie,  steal, 
cheat,  rob,  murder,  get  drunk,  perjure  themselves, 
quarrel,  fight,  and  insist  upon  damages  unreasonably, 
they  would  be  almost  as  good  as  other  nations.  Bar- 
ney was  evidently  a  superior  Irishman,  and,  as  no 
one  had  ever  landed  a  load  of  house  at  his  dock  be- 
fore, and  probably  never  would  again,  he  felt  that 
the  dignity  of  tenants  was  at  stake,  and  must  be  sus- 
tained. 

When  these  facts  were  reported  to  me  I  took  down 
my  law-books,  and  prepared  a  rod  for  Mr.  Barney. 
There  was  the  clear  right  to  land  at  a  public  dock ; 
there  was  the  clear  wrong  of  detaining  property  he- 
longing  to  another.     Damages  began  to  loom  up  be- 


House,  Plans,  and  Stecifications.    51 

fore  my  eyes,  and  a  very  pretty  case  as  introduction 
to  a  lucrative  legal  practice  in  the  place  of  my  new- 
ly-intended residence.  Yistas  of  writs,  and  suits, 
and  appeals,  and  new  trials,  rose  in  my  mind  in  grace- 
ful array,  and  I  thanked  Barney,  who  was  reported 
to  be  not  only  "  ugly,"  but  responsible,  with  all  my 
heart.  There  were  two  difficulties  in  the  way  of  le- 
gal action — first,  that  until  the  suit  was  terminated 
the  residence  could  not  be  built ;  secondly,  that  Sille, 
who  would  have  to  be  plaintiff,  had  disappeared  from 
the  sight  of  man.  Now  the  house  might  be  delayed, 
as  the  damages  would  thus  be  increased ;  but  a  suit 
without  a  plaintiff  was  beyond  ordinary  legal  reme- 
dies, and  was  not  provided  for  even  by  the  new  Code 
of  Procedure.  So  Barney,  Irishman-like,  in  spite  of 
law,  justice,  sense,  or  hospitality,  kept  my  house,  or 
rather  intended  house,  by  "  force  and  arms,"  and  the 
cellar  and  foundation  were  completed  alone. 

A  cellar  is  a  delightful  part  of  a  house,  it  is  so 
cool  in  summer  and  warm  in  winter;  it  is  such  a 
nice  place  to  store  "  things,"  as  the  housewives  call 
them ;  but  to  have  all  cellar  and  no  house  is  carry- 
ing the  point  too  far.  It  is  a  pleasant  place  when 
surmounted  by  the  proper  amount  of  beams  and  mor- 
tar, but  alone  is  like  an  alligator's  countenance,  alto- 
gether too  open.     I  am  not  particular,  and  could 


52  F  I  V  E    A  C  R  E  S     T  O  O     M  U  O  II. 

have  made  out  during  the  summer  months,  proba- 
bly, if  the  cellar  had  only  been  upside  down. 

The  foundation  was  built,  the  mason  was  out  of 
work,  and  myself  out  of  humor,  when  we  were  both 
again  raised  to  the  pinnacle  of  happiness  by  the  ar- 
rival of  another  vessel,  which  fortunately  selected 
another  dock,  and  landed  another  house.  On  inquiry, 
it  appeared  that  this  was  my  house.  Lest  the  reader 
may  suppose  that  Nantucket  was  so  overflowing  with 
houses  that  tliey  floated  down  the  Sound  and  drifted 
ashore  any  where,  it  must  be  explained  that  the  tirst 
house  was  merely  the  workshop.  So  the  carts  and 
trucks  reappeared,  and  this  time  carried  away  the 
debris  of  what  was  once  the  house  of  some  bluff  sea- 
faring man — timbers  that  were  shivered,  as  he  had 
no  doubt  often  requested  they  should  be,  doors,  win- 
dows, shingles,  pieces  of  roof,  floor -boards,  posts, 
moulding,  and  a  thousand  other  odds,  ends,  bits,  and 
pieces,  in  the  most  admired  confusion — and  deposit- 
ed them  upon  my  entire  ^yq  acres,  scattered  hither 
and  thither,  as  though  they  were  component  parts 
of  five  houses  instead  of  one. 

As  Mr.  Sille  had  not  come  with  the  house,  but  was 
to  arrive  the  next  day — for  it  appeared  he  had  been 
storm-bound  in  some  of  the  numerous  "  bights,''  as 
the  ITmikees  c^fU  them,  of  Kautucket  or  Martha': 


House,  Plans,  AND  Specifications.    53 

Vineyard — he  sent  a  watchman  wlio  was  to  sleep 
among  the  "  stuff,"  and  prevent  Mr.  Barney's  com- 
patriots from  converting  it  into  firewood. 

Mr.  Sille  was  to  arrive  the  next  day.  Week  after 
week  went  by,  but  he  did  not  appear.  The  house  lay 
on  the  ground  as  though  a  hundred-pound  rebel  shell 
had  dropped  into  the  cellar  and  scattered  it  to  the 
four  winds  of  heaven ;  the  watchman  waited,  watch- 
ed, and  prayed,  doubtless,  for  relief,  till  his  money 
was  spent,  and  his  shoes  worn  out,  and  his  coat  thread- 
bare ;  I  alternated  between  imbecility  and  f  ur}^ ;  Bar- 
ney even  w^as  overcome,  and  sent  word  begging  to 
have  the  workshop,  which  had  been  placed  on  top  of 
a  pile  of  his  hay,  removed ;  and  Flushing  made  it 
the  regular  fashionable  evening  drive  to  visit  my  five 
acres  to  see  how  the  house  was — not  getting  on. 

In  about  a  month,  when  the  mason  had  almost  be- 
come crazy,  myself  frantic,  and  Barney  idiotic,  Sille 
reappeared  from  Nantucket  or  some  other  remote 
spot,  looking  like  the  ghost  of  his  former  self,  and 
announced  that  he  had  been  at  the  point  of  death. 
Not  taking  into  consideration  for  a  moment  my  losses 
and  sufferings,  he  absolutely  wanted  sympathy ;  in 
the  first  place,  he  must  nearly  drown  himself,  and 
now  he  must  catch  the  erysipelas,  and  expect  me  to 
feel  for  any  one  but  myself.     I  asked  him  sternly 


54 


J^'ivE  Acres  too   Much. 


whether  this  was  his  habit  with  every  house  that  he 
moved,  and  explained  that  it  must  not  happen  again ; 
that  I  had  been  sick  too — very  sick  of  the  whole  af- 
fair; that  tlie  watchman  had  become  demoralized 
and  run  away ;  that  it  was  nearly  midsummer,  and 
that  all  Flushing  was  laughing  at  us. 

The  watchman  lived  in  a  little  place  not  larger 
than  a  good-sized  dog-kennel  that  he  constructed 
from  pieces  of  roof,  and  the  boys  of  the  neighbor- 


House,  Plans,  AND  Stkcifications.    55 

liood  considered  it  fine  sport  to  pay  him  a  visit  of  a 
dark  night,  and  signahze  their  presence  by  a  shower 
of  stones.  His  food  was  never  luxurious,  being 
cooked  by  himself  under  many  disadvantages  and 
with  few  utensils;  and  when  his  money  became 
scant,  it  was  supplied  mainly  through  the  charity  of 
the  neighbors.  He  had  no  bedding  and  no  change 
of  clothes ;  and  when  a  murder  was  committed  near 
by,  and  the  murderer  was  hunted  through  the  place 
by  constables,  officers,  and  half  the  people  as  jposse 
Gomitatus,  accompanied  by  all  tlie  dogs  in  the  vil- 
lage ;  and  the  crowd,  yelling,  screaming,  and  fighting, 
rushed  over  the  watchman's  kennel  at  midnight,  wak- 
ing him  out  of  sleep,  he  could  stand  it  no  longer,  but 
incontinently  fled  to  parts  unknown;  so  that  Sille 
had  not  arrived  too  soon,  and  found  every  thing 
needing  care  and  attention.  He  went  to  work  at 
once,  and,  bringing  order  out  of  chaos,  began  rapidly 
to  construct  the  confused  mass  of  material  into  the 
form  and  stature  of  a  dwelling. 

Murders  are  abhorrent  things  to  me ;  either  from 
some  natural  idios}Ticracy,  or  from  the  training  of 
my  profession,  which  teaches  obedience  to  the  pow- 
ers that  be,  and  prefei*s  technicalities  to  violence,  I 
have  a  positive  objection  to  murdering  any  one  or 
being  murdered  myself — especially  the  latter.     It  is 


56  Five  Acres  too  Much. 

so  dirty  and  bloody,  the  body  is  so  dreadful  to  look 
at  and  so  hard  to  dispose  of,  and  the  whole  affair  so 
sudden  and  altogether  unpleasant.  I  was  anxious  to 
know,  before  settling  in  Flushing,  whether  murder 
was  one  of  the  institutions,  and  was  to  be  guarded 
against  like  chills  and  fever,  musquitoes,  and  other 
similar  visitations 

A  day  or  two  after  the  occurrence,  I  applied  to  ray 
invaluable  friend  Weeville  for  information,  and  in- 
quired whether  murders  were  a  common  event  in 
that  neighborhood.  His  manner  in  reply  was  very 
encouraging.  He  had  lived  in  Flushing  nine  years, 
and  this  was  the  first  case  of  the  kind.  It  was  the 
most  peaceable  place  he  knew ;  in  fact,  he  had  hard- 
ly ever  heard  a  loud  word  spoken.  He  pictured  it  as 
the  abiding-place  of  angels  or  Quakers,  and  put  my 
scruples  entirely  at  rest.  Violence,  or  disputes  even, 
among  the  Flushingites  were  not  heard  of,  and  mur- 
ders were  far  rarer  than  deaths  by  lightning. 

The  day  after  this  conversation  there  was  a  little 
friendly  contest  among  various  fire-companies  at  the 
peaceable  village  to  determine  which  engine  could 
throw  the  highest  stream  of  water;  and  what  was 
my  amazement,  on  reading  the  accounts  in  the  daily 
papers,  to  learn  that  the  contest  wound  up  in  a  free 
fight ;  that  knives,  pistols,  and  clubs  were  freely  used, 


House,  Plans,  AND  Specifications.    57 

and  that  four  persons  were  killed  and  forty  wound- 
ed. For  a  family  of  semi-angels  this  was  doing  well. 
The  philosophy  of  averages  furnished  one  consola- 
tion, however — Flushing  had  evidently  concentrated 
into  one  day  its  allowance  of  murders  for  the  next 
five  years. 

None  of  Sille's  men  were  in  the  fight,  although  at 
first  I  anticipated  finding  my  cellar  a  hospital,  and 
expected  a  renewed  experience  in  the  matter  of  lint 
and  bandages,  such  as  occupied  so  much  of  our  time 
during  the  war.  He  kept  on  steadily  adding  boards, 
and  windows,  and  siding,  and  beams  together,  till 
they  took  on  the  semblance  of  a  house.  To  be  sure, 
it  was  rickety  and  open  as  yet:  one  man  fell  be- 
tween the  timbers,  another  out  of  a  window,  and  a 
third  from  the  roof — but  that  did  not  hurt  the  house. 

Two  Irishmen  w^ere  one  day  at  work  digging  a 
well,  and  I  commenced  moralizing  at  their  fate — 
doomed  to  a  lower  existence  than  hewers  of  wood 
and  drawers  of  water,  not  suflftciently  intelligent, 
even,  to  cut  sticks,  and  condemned  to  carry  wood 
and  dig  for  water ;  their  life  one  of  weary,  heart- 
rending, back  -  breaking  toil ;  no  time  for  pleasure, 
no  chance  to  cultivate  the  intellect  and  develop  the 
mind — a  miserable  life,  little  better  than  death  itself. 

Musing  on  their  hard  lot,  T  peered  down  into  the 
C2 


58  F I V  E  A  c  R  E  s   TOO   Much. 

deep  hole  tliey  were  making  in  the  ground  during 
the  intense  heats  of  summer,  wondering  how  soon 
science  would  raise  the  lowest  of  men  above  the  con- 
dition of  beasts  of  burden,  when  one  of  them,  glancing 
up,  perceived  me,  and  inquired, "  Was  I  the  boss  ?"  I 
answered  in  the  affirmative,  and  he  informed  me  that 
it  was  customary  for  the  boss  to  "stand  something" 
when  he  first  came  on  the  ground.  .Moved  by  my 
sympathies,  I  stood  a  dollar  apiece,  explaining  that 
it  must  not  be  wasted  in  liquor,  to  wjiich  they  assent- 
ed with  great  hilarity.  Alas  for  sympathy,  and  char- 
ity, and  the  milk  of  human  kindness !  those  wretch- 
ed men  immediately  clubbed  their  two  dollars  to- 
gether, and,  converting  them  into  gin,  knocked  off 
work  and  proceeded  to  get  drunk.  They  remained 
incoherent,  as  the  term  goes  that  is  applied  to  their 
betters,  all  the  next  day.  As  it  was  essential  that  the 
well  should  be  finished  as  rapidly  as  possible,  my 
feelings  changed,  my  sympathy  died  a  premature 
death,  and  I  never  stood  any  thing  of  the  kind  again. 
What  with  drunken  Irishmen  and  injured  work- 
men, murdered  villagers  and  fighting  firemen,  the 
country  house  progressed  slowly  toward  completion. 
The  walls,  it  is  true,  arose  like  mushrooms — those  de- 
licious vegetables,  which  I  must  pause  to  compliment 
— in  a  night ;  the  roof  climbed  into  place,  partitions 


H  O  U  S  E,  P  L  A  N  S,  A  N  I)    S  P  E  C I F I  C  A  T I  O  N  R.      59 

grew  and  floors  were  laid,  windows  crept  into  their 
sash-cases,  and  doors  and  blinds  were  hung,  but  "  the 
end  was  not  yet."  The  seventh  day  of  July  had 
come  and  gone,  and  the  country  house  bid  fair  to  be 
finished  about  Christmas  time. 

Of  the  cost  of  the  progressing  dwelling  it  is  not 
pleasant  to  speak ;  but  as  this  veritable  history  de- 
pends greatly,  for  its  value  to  future  generations, 
upon  its  accuracy  and  minuteness,  I  will  admit  tlie 
expense  was  not  despicable.  Labor  was  high,  as  the 
Nantucket  builder  explained,  and  timber  was  high, 
and  bricks  were  high,  and  Irishmen  occasionally  got 
high,  and  altogether  he  was  compelled — much  against 
his  wishes — to  charge  a  high  price.  As  tlie  building 
progressed,  or  rather  failed  to  progress,  it  was  sug- 
gested that  he  may  have  charged  enough  to  leave  a 
surplus  to  cover  a  few  days'  delay  at  ten  dollars  a 
day ;  but  that  would  hardly  have  accorded  with  the 
proverbial  honesty  of  Nan's  dower  island. 

I  concluded  to  hire  a  house  near  by,  which,  al- 
though not  the  one  I  expected  to  occupy,  w^as  doubt- 
less as  good,  and  had  the  advantage  of  a  tight  roof 
and  solid  walls.  Here  I  could  conveniently  watch 
the  progress  of  the  undertaking  without  being  so 
deeply  interested  as  if  my  lodging  depended  on  it. 
As  distance  is  supposed  to  lend  enchantment  to  the 


60 


Five  Acres   too   Mug  it. 


view,  tlie  distant  prospect  of  the  completion  of  my 
house  should  liave  been  enchanting ;  and  as  summers 
invariably  return  every  year,  it  would  be  only  a 
question  of  a  few  months,  and  my  summer  house 
would  be  merely  a  next  summer  house. 


More  Live-Stock.  61 


CHAPTER  III. 

MOKE   LIVE-STOCK A  HORSE  AND  A   PIG.      WHICH   IS 

THE   NOBLER  ANIMAL? 

TN  order  to  live  in  the  country,  one  must  own  a 
■^  horse ;  in  order  to  keep  house  in  the  country,  one 
must  own  a  pig.  In  popular  estimation,  the  animal 
creation  stand  in  relation  to  man  in  the  following  or- 
der— cows,  horses,  pigs,  dogs.  For  the  existence  of  a 
large  portion  of  the  race  of  infants  in  these  modern 
days  of  tight  lacing  and  slender  limbs,  a  cow  is  a 
prime  necessity ;  for  utility  in  transferring  one's  self 
from  place  to  place  between  which  there  is  no  rail- 
road, or  if  there  is,  and  the  person's  life  is  precious 
in  his  own  eyes,  a  horse  is  extremely  useful ;  for  as- 
sociation in  contemplative  moments  and  suggestive- 
ness  of  comfortable  ideas,  a  pig  is  very  pleasant ;  for 
the  higher  enjoyments  of  life,  for  the  sports  of  the 
field  and  wood,  the  dog  takes  first  rank. 

I  have  already  described  the  cow.     My  dog,  like 
those  of  all  my  friends,  is  the  best  in  the  world,  and 


62  Five  Acres   TOO   Much. 

I  bought  the  "  love  of  a  pig."  Pigs  are  a  highly  in- 
tellectual race ;  they  not  only  know  on  which  side 
their  bread  is  buttered,  but  in  which  part  of  the 
trough  to  find  the  best-buttered  pieces.  Reader,  didst 
thou  ever  study  the  language  of  a  pig — the  beautiful 
intonations  of  its  various  expressions ;  the  grunt  of 
welcome  at  its  master's  approach ;  the  sharp  warning 
to  desist  if  punishment  is  threatened ;  the  squeal  de- 
manding more  food,  broken  often  into  the  most  pit- 
eous accents  of  entreaty ;  the  cry  of  pain,  or  scream 
of  rage  ?  Pig-language  is  a  copious  one,  although 
the  power  to  understand  it  is  given  to  but  few  of  the 
human  race.  The  expressions  of  a  pig's  face  are 
most  impressive ;  the  eye  speaks  the  enjoyment  of  a 
joke — twinkles  with  fun,  as  we  say;  conveys  an  inti- 
mation of  anger,  or  expresses  scorn  of  an  underhand 
action  or  watchfulness  against  it.  Who  ever  got  the 
better  of  a  pig  by  fair  means  ?  Chase  him,  and  see 
him  provokingly  keep  half  a  dozen  feet  ahead  of  you ; 
try  to  drive  him,  and  measure  his  obstinacy  even  by 
that  of  your  wife ;  endeavor  to  lead  him,  and  make 
up  your  mind  to  have  a  "  good  time." 

Our  pig  united  many  pleasant  qualities  and  points 
of  sagacity  to  a  gentleness  and  suavity  rare  in  the 
race;  he  had  an  appetite  that  was  a  joy  to  behold, 
and  was  as  effective  an  appetizer  as  a  gin-cocktail. 


More  Livk-Stock. 


63 


The  household  was  large,  and  swill  consequently 
abundant,  but  piggy  never  shrank  from  his  duty ;  he 
seemed  to  feel  that  the  reputation  of  all  pigdom  rest- 
ed on  him,  and,  no  matter  how  often  the  trough  was 
replenished,  he  was  ever  ready  to  renew  his  attacks. 
His  sides  were  puffed  out  and  rounded  like  a  ball, 
but  he  would  stand  with  one  foot  in  the  trough,  and 
never  desist  till  the  last  morsel  was  consumed.  lie 
was  as  clean  and  white  as  a  baby  in  a  morning-gown, 
and  would  allow  liis  flanks  to  be  sci-atched  in  the 
most  gracious  way,  grunting  gently  the  while,  and 


64      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

occasionally  turning  over  on  his  side.  He  was  alto- 
gether a  rarely  sociable  companion :  so  much  for  our 

pig- 
In  selecting  a  horse,  there  was  one  point  I  had 

made  up  my  mind  upon — he  must  be  gentle;  he 
might  be  fast  or  slow,  stylish  or  commonplace,  "but 
kind  in  single  or  double  harness,  as  the  professionals 
term  it,  he  should  be.  My  experience  of  horse-flesh 
has  been  varied  and  instructive :  I  have  been  thrown 
over  their  heads  and  slid  over  their  tails ;  have  been 
dragged  by  saddle-stirrups  and  tossed  out  of  wagons ; 
I  have  had  them  to  balk  and  to  kick,  to  run  and  to 
bolt,  to  stand  on  their  hind  feet  and  kick  with  their 
front,  and  then  reciprocate  by  standing  on  their  front 
and  kicking  with  their  hind  feet.  I  have  seen  more 
of  a  horse's  heels,  have  known  more  of  the  intricacies 
and  possibilities  of  a  "  smash-up,"  have  had  more  bits 
of  pole  and  whiffle-trees  sent  flying  over  my  head 
than  falls  to  the  lot  of  most  men;  I  have  been  thrown 
nmch  with  horses,  and  more  by  them ;  I  have  had 
them  do  nearly  every  thing  they  should  not  have 
done,  and  leave  undone  all  that  they  sliould  have 
done.  So  gentleness  was  the  one  prerequisite  to  a 
purchase,  and  many  were  the  animals  I  examined 
to  secure  this  qualification,  many  the  faults  I  discov- 
ered ;  but  I  finally  obtained  the  precise  creature  I 


More   Li ve-Stcxmv.  65 

wanted.  lie  was  graceful,  free,  fast,  stylish,  and, 
above  all,  perfectly  gentle — a  very  family  horse. 

On  the  confines  of  Flushing  stands  a  house  about 
two  hundred  feet  from  the  road,  and  surrounded  on 
three  sides  by  a  high  hedge  of  arhor-vit(J6.  At  the 
front  is  a  court-yard,  and  what  was  once  a  stately  en- 
trance, with  a  carriage-drive  round  a  circle,  and  a 
number  of  noble  forest-trees ;  but  the  grass  has  cov- 
ered the  carriage-road,  weeds  have  choked  the  lawn, 
and  the  trees  spread  their  scraggy  branches  untrim- 
med  and  uncared  for.  The  dwelling  is  large,  and 
has  a  deep  piazza  along  the  entire  front ;  it  gives  ev- 
ery outward  appearance  of  comfort,  but  no  family 
has  occupied  it  more  than  two  consecutive  months 
for  many  years.     The  house  is  haunted. 

Many  years  ago  an  old  French  lady  owned  the 
place,  and  she  had  one  daughter — a  beauty,  of  course 
— given  to  falling  in  love,  equally  of  coui*se,  or  she 
would  not  have  been  French — and  somewhat  undu- 
tiful,  as  the  sequel  will  show.  The  mother,  accord- 
ing to  the  ordinary  Parisian  habit,  wished  to  make  a 
good  match  for  her  daughter ;  the  latter,  according  to 
the  universal  female  habit,  wished  to  select  a  hand- 
some husband  for  herself;  the  mother  offered  a 
wealthy  and  highly  respectable  "  mentor,  guide,  and 
friend"  of  sixty;  the  young  lady  chose  a  dashing, 


66      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

devil-may-care  lover  of  twenty-five.  The  parent  dis- 
missed the  latter,  the  daughter  dismissed  the  former; 
the  mother  threatened  to  anathematize  if  she  was  not 
obeyed,  and,  being  disobeyed,  did  something  of  the 
kind — what,  among  gentlemen,  w^ould  be  called  "  tall 
swearing."  The  daughter,  w^ho  had  learned  the  hab- 
its of  American  children,  consented  to  an  elopement 
with  her  lover ;  the  time  was  set,  the  hour  arrived. 

It  was  a  bright  moonlight  night,  the  seventh  of 
October,  in  the  year  eighteen  hundred  and  no  matter 
what ;  a  high  wind  was  blowing,  and  scattered  clouds 
were  driving  rapidly  across  the  sky ;  the  young  gen- 
tleman at  the  appointed  hour  stood  at  the  gate  with 
a  pair  of  fast  trotters  and  one  of  the  lightest  turn- 
outs of  Brewster  &  Co.,  of  Bond  Street,  having  en- 
gaged a  clergyman  in  the  city  of  New  York.  Time 
flew  by,  but  he  waited  in  vain.  His  lady-love  had 
not  failed  of  her  promises,  however,  but,  after  her 
mother  had  retired,  and  by  her  loud  snoring  attested 
the  profundity  of  her  repose,  she  quietly  descended 
the  stairs,  opened  the  front  door  silently  as  the  ex- 
pertest  of  thieves,  and  stepped  upon  the  piazza.  At 
that  moment  a  heavy  cloud  passed  across  the  moon, 
and  a  fierce  gust  slammed  to  the  door ;  fearing  that 
her  mother  might  have  been  aroused,  she  groped  her 
way  hastily  across  the  piazza,  caught  the  balustrade 


MoreLive-Stook.  67 

of  the  steps,  and — walked  off  on  the  wrong  side.  It 
was  a  fall  of  ten  feet ;  with  a  wild  shriek  she  pitched 
liead  foremost  on  the  bricks  of  the  area. 

The  lover  waited  and  waited,  fearing  let  suspicions 
might  have  been  aroused,  or  resolution  have  failed ; 
amid  the  noise  of  blustering  winds  and  falling  leaves 
he  thought  he  heard  a  cry  of  distress,  and,  at  last  be- 
coming uneasy,  determined  to  visit  his  dulcinea's  win- 
dow, and  ask  her  how  she  did.  Tying  his  horses,  he 
crept  quietly  along  the  shady  side  of  tlie  hedge, 
w^iich  was  that  on  the  opposite  side  to  her  room,  as 
he  did  not  wish  to  be  seen.  As  soon  as  he  reached 
the  piazza,  he  followed  along  under  the  edge  of  it 
till  he  came  to  the  steps,  where  he  waited  for  a 
friendly  cloud  to  conceal  his  movements,  when  he 
was  compelled  to  pass  outside  of  them. 

The  opportunity  soon  offered,  he  slipped  by,  and 
the  cloud  cleared  away  just  after  he  had  stuml)led 
on  a  bundle  of  clothes,  as  he  supposed,  beyond  the 
steps ;  he  turned  to  look ;  and  there,  lying  uix)n  her 
back,  staring  up  to  heaven  with  lack-lustre,  wide- 
open  eyes,  the  crimson  stains  upon  lier  white  fore- 
head telling  her  fate,  stiff,  and  stark,  and  cold,  lay  all 
that  he  held  dearest  in  this  world.  Her  lips  would 
never  again  whisper  words  of  love ;  her  heart  had 
ceased  to  feel  that  passion  which  had  proved  her 


6S  Five   Acres    too   Mho  it. 

destruction.  The  lover's  cries  aroused  the  house, 
and  brought  out  the  trembling  mother  to  behold  her 
daughter  still  undisturbed,  with  the  horror  of  sudden 
and  cruel  death  upon  her  unmitigated.  And  amid 
the  shrieks  of  the  parent  and  the  lamentations  of  the 
servants,  the  maddened  lover,  who  had  been  attacked 
with  a  frenzy  that  never  left  him,  heaped  reproaches, 
and  retaliated  with  curses  on  her  w^iose  curses 
seemed  in  his  insanity  to  have  caused  this  terrible 
calamity. 

Of  the  parties  to  this  tragedy  there  were  none  liv- 
ing in  three  months ;  they  were  buried  in  adjoining 
graves,  at  the  request  of  the  mother,  who  had  it  done 
apparently  as  an  atonement.  This  palliation  did  not 
seem  to  answer,  however,  for  on  the  seventh  of  every 
month,  at  the  hour  of  eleven,  a  ghostly  figure  slips 
out  of  the  front  door,  w^hether  it  is  locked  or  not,  and 
with  a  scream  falls  from  the  piazza;  a  male  figure 
suddenly  appears  rent  with  agony  at  its  side,  and 
then  another  female  wringing  her  hands  in  despair, 
while  the  male  gesticulates  fiercely  at  her.  Such  is 
this  veritable  history  as  I  have  it  from  the  oldest  in- 
habitant, and  it  is  no  wonder  that  people  do  not  like 
living  in  a  house  with  such  associates. 

I  do  not  often  use  our  horse ;  I  am  not  fond  of 
driving,  and  liave  a  vivid  recollection  of  the  early 


MoRK    Livk-Stocjk.  69 

accidents  with  horse-flesh  heretofore  mentioned ;  but 
wlien  it  became  necessary  to  buy  a  pig,  my  judgment 
was  indispensable,  and  I  was  compelled  to  drive  to 
the  place  of  his  residence — which  w^as  the  haunted 
house.  I  did  not  know  that  it  was  haunted,  and, 
being  well  aw^are  of  the  decorum  that  requires  the 
master  of  the  establishment  to  "  tool"  his  coachman, 
no  matter  how  much  more  competent  the  latter  may 
be,  I  took  the  reins,  and  dashed  in  grand  style  along 
the  entrance  to  the  door.  Leaving  the  coachman  at 
the  animal's  head,  I  walked  to  the  pig-pen,  which  was 
in  the  rear  of  the  house,  and  there  w^as  soon  en- 
grossed in  admiring  the  beautiful  little  creature  that 
I  liave  already  described.  Many  minutes  were  de- 
voted to  the  contemplation  of  his  innumerable  fine 
points,  and  I  was  only  aroused  by  the  noise  of  a 
struggle,  shouts  for  help,  and  a  clatter  of  hoofs.  In- 
stantly running  toward  the  front,  I  arrived  just  in 
time  to  see  the  heels  of  Dandy  Jim — for  such  was 
the  animal's  name — disappearing  round  the  corner, 
and  to  help  my  groom,  who  was  lying  on  his  back  in 
the  road,  upon  his  feet. 

It  seemed  that  the  horee  had  stood  perfectly  quiet 
for  several  minutes,  then  became  uneasy,  began  to 
tremble,  and  turn  his  head  with  a  wild  look  over  liis 
shoulder.     In  spite  of  the  efforts  of  the  coachman, 


70  Five   Acres   too  Much. 

who  was  a  powerful  fellow,  and  had  been  severely 
bruised  in  the  struggle,  he  reared  and  plunged  vio- 
lently, and  finally,  breaking  away,  dashed  round  the 
circle,  out  at  the  entrance,  and  away  up  the  road. 
The  man  firmly  believed  that  Dandy  had  seen  the 
ghost,  w^hich  was  now  mentioned  for  tlie  first  time, 
altliough  my  views  inclined  to  accept  the  occurrence 
as  an  outcropping  of  the  original  sin  of  the  liorse 
family. 

The  pursuit  of  a  ninaway  horse  is  a  melancholy 
operation — his  speed  is  so  much  greater  than  his  pur- 
suer's ;  his  means  of  flight  so  much  better  tlian  the 
latter's  opportunities  for  stopping  him ;  he  has  four 
feet  to  set  against  two,  and  knows  so  well  how  to  use 
them ;  he  has  such  unpleasant  soimdness  of  wind  and 
limb,  and  such  a  raging  devil  inside  of  him,  w^hile 
the  satisfaction  of  recovering  ruined  debris  is  so 
slight,  and  the  mode  of  punishment  so  vague.  I  fol- 
lowed along  as  best  I  might,  picking  up  a  cushion 
here,  a  blanket  there,  the  whip  in  one  place,  and  the 
seat  in  another,  inquiring  of  every  ono  that  I  met 
whether  they  had  seen  a  horse,  and  being  invariably 
answered  "  that  they  guessed  they  had."  It  is  enough 
to  say  that,  after  smashing  every  thing  to  pieces, 
tearing  the  body  of  the  wagon  from  the  wheels,  toss- 
ing out  what  was  movable,  and  ruining  his  harness, 


MoreLive-Stock.  71 

Dandy  Jim  became  satisfied,  and  allowed  a  rustic  to 
catch  him. 

Here  was  a  pretty  family  horse — afraid  of  a  ghost 
when  all  respectable  families  teach  their  children 
that  there  are  no  such  tilings  as  ghosts;  running 
away  under  supernatural,  and  without  even  the  ex- 
cuse of  mortal,  terror.  I  felt  like  shooting  or  selling 
— probably  the  latter,  on  economical  principles — 
Dandy  Jim,  but  eventually  concluded  to  repair,  or, 
more  properly,  remake  the  wagon.  I  could  only 
have  sold  out  at  a  great  loss — and  1  so  rarely  rode 
behind  him. 

Dandy  had  several  peculiarities  of  temper  besides 
his  fear  of  ghosts.  He  did  not  like  steam-engines — 
if  he  had  known  how  many  people  they  kill,  he  would 
have  been  entirely  justifiable ;  so  one  day,  when  I  was 
crossing  the  track  after  having  been  to  make  a  visit 
to  a  friend — for  no  one  visits  on  foot  in  the  country 
— Dandy  Jim  saw  the  engine  approaching.  That 
was  sufficient ;  he  immediately  rose  on  his  hind  legs 
and  pawed  the  air.  This  might  possibly  have  con- 
tented him,  but  the  leather  straps,  which  were  not 
intended  to  stand  such  a  strain,  gave  way,  and  the 
wagon  came  upon  his  heels.  What  then  happened  1 
do  not  precisely  know ;  he  seemed  to  fly ;  occasion- 
ally he  would  appear  to  rise  above  the  trees,  and 


72  Five   Acres   too   Much. 

then  to  descend  into  the  bowels  of  the  earth;  he 
leaped  from  side  to  side  of  the  road  with  an  ease  and 
rapidity  that  would  have  shamed  a  well-practiced 
kangaroo ;  the  wagon  bounded  after  him  like  the  tail 
to  a  boy's  kite  when  the  latter  gets  pitching  about 
with  the  violence  of  the  wind,  while  his  heels  played 
like  flashes  of  lightning  far  over  my  head.  Fortu- 
nately, a  countryman  ran  to  my  assistance  and  held 
back  the  wagon,  while  anotlier  caught  the  horse  by 
the  head.  I  rewarded  those  men  liberally.  Now  a 
family  horse  should  not  kick,  nor  plunge,  nor  rear. 

Another  of  his  peculiarities  was  a  dislike  to  stand- 
ing. He  did  not  mind  standing  in  the  stable  in  the 
least,  but  when  he  was  harnessed  he  expected  to  keep 
moving.  I  hardly  drove  him  sufticiently  to  learn  his 
eccentricities  of  temper,  and  on  one  occasion  laid 
down  the  reins  for  a  moment.  He  immediately 
started,  and  the  reins  slipped  over  the  dash-board 
out  of  reach.  Eeader,  have  you  ever  experienced 
the  feeling  of  being  run  away  with — I  mean,  female 
reader — by  a  horse  ?  If  not,  do  not  aspire  to  it.  It 
is  not  pleasant.  The  motion  is  rapid,  and  perhaps 
exhilarating,  but  it  is  not  smooth,  and  tlie  mode  of 
stopping  is  uncertain.  There  is  little  to  do,  and 
probably  much  to  suffer,  with  a  possibility  of  ceas- 
ing to  be.     Dandy,  instead  of  being  a  family  horse. 


Moke    L  i  v  e  -  S  t  o  c  k. 


73 


ought  to  have  been  a  race-hoi*se;  his  speed  was 
wonderful,  though  I  forgot  to  time  it.  1  held  by 
the  dash-board,  and  shouted  ''  ho !"  at  tlie  top  of  my 
voice.  Evidently  his  knowledge  of  English  was  im- 
perfect ;  he  mistook  "  ho"  for  "  go,"  and  the  more  I 
shouted  the  faster  he  went. 

Where  we  went,  or  how^  we  w^ent,  I  never  knew. 
When  I  came  to  my  ordinary  senses,  and  escaped 
from  what  seemed  to  me  like  a  blazing  comet  on  a 
"  bust,"  I  found  myself  on  the  top  of  a  pile  of  soft 
dirt — that  species  of  filth  that  the  farmers  obtain  in 


74  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

the  city,  and  put  on  their  lands  to  make  vegetables 
grow.  Although  it  smelled  strong,  and  my  clothes 
were  seriously  damaged,  my  body  proved,  on  careful 
examination,  to  be  unhurt,  and  my  mental  nature 
only  badly  scared.  I  concluded  to  sell  that  family 
horse.  My  prejudices  and  impressions  were  in  this 
instance,  as  in  all  others,  borne  out  by  the  result.  I 
determined  to  wait,  before  1  drove  again,  till  I  could 
drive  my  own  private  steam-engine,  for,  with  good 
management,  I  believe  steam-engines  run  smoother 
than  horses. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  mention  other  peculiari- 
ties, such  as  an  insane  desire  to  eat  me  up  whenever 
I  passed  near  his  head,  in  entire  disregard  of  the  fact 
that  Kature  had  not  made  l:im  carni^'orous,  and  an 
equally  intense  wish  to  kick  me  with  his  heels  when- 
ever I  passed  by  his  flanks.  These  idiosyncracies 
prevented  my  visiting  the  stable  frequently,  while 
our  out-door  acquaintance  he  had  made  short,  and 
not  sweet.  Fortunately,  he  was  lame  most  of  the 
time,  and  when  he  was  not  lame  he  wanted  shoeing, 
so  that  the  family  were  not  able  to  risk  their  lives 
unreasonably  often. 

All  this  while  the  pig  had  been  quietly  feeding 
and  growing ;  in  fact,  a  pig  is  a  very  different  sort  of 
animal.     A  pig  never  runs  away  and  smashes  wag- 


More  Live-Stock. 


76 


ons ;  a  pig  never  kicks  people,  nor  dashes  out  their 
brains,  nor  drags  them  by  stirrups,  nor  does  other 
such  disagreeable  things,  but  is  gentle  and  sweet 
tempered;  he  is  all  good.  A  boar's  head  was  the 
famous  dish  of  antiquity ;  his  hams,  and  shoulders, 
and  sides  enable  nations  to  carry  on  w^ar,  ships  to  go 
to  sea,  and  commerce  to  exist ;  his  bristles  help  us  to 
keep  our  heads  and  clothes  clean ;  his  skin  bestrides 
his  competitor  —  and  then,  upon  the  classic  rule  of 
a  part  standing  for  the  whole,  he  is  in  his  right  place ; 


n 


Five   Acres    too    M  u  c  ii. 


his  petitoes  are  the  delight  of  connoisseurs ;  his  en- 
trails are  converted  into  delicious  sausages ;  and  who 
has  not  read  the  apotheosis  of  roast  pig  ?  Of  a  horse, 
the  hide  and  bones  perhaps  are  useful,  but  the  worth- 
less carcass  is  only  fit  for  carrion  ;  dangerous  in  life, 
while  in  death  his  boiling  bones  breed  a  pestilence. 
Which,  then,  is  the  nobler  animal  ? 

Note. — My  horse  has  just  run  away  again,  and  I  must  go  and 
collect  the  wagon. 


The  Country  —  How  to  get  There.  77 


A 


CHAPTEE  lY. 

THE   COTJNTRY,  AND   HOW   TO   GET  THERE. 

VERY  large  portion  of  every  man's  life  is  ex- 
pended in  transporting  himself  from  one  place 
to  anotlier,  and  there  are  several  modes  of  doing  it. 
The  most  disagreeable  and  disgusting  is  to  crowed 
into  a  city  railroad  car,  and  the  next  is  to  ride  in 
an  omnibus;  the  dyspeptic  rich  use  carnages,  the 
healthy  poor  do  not;  you  can  go  on  horseback  if 
you  know  how  to  stay  there  and  your  hoi-se  is  agree- 
able ;  in  cold  w^eather  skating  is  rapid,  in  warm 
weather  steam-boats  carry  you  luxuriantly ;  and,  if 
time  is  an  object,  and  life  is  none,  you  trust  yourself 
to  the  locomotive.  To  reach  Flushing,  you  must  use 
both  steam-boat  and  railroad. 

"  There  is  one  thing,"  said  Weeville,  in  the  com- 
mencement of  our  enterprise,  with  his  usual  enthusi- 
astic manner,  "  that  you  wdll  appreciate — the  access 
to  Flushing  is  most  convenient ;  there  are  twelve 
trains  each  way  daily,  and  they  run  with   perfect 


78      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

regularity.  No  railroad  in  tlie  country  is  so  well 
managed  as  ours,  and  no  trip  could  be  pleasanter. 
You  have  a  half  hour  on  the  ferry-boat,  and  almost 
twenty  minutes  in  the  cars,  just  a  delightful  variety 
and  absolute  safety.  Why,  they  have  never  killed  a 
passenger  since  the  track  w^as  laid." 

This  was  certainly  satisfactory  information,  and  I 
had  to  regret  that  the  necessity  of  repairing  this  ad- 
mirable road  compelled  its  intelligent  and  exempla- 
ry managers  to  reduce  the  number  of  trains  consid- 
erably the  very  day  I  commenced  building.  But  it 
was  certainly  time  the  repairs  were  made,  as  a  train 
liad  just  broken  througli  a  bridge,  and  commenced 
the  customary  business  of  killing  passengers ;  and 
the  entire  pile-work,  whicli  constitutes  one  half  the 
track,  was  discovered  to  be  utterly  rotted  out.  I 
was  not  sorry  the  repairs  were  commenced,  although 
I  was  sadly  inconvenienced,  as  the  speed  and  regu- 
larity had  apparently  both  decayed  with  the  wood- 
work. 

Compared  with  other  places,  the  superior  accessi- 
bility of  Flushing  was  apparent.  The  delay  w^ould 
be  temporary,  and  for  good  purpose ;  whereas,  if  you 
w^ish  to  live  on  the  North  Eiver,  it  is  an  even  chance 
that  you  are  dumped  into  the  water  every  day  or 
two ;  if  you  travel  by  the  Long  Island  road,  you  must 


The  Country  —  How  to  get  There.  70 

carry  a  month's  provision,  and  carefully  avoid  stand- 
ing on  tlie  platforms  or  sitting  in  the  front  car — col- 
lisions, at  the  moderate  speed  of  this  road,  rarely  af- 
fect the  rear  cars ;  if  you  are  on  the  line  of  the  Erie, 
or  Morris  and  Essex,  you  will  have  to  clamber  over 
Bergen  Hill,  and  take  the  train  after  it  comes  out 
of  the  tunnel,  provided  you  desire  an  approach  to 
safety ;  and  the  weight  and  inconvenience  of  a  life- 
preserver  on  a  hot  summer  day — even  one  of  the 
patent  portable  blow-up-able  vests  of  modern  inven- 
tion— render  steam-boat  travel  unendurable.  In  go- 
ing to  Flushing  you  have  a  double  cause  for  rejoic- 
ing— you  are  first  thankful  when  you  are  safe  off  the 
steam-boat  and  on  board  the  cars,  and,  in  returning, 
doubly  thankful  when  you  are  safe  out  of  the  cars 
and  back  again  on  the  steam-boat. 

There  is  an  unreasonable  prejudice  in  the  public 
mind  against  being  killed  on  a  railroad.  There  are 
many  worse  deaths :  there  is  hanging,  for  instance, 
but  that,  alas !  is  rare,  or  we  should  have  fewer  alder- 
men ;  there  is  being  broken  on  the  w^heel  on  the 
French  antique  model,  or  sawed  asunder  after  the 
Chinese  fashion;  lockjaw  is  unpleasant,  apoplexy  un- 
comfortable, and  epilepsy  repulsive.  In  fact^ death 
is  so  disagreeable,  and  comes  in  so  many  ways,  that 
a  man  hardly  knows  how  to  make  a  judicious  choice. 


80  Five   AcRER    TOO   Mucir. 

Therefore  I  always  sit  on  tlie  end  seat,  provided  the 
ladies,  as  is  their  artless  habit,  bless  their  souls !  have 
each  occupied  a  bench  to  hei-self,  and  have  thus  taken 
np  all  the  room,  for  I  would  as  lief  any  time  face 
death  as  a  strange  woman  with  a  hoop-skirt.  Besides, 
by  so  doing  I  have  a  monopoly  of  this  bench  myself, 
and,  if  I  am  to  be  killed,  have  it  done  out  of  hand 
and.  without  prolonged  inconvenience. 

Tlie  Flushing  cars  were  crowded,  which  proves 
what  a  thriving  place  it  w^as,  for  tlie  gentlemanly 
directors  would  certainly  never  w^illingly  inconven- 
ience or  unnecessarily  crowd  their  passengers;  and 
the  depot  is  not  skillfully  constructed.  Alongside 
the  platfoi'm  was  the  track  of  the  Long  Island  road, 
beyond  it  a  narrow  strip  of  two  or  three  boards,  and 
then  the  Flushing  track.  As  the  Long  Island  train 
was  alw^ays  in,  or  coming  in,  or  going  out  when  the 
Flusliing  train  w^as  about  to  start,  much  practice, 
nerve,  and  courage  w^ere  required  to  reach  it  safely. 
The  other  train  had  either  to  be  stormed  or  avoided  ; 
passengers  had  to  dribble  in  a  long  line  betw^een  the 
tracks,  or  climb  over  the  platform  of  the  Long  Island 
cars ;  and,  since  no  one  insulted  them  by  gratuitous 
advice,  they  not  unfi-equently  took  the  wrong  train. 

As  nerve,  courage,  and  presence  of  mind  are  val- 
uable qualities,  and  rarely  cultivated  among  ladies, 


The  Country  —  IIow  to  get  There.  81 

Hunter's  Point  d^pot  was  equal  to  a  public  school, 
and  deserved  the  commendation  of  the  public.  No 
man  or  woman  w^ho  has  safely  traveled  by  this  road 
for  a  year  need  dread  "the  battle  or  the  breeze." 
Any  one  who  can  stand  on  a  platform  not  more 
tlian  tw^o  feet  wide,  and,  unmoved,  let  one  train  whiz 
past  in  one  direction  and  another  whiz  past  in  the 
contrary,  without  allowing  dress  or  person  to  be 
caught  or  struck,  deserves  a  diploma  for  self-com- 
mand. Of  course,  a  few  "go  under"  in  learning 
how,  but  the  mass  of  the  traveling  public  is  vastly 
improved  by  the  experience. 

The  completion  of  the  repairs  of  the  road  was  not 
followed  by  an  immediate  return  to  traditional  punc- 
tuality. I  remember  reaching  Hunter's  Point  one 
evening  by  the  Twenty-third  Street  ferry  "just  in 
time  to  be  too  late ;"  the  train  did  not  wait  for  the 
boat,  w^hicli  was  delayed  because  the  pilot  had  a  cu- 
rious incapacity  for  steering  into  the  dock,  and  usual- 
ly ran  against  all  the  pile-work  of  the  neighborhood. 
The  train  went  out  of  the  depot  as  I  came  into  it. 
There  was  only  an  hour  to  wait,  however,  and  a  per- 
son should  never  be  without  that  amount  of  patience ; 
so  I  sat  down  on  the  platform,  dangling  my  feet  over 
the  edge,  as  was  the  universal  custom,  and  commenced 
to  endure  an  hour's  unnecessary  existence.  It  is  queer 
D2 


82      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

how  we  hate  Uf e  when  it  is  forced  upon  us,  and  how 
we  love  it  when  there  is  danger  of  its  being  taken 
away  from  ns.  There  sat  half  a  dozen  men  who 
would  have  given  from  fi\e  to  fifty  dollars  each  to 
have  had  sixty  minutes  less  of  hfe,  whereas  the 
wretch  on  the  scaffold  w^ould  give  five  thousand  for 
sixty  minutes  more. 

The  hour  w^ent  by,  then  another,  and  another,  each 
bringing  accessions  to  the  crowd  of  anxious,  hungry, 
unhappy  w^aiting  men  and  women  that  clung  round 
the  d^pot  like  drones  round  a  hive,  and  giving  me 
plenty  of  time  to  work  out  the  foregoing  specula- 
tions. Night  came  upon  us.  The  only  ofiicial — the 
ticket-man — shut  up  his  office  and  went  home,  prob- 
ably to  a  loving  wife  and  family ;  the  brakeman  put 
out  all  but  one  light ;  five  o'clock  had  resolved  itself 
into  ten.  Conveyances  of  all  kinds,  from  a  carriage 
down  to  a  swill-cart,  were  in  demand  to  carry  pas- 
sengers to  Flushing ;  fares  by  these  novel  and  some- 
what dilatory  vehicles  ranged  from  one  dollar  to  five. 
Men  became  disgusted,  women  exhausted,  and  chil- 
dren irrepressible ;  but  still  no  train.  When  1  left 
in  despair,  at  about  midnight,  the  men  had  fallen 
asleep  on  the  benches,  while  women  were  frantically 
demanding  where  there  w^as  a  respectable  hotel. 

Next  day  it  appeared  that  the  train  had  run  off 


The  Country  —  How   to   get  There.  S3 

the  track.  On  this  road  tlie  engine  had,  in  tliose 
early  days  of  its  unj)erfected  existence,  the  habit  of 
running  with  one  end  foremost  while  going,  and  witii 
the  other  end  foremost  when  returning;  so  that,  as  it 
Tinfortunately  is  not  provided  with  a  cow-catcher  at 
both  extremities,  it  occasionally  met  with  difficulties. 
On  this  particular  occasion,  dunng  the  return  trip, 
a  stupid  ox  had  planted  himself  in  the  way,  entirely 
forgetting  that  the  cow-catcher  was  not  there  for  him, 
and  absolutely  succeeded  in  discommoding  and  an- 
noying at  least  ^ve  hundred  people,  besides  killing 
himself — a  piece  of  stupidity  on  his  part  only  worthy 
of  an  ox. 

The  trains  had  become  very  variable ;  during  the 
first  week  of  my  residence  in  Flushing,  out  of  the  six 
trips  four  w^ere  failures,  and  in  the  first  month  I  had 
completed  the  romid  of  experiences.  The  boat  had 
missed  the  train,  and  the  train  had  missed  the  boat ; 
the  boat  had  blown  or  burnt  up — I  never  knew  which 
— and  the  train  had  gone  off  the  track.  Several  men 
who  were  not  experienced  in  dodging  had  been  kill- 
ed ;  fuel  had  given  out,  and  water  dried  up ;  engines 
had  grown  wheezy,  and  bridges  become  rickety ;  the 
pilot  had  nm  down  the  dock  entirely,  and  the  engine 
reduced  its  speed  to  six  miles  an  hour.  Once  the 
train  started  before  the  time,  but  the  outsiders  be- 


84      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

came  so  enraged  that  no  train  ever  afterward  started 
on  time ;  in  fact,  every  conceivable  mode  of  evading 
punctuality  had  been  tested,  but  I  was  happy,  at  the 
conclusion,  to  be  able  to  repeat  the  immortal  words, 
"I  still  live." 

Philosophy  is  a  great  resource  under  such  circum- 
stances, and,  after  all,  there  is  often  as  much  gained 
as  lost  by  a  want  of  punctuality.  Many  a  comforta- 
ble nap  and  undisturbed  perusal  of  the  daily  papers — 
two  pleasures  for  which  the  ordinary  day  rarely  fur- 
nishes opportunities — have  I  had  by  the  aid  of  the 
Flushing  Railroad.  Some  persons  grumbled,  and 
abused  the  officials,  and  uttered  b^d  language,  but  it 
did  no  good.  The  employes  soon  became  used  to 
the  disappointment,  w^hy  should  not  the  passengers  ? 
On  one  occasion,  when  the  locomotive  had  been 
wheezing  along  at  a  snail's  pace,  stopping  frequently 
to  rest  and  take  breath,  I  became  alarmed,  and  asked 
a  brakeman  what  was  the  matter  with  the  engine. 
This  was  temerity  on  my  part,  for  railroad  men  do 
not  approve  of  familiarity  from  passengers,  and  I 
dreaded  the  result  as  he  gazed  calmly  at  me;  but 
suddenly  a  smile  broke  over  his  countenance,  and  he 
answ^ered  laconically, "  Played  out." 

The  conductor  was  another  sort  of  man ;  when  an 
unhappy  passenger,  who  had  not  borne  his  trials  well, 


The  Country  — How    to   get  There.   85 

and  during  the  summer  had  uttered  numerous  com- 
plaints, was  finding  fault  toward  the  close  of  the 
season  with  some  omission  or  commission,  the  con- 
ductor, whose  patience  had  been  entirely  exhausted, 
turned  upon  him  with, 

"You  have  been  casting  slurs  on  our  railroad  all 
summer ;  now  what  do  you  know  about  it  V 

"  Wliy,  I  have  been  spending  the  season  at  Flush- 
ing, and  have  been  traveling  on  it." 

"  Then  let  me  tell  you,  it  is  as  well  managed  as 
other  railroads,  and  if  you  don't  like  it  you  need  not 
ride  on  it.  I  don't  want  any  passengers  who  are  not 
satisfied." 

This  was  putting  things  on  their  true  basis ;  some 
silly  people  think  it  a  swindle  when  certain  times  are 
advertised  but  not  kept,  when  boats  are  taken  off 
without  notice,  connections  are  not  made,  and  the 
time  of  passengers  is  wasted ;  but  they  seem  to  for- 
get that  they  need  not  go  by  rail.  If  they  do  not 
wish  to  ride,  they  can  always  w^alk ;  the  choice  is 
open  to  them,  and  Flushing  is  only  six  miles  off. 

Note. — Since  the  foregoing  was  written  all  this  has  been  changed. 
The  railroad  has  been  put  in  charge  of  a  newspaper  editor.  It  now 
has  the  finest  cars,  the  best  conductors,  and  makes  the  most  reg»ilar 
time  of  any  road  in  the  United  States.     Mj  lots  are  not  all  sold  yet. 


S6  Five  Ackes  too   Much. 


CHAPTER  V. 

A   WELL. 

*' If 'twere  well  done  when  'twere  done,  'twere  well  'twere  done 
quickly." 

O  OME  of  the  incidents  connected  with  digging 
^  our  well  have  already  been  referred  to,  but  good 
water  is  so  necessary  to  a  country  place  that  the 
mode  of  obtaining  it  deserves  a  separate  chapter. 
Well-digging  is  a  profession,  and  the  most  cultivated 
master  of  the  art  to  be  found  in  the  neighborhood 
had  been  engaged,  immediately  after  the  foundation 
of  the  house  was  commenced,  to  dig  the  well.  It 
was  strange,  however,  how  many  people  at  about  the 
same  time  had  determined  to  do  the  same  thing ;  it 
seemed  as  though  the  entire  village  had  been  seized 
with  a  mania  for  sinking  wells.  He  was  exceeding- 
ly busy,  and  was  compelled,  much  against  his  wishes, 
to  demand  an  exorbitant  price  for  his  services.  lie 
regretted  it  deeply,  but  he  would  have  to  ask  four 
dollars  and  a  half  a  foot.  As  the  ordinary  price 
was  about  a  dollar,  it  was  certainly  honest  of  him  to 
explain  beforehand  the  necessities  of  his  situation ; 


A  Well.  87 

and  although  it  was  inconvenient  that  the  villagers 
should  have  been  stricken  with  this  fancy  at  so  in- 
opportune a  moment,  it  was  certainly  fortunate  4:hat 
the  man  was  so  honest.  He  was  employed  at  once, 
and  strongly  impressed  with  the  necessity  of  the  ut- 
most haste. 

It  is  probable  that  his  other  engagements  en- 
grossed much  of  his  time.  The  well  did  not  pro- 
gress rapidly ;  but,  as  it  soon  appeared  that  the  house 
would  not  be  completed  for  occupation  before  the 
ensuing  summer,  the  immediate  necessity  for  drink- 
ing-water was  done  away  with.  There  is  a  wonder- 
ful romance  about  the  "  old  oaken  bucket."  Many 
a  time  in  youthful  days  have  I  plunged  my  nose 
into  its  liquid  contents,  and  choked  myself,  and 
poured  the  water  down  my  shirt-front,  in  frantic  en- 
deavors to  drink  from  its  thick  rim;  often  have  I 
lowered  the  empty  vessel  far  into  the  bowels  of  the 
earth,  and  jumped  it  up  and  down  at  the  risk  of 
dashing  it  to  pieces  against  the  stone  sides,  in  order 
to  fill  it,  and  then  puffed  over  the  heavy  pull  of 
bringing  it,  laden  with  the  cooling  crystal,  to  the  sur- 
face. With  due  reverence  have  I  studied  the  many 
poetical  things  which  have  been  said  in  its  honor; 
but  the  days  of  oaken  buckets  are  numbered ;  they 
have  been   succeeded  by   force-pumps,  and  chain- 


88      Five  AcKES  too  Much. 

pumps,  and  iron  pumps,  that  save  the  muscles,  but 
offend  the  sensibilities. 

Were  it  not  that  I  was  subject  to  the  dominion  of 
several  Irish  maidens,  denominated  servants,  I  should 
certainly  have  sacrificed  utility  to  beauty ;  but,  under 
the  force  of  a  ukase  from  them,  I  was  compelled  to 
buy  a  pump.  Of  the  various  patterns  of  these,  a 
pretty  iron  one  had  taken  my  fancy,  and  no  sooner 
was  the  well  completed  than  it  was  purchased.  Un- 
fortunately, the  entire  village  of  Flushing  was  then 
putting  in  pumps,  and  there  was  no  possibility  of 
liaving  it  set  up  for  two  entire  weeks.  We  had  just 
occupied  the  house  opposite,  which  had  no  well,  and 
we  depended  for  water  upon  our  own. 

Reader,  have  you  ever  hauled  up  water  from  a 
well  in  a  pail  ?  If  you  have  not,  you  should  learn 
to  do  it;  it  requires  skill  and  courage.  You  must 
balance  yourself  carefully  on  a  few  loose  planks, 
and,  peering  down  giddily  into  the  dark  hole  that 
yawns  beneath,  you  must  lower  the  pail  with  a  long 
rope  for  what  seems  an  endless  distance,  and  when 
it  reaches  the  bottom,  will  have  to  jerk  it  about  vig- 
orously, as  it  obstinately  refuses  for  a  long  time  to 
fill ;  and  then  you  must  draw  up  carefully  the  heavy 
weight  that  threatens  to  pull  you  in,  instead  of  your 
pulling  it  out;  and  manage  not  to  let  it  touch  the 


A  Well.  89 

sides,  as  that  will  spill  th^  contents.  All  the  while 
the  slipping  of  board,  or  earth,  or  foot  will  necessi- 
tate the  calling  together  of  a  coroner's  jury. 

It  is  a  pity  that  there  is  no  way  of  falling 'down  a 
well  comfortably.  If  you  go  down  head  foremost, 
your  feet  stick  out  above  the  water,  it  is  true,  but  you 
do  not  breathe  through  that  portion  of  the  body ;  if 
you  strike  feet  foremost,  the  climb  back  is  such  a 
long  and  uncertain  journey;  and  if  you  go  down 
doubled  up,  you  are  apt  to  find  trouble  in  straight- 
ening out.  Every  time  a  maid  went  to  the  well  I 
speculated  as  to  which  of  these  modes  she  would  fol- 
low, and  feared  that  the  case  of  the  broken  pitcher 
would  be  illustrated. 

This  state  of  things  lasted  some  time,  as  the  pump- 
maker  found  his  Flushing  customers  more  exacting 
than  even  he  expected ;  or  possibly  his  workmen  had 
gone  on  more  sprees  than  he  allowed  for.  Three 
weeks  had  gone  by,  and  we  were  still  drawing  wa- 
ter ;  and,  what  is  more,  the  water  which  we  did  with 
such  infinite  pains  draw  up  was  far  from  good.  "We 
had  been  warned  that  for  some  time  after  its  com- 
pletion the  well  would  be  dirty ;  that  before  it  was 
finished  one  or  more  Irishmen  would  have  to  work 
waist  deep  in  the  water,  which  would  not  recover 
from  their  presence  for  a  long  while ;  but,  instead 


90  FiveAcres  TOO   Much. 

of  improving,  it  became  worse  and  worse.  At  first 
it  tasted  badly,  but  it  soon  smelt  imendurably.  There 
was  a  great  deal  of  house-cleaning  and  washing  to 
do,  but  the  women  finally  rebelled,  and  flatly  refused 
to  use  the  odoriferous  stuff  any  longer,  even  for  such 
base  purposes,  and  it  had  been  from  the  first  utterly 
undrinkable. 

Weeville  had  always  boasted  of  the  purity  of  the 
w^ater-bed  that  underlay  this  entire  tract  of  land,  and 
in  his  comparisons  had  placed  it  a  long  way  ahead 
of  the  Croton.  Of  course  he  was  called  in.  ''  It 
was  useless  to  tell  him  any  thing  against  the  water ; 
he  was  not  going  to  believe  any  visionary  stories 
originated  by  Irish  servant-girls — he  must  taste  it." 
This  he  did  not  do,  however;  the  smell  was  enougl. 

"Plieugh!"  he  burst  forth  as  it  aj^proached  his 
nose.  "  I  will  tell  you  what  is  the  matter — the  well 
has  never  been  cleaned  out ;  that  infernal  well-digger 
has  taken  advantage  of  you,  and  left  the  pieces  of 
dirt  and  rubbish  that  fall  in — old  bits  of  dinner,  frag- 
ments of  meat  and  cheese,  perhaps — and  which  must 
always  be  removed,  or  they  will  decay,  and  spoil  the 
water  for  a  long  time." 

I  immediately  went  after  the  well-digger  in  an  in- 
tense state  of  wrath,  and  rated  him  soundly  for  his 
conduct;  but  he   not   only  swore  by  all  that  was 


A  Well.  91 

trutlif  ul  that  he  had  cleaned  ont  the  well,  but  called 
up  the  man  that  did  it.  A  severe  cross-examination 
having  convinced  me  that  they  both  told  the  truth,  I 
returned  home  wondering  how  long  it  would  take 
to  learn  to  like  stinking,  as  the  Mississippi ans  ha\'e 
learned  to  like  dirty,  water.  I  have  always  had  a 
weakness  for  water.  Whisky  is  the  natural  Ameri- 
can drink ;  lager  bier  is  admirably  suited  to  the  Teu- 
tonic mistinesss  of  intellect;  the  frothy  Champagne 
is  adapted  to  the  volatile  Frenchman,  and  the  thick 
ale  to  the  muddled  Englishman.  Brandy  is  suitable 
for  men,  if  we  are  to  believe  high  authority.  Gin,  in 
the  shape  of  schnapps,  was  the  daily  potation  of  our 
respectable  Dutch  ancestors.  Botli  are  irreproach- 
able liquors,  and  rum  deserves  a  better  reputation ; 
but  pure,  cold,  transparent  spring  or  well  w^ater,  fresh 
from  its  bubbling  fountain,  or  drawn  from  the  cold 
recesses  of  its  deep  receptacle,  has  always  been  very 
attractive  to  me,  and  for  wasliing  purposes  it  ha^  no 
equal.  The  prospect,  therefore,  of  doing  without  wa- 
ter was  unpleasant.  Cows,  and  horees,  and  pigs  liave 
not  learned  to  appreciate  strong  drinks ;  they  prefer 
the  native  element ;  and  to  draw  for  half  a  mile  from 
the  nearest  good  pump  as  much  as  a  cow  and  a  horse 
can  swallow  would  require  pretty  nearly  the  entire 
time  of  the  latter. 


92  F  I  V  E     A  C;  R  E  S     TOO     M  U  0  II. 

In  the  midst  of  our  troubles,  the  rope  broke — not 
the  golden  cord,  fortunately,  of  any  member  of  the 
household,  but  the  cord  that  was  fastened  to  the 
pail.  Here  was  a  dilemma !  To  fish  up  a  bucket 
out  of  forty  feet  of  darkness  was  difficult ;  to  use  an- 
other pail  till  the  first  was  removed  was  impossible. 
I  began  to  think  it  would  be  necessary  to  dig  a  new 
well,  when  I  was  informed  that  a  man  could  climb 
down  the  present  one.  This  seemed  to  me  a  feat 
worthy  of  Hanlon;  but  I  was  prepared  for  the  last 
extremities,  even  death  itself — provided  it  w^as  not 
my  own  —  and  simply  said,  "Let  him  do  it,"  as 
though  seeing  men  cling  to  a  slippery  wall  of  stones, 
like  a  fly  on  a  pane  of  glass,  had  been  the  commonest 
experience  of  my  life.  How  he  managed  I  did  not 
care  to  see ;  but  that  he  did  go  to  the  bottom  was 
proved  by  what  he  brought  up,  which  was,  not  the 
pail,  but — a  dead  cat ! 

Cats  are  a  singular  and  unreliable  race ;  they  nev- 
er possess  the  intelligence  of  dogs,  and  are  given  to 
strange  vagaries.  They  roam  about  continually,  and 
wander  no  one  knows  whither ;  but  what  should  take 
a  cat  to  the  bottom  of  my  w^ell  I  can  not  understand. 
They  are  graceful  creatures,  and  old  maids  and  lit- 
tle children  think  them  handsome ;  but,  after  they 
have  been  in  water  for  three  weeks,  and  become 


A  Well. 


93 


much  puffed  up  with  their  position,  tliey  are  not 
handsome.     Still,  I  was  very  glad  to  see  that  cat. 

The  well-water  visibly  improved,  and  the  pump 
was  finally  completed.  To  be  sure,  the  maker  could 
not  spare  time  to  put  it  up,  but  other  men  were 
readily  engaged,  and  one  evening,  on  my  return  from 
tlie  city,  I  found  it  duly  installed  in  its  place,  look- 
ing very  attractive.  It  was  a  neat  and  appropriate 
pump,  and,  remembering  the  inconveniences  and  dan- 


94  Five   Acres   too  Much. 

gers  of  cli'awing  water  with  a  pail,  I  joyfully  seized 
the  handle  and  coinineiiced  to  piiinp.  I  worked 
away  right  manfully  for  a  few  moments,  but  did  not 
manage  to  bring  up  any -water.  When  I  stopped  for 
an  instant,  a  long  sigh  seemed  to  express  the  thing's 
regret  that  it  could  not  accommodate  me,  or  the  suf 
ferings  to  which  my  exertions  put  it.  I  recom- 
menced, and  appeared  to  gain  for  a  little  distance,  to 
judge  by  the  effort  required,  but  at  a  certain  point 
success  deserted  me ;  the  pump  evidently  w^as  not 
equal  to  the  occasion.  I  worked  away  on  that  hot 
August  afternoon  till  the  perspiration  ran  freely,  if 
the  water  did  not ;  and,  when  entirely  convinced,  if 
not  satisfied,  I  indulged  in  as  little  strong  language 
as  the  circumstances  w^ould  admit,  and  sent  for  the 
pump-maker. 

His  bill  had  not  been  paid,  and  he  came  at  once. 
When  informed  of  the  difficulty,  he  seized  the  pump- 
handle  with  amusing  alacrity,  but  a  few  strokes 
changed  his  confidence  to  doubt.  When  he  paused, 
the  same  appalling  sigh  that  had  greeted  me  an- 
nounced a  similar  result,  and  I  smiled  amid  my  mis- 
ery to  see  his  manner  change  as  he  recommenced. 
After  two  or  three  attempts,  he  stopped  suddenly 
and  inquired, 

"  How  deep  is  your  well  f 


A  Well.  95 

He  was  not  going  to  get  off  by  any  subterfuge  if  I 
could  help  it,  so  I  answered  pi-omptly, 

"  Never  mind  that ;  the  well  is  deep  enough." 

"  But  what  is  the  depth  ?    It  is  essential  to  know," 

"  Don't  worry  yourself  about  that  now ;  fix  your 
pump  first,"  was  the  ready  i-esponse. 

"  I  can  not  do  so  till  1  know  the  depth  of  the 
well." 

"  Well,  then,  if  you  are  so  anxious  to  be  informed, 
it  is  forty-five  feet  deep — deep  enough,  in  all  con- 
science." 

"  That  is  the  trouble,  of  course ;  the  pump  won't 
suck." 

"  Of  course  it  is,  that  is  plain  enough ;  and  I  ex- 
pect you  to  give  me  one  that  will  suck." 

"  But  how  can  1  V 

"  That  is  your  affair,  not  mine,"  beginning  to  be 
put  out  at  the  coolness  of  the  fellow.  "  1  want  a 
pump  that  will  suck  !"  t : 

"  Why,"  he  replied, "  don't  you  know  that  no  pump 
will  draw  at  over  thirty  feet  ?" 

Suddenly  the  remembrance  of  school-days  and 
their  instruction  came  back  to  me ;  a  vacuum  and  its 
properties,  the  weight  of  a  column  of  air,  and  all 
that,  returned  to  my  mind  after  a  long  absence.  I 
recalled  the  rule  of  fifteen  pounds  to  a  square  Inch, 


96 


Five  Acres    too   Much. 


the  power  of  suction — which  for  many  years  I  had 
only  tested  with  a  straw  and  a  julep — and  the  com- 
parative specific  gravity  of  water.  Early  education 
is  a  good  thing,  and  the  natural  sciences  are  almost 
as  practical  as  the  learned  classics.  Without  a  re- 
mark, I  left  that  pump-maker  and  his  pump,  and  re- 
tired to  the  cool  privacy  of  my  neighboring  dwelling. 
A  wooden  pump  with  a  long  rod  is  in  my  well,  and 
it  not  only  sucks,  but  lifts ;  the  water  is  very  fine. 


A    K  I  T  C  II  E  N     G  A  li  D  E  N.  97 


CHAPTER  VI. 

A  KITCHEN  GARDEN. 

^^O  the  full  enjoyment  of  a  country  house,  tliere 
-^  are  few  things  more  conducive  than  a  large, 
well-filled  kitchen  garden.  The  farmers  generally, 
with  a  wrong-headedness  that  is  incomprehensible, 
neglect  one  of  the  most  important  sources  of  supply 
for  the  table ;  they  devote  themselves  to  the  lieavy 
crops — the  staples  of  agriculture — that  are  scattered 
through  the  fields,  and  overlook  the  vast  additional 
amount  of  food  that  may  be  concentrated  in  an  acre. 
They  condemn  themselves  to  the  everlasting  routine 
of  bread,  potatoes,  and  salt  meat,  forgetting  that  the 
labor  of  a  few  hours  occasionally  of  themselves  or 
their  children  in  the  garden  would  furnish  an  agree- 
able, healthy,  and  nutritive  variety  of  edibles.  This, 
being  a  matter  of  dollars  and  cents  as  w^ell  as  health, 
merited  the  closest  attention  from  so  practical  a  per- 
son as  myself,  and  was  taken  in  hand  promptly,  and 
the  account  of  my  success  carries  m^  ^ack  a  little 
in  matter  of  time. 

E 


98      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

It  was  late  in  April  when  the  contract  was  c\^Be<l 
for  the  building  of  the  country  house,  and  it  was  es- 
sential to  prepare  and  plant  the  kitchen  garden  im- 
mediately. My  ideas  on  the  subject  were  vague.  I 
knew  what  I  wanted,  but  had  not  an  accurate  con- 
ception how  those  wants  were  to  be  converted  into 
realities.  I  nmst  have  a  choice,  yet  ample  supply. 
Fresh  asparagus  is  so  delicate,  fresh  peas  so  tender, 
fresh  lettuce  so  crisp,  cauliflower  so  immaculate,  cab- 
bages so  rich,  beets  so  racy,  and  every  other  vegeta- 
ble so  much  better  when  just  pulled.  There  should 
be  a  plenteous  variety,  from  the  humble  radish  up 
to  the  aristocratic  egg-plant — through  all  the  range 
of  carrots,  turnips,  celery,  spinach,  and  cucumbers — 
every  thing  that  creeps,  climbs,  or  stands — but,  above 
all,  must  there  be  a  grand,  deep,  rich  bed  of  aspara- 
gus, with  lieads  as  big  as  your  thumb.  The  fruits, 
too,  should  not  be  forgotten  :  blackberries,  gooseber- 
ries, raspberries,  and  especially  strawberries;  pears, 
plums,  and  apples — dwarfs  and  standards ;  currants, 
grapes,  and  quinces ;  the  numberless  productions  of 
the  earth  that  wise  men  eat  before  breakfast  or  after 
dinner.  With  these  numerous  necessaries,  it  was  ap- 
parent that  the  planting  must  be  done  at  once  if 
it  was  to  produce  a  satisfactory  result  this  year. 
But,  before  striking  a  spade,  it  w^as  necessary  to  lay 


A  Kitchen   Garden.  99 

out  tlie  ground,  and  here,  although  the  undertaking 
was  different  from  planning  a  house,  my  natural 
abilities  stood  me  in  good  stead.  After  much  study, 
the  plot  was  divided  into  beds  of  about  five  feet 
width,  so  that  the  plants  could  be  plucked  without 
treading  on  them;  I  laid  out  broad  walks  at  right 
angles  to  one  another,  like  grand  avenues,  to  be 
shaded  by  the  future  pear  and  apple  trees,  and  in 
my  mind  determined  to  cover  them  witli  pure,  white, 
salt-water  pebbles.  I  left  a  narrow  border  along  the 
outer  edge  for  cm-rant  and  raspberry  bushes,  marked 
places  for  the  fruit-trees  every  fifteen  feet,  and  de- 
voted one  bed  to  strawberries,  another  to  tomatoes, 
a  third  to  sweet  corn,  and  so  on.  I  noticed  that 
there  seemed  to  be  about  as  much  walk  as  bed,  but 
this  I  had  been  accustomed  to  in  flower  gardens  in 
the  city,  and  thought  produced  a  pleasing  effect. 

Before  tliese  dispositions  were  determined  on,  the 
grass  had  grown  considerably,  tlie  spring  being  early, 
and  to  get  rid  of  it,  as  "Bridgeman's  Assistant," 
which,  with  "  Ten  Acres  Enough,"  was  my  constant 
companion,  contained  no  directions  to  meet  tlie  case, 
the  advice  of  Weeville  was  called  for.  He  said  the 
land  must  be  plowed,  harrowed,  and  well  dug  over, 
ana  asked  where  the  kitchen  garden  was  to  be  placed. 
1.V  was  with  no  little  satisfaction  that  I  produced  my 


100  Five  Acres    too   Much. 

plans,  anticipating  liis  surprise  and  pleasure,  and  laid 
them  proudly  before  him.  He  gazed  a  moment,  and 
exclaimed, "  What  is  all  this  T  Kot  a  little  amused 
with  his  perplexity,  I  explained  the  design,  and  point- 
ed out  its  advantages.  He  kept  his  eyes  on  it  in  a 
dazed  sort  of  way,  and  then  blurted  out, "  You  have 
twice  as  much  w^alk  as  you  have  bed." 

"Not  quite — not  quite,"'  I  responded;  "but  still 
that  is  quite  a  feature ;  they  will  be  attractive,  cov- 
ered with  white  gravel." 

"  White  gravel !  What  is  that  for  ?"  he  exclaimed. 
"  T^onsense ;  your  walks  will  be  overrun  with  weeds, 
and  you  will  have  enough  to  do  to  keep  them  out  of 
your  beds.  I'll  fix  your  garden  for  you,  now  1  know 
where  you  want  it." 

Before  I  could  protest,  he  rushed  aw^ay,  taking  my 
plans  w^ith  him,  as  though  they  were  of  no  value 
whatever,  with  that  wretched  conceit  which  charac- 
terizes your  practical  man,  not  even  waiting  to  hear 
a  full  explanation  of  my  views,  and  evidently  not  ap- 
preciating them.  He  set  his  men  to  work  next  day 
without  so  much  as  consulting  me. 

Leaving  Weeville's  men  hard  at  work  with  plow 
and  liarrow  over  the  practical  portion  of  the  under- 
taking, I  set  to  work  with  "  Bridgeman's  Assistant," 
and  soon  learned  how  to  trench  and  make  drills — 


A  Kitchen   Garden.  101 

which,  to  my  great  astonishiiiciit,  proved  not  to  l)e 
holes — and  became  acquainted  with  the  uses  of  the 
various  garden  implements.  The  quality  and  nature 
of  the  soil  was  quite  a  puzzle ;  but,  as  it  had  been 
ascertained  by  sinking  the  well  that  the  upper  six 
feet  was  a  stiff,  clayey  substance,  and  beneath  there 
was  a  pure  stratum  of  sand,  there  could  be  little 
doubt  but  it  must  be  a  loam,  which  is  described  as  a 
mixture  of  clay  and  sand.  It  w^as  a  fine,  strong  yel- 
low, and  my  general  impression  w^as  that  loam  is 
dark ;  but  of  its  depth  there  could  be  no  question, 
as  the  well-diggers  went  down  forty-five  feet  before 
they  reached  water,  and  encountered  no  rock  what- 
ever. 

There  were  many  surprising  statements  in  "Bridge- 
man's  Assistant."  It  would  seem  natural  that  seeds, 
especially  of  radishes,  beets,  or  carrots,  should  be 
planted  at  least  a  foot  deep,  so  that  the  root  might 
be  long ;  but  the  author  insisted  that  they  should  be 
covered  with  only  two  inches  of  earth.  Unfortu- 
nately, however,  as  my  investigations  proceeded,  some 
pleasing  illusions  were  dissipated ;  one  vegetable  after 
another  had  to  be  given  up,  for  the  entire  kingdom 
seemed  to  be  governed  by  the  most  absurd  laws ;  and 
when  it  was  ascertained  that  strawberries  would  not 
bear  the  first  season,  and  that  asparagus  might  pro- 


J 02  Five   Acrp:s   too   Much. 

(luce  lieads  in  the  course  of  tliree  years,  I  was  in  de- 
spair. Weeville,  however,  who  confirmed  these  dole- 
ful discoveries,  came  to  my  rescue  by  inquiring  in  an 
enthusiastic  way  w^hether  I  had  ever  eaten  a  Daniel 
O'Rourke  pea.  I  replied  that  doubtless  I  had,  as  I 
paid  the  highest  price  in  market.  . 

"  Oh,  pshaw !"  he  answered, "  tlicy  are  never  sol  I  m 
market ;  wait  till  you  eat  a  Daniel  O'Eourke  pea,  and 
then  you  can  say  you  know  what  peas  are.  There  are 
plenty  of  vegetables  that  you  will  be  in  time  to  plant; 
the  ground  is  plowed  and  harrowed,  and  the  Irish- 
man is  digging  out  the  sods.  A  hard  time  he  is  hav- 
ing of  it ;  the  grass  got  up  too  high,  and  he  has  to 
break  them  up  and  shake  each  one  out  with  a  pitch- 
fork. No  person  should  live  in  the  country  w^ithout 
a  garden ;  mine  is  the  greatest  comfort  I  have,  and 
saves  nearly  half  the  expense  of  living." 

So,  it  being  clearly  an  economy,  my  investigations 
w^ere  pursued  diligently.  A  long  list  of  the  best  veg- 
etables still  attainable  was  selected,  consisting  of  eariy 
Mohawk  and  Lima  beans,  blood  turnip-rooted  beets, 
long  orange  carrots,  long  green  cucumbers,  sweet 
corn,  large  green-head  lettuce,  silver-skinned  onions, 
Dutch  parsnips,  and  Daniel  O'Rourke  peas,  and  pur- 
chased at  the  seed-store  for  tlie  moderate  sum  of  lonr 
dollars  and  fifty  cents,  according  to  the  particular  en- 


A  Kitchen   (  t  a  r  d  e  n.  103 

try  made  in  my  memorandum-book  at  tlie  time.  Tlie 
necessary  tools,  such  as  wlieel-l)arro\vs,  spades,  hoes, 
drills,  cultivators,  etc.,  were  added,  but  the  charge  for 
these  seems  to  have  been  omitted ;  and  when  Weeville 
reported  that  the  first  planting — two  rows  of  Daniel 
O'Eourke  peas — had  been  completed,  I  invited  a 
couple  of  friends  to  ride  over  on  horseback  to  see 
my  country  place,  for  I  was  still  living  in  the  city. 
The  house  was  then  in  its  foundation  state,  but  the 
garden  would  be  well  worth  a  visit. 

It  is  a  beautiful  ride  to  Flushing.  An  intelligent 
man,  named  Jackson,  has  built  an  excellent  turnpike 
— almost  the  only  one  in  our  country — and,  with  jus- 
tifiable pride,  has  called  it  after  himself.  The  scen- 
ery is  diversified  with  hill  and  dale,  with  fertile  fields 
and  dense  woods,  and,  before  reaching  the  village,  the 
highway  skirts  the  bay,  and  presents  a  clear  view  for 
some  distance  up  the  Sound.  We  clattered  along 
past  the  bridge  and  through  the  village  out  to  the 
five -acre  plot.  There  it  lay,  bare  and  charming, 
without  a  fence,  almost  without  a  tree ;  the  house 
scattered  in  every  direction ;  the  foundation  going 
up  and  the  well  going  down ;  heaps  of  sand  collect- 
ed here  and  there,  and  a  platform  for  mixing  mortar 
directly  where  the  fiowei-s  ouglit  to  be;  but  where 
was  the  garden  ?    We  rode  in  every  direction,  and  a>. 


104  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

last  made  out  that  a  little  bare  spot  wliicli  we  had 
been  over,  forward  and  back,  several  times,  and 
which  was  about  twelve  feet  long  by  three  wide, 
must  be  it.  We  did  not  dismount,  but,  consoling 
ourselves  with  the  idea  that  the  earth  had  been  well 
stirred  with  our  horses'  hoofs — for  stirrine:  the  earth 
is  essential  to  a  productive  condition,  as  Bridgeman 
says — we  returned  to  the  city. 

Next  day  Weeville  w^ent  to  oversee  the  Irishman, 
who  w^as  hard  at  work  struggling  to  subdue  the  sods 
on  another  tw^elve  feet  by  three,  and  was  surprised 
to  find  many  of  the  peas  out  of  the  ground.  He  took 
a  hoe  and  replanted  them,  treading  them  down  so  as 
to  keep  them  under  for  the  future ;  and,  having  done 
this  with  a  dozen  or  more,  turned  to  Patrick,  and  told 
•him  that  he  must  be  more  careful  hereafter,  and  must 
cover  the  peas  well  with  earth. 

"  Sure  and  I  am  sorely  puzzled,  sir,"  replied  Pat- 
rick ;  "  I  have  been  all  the  morning  poking  the  pays 
back  under  the  earth.  Pve  been  thinking  there  nnist 
have  been  somebody  over  it,  for  they  were  all  out  of 
the  ground  intirely." 

Considering  that  three  horses  had  been  trampling 
back  and  forth  over  the  bed  the  night  before,  Patrick 
was  about  right.  But  he  liad  other  difficulties  to 
contend  with  more  formidable  tlian  horses'  hoofs. 


A  Kitchen   (tarden.  105 

The  sod  was  strong,  not  having  been  disturbed  for 
years,  and  it  was  many  days  before  there  was  any 
thing  resembling  regular  beds.  In  time,  however, 
tlie  peas  appeared  above  ground ;  egg-plants  were 
transplanted ;  beans  crept  up,  and  demanded  poles  to 
climb  on  ;  queer-looking,  weedy  affairs,  that  Weeville 
designated  cauliliowers  or  tomatoes,  as  he  pleased, 
made  themselves  conspicuous,  and  the  success  of  the 
undertaking  seemed  assured  —  when  one  morning 
Pat  rushed  up  to  Weeville's  place,  and,  witli  staring 
eyes,  announced  that  the  cows  had  grazed  off  all  the 
peas. 

Any  animal  that  entered  that  plot  of  ground  ap- 
peared instinctively  to  know"  where  the  garden  was, 
although  better-endowed  creatures  might  have  trouble 
to  find  it,  and  either  wanted  to  rest  or  pasture  there, 
or  at  least  to  run  over  it.  But  w^hen  they  proceeded 
to  graze  on  the  peas,  it  became  serious,  and  upon  Pat's 
announcing,  tlie  follow^ing  week,  that  they  had  been 
at  it  again,  Weeville  called  upon  me  to  say  that  there 
must  be  a  fence  round  the  lot,  or  he  would  not  an- 
swer for  the  garden.  Pat  was  set  to  work  at  once 
building  fence. 

Since  the  days  of  the  Tower  of  Babel,  w^hen  tlie 
world  was  divided  up  into  tribes,  tlie  nations  have 
been  distinguished  by  i)eculiar  aptitudes.  The  En- 
E2 


106  Five   Acrp:s    too   Much. 

glish  nation  has  a  gift  for  building  pirate  ships,  the 
French  for  fashioning  new  dresses,  the  Chinese  for 
growing  pig-tails  and  cutting  off  heads,  the  Russians 
for  eating  candles,  the  Turks  for  stealing  wives,  the 
Americans  for  doing  a  little  of  every  thing,  and  the 
Irish  for  digging  holes.  Pat  never  could  learn  to 
use  a  saw  or  an  axe,  or  even  to  drive  a  nail  without 
splitting  the  w^ood,  but  he  could  dig  against  the  world. 
He  proceeded  at  once  to  make  the  holes  for  the  posts 
of  the  fence. 

While  he  was  thus  occupied,  however,  the  garden 
was  neglected,  and  as  he  could  not  by  any  possibili- 
ty keep  the  holes  in  a  line,  and  consequently  wasted 
much  time,  the  w^eeds  grew  apace.  It  requires  a 
great  many  boards  to  reach  round  five  acres,  and  the 
holes  for  the  posts  had  to  be  very  numerous.  The 
cows,  having  discovered  the  superior  qualities  of 
Daniel  O'Rourke  peas,  paid  them  regular  visits,  and 
kept  them  well  cropped,  so  that  the  garden  fared 
badly.  Pat  dug  so  many  holes,  in  consequence  of 
making  them  either  out  of  line  or  at  an  improper 
distance,  that  he  might  almost  be  said  to  have  trench- 
ed the  lot ;  and  by  the  time  he  was  through,  and  be- 
fore the  posts  w^ere  all  up,  or  the  fence  more  than 
half  finished,  it  was  time  to  cut  the  grass. 

This  was  a  season  of  scarcity  of  labor.     The  high 


A  Kitchen   Garden.  107 

prices  had  satisfied  the  working-men  tliat  their  time 
was  too  vahiable  to  waste  on  every  menial  kind  of 
drudgery,  and  they  were  particular,  not  only  in  se- 
lecting their  masters,  but  their  employment ;  so  that 
Pat  had  to  be  the  main  reliance,  with  the  occasional 
aid  of  a  half -grown  boy,  to  take  hold  of  all  the  "  odd 
jobs"  required  by  a  country  place.  lie  not  only 
planted  the  garden,  and  built  the  fence,  and  helj^ed 
in  the  house,  and  dug  in  the  well,  but  he  must  mow 
the  grass  and  milk  the  cow.  In  fact,  if  there  was 
any  thing  that  nobody  else  could  or  would  do,  Pat 
was  called  upon. 

The  grass  was  very  fine.  A  handsome  flower,  with 
rich  yellow  centre,  surrounded  by  a  single  w^hite  row 
of  radiating  petals,  called  a  daisy — the  lovely  flower 
celebrated  so  frequently  in  English  poetry,  and  the 
apt  simile  for  all  that  is  virtuous  and  innocent — had 
grown  to  great  luxuriance,  proving  the  uncommon 
richness  of  the  soil.  Its  stalk  was  a  foot  long,  and 
the  pretty  floweret  topped  the  grass,  and  by  its  vast 
numbers  lent  a  uniform  tone  of  color  to  the  entire 
lot.  There  seemed  to  be  almost  as  much  daisy  as 
there  was  grass,  which  was  what  the  natives  called 
"  switch  grass,"  and  they  were  both  knee-high.  This 
crop  was  especially  thick  and  heavy  on  the  upper 
portion  of  the  i)lot,  as  the  carts  and  wagons  had  been 


108  Five  Ackks   too   Much. 

in  the  lialjit,  entirely  regardless  of  the  enormous  dam- 
ages they  occasioned,  of  driving  over  the  lower  end, 
and  the  cattle  of  the  neighborhood  had  grazed  it  pret- 
ty thoroughly.  There  was,  consequently,  only  about 
an  acre  and  a  half  left  to  mow,  and  Pat,  with  the  aid 
of  the  boy,  had  that  done  in  a  day  or  two. 

In  my  youthful  days,  often  "  of  a  summer  day"  1 
had  "  raked  the  meadow,  sweet  with  hay,"  and  conse- 
quently had  learned  the  importance  of  sun  in  hay- 
making. Unfortunately,  no  sooner  was  the  hay  cut 
and  scattered  about  than  there  came  on  the  heaviest 
rain  of  the  season ;  it  was  a  veritable  northeaster, 
and  lasted  four  or  five  days.  The  barn,  which  was 
expected  to  hold  the  crop,  existed  as  yet  only  in  an- 
ticipation ;  and  when  the  hay  did  finally  dry,  it  had 
to  be  collected  in  a  pile,  which  Weeville  called  a 
stack,  and  left  to  the  mercy  of  the  elements.  How- 
ever, the  labor  cost  only  about  seven  dollars,  and  I 
was  offered  seventeen  dollars  for  tlie  stack,  so  that 
there  was  a  clear  profit  of  ten  dollars.  This  was  so 
encouraging  that  I  felt  almost  inclined  to  lay  down 
the  entire  five  acres  in  grass,  until  I  remembered 
that  if  an  acre  and  a  half  produced  ten  dollars,  five 
acres  would  only  yield  about  thirty -five  dollars — 
hardly  sufiicient  interest  on  property  valued  at  ten 
thousand  dollars. 


A   K I T  c  II K  N   Garden.  109 

When  the  hay  was  stacked,  and  one  board  nailed 
on  the  fence  so  that  the  cattle  could  no  longer  wan- 
der wheresoever  they  listed,  a  careful  examination  of 
the  garden  gave  the  following  result :  Weeds  profuse 
and  luxuriant ;  vegetables  scarce  and  sickly ;  peas 
about  six  inches  high,  well  cropped,  without  flowers 
or  pods ;  tomato -plants  small,  and  well  shaded  by  the 
surrounding  weeds ;  egg-plaiits  entirely  invisible,  hav- 
ing probably  gone  back  into  tlie  egg  in  disgust ;  bean- 
poles tall  and  vigorous,  beans  about  one  foot  high, 
being  nearly  up  with  the  neighboring  grass,  and  ap- 
parently unable  to  climb  any  higher.  The  other 
garden-truck  was  not  to  be  found,  and  it  required 
great  discernment  to  distinguish  the  garden  from  the 
residue  of  tlie  five  acres.  Weeville  said  it  was  no 
matter,  after  all,  as  he  could  supply  me  with  what- 
ever I  wanted  from  his  garden,  and  that  it  was  al- 
ways cheaper  to  buy  vegetables  than  to  raise  them ! 

My  glorious  anticipations  had  dwindled  ;  aspara- 
gus, cabbages,  beets,  strawberries,  raspberries,  pears, 
and  plums  had  been  given  up ;  and  now  the  hope  of 
peas,  beans,  tomatoes,  lettuce,  and  egg-plants  was  to 
be  destroyed.  That  garden  on  which  I  counted  so 
greatly — which  was  to  have  furnished  not  merely 
cheap  food  for  my  family,  but  subject  for  exultation 
over  city  friends  —  had  proved  a  failure.  Daniel 
O'Kourke  peas  were  not  to  be ;  crisp  lettuce  could 


110  Five   Acres   too   Much. 

not  be  dressed  in  that  style  of  art  upon  which  I  pride 
myself,  and  handed  exultingly  round  to  friends  after 
the  woodcock  and  claret,  as  so  much  superior  to  the 
stale,  insipid  stuff  purchased  in  the  markets.  Egg- 
plants, richest  of  vegetables,  were  not  to  be  pressed 
upon  the  surfeited  guest  as  coming  from  my  garden. 
Beans  had  proved  a  delusion,  and  tomato -vines  a 
snare.  All  my  study  of  horticultural  works  was  to 
be  thrown  away. 

It  is  true,  we  had  raised  an  egg-plant,  but  it  was 
small — so  small  that  we  thought  of  sending  it  to  the 
agricultural  fair  as  a  rare  production :  it  measured 
one  inch  and  a  half  in  circumference.  We  also 
raised  one  tomato,  but  a  careless  wretch  trod  on  it, 
and  crushed  it  and  our  hopes  together.  There  was 
a  fine  lot  of  wild  radish,  which  my  friends  pro- 
nounced to  be  w^eeds,  although  I  had  hopes  for  a 
time  that  a  few  of  them  would  become  tame.  I  was 
disappointed,  however :  they  covered  the  new  beds,  as 
fast  as  these  were  cleared  and  dug,  with  a  luxuriant 
clothing  of  bright  green,  and  their  leaves  were  pretty 
and  graceful,  but  their  roots  never  would  come  to 
any  thing  worth  mentioning.  It  is  deeply  to  be  re- 
gretted that  Nature  has  so  constituted  plants  and 
w^eeds  respectively,  that  the  former  won't  grow"  and 
the  latter  will.  I  did  not  eat  a  Daniel  O'Rourke  pea 
after  ail. 


The   Flowek   Garden.  Ill 


CHAPTER  VII. 

THE     FLOWER     GARDEN. 

^T^HE  results  of  the  effort  to  produce  a  kitchen 
-^  garden  out  of  the  raw  material  of  virgin  sod 
was  discussed  in  the  last  chapter.  When  it  was  well 
under  way,  and  after  Weeville  had,  in  his  authorita- 
tive manner,  taken  it  off  my  hands,  I  turned  my  at- 
tention to  the  flower  garden.  Of  this  I  determined 
to  take  entire  charge.  I  had  not  studied  Bridgeman 
for  weeks,  nor  peered  into  seedsmen's  windows,  and 
examined  the  peculiarities  of  all  the  plants  that  fell 
in  my  way,  for  nothing.  Weeville  might  superin- 
tend the  coarse  vegetables  if  he  pleased,  but  the  del- 
icate and  elegant  parterre  of  flowers  that  already  ex- 
isted in  my  mind's  eye  was  to  be  my  credit  and  re- 
sponsibility alone. 

It  was  some  time  before  I  could  induce  the  masons 
to  remove  the  platform  for  mortar  that  they  had,  with 
instinctive  stupidity,  placed  in  the  centre  of  what  was 
to  be  my  principal  bed ;  but  1  got  them  off  at  last,  al- 


112     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

though  they  grumbled  somewhat  at  being  compelled 
to  carry  tlieir  loads  a  considerably  longer  distance. 
I  had  already  marked  out  the  general  plan  on  paper 
with  that  skill  which  has  been  occasionally  referred 
to ;  the  main  idea  was  taken  from  a  Chinese  puzzle, 
and  had  no  equal  in  the  most  complicated  produc- 
tions of  the  ablest  masters  of  landscape  gardening, 
ancient  or  modern. 

It  is  well  known  that,  according  to  the  highest 
standard  of  the  art,  the  great  point  in  laying  out  a 
garden  is  to  avoid  the  monotony  of  tame  regularity ; 
and  in  that  line  little  more  could  be  donCo  There 
were  beds  shaped  like  stars  and  ellipses,  worms  and 
circles,  triangles  and  octagons ;  some  were  round  on 
one  side  and  flat  on  the  other ;  some  had  big  heads 
and  little  tails,  and  others  diminished  to  nothing  at 
each  end ;  there  were  sinuosities  and  projections, 
sharp  points  and  easy  curves,  imitation  bays  and 
promontories ;  large  beds  suddenly  contracted,  nar- 
row ones  expanded ;  what  promised  to  be  a  long 
stretch  was  broken  off  unexpectedly,  and  there  cer- 
tainly was  no  danger  of  monotony.  Amid  these 
wound  the  paths  in  the  most  admired  irregularity, 
never  leading  where  one  would  naturally  expect, 
and  giving  the  mind  a  vivid  impression  of  the  laby- 
rinth. 


The    Flower    Garden.  113 

The  arrangement  of  the  beds  on  paper  was  not  dif- 
ficult, but  to  trace  them  on  the  natural  sod  was  an- 
other matter.  This  could  not  be  intrusted  to  a  com- 
mon workman ;  one,  to  whom  the  plan  was  shown, 
insisted  upon  mistaking  the  walks  for  beds,  and  even 
proposed  some  alterations,  which  he  called  improve- 
ments. Somehow,  I  never  was  very  good  at  the  prac- 
tical part  of  a  design.  Moreover,  the  weather  had 
been  dry,  for  this  point  had  been  reached  toward  the 
close  of  one  of  the  rainless  terms  that  alternated  with 
the  floods  of  this  particular  season.  The  ground  was 
hard,  the  sun  was  hot,  and  my  experience  with  a  shov- 
el— spade  my  man  called  it — had  been  limited  ;  but 
the  difficulty  had  to  be  overcome,  regardless  of  pre- 
vious habits,  and,  grasping  the  shovel  bravely,  I  set 
to  work  at  once. 

The  centre  bed  was  a  circle,  and,  by  driving  a 
stake  in  the  ground,  and  attaching  to  it  a  string, 
there  was  no  difficulty  in  making  a  faint  impression 
of  the  outline  on  the  grass.  This  outline  I  deepened 
into  a  shallow  furrow  with  my  spade,  although  my 
arms  and  back  ached,  and  my  clothes  were  damp 
with  perspiration  before  I  had  finished.  The  next 
figure,  which  was  a  star,  was  not  so  easy ;  and  when 
it  came  to  the  worms,  and  the  bays,  and  promonto- 
ries, there  bid  fair  to  be  far  too  little  monotony.     In 


il4  Five   Acres   too   Much. 

fact,  the  figures  would  not  take  the  shapes  they  as- 
sumed on  paper,  and  the  more  they  were  worked  at 
the  worse  they  grew.  If  they  were  narrowed,  they 
became  immediately  too  long ;  if  they  were  length- 
ened, they  had  to  be  widened ;  if  one  part  was  taken 
off,  another  portion  immediately  bulged  out;  bays 
were  either  too  deep  or  too  shallow,  promontories  ei- 
ther stretched  entirely  across  the  adjoining  walk  or 
disappeared  utterly.  The  walks  were  continually  be- 
ing squeezed  into  a  strait  that  would  not  by  any  pos- 
sibility admit  the  passage  of  modern  crinoline,  or 
spread  out  into  a  sort  of  desert  waste.  The  truth  is, 
such  vulgar  trivialities  as  are  implied  in  practical 
performance  are  not  suited  to  the  intellectual  mind. 
After  working  the  plan  several  weeks,  nearly  killing 
myself,  and  sadly  confusing  the  man  I  had  hired  for 
this  express  matter,  I  concluded  to  let  him  finish  it 
alone.  It  is  a  matter  of  pride,  however,  that,  in  spite 
of  some  sad  blunders  through  his  ignorance,  it  still 
bears  palpable  traces  of  the  original  design,  and  en- 
tirely avoids  the  fatal  fault  of  monotony. 

While  the  man  was  completing  the  physical  part, 
there  was  an  excellent  opportunity  to  select  the  best 
flowers  that  were  to  be  procured.  The  study  of  bot- 
any is  not  a  branch  of  the  legal  profession,  nor  even 
included  in  the  limits  of  a  classical  education ;  but, 


The    Flo  w  e  r    G  a  r  d  e  n.  115 

furtuiiately,  there  is  no  necessity  for  knowing  scien- 
tifically why  the  rose  is  red  and  tlie  lily  white  pro- 
vided one  has  the  innate  appreciation  to  enjoy  the 
beauty  of  each.  Perhaps  it  is  desirable  to  be  able 
to  distingnish  the  plants  when  not  in  flower,  but  that 
is  not  absolutely  necessary  provided  "  Bridgeinan"  is 
always  at  hand. 

The  amount  of  information  in  this  work  is  as  in- 
exhaustible as  it  is  surprising.  Under  the  author's 
manipulation,  plants  assume  a  fresh  nature  and  ex- 
hibit new  attractions ;  the  most  vulgar  flower  comes 
back  decked  in  an  aristocratic  dress,  and  endowed 
with  a  name  that  is  absolutely  imposing.  The  com- 
mon hollyhock — that  vulgar,  base,  staring,  and  offen- 
sive flower — is  suddenly  converted  into  the  delicate 
and  reflned  althea ;  the  larkspur  becomes  a  delphini- 
um ;  the  old-fashioned  Jolnmy-jump-up,  a  viola  gran- 
diflora ;  the  commonplace  poppy,  a  papa\er ;  and 
the  gaudy  sunflower  is  transformed  into  the  magiiif- 
icent  helianthus.  The  human  mind  is  hardly  pre- 
pared to  accept  gomphrenas  for  batchelors'  buttons, 
and  revolts  from  the  association  of  the  suicirestive 
mirabilis  with  the  commonplace  four  o'clocks.  The 
kingdom  of  flowers,  as  it  is  usually  called,  becomes  a 
model  rei)ublic ;  the  low  and  ignai'ant  are  elevated  ; 
the  humble  dweller  in  the  hedii:e-row  is  raised  to  a 


116  Five   Acres    too    Mitch. 

place  beside  the  tender  production  of  the  green- 
house ;  and  the  refined  liabitue  of  the  ballroom  is 
found  to  be  twin  sister  to  the  wild  inhabitant  of  the 
open  field  or  native  forest. 

After  some  thought  and  careful  consultation  with 
the  price-lists  of  all  the  seed-stores  in  the  city,  lest 
the  utmost  advantage  should  not  be  taken  of  the 
market,  a  list  including  the  following  principal  vari- 
eties was  selected:  roses,  pinks,  carnations,  lilies, 
fleur-de-lys,  jasmines,  peonies,  verbenas,  daisies,  fuch- 
sias, heliotropes,  tulips,  dahlias,  crocuses,  tube-roses, 
forget-me-nots,  jonquils,  wall -flowers,  gillyflowers, 
mignonnette,  fox -gloves,  and  china  -  asters.  There 
were  many  others,  but  this*  selection  is  sufficient  to 
show  that  the  garden  was  to  be  well  stocked.  It  is 
to  be  regretted  that  midsummer  is  not  the  most  ap- 
propriate time  to  plant  flowers,  and  that  many  of 
them  require  to  be  set  out  in  earliest  spring,  or 
even  the  year  before  they  are  expected  to  blossom. 
Drought  is  especially  unfavorable  to  the  sowing  of 
seeds  or  transplanting  of  roots,  and  the  drought  tliat 
had  already  begun  to  distinguish  this  midsummer 
positively  forbade  immediate  action. 

It  is  my  impression  that  in  early  youth  I  remem- 
ber reading  of  an  ancient  Roman  wlio,  having  lost  a 
valuable  ring  overboard  at  sea,  subsequently  caught 


The   Flowkr    Garden.  117 

the  fish  that  liad  swallowed  the  ring.  On  recovering 
his  property,  he  raised  his  eyes  toward  heaven,  won- 
dering what  terrible  calamity  the  gods  had  in  store 
for  him  to  equalize  such  good  forture.  If  there  is 
no  such  story  there  ought  to  be,  for  nature  is  cer- 
tainly made  up  of  compensations.  If  a  woman  is 
rich  she  is  rarely  handsome ;  if  a  man  is  handsome 
he  is  not  apt  to  be  wise ;  if  we  are  extremely  fortu- 
nate we  may  expect  a  reveree ;  one  misfortune  wards 
off  another ;  if  w^e  lose  a  leg  in  battle  we  are  likely 
to  save  our  head ;  the  old  motto  says, "  Lucky  in  love, 
unlucky  in  play ;"  and  if  it  rains  in  spring,  it  is  apt  to 
be  dry  weather  in  summer.  It  had  rained  all  through 
the  spring  as  though  the  flood-gates  of  heaven  never 
Avere  to  be  closed,  but  -when  they  were  finally  shut 
down  they  fitted  so  well  that  scarcely  a  drop  trickled 
through  the  cracks.  May  was  a  deluge ;  July  was  a 
drought.  All  authorities  coincide  in  holding  that 
seeds  must  be  planted  before  or  immediately  after  a 
rain,  but  they  give  no  directions  how  to  produce  a 
rain  if  it  does  not  come  naturally.  It  was  in  vain 
that  I  waited  for  even  a  shower — in  vain  that  I  scan- 
ned the  sky  at  sunrise  or  sunset,  watched  the  wind,  or 
consulted  the  weather-wise.  Clouds  ceased  to  be  the 
harbingers  of  rain ;  a  threatening  sunset  only  insured 
a  cloudless  morrow ;  an  easterly  wind  was  positive 


118     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

evidence  of  clear  weather,  and  the  sky  was  as  bkie 
as  my  feelings. 

The  time  for  planting  one  species  after  another  of 
seed  or  root  passed  by.  July  came  and  went,  August 
arrived  and  was  slipping  by,  the  list  of  seeds  was 
fearfully  reduced,  when  at  last  clouds  covered  the 
sky  and  rain  began  to  fall.  It  is  unnecessary  to  say 
that  all  such  seeds  as  might  by  any  possibility  germ- 
inate so  late  in  the  season  were,  in  spite  of  the  pat- 
tering drops,  planted  ere  the  storm  had  fairly  begun. 
Bridgeman's  instructions  had  been  learned  by  heart, 
and  each  kind  was  set  out  in  a  circle,  while  a  stick 
with  the  empty  bag,  marked  with  the  name,  was  stuck 
up  in  the  centre.  The  trough  in  w^hich  they  were 
planted  was  dug  about  two  inches  deep,  and  filled 
with  manure,  to  insure  vigorous  growth.  Tw^o  inches 
is  deeper  than  was  authorized,  but  it  seemed  desira- 
ble that  the  plants  should  take  a  deep  root.  Hardly 
were  the  seeds  planted  ere  the  rain  stopped,  the 
clouds  broke,  and  the  sun  came  out  hotter  than  ever. 
For  three  weeks  that  sun  never  ceased  to  blaze  ex- 
cept when  it  went  to  bed — for  three  weeks  not  an- 
other cloud  appeared  or  drop  of  rain  fell. 

Tending  a  garden  is  a  pleasant  occupation,  but 
when  the  only  thing  to  be  done  is  to  water,  every 
morning  and  evening,  a  spot  of  bare  earth  wliere 


The   Flower    Garden.  119 

seeds  are  supposed  to  be,  it  is  monotonous.  Some 
puppies  that  were  kept  by  a  neighbor,  and  which 
were  forever  trampling  over  my  premises,  chewed 
up  and  pulled  out  the  sticks,  and  the  location  of  the 
future  plants  became  somewhat  indefinite ;  and  when 
Weeville  asked  me  one  day  how  my  garden  was  get- 
ting on,  I  answered  evasively, 

"  Finely,  so  far  as  I  can  see-" 

My  conscience  permitted  me  to  presume  all  was 
going  on  right  underground,  although  nothing  had 
yet  come  to  the  surface.  Not  satisfied,  however,  he 
wanted  to  know  exactly  how  I  had  set  out  the  seeds ; 
and  when  lie  was  told  tliey  were  planted  two  inches 
deep  in  a  rich  bed  of  manure,  he  burst  forth, 

"  Why,  you  must  have  burnt  them  all  up ;  plants 
want  earth  as  much  as  manure.  And  if  you  buried 
them  two  inches  deep,  you  dug  their  grave ;  not  one 
will  ever  come  up." 

This  coarse  confidence  on  Weeville's  part  was  not 
pleasant.  I  knew  plants — thistles  especially — would 
grow  in  manure,  for  my  beds  were  full  of  them,  and 
they  appeared  to  do  best  when  covered  over  and  sur- 
rounded with  the  strongest  lumps ;  but  my  mind  had 
troubled  me  a  little  about  the  depth  at  whicli  the 
seeds  were  planted  ;  so,  when  he  was  gone,  1  took  the 
first  good  opportunity  to  rake  off  about  two  inches 
of  the  earth. 


120  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

It  rained  at  last ;  vegetation  started  in  every  direc- 
tion except  where  I  supposed  my  seeds  were ;  weeds 
spread  over  the  beds,  came  up  in  the  walks,  and  ex- 
hibited great  luxuriance.  I  watched  my  garden  anx- 
iously, visiting  it  early  and  late ;  dreadful  were  my 
doubts  and  fears ;  but  at  last  a  circle  of  beautiful 
delicate  green  began  to  show  itself,  not  exactly  in 
the  place  I  expected,  but  not  far  off.  My  delight 
was  unbounded.  I  watched  that  circle  like  a  mother 
would  watch  a  sick  child.  I  hung  over  it  and  tended 
it  with  most  assiduous  care.  If  the  sun  shone  two 
days  in  succession,  I  watered  it ;  if  it  rained  too  hard, 
I  sheltered  it.  My  triumph  over  Weeville  was  to  be 
complete ;  it  is  true  that  only  one  out  of  the  numer- 
ous varieties  that  were  planted  had  appeared,  but  it 
would  not  be  necessary  to  refer  to  the  others. 

That  green  circle  grew  slowly.  The  tiny  leaves, 
in  spite  of  the  great  care  bestowed  upon  them,  seemed 
to  be  feeble ;  their  thin,  pale  stalks  w^ere  hardly  able 
to  support  their  weight ;  the  slightest  rain  threatened 
to  wash  them  away,  and  a  few  hours  of  sunlight  to 
scorch  them  up.  I  nursed  tliem  carefully  through 
their  infantile  diseases ;  and  when  they  were  fairly 
past  danger  and  presented  a  circle  of  unbroken 
green,  I  invited  Weeville  out  to  inspect  my  garden. 

"  Bare  enough,"  he  said  sarcastically,  as  lie  passed 


The   Flower   Garden.  121 

down  the  main  path ;  "  plenty  of  walks  arid  weeds, 
but  no  flowers  this  vear." 

"  Wait  till  you  see,"  was  my  triumphant  answer. 

"  I  can  see  pretty  well  now,"  he  replied ;  "  there  is 
certainly  nothing  to  obstruct  the  view.  I  have  a  fine 
prospect  of  muddy  walks  and  absurdly-shaped  beds. 
You  will  learn  to  be  practical  before  you  are  through. 
Another  year  or  two  will  take  the  city  nonsense  out 
ot  you,  and  teach  you  some  valuable  lessons." 

lie  was  going  on  with  his  egotistical  homilies, 
wnen  I  stopped  him  in  front  of  my  infant  plants. 

"  Look  at  tliat !"  I  said,  exultingly,  grasping  his  arm 
and  facing  him  toward  the  bed. 

"Look  at  what?"  he  repeated,  staring  stupidly 
about. 

"  At  those  plants.  Are  they  not  promising  ?  I  in- 
tend to  separate  and  transplant  them :  there  will  be 
abundance  to  stock  half  my  garden.  Eather  better 
than  raising  egg-plants,  eh  ?  We  city  boys  know  a 
few  things,  after  all.  Wliat  do  you  think  of  those 
little  beauties  ?" 

"  What  on  earth — or,  more  properly  speaking,  in 
the  earth — are  you  talking  about?  I  don't  see  any 
plants,  or  beauties  either." 

"  Not  see  any  plants !"  I  replied,  laughing  at  his 
Ignorance.    "  Perhaps  you  can  not  tell  plants  when 

F 


122  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

you  do  see  them :  you  must  study  Bridgeman.  These, 
sir,  are  the  beautiful  columbine  aquilegia  formosa, 
the  most  lovely  ornaments  of  the  refined  and  elegant 
parterre." 

I  did  not  know  what  they  were,  as  the  stick  was 
gone;  but  this  was  the  only  name  I  could  recall  at 
the  moment. 

"  May  I  ask,"  he  replied,  solemnly,  "  whether  you 
are  joking  or  crazy  ?  If  the  former,  it  is  too  damp 
here  to  make  it  worth  while  to  continue  the  enter- 
tainment ;  if  the  latter,  the  lunatic  asylum  is  close 
by.     What  is  it  you  are  talking  about  ?" 

"  Why,  those  dquilegia  formosas,  that  beautiful 
circlet  of  exquisite  green  that  I  planted  a  month 
ago,  and  which  assiduous  care  has  finally  brought  to 
its  present  vigorous  condition,"  I  rejoined,  smiling 
proudly,  although  my  mind  somewhat  misgave  me 
as  to  the  vigorous  health ;  "  that  fertile  hot-bed  of 
fragrant  beauty,  that  will  furnish  the  groundwork, 
with  skillful  increase,  for  my  entire  garden." 

"  What !"  lie  demanded,  in  a  surprised  tone ;  "  is 
that  what  you  are  talking  of  ?" 

"  Yes,"  I  replied,  a  little  confused,  but  confident 
still. 

"That  your  beautiful  circlet  of  exquisite  green 
which  is  to  fecundate  your  entire  garden !"    At  this 


The   Flower   Garden.  123 

point  lie  cominenced  laugliing,  and,  between  shouts 
of  merriment  and  the  half -intelligible  repetition  of. 
"  exquisite  green,"  it  was  ten  minutes  before  he  be- 
came comprehensible.  "  Why,  that  circlet  of  exqui- 
site green — "  here  he  burst  out  again  till  he  nearly 
choked  —  "exquisite  green  is  nothing  but  a  lot  of 
wild  carrots,  that  you  have  watered  till  you  have 
washed  all  the  life  out  of  them." 

Alas !  this  turned  out  to  be  true.  What  became 
of  my  seeds  I  never  discovered ;  whether  they  were 
drowned  out,  or  burnt  up,  or  raked  aw^ay,  is  hard  to 
tell ;  certain  it  is  that  they  have  not  come  up  to  the 
present  time.  But  the  greatest  mystery  is,  why  should 
wild  carrots  grow  in  a  circle  merely  to  arouse  hopes 
that  were  to  be  blasted  ? 


124  Five  Acres  too  Much, 


CHAPTER   YIII. 

POULTEY. 

T  HAVE  a  respect  for  chickens.  The  hens  have 
-■-  the  finest  qiiaUties  of  the  most  exemplary  moth- 
ers ;  the  cocks  possess  many  of  the  characteristics,  in 
courage  and  devotion  to  ''  the  sex,"  of  the  cavaliers 
of  olden  time.  Behold  the  anxious  matron  ruffling 
her  feathers  and  expanding  her  wings  in  threatening 
defiance  of  the  approaching  stranger,  or  gathering 
the  little  ones  under  her  breast,  and  exposing  her  own 
person  to  the  swooping  hawk.  Observe  the  fierce- 
eyed  rooster  guarding  his  mates  with  zealous  care, 
ever  ready  to  meet  in  deadly  conflict  the  rival  or  in- 
truder, but  invariably  calling  his  wives  to  accept  any 
imusual  luxury  of  fat  grub  or  dainty  bug.  To  be 
sure,  they  rise  early,  which  the  uncultivated  regard 
as  a  virtue,  and  make  much  noise  when  they  wake, 
crowing  at  most  unseasonable  hours ;  but  as  for  the 
absurd  charges  that  the  prejudiced  author  of  "  Ten 
Acres  Enough"  brings  against  them  in  wholesale 
condemnation,  the^e  are  not  worth  answering. 


r  ()  U  L  T  R  Y.  125 

What  if  they  do  scratch  in  the  garden,  it  was 
clear  that  they  could  not  damage  mine  ;  and  do  they 
not  also  catch  the  early  worm  that  destroys  the  crop  ? 
Besides,  chickens  are  good  gastronomically,  and  eggs 
imdeniable.  They  pick  up  most  of  their  own  food, 
and  consequently  are  economical,  and  this,  witli  so 
careful  a  calculator  as  myself,  was  sufficient.  Their 
increase  is  vast,  and  the  profit  upon  them  immense. 
If  every  hen  should  only  raise  ^ve  broods  yearly  of 
ten  each,  and  there  were  ten  hens  to  start  witli,  at 
the  end  of  tw^o  years  they  would  number  three  hun- 
dred and  forty-four  thousand  seven  hundred  and  six 
ty,  after  the  superfluous  roosters  were  sold ;  and  then, 
supposing  the  extra  eggs  to  have  paid  for  their  keep- 
ing, and  the  produce  to  be  worth  only  a  dollar  and  a 
half  a  pair,  there  w^ould  be  a  clear  profit  of  $258,520. 
Allowing  for  occasional  deaths,  this  sum  might  be 
stated  in  round  numbers  at  a  quarter  of  a  million, 
which  would  be  a  liberal  increase  from  ten  hens.  Of 
course,  I  did  not  expect  to  do  so  well  as  this,  but 
merely  mention  what  might  be  done  with  good  luck 
and  forcing. 

Chickens  had  become  very  scarce  about  the  time 
I  w^anted  to  purchase.  Whether  hens  had  given  up 
laying  eggs  or  raising  young  was  not  clear,  but  every 
old  woman  in  the  neighborhood  to  whom  applica- 


126  Five   Ackes  too  Much. 

tion  was  made  informed  me  that  chickens  were 
scarce  and  higli,  and  that  she  only  let  me  have  them 
as  a  special  favor.  Moreover,  the  breed  of  chickens 
l;ept  at  Fhishing  is  rare  and  valuable;  they  were 
eitlier  Shanghais,  or  Dorkings,  or  Black  Spanish,  or 
something  else  extremely  precious  and  desirable,  and 
none  of  them  were  worth  less  than  five  dollars  a 
pair.  They  were  young  and  small,  not  yet  exhibit- 
ing these  remarkable  attractions;  but,  as  one  old 
woman  observed  when  I  suggested  this  circum- 
stance, "  Sure  you  wouldn't  expect  a  little  chicken 
to  be  a  full-grown  hen  the  moment  it  comes  out  of 
the  shell."  This  was  so  clearly  reasonable  that  I 
made  no  farther  objection,  but  purchased  twenty 
pair  of  the  best  to  be  had.  A  coop  was  built,  and 
the  chickens  turned  in,  Patrick  remarking,  in  the 
process, 

"  Indade,  they  were  the  smallest  lot  that  iver  he 
saw." 

I  explained  that  they  would  grow ;  but  he  shook 
his  head,  and  seemed  to  doubt  it,  and  immediately 
proceeded  to  fill  the  smallest  crevices  in  the  coop, 
lest  they  should  creep  through. 

Patrick  fed  and  I  watched  these  chickens  faitli- 
fully.  They  were  rather  unhappy-looking  things  at 
the  start,  and  as  their  principal  amusement  seemed 


Poultry.  127 

to  be  plucking  one  another's  feathers  out  at  meal- 
time, their  appearance  did  not  improve.     In  a  few- 
days  I  observed  that  they  had  a  strange  vray  of  open- 
ing their  mouths,  as  though  they  were  sleepy ;  but,  as 
they  went  to  bed  at  early   candlelight,  and  slept, 
with  little  intermission,  except  for  the  occasional  rec- 
reation of  pushing  each  other  off  the  perches,  till 
sunrise,  it  seemed  hardly  possible,  in  spite  of  their 
early  rising,  that  they  suffered  for  loss  of  sleep.     If 
they  did  happen  to  need  more  rest,  no  ready  way 
suggested  itself  of  supplying  the  deficiency — unless 
they  attended  to  it  themselves,  which  there  was  noth- 
ing to  prevent — as  I  was  not  acquainted  with  an  ap- 
propriate lullaby.     So  they  w^ere  left  to  their  own 
devices.    Their  yawning  became  infectious — as  with 
human  beings,  when  one  gapes  his  companions  w^ill 
follow  suit — until  at  last  one,  that  seemed  to  desire 
to  outdo  the  others  or  make  up  permanently  for  her 
lost  time,  "  slept  the  sleep  that  knows  no  w^aking." 
This  w^as  bringing  matters  to  a  serious  issue ;  and 
when  two  more  w^ere  found  on  a  subsequent  morn- 
ing stark  and  stiff,  Weeville  was  sent  for  in  all  haste. 
He  arrived  in  a  short  time  with  his  usual  cheery 
manner,  and  inquired  "  What  was  the  matter  now  i" 
as  though  nothing  ever  went  WTong  with  him,  and  as 
though  he  could  put  riglit  every  thing  that  went 


128  Five   Ackes   too    Mucit. 

wrong  with  others.  He  was  shown  to  the  coop,  where 
thirty-seven  chickens  were  busily  engaged  opening 
their  mouths  every  few  seconds,  as  thougli  they  had 
taken  into  their  throats  a  very  large-sized  grain  of 
corn,  and  were  unable  to  swallow  it.  It  was  an  ap- 
palling sight.  There  was  an  earnestness  and  so- 
lemnity about  their  actions  that  removed  all  ludi- 
crousness,  and,  with  a  painful  feeling  of  despair,  1 
asked  what  could  be  the  matter  with  them. 

"Why,  they've  got  the  gaps,"  Weeville  answered 
at  once. 

If  there  is  any  thing  unpleasant,  it  is  to  have  a 
friend,  whose  advice  you  have  asked  on  a  serious 
matter — a  matter  in  which  your  feelings  are  interest- 
ed, if  not  otherwise  very  important — take  advantage 
of  the  opportunity  to  indulge  his  wit.  A  joke  is 
never  a  joke  when  uttered  at  the  expense  of  a  friend, 
or  of  the  creatures,  human  or  animal,  for  which  that 
friend  has  an  affection.  The  only  way  to  punish 
such  ill-timed  pleasantry  is  to  appear  not  to  have  felt 
it,  and  I  responded  carelessly,  although  internally  in- 
dignant, 

"  You  might  better  say  they  had  the  yawns.  But, 
seriously,  what  is  the  matter  with  them  ?" 

"  I  say  they  have  the  gaps ;  a  whole  black  pep- 
per— " 


Poultry.  129 

"Never  mind  carrying  the  joke  any  farther,"  1 
replied,  firmly.  "  You  may  think  it  witty  to  say  my 
cliickens  have  the  gaps,  and  I  would  laugh  if  possi- 
ble ;  but,  as  three  of  them  have  died,  it  is  no  laugh- 
ing matter.  If  you  have  nothing  more  useful  to 
suggest,  we  will  return  to  the  house." 

"  I  say  they  have  the  gaps ;  don't  you  know  what 
that  is  ?  It  is  a  regular  disease,  coming  often  fi*om 
dampness,  neglect,  or  inherent  weakness — some  peo- 
ple imagine  there  is  a  worm  in  the  chicken's  throat 
— and  is  cured  by  a  change  of  diet,  free  exercise, 
and  forcing  whole  black  peppers  down  their  throats. 
Let  your  chickens  out  of  this  miserable  little  hole 
where  you  have  been  suffocating  them,  and  give 
them  a  change  of  diet,  especially  some  worms  or 
meat,  and  compel  the  worst  to  swallow  a  whole  pep- 
per every  day  or  two.  You  may  save  a  good  many 
of  them  yet." 

.  This  was  an  exceedingly  suggestive  speech.  My 
coop,  which  was  some  four  feet  square,  was  called  a 
"  hole ;"  my  care  and  attention  were  termed  "  neg- 
lect ;"  and  it  was  considered  possible  that  I  might 
save  a  "  good  many"  of  my  pets.  So  I  laughed  at 
the  idea,  ridiculed  his  remedy,  and  told  him  there 
was  danger  that  his  "whole  pep^Xirs"  would  keep 
them  awake,  and  make  them  more  '^gapy"  tlian 
F2 


130     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

ever;  but  the  moment  lie  was  gone, Patrick  and  I 
caught  every  chicken,  and,  in  spite  of  struggles  and 
cries,  forced  two  whole  peppers — for  two  were  cer- 
tainly better  than  one — down  the  throat  of  each,  and 
turned  them  out  of  the  coop. 

They  did  not  seem  to.be  much  improved  by  the 
operation,  and  went "  gaping"  round  the  premises  in 
a  miserable  way,  leaving  one  of  their  number  dead 
here  and  another  there,  till  they  happened  to  attract 
the  attention  of  my  neighbor's  pups.  I  have  re- 
ferred to  these  pups  before.  They  were  playful 
creatures ;  if  there  was  any  horrible  and  disgusting 
injury  that  they  could,  in  a  frolicsome  mood,  inflict 
upon  me,  they  never  missed  the  chance.  They  tore 
up  the  sticks  that  I  set  to  mark  my  flowers;  they 
scratched  and  dug  in  my  strawberry  bed,  which  I 
had  succeeded  in  planting  before  the  summer  was 
over;  they  dragged  in  every  direction  my  clothes 
tliat  were  laid  out  to  bleach  ;  they  tormented  my  fa- 
vorite cat;  they  appeared  to  think  of  nothing  but 
plan  deviltry  against  me,  and  do  nothing  but  exe- 
cute it.  When  the  more  flagrant  of  these  wrongs 
had  from  time  to  time  been  inflicted,  my  neighbor 
called  to  apologize  blandly  and  express  his  regrets, 
but  never  once  proposed  to  kill  the  dreadful  brutes. 

The  moment  these  pups  saw  my  cliickens  they 


Poultry.  131 

started  after  them.  Tlie  fluttering,  squawking,  and 
barking  attracted  my  attention,  and  I  gave  chase  to 
the  pups.  Away  we  went,  chickens  screeching  with 
fear,  the  pups  yelping  w4th  delight,  and  I  storming 
with  rage :  "  Come  here !  get  out !  go  homo !  how 
dare  you?" 

If  there  had  been  one  pup,  I  might  have  stood  a 
chance ;  but,  "  being  in  doubt  wliere  to  begin,"  I 
"  both  neglected."  Each  pounced  on  a  chicken — of 
course,  the  largest  and  healthiest — and  squeezed  the 
breath  out  of  them  in  a  moment,  and  did  not  even 
give  me  the  sweet  satisfaction  of  revenge ;  but,  hav- 
ing effected  their  object,  and  seeing  me  approach, 
stick  in  hand,  bent  on  exemplary  punishment,  they 
each  dropped  their  prey,  and,  darting  through  the 
nei^iboring  fence,  secured  their  retreat,  or,  as  army 
men  have  it, "  saved  their  bacon."  This  little  amuse- 
ment was  renewed  daily,  and  Patrick  was  continually 
on  guard  against  a  sortie  of  the  enemy.  But  we  be- 
came more  skillful  with  practice,  and  a  few  well-di- 
rected blows  and  successful  shots  sent  the  enemy 
howling  to  the  rear,  and  demoralized  him  greatly. 
Our  chickens,  however,  had  somewhat  diminished  in 
number ;  there  were  the  killed,  wounded,  and  miss- 
ing, leaving  quite  a  moderate  residue.  Moreover, 
there   was   a  gentleman    of  Irisli  extraction  living 


1S2  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

close  hyy  who  had  kept  chickens  before  I  had ;  but 
it  seemed  to  ine  that  his  flock  increased  as  mine  di- 
minished, and  I  even  thought  that  I  recognized  some 
of  my  "  lost  ones."  It  may  be  that  they  went  there 
for  safety,  although,  if  any  questions  were  asked,  he 
could  ahvays  explain  how  he  came  by  that  particular 
bird,  and  give  its  entire  history,  and  the  man's  name 
that  he  bought  it  from. 

When  the  pups  were  repressed  and  the  gaps  cured, 
and  my  remaining  chickens — which  w^ere  reduced  to 
ten — were  persuaded  to  stay  at  home,  and  when  they 
had  become  large  enough  to  give  promise  of  future 
usefulness  and  eggs,  Patrick  was  directed  to  prepare 
boxes  for  them  to  lay  in.  lie  filled  these  lialf  full 
of  soft  hay,  and  deposited  a  white  glass  nest-egg, 
which  cost  twenty-five  cents  apiece,  in  each,  and 
fastened  them  up  in  the  most  enticing  locations. 
But  the  cliickens  did  not  seem  to  fancy  the  nests; 
in  fact,  they  did  not  appear  to  turn  their  minds  to 
laying  at  all,  but  w^ere  contented  to  "  eat,  drink,  and 
be  merry,"  w^ithout  regard  to  their  pliiloprogenitive 
duties.  Patrick  suggested  that  a  little  ''  mate"  miglit 
bring  them  up  to  the  required  point,  and,  wdien  that 
failed,  said  something  about  lime  being  required  to 
make  tiie  shells ;  but  I  did  not  see  the  necessity  for 
sliells  till  we  had  the  "  filling"  ready. 


Poultry.  133 

Certainly  every  inducement  was  offered  those 
chickens  to  lay;  they  had  abundant  "feeds"  of  meal, 
and  oats,  and  wheat,  with  "  naate"  twice  a  day,  like 
an  Irish  serv^ant-girl ;  they  had  the  grazing  of  the 
entire  "  ^\e  acres,"  and  most  attractive  boxes,  but 
they  did  not  seem  to  improve  their  opportunities.  I 
had  concluded  that  they  were  such  a  rare  breed  that 
they  could  not  afford  to  overstock  the  market,  and 
no  longer  wondered  at  their  monstrous  price,  when 
Patrick  rushed  in  to  announce  that  the  big  Domi- 
nick — by  which  name  lie  insisted  upon  calling  a  bird 
that  had  been  sold  to  me  as  a  Black  Spanish  of  the 
most  valuable  kind — had  a  nest  full  of  eggs. 

"  Sure  and  I  jist  found  her  out,  the  cunning  baste ; 
she  stole  her  nest  on  me,  and  has  it  full  of  the  purtiest 
eggs  yez  iver  saw." 

"Well,  Patrick,  that  is  a  good  sign;  you  must  look 
round  and  find  some  more;  they  are  all  doubtless 
laying.  Kow  go  and  bring  me  the  eggs  that  you 
have  found." 

"  Bring  in  the  eggs,  is  it  ?" 

"  Certainly ;  it  is  too  late  in  the  year  for  setting." 

"  Sure,  and  how  am  I  to  do  that  ?" 

"  Why,  go  and  take  them ;  you're  not  afraid  pf  ^ 
hen?" 

^*  J3ut  how  am  I  to  get  there  ?" 


134  Five   A c k e s   to o  Much. 

"  Walk,  of  course ;  what  do  yon  mean  by  talking 
to  me  in  that  way  ?" 

"  I  don't  mane  any  thing  at  all,  at  all,  but  I  can't 
get  the  eggs  unless  your  honor  pulls  down  the  barn. 
The  old  spalpeen  has  settled  herself  right  under  the 
middle  of  the  flure,  and  meself  spied  her  out  through 
the  cracks." 

Sure  enough,  there  she  was.  Utterly  regardless  of 
all  the  attractive  boxes  and  imitation  eggs,  she  had 
crawled  away  where  only  a  rat  could  follow,  and 
where  a  rat  would,  in  the  end,  be  sure  to  follow  her, 
and  had  made  her  nest  imder  the  centre  timber  of 
the  barn  floor.  There  were  two  ways  of  reaching 
her — either  by  digging  a  tunnel  such  as  our  prison- 
ers made  at  Libby,  or  by  taking  up  the  planks.  As 
both  of  these  modes  would  have  cost  somewhat  more 
than  the  eggs  were  worth,  e^^en  supposing  she  was  a 
Black  Spanish  and  not  a  Dominick — about  which,  I 
confess,  I  occasionally  had  some  doubts — we  never 
enjoyed  more  than  a  dim  view  through  the  dirty 
cracks  of  our  "  hidden  treasures." 

This,  however,  was  rather  encouraging ;  another 
hen  might  conclude  to  lay,  and  might  select  a  more 
eligible  situation.  It  was  a  difficult  matter  to  get 
under  the  barn,  and  the  next  one  might  not  be  wil- 
ling to  take  the  trouble,  even  for  the  satisfaction  of 


Poultry.  135 

putting  her  master  at  defiance.  But  alas !  the  very 
next  day  Patrick  waked  me  at  daylight  to  announce 
that  the  fowls  were  "  all  dead  entirely." 

After  a  vain  attempt  to  understand  him,  I  hurried 
on  my  clothes,  and,  rushing  to  the  coop  where  they 
were  accustomed  to  roost,  found  it  empty,  and  their 
murdered  corpses  scattered  about  in  every  direction. 
The  small  wounds,  the  unruffled  feathers,  the  univer- 
sal massacre,  showed  that  a  mink  had  done  the  deed. 
My  chickens,  my  rare  and  valuable  chickens,  that 
were  to  have  laid  so  many  eggs  and  raised  such 
countless  posterity ;  the  roosters,  that  were  to  have 
been  fathers  of  a  long  line  of  famous  descendants ; 
the  hens,  that  were  to  have  been  models  of  matronly 
propriety  and  parental  self-sacrifice ;  my  pets,  that  I 
had  raised  through  so  many  dangei-s,  that  I  had  saved 
from  one  neighbor's  flock  and  another  neighbor's 
pups ;  my  profits,  that  w^ere  to  have  put  the  author 
of  "  Ten  Acres  Enough"  to  silence,  were  cut  off  for- 
ever. Golden  visions  of  eggs  were  destroyed;  an- 
ticipations of  tender  spring  broilers  were  disappoint- 
ed ;  my  quarter  of  a  million  of  prospective  profits — 
all  were  annihilated  together  by  a  mink. 

We  killed  that  mink.  Like  Oliver  Twist,  he  re- 
turned for  more,  and  met  his  fate.  I  had  him  stuffed, 
for  one  mink-skin  is  certainly  a  curious  result  from 
an  investment  of  twenty  pairs  of  chickens. 


136  Five  Ackes   too  Much. 


CHAPTEE   IX. 

FALL   WOEK. 

npHE  suinmei'  was  pretty  well  over,  and  the  various 
-*-  duties  which  accompany  it  accomplished  .ifter 
the  manner  already  described ;  but  there  remaired 
much  to  be  performed  as  the  cool  weather  approach- 
ed. Not  only  is  there  the  regular  j)lanting  season  in 
the  spring,  but  Nature  and  Bridgeman  permit  some 
plants  to  be  set  out  and  seeds  to  be  sown  in  the  fall. 
September  is  the  month  for  starting  a  strawberry- 
bed,  and  as  my  firm  resolve  was  to  have  a  grand  plot 
of  this  best  of  small  fruits,  and  as  my  fii*st  summer's 
success  encouraged  me  to  continue  a  country  resi- 
dence, Patrick  was  dispatched  to  the  nearest  nursery 
to  engage  two  thousand  plants,  to  be  delivered  on  the 
breaking  out  of  the  first  shower. 

Here  was  the  chance  for  me  to  make  my  fortune. 
The  author  of  "  Ten  Acres  Enough"  lays  it  down 
as  a  maxim  always  to  buy  some  new  and  hitherto  un- 
Jinpwii  variety,  that  will  b^ar  the  tergest  fruit  in  the 


Fall  Work.  137 

greatest  profusion,  and  insure  not^only  a  return  for 
the  fruit,  but  a  good  income  by  the  sale  of  offslioots. 
So  Patrick  was  directed  to  inform  the  nurseryman 
that  I  wanted  a  new  kind,  just  discovered  and  supe- 
rior to  all  that  had  preceded  it.  This  request,  though 
natural  enough  to  any  man  who  had  studied  the  work 
referred  to,  must  have  seemed  strange  to  the  nursery- 
man, w^ho  w^as  probably  not  literary,  and  who  came 
back  with  Patrick  to  see  about  it. 

He  said  he  had  several  new  varieties,  but  he  w^as 
not  entirely  satisfied  that  they  were  better  than  the 
common  ones.  There  was  one,  however,  that  prom- 
ised well,  called  the  Bonheur  Seedling ;  but  it  had 
not  been  tested  thoroughly.  By-the-by,  what  excel- 
lent scholars  all  market  gardeners  are.  Their  ordi- 
nary language  is  Greek  and  Latin,  and  their  nearest" 
approach  to  that  of  common  mortals,  French.  They 
overwhelm  you  with  incomprehensible  terms  that 
early  reminiscences  assure  you  nmst  be  from  one  of 
the  dead  languages,  and  call  every-day  fruits  Duch- 
esse  (V AngoulAme^  Louise  Bonne  de  Jersey,  Belle  Lu- 
crative, Trionvphe  de  Gand,  and  so  forth.  I  was  not 
surprised,  therefore,  at  hearing  the  new  strawberry 
called  "  Bonheur  Seedling,"  and  rather  took  to  the 
name  as  an  omen  of  good  luck.  Without  more  ado, 
I  ordered  two  thousand  of  the  "  Bonheur  Seedling," 


138  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

while  visions  of  enormons  fruit  and  invaluable  off- 
shoots  floated  before  my  mind.  The  man,  anxious, 
no  doubt,  to  keep  the  market  to  himself,  suggested 
that  perhaps  I  had  better  divide  the  order  and  take 
some  of  the  ordinary  kinds ;  but  his  object  was  too 
palpable  to  lead  me  from  my  purpose.  If  the  Bon- 
heur  Seedlings  were  good  for  him  to  keep,  they  w^ere 
better  for  me  to  plant,  and  so  the  order  was  not 
changed. 

The  drought  of  the  summer  continued,  and,  hav- 
ing parched  the  ground  till  it  was  as  diy  as  an  Irish- 
man's throat  the  morning  after  election  day,  gave  no 
signs  of  abating.  Sejitember  came  in  with  a  beauti- 
ful clear  sky,  remained  with  a  beautiful  clear  sky, 
and  went  out  with  a  beautiful  clear  sky.  September 
is  one  of  the  finest  months  in  the  year,  especially 
when  the  cloudless  heavens  permit  the  sun  to  send 
his  warm  beams  to  temper  the  cool  breezes  that  be- 
gin to  prevail,  and,  if  a  person  has  not  a  strawberry 
bed  on  his  mind, no  weather  can  be  more  enjoyable; 
but  w^hen  agricultural  purposes  demand  rain,  even 
a  cloudless  September  becomes  tiresome.  Patrick 
waited  in  daily  expectation.  He  had  managed  to 
dig  up  the  ground  by  the  liberal  use  of  a  pickaxe 
and  crowbar;  but  the  sunshiny  days  were  a  trial  to 
him. 


Fall  Work.  139 

"  Shure  I'm  tliinkin  it's  never  going  to  rain  agin  " 
he  said  in  despair,  and  the  nurseryman  was  of  the 
same  opinion,  for  his  patience  gave  out,  and,  without 
waiting  for  the  actual  falhng  of  the  precious  drops, 
he  took  advantage  of  the  first  dark  day,  which  did 
not  arrive  till  tlie  beginning  of  October,  and  sent  the 
two  thousand  plants.  Under  these  circumstances, 
and  as  Bridgeman  says  the  beds  may  be  made  in 
October,  if  not  finished  before,  there  was  nothing  to 
be  done  but  to  soak  the  roots,  thus  trying  to  make 
them  believe  it  was  raining,  as  Patrick  explained  it, 
and  set  them  out. 

A  strawberry  is  a  thrifty  plant ;  the  only  incon- 
siderateness  it  is  guilty  of  is  to  fill  its  delicious  pulpy 
fruit  with  nasty  little  crackling  seeds  ;  but  give  it  the 
least  chance,  and  it  will  grow.  Oure  were  assiduous- 
ly watered,  and  although,  disgusted  with  the  weather, 
some  wilted  away,  othei*s  managed  to  "  w^eather  it," 
as  our  sailors  say,  and  put  forth  a  few  feeble  leaves 
in  testimony  of  existence.  By  the  end  of  October 
there  were  gaps  in  their  regular  ranks,  but  still  tlie 
ranks  were  discernible,  and  the  bed  was  an  accom- 
plished fact.  I  was  not  a  little  proud  of  this  suc- 
cess. It  is  only  necessary,  in  these  cases,  to  take  the 
thing  in  hand  one's  self,  and  I  had  kept  the  water- 
ing-pot in  hand  steadily. 


140 


IiVE  Acres   too   Much. 


Success  in  any  undertaking  in  this  life  is  a  pleas- 
ant tiling.  The  mere  accomplishment  of  what  we 
are  aiming  at,  regardless  of  its  importance,  is  a  satis- 
faction, and  a  satisfaction  that,  so  far  in  my  country 
experience,  I  had  not  frequently  enjoyed.  There, 
however,  was  the  bed :  it  was  green  with  thriving 
beauty.  To  be  sure,  there  were  many  weeds,  but 
there  were  also  a  few  "  Bonheur  Seedlings."  Wee- 
ville  made  some  disparaging  remarks  —  something 
about  my  having  a  good  bed  in  two  or  three  years — 


Fall  Work.  141 

but  1  felt  too  coini)laceiit  to  mind  him.  So,  when 
the  cold  began  to  increase,  I  had  Patrick  cover  over 
my  treasures  carefully  with  plenty  of  straw,  and 
possessed  my  soul  in  patience  for  the  next  spring. 

The  agriculture  of  modern  days  is  very  different 
from  what  it  was  in  the  times  of  our  forefathers. 
Without  going  back  to  tlie  days  of  Adam  and  Eve, 
when  the  vegetable  kingdom  managed  itself,  but  aft- 
er perspiration  became  a  necessity  of  existence,  the 
first  gardening  was  rude,  seeds  were  planted  in  the 
merest  ignorance  of  all  organic  laws,  and  left  to  the 
fate  that  the  earth  and  the  waters  held  in  store  for 
them.  Slowly,  by  innumerable  failures,  certain  rules 
were  learned,  and  fertilizers,  rotation  of  crops,  and 
suitable  soils  were  dimly  comprehended.  In  later 
days  science  has  stepped  in,  and  shed  a  flood  of  light 
on  the  subject.  Now,  before  you  plant  a  seed,  you 
ask  a  chemist  to  analyze  the  soil,  and  ascertain  exact- 
ly how  much  hydrogen,  nitrogen,  oxygen,  phosphate 
of  lime,  and  other  ingredients  with  hard  names,  the 
dirt  is  composed  of,  and  then  you  add  whatever  is 
deficient.  One  of  the  most  beautiful  inventions  of 
science  is  liquid  manure ;  not  that  it  is  beautiful  in 
itself,  for  it  certainly  is  not  agreeable  to  the  senses 
of  smell  or  sight,  and  probabl}^  not  to  that  of  tasle, 
but  it  does  so  admirably  comply  with  all  scientific 


142  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

requirements.  The  great  object  in  applying  a  fer- 
tilizer is  to  so  subdivide  its  particles  as  to  enable  the 
iiner  tissues  of  the  roots  to  take  it  up  by  their  almost 
invisible  mouths.  Not  only  is  this  done  perfectly  by 
dissolving  the  material  to  be  applied,  but  water,  the 
second  great  essential  of  vegetable  life,  is  supplied  at 
the  same  time.  Upon  this  subject  all  the  scientific 
books,  including  my  favorites,  "  Ten  Acres  Enough" 
and  "  Bridgeman's  Assistant,"  enter  with  an  enthusi- 
asm which  is  surprising  to  the  novice.  Of  course  I 
was  a  great  admirer  of  the  liquid  theory,  and  re- 
solved that  my  strawberries  should  not  suffer  from 
its  want. 

Nothing,  however  could  be  done  till  the  following 
spring,  and  we  must  anticipate  events  to  give  the  con- 
clusion of  the  attempt.  It  was  with  some  anxiety  that 
1  watclied  the  removal  of  the  straw  covering  the  next 
April,  and  with  no  little  relief  did  I  observe  that  the 
"  Bonheur  Seedlings" — if  they  could  be  so  called  now 
that  they  had  attained  maturity  —  were  still  there; 
not  quite  so  numerous,  perhaps,  as  when  they  were 
co\ered  up,  and  not  by  any  means  the  original  two 
thousand,  but  still  to  the  number  of  several  scores. 
The  first  thing  to  do  was  to  give  them  a  strong  fertil- 
izer, and  that  must  be  liquid.  Tlie  drainings  from 
the  kitchen  had  been  led  into  a  sink,  and,  having 


Fall  Work.  143 

fermented  during  winter,  complied  with  all  the  req^ 
uisites  for  this  valuable  nourishment.  So  deeply 
had  I  been  impressed  with  the  necessity  of  saving 
every  thing  that  could  supply  plant-food,  so  entirely 
was  I  convinced  of  the  force  of  scientific  arguments, 
and  the  duty  which  every  man  owes  to  his  country 
in  aiding  the  fertility  of  her  fields,  that  not  a.  drop 
of  the  precious  liquid  had  been  wasted. 

Patrick  stared  when  he  was  told  to  w^ater  the 
plants  with  it,  and  nmrmui'ed  something  about  "  its 
being  too  hot" — quite  an  Irish  absurdity,  considering 
it  iiad  been  out  all  winter — but  obeyed  orders,  and 
soon  had  a  nice  coatino;  of  what  looked  much  like 
•whitewash  over  the  entire  bed.  After  a  day  or  two 
the  "Boniieui^"  were  examined,  and,  not  seeming 
very  strong,  were  treated  to  a  second  watering ;  then, 
as  they  did  not  improve,  fresh  waterings  were  given 
them.  In  case  of  sickness  science  is  our  only  re- 
source, and,  although  Patrick  ignorantly  begged  to 
]ia\e  them  left  to  themselves,  the  liquid  fertilizer 
was  applied  steadily.  It  was  given  to  them  early 
and  late ;  the  weaker  and  paler  they  became,  the 
more  they  had  of  it ;  once  a  day,  twice  a  day,  even 
tiiree  times  a  day,  was  the  dose  exhibited. 

I  am  now  satisfied  that  the  "  Bonheur  Seedling"  is 
not  a  success — it  is  not  a  sufficiently  hardy  plant  for 


144  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

our  climate.  They  may  be  good  bearers — of  tbis  1 
can  not  speak — but  they  can  not  be  called  vigorous 
By  the  first  of  June  the  last  had  wilted  away,  in  spite 
of  steady  waterings  with  the  best  liquid  manure.  My 
experience  in  this  matter  is  of  great  value  to  the  pub- 
lic ;  for,  while  I  can  advise  no  one  to  invest  in  "  Bon- 
heur  Seedlings,"  I  can  thoroughly  indorse  the  vir- 
tues of  that  universally  praised  and  admirably  scien- 
tific liquid  fertilizer — the  w^ashings  from  the  kitchen 
sink,  and  earnestly  urge  all  young  gardeners  never  to 
omit  the  use  of  it  on  their  beds.  If  any  thing  can 
insure  the  success  of  the  strawberry — even  the  "  Bon- 
lieur  Seedling" — it  is  this  invaluable  compost,  and  the 
directions  for  saving  it  contained  in  all  agricultural 
works  are  well  worth  following,  in  spite  of  the  trouble 
they  entail.  Ko  one  who  uses  it  will  fail  to  thank 
science  for  the  benefits  that  it  has  conferred  on  agri- 
culture. It  is  true  that  in  my  case  it  was  not  quite 
equal  to  the  occasion,  and  I  had  to  buy  new  plants 
and  set  them  out  in  the  spring ;  but  I  always  regret- 
ted tliat  the  sink-water  was  exhausted  ere  this  was 
done,  for  I  felt  sure  that  on  any  species  but  the  fee- 
ble "  Bonheur"  so  thoroughly  scientific  a  fertilizer 
would  have  had  a  prodigious  effect. 

This  very  interesting  matter  has  led  us  somewhat 
ahead  of  our  story,  and,  although  it  seemed  essential 


Fall  Work.  145 

to  give  these  valuable  results  of  the  applieatioii  of 
science  to  strawberries,  we  must  now  return  tb  our 
fall  work.  Next  in  importance  to  the  strawberries 
was  the  asparagus-bed,  and  great  w^ere  the  prepara- 
tions made  for  it.  Bridgeman  was  consulted.  lie 
is  somewhat  obscure,  an4  I  did  not  practically  imder- 
stand  some  of  his  directionK,  especially  the  one  whicli 
he  lays  down  as  of  the  fir=^t  importance,  that  the 
plot  of  ground  must  be  thoroughly  "  trenched."  Of 
course,  I  was  perfectly  acquainted  with  the  meaning 
of  that  word  in  its  ordinary  acceptation — it  signifies 
to  dig  a  ditch ;  but  the  exact  purpose  of  a  ditch  in 
an  asparagus-bed  was  not  entirely  apparent.  It  was 
not  for  drainage,  for,  as  far  as  I  could  make  out,  the 
ditch  was  to  be  filled  up  again  as  soon  as  made;  it 
was  not  merely  as  an  ornament,  or  to  separate  these 
valuable  plants  from  their  baser  and  less  aristocratic 
neigliboi's,  but  it  had  some  occult  purpose  manifest- 
ly connected  with  a  subtle  and  technical  intei*preta- 
tion.  An  application  to  the  last  pictorial  and  una- 
bridged "  Worcester"  did  no  good  :  there  "  trench" 
was  made  to  mean  a  "  pit,  drain,  oi*  ditch."  As  "  drain 
or  ditch"  were  impossible,  so  "  pit"  seemed  equally 
out  of  the  questioiL 

Not  seeing  any  better  way  out  of  tlie  dilemma,  and 
the  necessity  to  proceed  being  pressing,  I  put  a  bold 
Q 


146  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

face  upon  the  matter,  and,  in  an  indifferent  sort  of 
way,  told  Patrick  to  trencli  the  necessary  ground. 
To  my  great  surprise  and  relief,  he  understood  me, 
and  I  found  it  was  not  making  a  ditch  round  the 
plot,  as  I  had  suspected,  but  digging  it  well  over  and 
putting  in  manure.  The  roots  of  the  asparagus  were 
queer-looking  things,  without  any  green  tops,  remind- 
ing one  of  the  frogs'  legs  seen  in  market  strung  on 
a  stick,  only  that  they  have  rather  more  legs  than  a 
frog.  They  were  planted  under  my  own  supervision, 
and  there  we  shall  leave  them  until  next  spring,  in 
the  firm  hope  we  shall  see  nlDre  of  them. 

The  fruit-trees  had  to  be  set  out  in  the  fall,  besides 
a  forest  of  shade-trees ;  but,  as  this  was  done  in  Oc- 
tober, after  the  cold  weather  had  driven  me  to  town, 
some  painful  mistakes  arose  in  placing  them;  the 
fruit-trees  generally  found  themselves  where  the 
shade -trees  were  to  have  been,  and  the  smallest 
dwarfs  usurped  the  locations  of  the  tallest  monarchs 
of  the  forest.  This  produced  an  irregular  effect. 
There  bid  fair  to  be  great  thinness  of  foliage  where 
we  hoped  for  the  densest  shade,  and  the  large  trees 
were  generally  planted  in  such  parts  of  the  garden 
as  required  most  sun ;  this,  however,  was  not  a  serious 
matter,  as  they  could  be  arranged  in  the  ensuing  fall, 
and  it  is  not  clear,  after  all,  whether  a  little  shade  is 


Fall  Work. 


147 


not  a  good  thing  for  plants  in  our  extreme  climate. 
This,  with  plowing  and  digging,  closed  om-  fall  work, 
and  in  the  next  chapter  we  shall  get  a  comparative 
statement  of  profit  and  loss,  showing  the  manifold 
advantages  of  living  in  the  country. 


148  Five  Ackes   too  Much. 


CHAPTEK  X. 

PROFIT  AND   LOSS. 

I^OW  that  we  have  finished  our  first  year's  expe- 
•^^  rieiice,  and  shown  how  readily  a  person  can 
pass  from  the  profession  of  a  lawyer  to  that  of  an 
agriculturist,  we  come  to  the  subject  which,  after  all, 
is  the  great  question  of  both  city  and  country  life, 
and  which  we  have  always  kept  so  steadily  in  view — 
the  question  of  profit  and  loss.  The  reader  must  bear 
in  mind  that  I  had  great  difticulties  to  contend  with ; 
no  one  had  kindly  set  out  fruit-trees  for  me,  nor  start- 
ed my  asparagus  and  strawberry  beds,  nor  even  laid 
out  my  garden.  Moreover,  the  weather  had  been  ex- 
ceptionally hot  and  dry ;  for  it  does  usually  rain  occa- 
sionally during  the  summer  in  our  climate,  and  sev- 
eral accidents  liad  happened  that  can  hardly  be  ex- 
pected to  take  place  invariably.  The  profit,  there- 
fore, must  be  looked  for,  not  in  the  merely  vulgar, 
material  sense,  but  somewhat  in  the  sensations, 
thoughts,  and  experiences  that  were  included  in  the 
results  of  the  year's  labor.     To  be  sure,  there  was  an 


Profit   and   Loss.  149 

indirect  material  gain :  if  I  had  gone  to  Saratoga  or 
Newport,  or  had  hired  a  summer  residence  elsewhere, 
$2000  or  $3000  would  hardly  have  covered  the  ex- 
pense, even  if  I  did  not  fall  into  the  clutches  of  the 
"  tiger ;"  and  if  I  had  staid  in  the  city,  at  the  pres- 
ent price  of  mint  juleps  and  sherry  cobblers,  and  the 
present  dusty  condition  of  the  public  thoroughfares, 
I  could  hardly  have  got  off  for  less.  The  pure  air  of 
Flushing  supplied  the  place  of  both  these  excitements, 
w^hile  the  deep  interest  of  my  agricultural  pursuits 
kept  my  mind  in  a  pleasant  state  of  occupation. 

The  original  outlay  for  house  and  grounds  was,  in 
round  numbers,  $15,000;  my  fruit-trees  cost  $145  50, 
which  must  be  added  to  principal  of  investment,  as  it 
was  not  to  be  expected  I  should  have  to  buy  fruit- 
trees  every  year.  The  strawberry  plants  cost  $20, 
and  this  should  also  be  part  of  principal ;  but,  as  they 
all  died,  it  may  be  that  this  must  be  yearly  expense, 
at  least  for  the  first  season.  The  asparagus  plants 
cost  $25,  and  we  can  hardly  be  able  to  tell  where  to 
place  that  item  until  next  year  shall  determine  what 
becomes  of  them.  The  baker's  boy,  who  served  me 
with  bread,  ran  his  cart  against  my  gate-post,  and  put 
me  to  an  expense  of  $35  for  repairs;  this  clearly 
should  be  principal,  as  he  could  hardly  be  expected 
to  renew  the  operation  yearly ;  besides,  he  has  been 


150     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

dismissed  by  his  employer.  My  seeds  cost  $3  75, 
and,  as  they  never  came  up,  I  fear  tliey  must  go  to 
annual  expenditure.  The  bean-poles  cost  |2,  and,  if 
the  neighboring  boys  do  not  steal  them,  that  is  an 
item  of  investment.  The  nest-eggs  for  the  hens  cost 
75  cents,  which,  I  have  been  informed,  is  more  than 
they  are  worth ;  but  that  constitutes  permanent  capi- 
tal. My  furniture  was  badly  damaged  in  being 
transported  from  the  city  to  the  country,  and  then 
from  the  country  to  the  city ;  the  legs  of  the  chairs 
became  somewhat  displaced,  and  the  upper  drawer 
fell  out  of  one  bureau,  that  was  laid  face  dow^nward ; 
but,  as  I  am  now  suing  the  express-men  for  damages 
by  reason  of  their  negligence,  it  is  liard  to  say  whether 
this  should  be  included ;  I  have  put  my  damages  at 
$250,  but,  perhaps,  for  the  purposes  of  this  work, 
we  might  reduce  them  to  $25.  Dandy  Jim  cost 
$450,  and  ate  about  half  as  much  in  hay  and  oats, 
and  smashed  my  w^agon  to  such  an  extent  that  the 
repairs  came  to  $50,  and  the  wagon  was  nearly  ruhi- 
ed.  I  paid  $100  for  the  cow,  and  w^ould  not  part 
with  her  for  twice  the  money.  The  chickens  cost 
$105,  which  item  must  go  to  annual  expenditure,  less 
the  value  of  one  mink  skin.  The  pig  cost  $12,  and 
grew  finely,  eating  not  only  all  the  kitchen  refuse, 
but  a  good  feed  of  corn-meal  and  water  three  times 


Profit   and  Loss.  l5l 

a  day ;  imfortiinatelj,  pork  fell,  and  when  he  was 
killed  he  would  only  have  produced  $11  in  market ; 
but,  as  we  intended  to  cure  and  eat  him,  he  would 
have  been  fairly  worth  what  w^e  should  have  had  to 
pay  for  salt  pork  by  retail,  had  not  an  accident  hap- 
pened that  will  be  described  hereafter.  The  value 
of  the  premises  was  really  greatly  enhanced  by  their 
occupation  and  the  improvements  made  on  them, 
but  the  precise  amount  of  such  increase  is  too  indef- 
inite to  be  stated  with  the  accuracy  required  by  this 
work,  consequently  it  is  omitted  altogether,  the  inten- 
tion of  the  writer  being  to  give  only  such  items  as 
may  be  fully  rehed  on  by  any  person  intending  to 
embark  in  a  similar  venture. 

The  account  may  be  stated  as  follows : 

'  INVESTMENT.— DEBIT. 

Premises f  15,000  00 

Fruit-trees 145  50 

Shade-trees  (mostly  in  wrong  places) 107  00 

Asparagus  plants  (doubtful) 25  00 

Repairs  to  gate 35  00 

Bean-poles 2  00 

Dandy  Jim 450  00 

Cow 100  00 

Nest-eggs 75 

Total $15,865  26 


152  Five  Acres   too   Much, 

investment.— credit. 

Premises  worth $15,000  00 

Trees  (besides  improving  the  premises) o50  00 

Asparagus-bed  (if  successful). . . .  „ 150  00 

Bean-poles  (if  not  stolen) 2  00 

Dandy  Jim  (would  be  glad  to  take) 200  00 

Cushy  (would  not  sell  her  for) 200  00 

Nest-egg  (all  but  one  lost) 05 

Total $15,902  05 

The  increased  value  in  the  trees  is  due  to  the  fact 
that  they  have  been  standing  some  months,  and  are 
really  worth  so  much  more  on  one's  place  than  crowd- 
ed together  in  a  nursery.  A  few  may  die — but  it  is 
not  well  to  anticipate  misfortunes — and  the  expense 
of  replacing  them  will,  in  such  case,  fall  into  the  an- 
nual account  of  the  succeeding  year. 

YEARLY  EXPENDITURE. 

Interest  on  investment , $1050  00 

Strawberry  plants 20  00 

Seeds 3  75 

Damages  to  furniture , 25  00 

Repairs  of  wagon  (yearly  expenditure  so  long  as 

Dandy  Jim  remains  with  me) 50  00 

Chickens 105  00 

Total $1253  75 

YEARLY  PROCEEDS. 
Expense  of  trip  to  Newport  or  Saratoga  saved....  $2000  00 

Proceeds  from  suit  against  express-men .50  00 

Costs,  ditto 200  00 

One  mink  skin 25 

Total. ..„ $2250  25 


Profit    and    Loss.  153 

The  profits  of  my  first  year  were  not  large,  but 
sufficient  to  induce  nie  to  continue  the  experiment. 
There  may  be  some  few  items  of  expense,  such  as 
neglect  of  business,  which  are  omitted ;  but  the 
amount  is  difficult  to  compute,  and  rather  too  re- 
mote, as  we  lawyers  say,  for  the  business  might  have 
been  neglected  in  any  event.  The  mink  skin  was 
taken  at  a  bad  season  of  the  year  for  the  fur ;  it  is 
included  among  the  annual  receipts  as  an  offset  to 
the  chickens,  and  in  the  confident  expectation  that 
if  another  mink  wxre  to  do  similar  damage  he  would 
suffer  the  same  fate.  The  clear  profit  may  be  set 
down  at  $1000  in  round  numbers,  which  was  entire, 
ly  satisfactory,  considering  the  unusual  difficulties 
that  presented  themselves,  and  which  more  experi- 
ence and  less  drought  w^ould  probably  remove  in 
succeeding  years.  It  will  be  observed  that  the  costs 
of  suit  are  included,  although  the  case  is  not  yet 
tried;  but  as  it  is  a  question  involving  a  long  ac- 
count of  many  items,  and  is  brought  by  a  lawyer, 
the  judge  will  probably  refer  it  to  another  lawyer, 
who  wdll  undoubtedly  perceive  the  justice  of  the 
claim.  The  amount  of  both  recovery  and  costs  is 
rather  understated,  if,  any  thing.  This  is  a  source  of 
profit  that  could  only  be  counted  on  by  one  of  the 
profession  ;  a  nun-professional  would  probably  find 

G  2 


154  Five   Acres  too   Much. 

it  the  other  way ;  but,  as  the  damages  are  charged, 
the  receipts  must  go  against  them.  The  saving  on 
the  trip  to  Newport  or  Saratoga  is  fairly  included, 
as  none  of  my  readers  would  expect  me  to  pass  the 
summer  in  town. 

This  was  certainly,  taken  all  in  all,  a  flattering  ex- 
hibit, as,  with  the  charming  and  original  author  of 
"Ten  Acres  Enough,"  when  he  forgot  to  put  any 
clothing  on  the  backs  of  his  wife  and  daughters,  we 
must  not  confine  our  view  merely  to  the  humdrum 
matter  of  fact  affairs  of  every-day  life,  but  must 
look  at  the  whole  subject  from  a  higher  stand-point. 
Think  of  all  the  pleasures,  intellectual  and  j^hysical, 
of  the  change  from  the  dull,  dreary  city  streets  to  the 
lovely  country  roads — from  the  nasty  Croton,' run- 
ning through  its  poisonous  leaden  pipes,  and  vulgar- 
ly penetrating  into  every  room  on  every  story,  to  the 
pure,  sparkling  well-water,  so  fresh  and  delicious 
(after  the  cat  was  removed),  drawn  from  the  deep 
well  by  pump  or  bucket.  Think  of  going  fi-om  the 
unhealthy  atmosphere  of  overcrowded  New  York, 
where  sickness  of  all  kinds  is  on  the  look-out  for  its 
victims — where  pestilence  stalks  in  the  noonday — to 
the  invigorating  air  of  Flushing,  where  a  slight  at- 
tack of  chills  and  fever,  if  it  does  happen,  is  rather 
an  agreeable  variety.     Think  of  escaping  from  the 


Profit   and  Loss.  155 

offensive  over -supply  of  Fulton  and  Washington 
Markets,  and  the  consequent  difficulty  in  making 
selections  for  tlie  daily  returning  dinner,  and  being 
every  morning  informed  by  the  butcher-boy  that 
you  can  have  a  beefsteak  or  mutton-chop,  and  noth- 
ing else,  according  as  hairy  or  woolly  cattle  are 
cheapest.  Think  of  all  these  advantages,  apart 
from  pecuniary  considerations ! 

In  a  moral  aspect,  the  advantage  is  equally  strik- 
ing. No  late  hours  or  evening  dissipations  at  Flush- 
ing— no  demoralizing  club-life — no  theatrical  enter- 
tainments— no  political  meetings.  Occasionally,  per- 
haps, some  exponent  of  the  water-cure  theory,  some 
second-rate  necromancer,  some  believer  in  spiritual- 
ism, or  some  devotee  of  cold  water,  gives  a  lecture 
at  the  town  hall ;  but  these  can  scarcely  rise  to  the 
dangerous  dignity  of  dissipations,  and  are  agreeably 
somnolescent  in  their  influence.  Husbands  are  not 
apt  to  be  led  away  by  them  into  neglecting  their 
wives,  nor  literary  or  professional  men  into  deserting 
their  books ;  while  for  the  youth  of  either  sex  these 
attractions  are  not  excessive.  Once  in  a  while  there 
may  be  a  public  ball,  but,  as  every  one  has  been  see- 
ing every  body  else  every  day  in  every  week  for 
months,  if  not  years,  and  as  nothing  but  ice  cream, 
cakes,  and  lemonade  are  served  round,  it  is  a  mild 
species  of  orgy  at  woi*st. 


156     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

But,  to  escape  from  moral  considerations  and  to 
return  to  practical  ones,  it  will  be  observed  that  the 
pig  does  not  appear  in  the  a(5C0unts ;  this  is  due  to 
what  may  properly  be  called  an  accident,  and  can 
not  be  blamed  to  the  writer.  Piggy  grew  finely, 
and  toward  Christmas  Patrick  butchered  him  in  ar- 
tistic style,  and  brought  him  to  the  city.  lie  must 
have  weighed  220  lbs.,  although,  not  having  scales 
sufficiently  strong  to  sustain  that  weight,  I  can ,  not 
be  positive  that  he  did  not  exceed  it ;  but,  unfortu- 
nately, the  price  of  pork  w^as  then  only  ^ve  cents  per 
pound,  which  w^ould  have  brought  him  to  eleven  dol- 
lars, whereas  we  had  paid  twelve  for  him  six  months 
before,  and  put  a  goodly  amount  of  corn,  to  say  noth- 
ing of  swill,  into  him  besides.  He  was  not  for  sale, 
however,  being  intended  for  the  salting-kettle,  and  I 
proceeded  to  cut  him  up. 

I  was  not  skilled  in  the  art  of  animal  dissection, 
and  the  result  would  hardly  have  been  approved  by 
a  scientific  butcher.  His  back  w^as  particularly  hard 
to  split,  especially  w^th  no  better  instrument  than 
a  heavy  carving-knife,  wliich  was  somewhat  nicked 
in  the  operation,  and  it  was  very  difficult  to  chop  in 
the  true  line.  Surgery  not  having  been  a  part  of 
my  education,  I  found  the  disjointing  of  the  limbs 
an  intricate  process.     Tlie  shoulders  and  hams  took 


Profit  and  Loss. 


157 


odd  shapes,  unlike  what  I  had  been  accustomed  to 
seeing  on  table,  and  the  flesh  insisted  upon  looking 
more  like  gobs  than  the  ordinary  pieces.  Still,  Pat- 
rick was  strong,  and  he  pulled  as  I  cut,  and  between 
us  something  was  sure  to  give  way,  and  I  succeeded 
in  separating  the  joints,  and  reducing  him  to  a  shape 


that  would  go  into  the  barrel,  the  abundant  fat  that 
I  encountered  in  the  process  promising  well  for  the 
quality  of  the  future  salt  pork  that  he  was  to  make. 


158     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

Weeville  had  given  me  an  accurate  recipe  for  pre- 
paring the  brine  that  was  to  cover  him :  it  was  to  be 
composed  of  salt  and  water  boiled,  and  strong  enough 
to  bear  an  egg,  with  a  modicum  of  saltpetre.  The 
hams  and  shoulders  were  to  be  rubbed  well  with 
brown  sugar,  with  a  view  to  their  being  smoked,  and 
the  brine  was  to  be  poured  over  the  pork  after  the 
latter  had  been  carefully  packed  in  the  barrel,  and 
then  a  weight  was  to  be  laid  on  top. 

These  directions  w^ere  very  explicit,  and  it  seemed 
impossible  to  make  a  mistake;  but,  unfortunately, 
Weeville  forgot  to  mention  that  the  brine  must  be 
allowed  to  cool  before  it  is  used.  Being  ignorant  of 
this  important  particular,  I  poured  the  boiling  pickle 
over  the  meat,  which  had  been  carefully  disposed  in 
the  bottom  of  a  huge  hogshead,  and  calmly  awaited 
the  effect.  Without  entering  into  farther  particulars 
on  this  painful  subject,  it  is  sufficient  to  say  that  we 
did  not  eat  our  own  salt  pork  that  year.  It  would 
undoubtedly  have  been  remarkably  line,  and  far  su- 
perior to  any  thing  that  is  to  be  had  in  market,  for 
it  is  my  firm  impression  that  that  pig  had  eaten  three 
or  four  times  its  weight  in  corn  before  it  had  con- 
sented to  harden  its  flesh,  wiiich  my  scientific  neigh- 
bors tell  me  is  the  object  in  feeding  corn.  I  bore 
the  disappointment  as  well  as  I  could,  but  it  is  to 


Profit  and  Loss.  169 

be  regretted  that  people  are  not  more  careful  to  be 
exact  in  their  instructions ;  and,  above  all,  when  an 
error  of  this  kind  is  committed  and  pointed  out, 
they  should  not  reply — as  Weeville  was  inconsider- 
ate enough  to  do,  when  I  told  him  of  his  omission^ 
"  Well,  I  thought  you  knew  enough  for  that." 

This  loss,  being  a  mere  accident,  for  which  I  was 
clearly  no  more  to  blame  than  if  my  pocket  had 
been  picked  in  the  cars,  or  I  had  trod  on  a  nail  when 
surveying  my  garden  and  been  compelled  to  pay 
doctor's  bills,  is  not  fairly  chargeable  to  tlie  account 
of  country  life.  In  fact,  the  loss  took  place  in  the 
city ;  for  when  the  pig  left  the  country  he  was  mani- 
festly worth  eleven,  if  not  twelve  dollars,  at  market 
rates,  and'  was  even  more  valuable  for  home  con- 
sumption. The  loss  was  not  my  fault,  nor  the  pig's 
fault,  and  Weeville  says  it  was  not  his  fault — and  it 
certainly  was  not  the  fault  of  country  life — so  I  have 
omitted  it  altogether  from  the  statement. 

I  have  been  particular  to  be  thus  explicit  and  ex- 
act, and  to  keep  every  thing  within  bounds;  for, 
knowing  w^hat  numbers  w^ill  be  induced  by  these 
pages  to  follow  my  example,  I  wish  to  give  them 
merely  such  view^s  and  facts  as  they  can  implicitly 
rely  upon ;  and  it  is  confidently  believed  that  any 
other  professional  man  can  do  as  well  as  I  did,  or 


160 


F I  V  E  Acres    t  o  o   M  u  c  ii. 


\Gvy  nearly  so,  with  any  live  acres  he  may  select  in 
the  vicinity  of  Flushing,  or  in  some  other  equally 
eligible  locality,  if  any  locality  as  eligible  as  that 
delightful  and  fashionable  village  can  be  found — a 
point  about  which,  until  my  lots  are  sold,  I  shall  con- 
tinue to  have  very  great  doubts. 


Flushing   Skating- Pond.  161 


CHAPTEE   XL 

THE   FLUSHING    SKATING-POND — A   DIGRESSION. 

^^  \T TELL,"  said  Wee ville  one  day,  during  the  en- 
suing winter,  as  he  dropped  into  my  quiet 
office  in  the  city,  where  I  try  to  forget  the  charms 
and  aUurements  of  the  country,  and  devote  myself  to 
Coke,  Blackstone,  and  Kent, "  we  liave  finally  put  our 
skating-pond  in  good  hands.  Last  year  there  was 
much  complaint  because  the  snow  was  not  cleared 
off,  and  the  best  days  in  the  season  were  wasted  from 
this  neglect ;  but  now  we  shall  have  no  farther 
trouble.  You  know  tlie  ice-man,  Willis,  who  sup- 
plies the  residents  with  ice — he  has  taken  hold  of  i^. 
His  services  were  engaged  at  considerable  expense, 
because  we  all  knew  his  long  experience  had  made 
him  thoroughly  acquainted  with  the  subject.  He 
has  had  to  do  with  ice  ever  since  he  was  a  boy ;  he 
has  cut  it,  and  packed  it,  and  sold  it,  and  can  make  it 
freeze  if  there  is  any  freeze  in  it.  During  the  mild- 
est winters  his  supply  has  never  failed ;  he  is  a  re- 


162  Five  Acees   too   Much. 

markable  man  in  that  line.  We  have  a  splendid 
pond,  nicely  fenced  in,  and  much  superior  to  your 
Central  Park  affairs,  where  the  boys  jostle  and  upset 
you,  or  to  the  petty  concerns  got  up  as  rinks,  and 
occupying  half  a  city  block,  where  you  can  scarcely 
turn  round.  There  is  plenty  of  room  on  our  lake, 
and  the  company  is  select.  You  are  fond  of  skating. 
Why  don't  you  make  up  a  party  and  run  out  some 
day  ?  All  the  best  people  go  there,  and  you  k:now 
how  pretty  our  girls  are  in  Flushing." 

I  had  come  to  "the  city  quite  early,  not  being  en- 
tirely satisfied,  in  my  blind  ignorance,  that  winters  in 
the  country,  with  snow  or  mud  on  the  ground,  the 
thermometer  clinging  to  zero,  and  the  wind  having 
full  sweep,  w^ere  as  pleasant  as  they  are  in  New  York, 
even  when  streets  are  impassable  and  sidew^alks  slip- 
pery. Nevertheless,  I  am  devotedly  fond  of  skating ; 
not  that  I  excel  in  the  art ;  for,  on  the  contrary,  I  can 
do  little  more  than  the  simplest  steps,  and  generally 
return  from  every  expedition  with  bruised  body  and 
sore  limbs.  I  keep  on  hoping  that  I  shall  improve, 
and  make  the  most  of  the  fresh  air  and  exercise,  al- 
though the  fancy  steps,  and  my  efforts  to  disregard 
the  simplest  laws  of  equilibrium,  bring  me  to  grief. 
It  is  pleasant  to  skate,  and  pleasant  to  see  others 
skate,  especially  of  the  female  sex,  with  their  cheeks 


Flushing   Skating-Pond.  163 

aglow  and  their  eyes  sparkling,  and  with  their  neat 
dresses  and  dainty  feet.  On  the  Central  Park  the 
troublesome  boys  annoy  nie,  and  the  private  ponds 
are  so  filled  with  superior  artists  that  I  am  ashamed 
to  appear  on  them  ;  skating  is  not  only  a  fashionable 
recreation,  but  peculiarly  a  country  pastime,  where 
ponds  abound,  not  having  been  filled  up  to  make  city 
lots ;  so  I  determined  to  take  advantage  of  Weeville's 
suggestion. 

Moreover,  I  am  fond  of  the  best  people ;  I  like 
good  society.  It  is  pleasant  to  mention  that  I  met 
so  and  so,  and  imply  that  we  are  on  intimate  terms. 
Of  course,  all  are  equals  in  this  countiy,  and  my  fam- 
ily is  exceedingly  old,  going  back  almost  to  the  time 
of  my  grandfather.  I  have  a  right  to  consideration, 
but  still  one  feels  better  to  be  among  the  best.  Be- 
sides these  two  attractions,  Weeville  had  intimated 
that  the  young  ladies  of  the  neighborhood  frequented 
that  favored  pond ;  tliis  was  a  still  stronger  induce- 
ment. Woman  is  pretty  in  every  costume  tliat  fasli- 
ion  adopts ;  she  is  angelic  in  high  bonnets  and  divine 
in  flat  hats ;  she  is  bewitching  in  tight  skirts,  and  en- 
rapturing in  balloon  crinoline ;  she  is  entrancing  in 
short  robes,  and  overwhelming  in  long  trains ;  wheth- 
er she  wears  feathers  or  ribbons,  crape  or  colors,  high 
necks  or  low  necks,  she  is  charming ;  but  in  a  skat- 


164     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

ing  costume,  with  her  dress  high  looped  up,  her  red 
balmoral  appearing  below,  and  her  dear  little  feet — 
seeming  smaller  from  being  strapped  to  skates — 
peeping  out  from  under  all,  and  occasionally  exhib- 
iting an  ankle  above,  she  becomes  tenfold  more  en- 
chanting. The  exercise  and  cold  air  are  splendid 
a;rtists  for  painting  her  cheeks,  and  the  swan  is  no- 
where in  comparison  with  her  grace  of  motion.  No 
place  so  abounds  in  the  beautiful  of  their  sex  as 
Flushing.  So  I  resolved  that  I  would  steal  a  day 
from  pressing  cares  and  labors,  and  collect  a  few 
friends  to  visit  the  skating  pond. 

The  house  had  been  finished  and  closed,  and  had 
been  given  in  Patrick's  charge ;  some  furniture  had 
been  left  there,  and  it  was  merely  necessary  to  make 
a  few  arrangements  to  receive  hospitably  tlie  guests 
who  had  been  invited.  Weeville  was  to  bring  me 
word  when  the  ice  was  solid,  so  that  we  might  start 
on  the  ensuing  morning  early.  The  thermometer 
was  the  subject  of  much  interest  for  some  days.  It 
went  down  finally,  and  staid  down  resolutely;  ru- 
mors circulated  that  the  New  York  Rink  was  frozen, 
and  skating  had  commenced  there ;  next  the  public 
conveyances  bore  announcements  that  tlie  opposition 
private  pond  was  solid ;  and  finally  the  red  ball  went 
up,  and  thousands  rushed  to  the  Central  Park.     Our 


Flushing   Skating-Pond.  165 

party,  too  much  on  the  qui  vive  for  the  superior  at- 
tractions of  Fhishing  to  make  engagements  for  any 
of  those  places,  waited  and  waited  for  Weeville. 
After  the  rest  of  the  skating  world  had  been  enjoy- 
ing themselves  for  a  week,  he  appeared  at  my  office 
in  a  great  state  of  hilarity. 

"  Ready  at  last,"  he  shouted.  "  Willis  wanted  the 
ice  to  be  solid ;  a  careful  man,  that ;  no  accidents 
while  he  is  in  charge.  But  last  night  fixed  it.  The 
ice  is  at  least  six  inches  thick,  and  to-morrow  the 
whole  town  will  be  on  hand.  Nothing  like  starting 
right;  put  some  one  with  brains  at  the  head,  and 
you  are  sure  to  go  straight ;  twenty  years'  experience 
does  not  pass  for  nothing.  I  suppose  you  have  been 
impatient,  but  remember  we  have  no  life-saving  ma- 
cliines,  and  it  is  better  to  be  on  the  sure  side,  if  it  is 
a  little  slower.     Come  in  the  early  train  to-morrow." 

There  was  great  excitement  in  warning  and  col- 
lecting our  forces,  and  we  did  not  get  off  as  early  as 
we  hoped ;  but  having  at  last  managed  to  cross  the 
river  and  reach  tlie  train — except  a  few  couples  that 
were  left  behind — we  were  soon  at  the  Flushing 
d^pot. 

Instead  of  having  wagons  ready  to  carry  the  party 
at  once  to*  the  pond,  as  he  had  promised,  Weeville  re- 
ceived us  alone.     His  usual  liilarity  was  wanting,  his 


166  FiveAcres   TOO  Much. 

air  was  sad,  liis  manner  disconsolate.  As  we  crowd- 
ed around  him,  lie  said  slowly, "  There  is  no  skating." 

"  Eidiculous,"  was  the  answer,  in  a  chorus  of  as- 
tonished voices ;  ''  there  must  be  skating." 

"  Yes,"  said  our  precise  associate, "  I  have  a  record- 
ing thermometer,  and  last  night  the  mercury  fell  to 
fifteen." 

"Your  man  is  a  little  too  cautious,"  I  said;  "there 
is  such  a  thing  a§  erring  on  the  right  side." 

"  Oh !"  said  the  ladies,  "  if  that's  all,  we  are  not 
afraid ;  are  we,  Mr. ?"  each  turning  to  her  par- 
ticular companion  with  a  look  that  induced  the  latter 
to  engage  unanimously  to  answer  for  their  safety. 

"  But  there  is  no  ice,"  again  said  Weeville,  with  a 
manner  of  most  deplorable  abasement. 

"  Now,  how  can  that  be  ?"  demanded  our  precise 
man  again  ;  "  water  freezes  at  thirty-two." 

"Why,"  burst  forth  the  female  chorus,  "the  Cen- 
tral Park  has  been  frozen  these  two  days." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Weeville,"  I  then  commenced,  growing 
incensed  at  his  stupidity, "  if  there  was  no  ice,  why 
did  you  tell  me  last  evening  that  it  was  six  inches 
thick?" 

"  So  it  was,"  he  replied,  still  more  drearily. 

"  Then,  in  Heaven's  name,  what  has  become  of  it  ?" 

"  Willis  cut  it  all  yesterday,  and  put  it  in  his  ice- 


Flushing  Skating-Ponp.  167 

houses,"  was  the  final  reply.  If  he  had  fired  a  pistol 
among  the  party,  my  friend  could  not  have  surprised 
them  more.  "  He  says  he  wanted  it  to  freeze  smooth- 
er ;  but  the  pond  is  mined  for  the  season,  as  the  little 
pieces  and  lumps  that  have  broken  off  will  remain 
and  destroy  the  surface." 

"  What  a  shame !"  cried  the  ladies.  "  The  scoun- 
drel !"  growled  the  men.  "  "Well,  what  can  we  do  ?" 
asked  the  former.  "Let  us  go  home,"  replied  the 
latter.  Yain  were  my  imploring  requests  that  they 
would  at  least  visit  my  comitry  seat — in  company  I 
speak  of  it  as  my  country  "  place"  or  "  seat" — that 
they  miglit  warm  themselves  after  their  journey,  and 
satisfy  the  cravings  of  hunger  and  thirst.  "All 
aboard !"  yelled  the  conductor,  for  the  Flushing  trains 
make  immediate  return  trips,  like  ferry-boats.  My 
companions  clambered  wp  the  steps  and  into  the 
seats,  and,  in  a  moment  more,  were  being  whirled 
back  to  the  city.  I  did  not  accompany  them,  but 
remained  witli  Weeville,  who,  though  far  from  lively, 
was  probably  a  more  pleasant  associate  for  me  just 
then. 

In  fact,  on  the  question  of  skating  the  city  seems 
to  possess  certain  advantages.  In  the  country  snow 
keeps  falling  at  odd  and  inconvenient  times,  and 
there  are  no  enthusiastic  individuals  to  shovel  it  off. 


168  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

Hardly  does  the  thermometer  go  down  into  the 
twenties,  and  succeed  in  congealing  the  surface  and 
raising  the  expectations  of  the  devotees  of  the  "  ring- 
ing steel,"  ere  the  clouds  cover  the  sky,  snow-flakes 
make  their  appearance,  and  settle  down  w^ith  some 
inches  of  soft  impassability,  winding  up,  probably, 
with  a  rain  or  "  freeze,"  that  leaves  the  entire  surface 
of  every  pond  an  uninviting  expanse  of  "  humps  and 
bumps,"  that  bid  defiance  equally  to  high  art  and  un- 
skilled blundering.  The  ice -shaving  machines,  the 
snow-sweepers  and  the  like,  are  confined  to  the  met- 
ropolitan limits ;  and,  although  there  is  plenty  of  ice 
in  the  country,  it  is  often  hard  to  get  at,  even  if  there 
is  not  an  "  ice-man"  to  carry  it  away  for  other  uses 
than  skating. 


The   Second   Yeak.  169 


CHAPTER    XII. 

THE    SECOND   YEAR. 

\TTE  now  come  to  the  second  year.  The  house 
^  "  had  been  finished.  It  occupied  a  command- 
ing position  on  the  beautiful  square  that  constituted 
my  possessions,  and,  with  the  wind  whistling  through 
the  innumerable  ornaments  that  covered  the  edges 
of  its  high  peaks,  brought  to  mind  its  original  sea- 
faring owner.  The  land  had  been  well  plowed,  at 
last,  and  was  no  longer  impervious  to  spade  and 
pick ;  the  strawberries,  whose  untimely  fate  has  al- 
ready been  described  in  anticipation,  had  been  plant- 
ed, and  the  asparagus-bed  was  in  a  promising  state 
of  preparation.  Fruit-trees,  and  raspberry  bushes, 
and  the  "  great  Lawton  blackberry" — which,  having 
originally  been  discovered  by  Mr.  Seaton,  was  called 
by  my  intelligent  fellow-farmers  after  Mr.  Lawton, 
because  both  names  ended  with  "  ton" — were  set  out; 
my  accounts  for  the  year  were  made  up,  and  I  de- 
termined to  go  to  Europe. 

H 


170  Five   Ackes   too   Much. 

My  trip  was  principally  undertaken — apart  from 
Bome  business  claims  which  importunate  clients  in- 
sisted on  pressing  upon  me — to  study  the  European 
mode  of  agriculture.  With  that  view  I  spent  most 
of  my  time  in  Paris,  and  went  steadily  to  the  Jardin 
des  Plantes,  Jardin  d'Acclimitation,  Jardin  Mobille, 
Chateau  de  Yincennes,  Chateau  des  Fleurs,  the  Lilac 
Festival,  Bois  des  Boulogne,  Pare  Monceau,  and  all 
such  places  where  there  was  a  chance  to  learn  any 
thing  I  did  not  know  before.  The  information  I  ac- 
quired was  very  valuable,  and  if  the  reader  perceives 
its  effect  in  the  future  pages  he  need  not  be  surprised. 

This  threw  the  garden  pretty  much  upon  Patrick's 
shoulders,  and  he  bought  me  a  new  lot  of  forty  chick- 
ens, two  w^atch-dogs,  and  four  cats — as  the  rats  had 
almost  taken  possession  of  ray  house  and  barn,  think- 
ing, apparently,  that  it  was  built  for  their  conven- 
ience— and  put  into  the  ground  the  most  enormous 
quantity  of  manure.  He  seemed  to  have  imbibed 
the  scientific  agriculturist's  admiration  for  fertilizers, 
or  else  felt  an  interest  in  the  welfare  of  his  numer- 
ous friends  and  compatriots  in  the  neighborhood  who 
kept  pigs  and  cattle,  and  raised  what  the  books  po- 
litely term  compost.  He  spread  seven  hundred  loads 
of  it  on  my  five  acres,  and  when  he  was  through  there 
was  not  a  load  of  compost  to  be  had  in  Flushing  for 


The   Second   Year.  171 

love — although  I  do  not  believe  that  ever  bouglit  a 
load  of  compost  any  where — or  money. 

Of  course,  I  did  not  know  exactly  what  seeds  Pat- 
rick had  put  in,  and  if  I  asked  him,  during  the  spring, 
whether  he  had  this  or  that  vegetable,  his  answer  al- 
ways was, "  Shure  and  he  had  lashings  ov  it ;"  but  I 
feared  he  had  a  sneaking  weakness  for  onions  and 
cabbages.  My  first  question  on  my  return,  which 
was  after  a  flying  visit  of  a  few  months,  in  which  I 
had  learned  all  that  was  essential,  was  about  the  suc- 
cess of  the  asparagus-bed. 

"  Faith,  nothing  has  iver  come  up,"  was  the  heart- 
rending response.  "  There  was  a  most  beautiful  pond 
of  water  standing  on  the  spot  all  winter,  and  I  con- 
saited  that  the  roots  was  rotted  out  intirely ;  so,  as 
tlie  bed  was  ilegantly  manured,  1  jist  put  in  a  fine 
crop  o'  turnips,  as  I  thought  that  would  be  the  doin' 
ov  it." 

This  was  the  end  of  my  asparagus — a  bed  that  rCv 
quires  three  years  to  mature,  and  which  could  not  be 
started  till  another  fall ;  a  bed  tliat  had  been  trench- 
ed and  fertilized,  and  on  which  so  much  brain-work 
and  back-work  had  been  expended ;  a  bed  in  wliicli 
the  roots  ought  to  have  slept  comfortably  and  safely 
during  their  sleepy  season.  One  or  two  spears  strug- 
gled up  through  the  second  planting,  but  even  they 


172  Five   Acres    too   M  u  c  ji 

were  feeble,  and  barely  exhibited  that  delicate  fringe 
that  mature  asparagus  assumes  by  contrast  to  its  ear- 
lier state.  My  disgust  can  be  imagined — to  plant  as- 
paragus and  reap  turnips,  which  I  never  eat,  and  yet 
have  Patrick  inform  me  that  this  was  "  the  doing  of 
it !"  To  have,  in  place  of  the  most  aristocratic  and 
delicate  of  vegetables,  the  most  vulgar  and  indigest- 
ible one ;  to  have  the  favorite  plant  of  refined  gour- 
mets supplanted  by  the  food  of  cattle !  I  felt  as 
though  the  only  thing  "  done"  was  myself. 

Although  my  return  to  farming  was  a  little  late  in 
the  season,  I  went*  to  work  in  earnest,  undismayed  by 
this  deplorable  failure,  planting  every  spot  that  Pat- 
rick had  neglected,  and,  as  his  memory  was  not  very 
accurate,  occasionally  putting  a  second  sowing  where 
he  had  already  planted  a  different  seed.  I  felt  I 
must  make  the  most  of  my  ground  in  its  present  pro- 
ductive condition,  and  filled  up  every  hole  and  cor- 
ner. The  weather  was  propitious,  and  every  thing 
grew  in  grand  style.  The  peas  climbed  up  the  bush- 
es that  were  set  round  them  and  out  over  the  top ; 
the  beans  went  to  the  summit  of  their  poles,  and  then 
waved  their  heads  round  in  the  wind  like  measuring- 
worms  on  the  end  of  a  stick ;  and  the  squashes  co\'- 
ered  the  ground  with  enormous  leaves. 

The  first  tlmt  came  to  bearing  were  our  peas — 


The   Second  Year.  173 

DaTiiel  O'Koiirkes,  of  coui-se.  Tliey  rather  went  to 
stalk,  being  some  seven  feet  high — about  twice  their 
proper  height,  as  laid  down  in  agricultural  works, 
and  ahnost  out  of  reach.  There  were  .not  many  pods, 
and  Patrick  said  "  he  'most  broke  his  back  laining  up 
to  reach  'em ;"  but  the  flavor  fully  justifled  Weeville's 
enthusiasm.  Unfortunately,  only  two  rows  had  been 
planted,  and  they  furnished  but  a  few  meals — we 
had  moved  out  of  town  early  to  enjoy  the  full  ben- 
efit of  our  fresh  vegetables — and  our  next  planting 
consisted  of  a  quantity  of  dwarf  marrowfats.  Now 
dwarf  peas  have  some  advantages ;  they  are  easy  to 
plant  and  easier  to  take  care  of ;  they  grow  luxuriant- 
ly and  bear  abundantly ;  they  are  what  farmers  call 
a  "  sure  crop,"  but  as  for  eating  them,  that  is  anoth- 
er question.  In  a  religious  and  penitential  point  of 
view  they  would  be  invaluable,  as  no  amount  of  boil- 
ing would  ever  soften  them.  It  is  said  they  are  a 
profitable  crop,  and  good,  when  plowx^d  under,  to  en- 
rich the  land.  It  w^ould  seem  as  though  they  w^ere 
excellent  in  every  way  but  on  the  table,  and  it  so  hap- 
pened that  it  w^as  just  for  this  especial  purpose  that  I 
wanted  them.  My  land  needed  no  fartlier  enriching 
— Patrick's  compost  had  done  that  effectually.  Piety, 
of  course,  is  desirable  in  its  way,  and  penitence  is  nec- 
essary, but  mine  never  ran  in  the  pea  line ;  and  pil- 


174 


Five   Acres    too   Mitch, 


grimages  in  tight  boots  was  as  mucli  as  ever  I  could 
endure  and  retain  a  pious  frame  of  mind,  without 
adding  the  torture  of  dwarf  peas.  Patrick,  however, 
had  great  faith  in  dwarf  peas,  because  they  required 
no  bushes,  and  had  consequently  planted  little  else, 
so  that  our  taste  of  Daniel  O'Rourkes  was  tantalizing. 
After  the  latter  w^ere  gone  w^e  bought  the  peas  for 
our  table  in  the  village,  while  I  liad  tlie  satisfaction 
of  feeding  Patrick  the  dry,  tasteless  "  dwarfs"  all 
snmmer,  till  he  thought  the  "dwarf  pays  weren't 
good  at  all,  at  all." 


The   Second  Year.  175 

Our  next  crop  was  squashes.  We  had  the  earliest 
squashes  in  all  Flusliing.  Their  broad  leaves  cov- 
ered the  ground  and  reached  up  like  hands  toward 
heaven;  their  insinuating  runners  spread  in  every 
direction ;  large  yellow  flowers,  into  wliich  bumble- 
bees retired  for  honey  till  they  were  out  of  sigjit,  ap- 
peared innumerably,  and  at  last  the  creamy,  delicate 
fruit  shone  through  the  thick  foliage.  It  w^as  with 
no  little  exultation  that  I  handed  a  fine  large  ripe 
one  to  Weeville,  whose  vines  w^ere  not  nearly  so  for- 
ward. I  anticipated  his  surprise,  and  w^atched  for  its 
manifestation  with  interest.  He,  however,  thanked 
me  kindly,  but  said  he  never  ate  squashes.  This  was 
simply  the  effect  of  envy.  He  was  indignant  that 
his  scholar  should  have  been  ahead  of  him,  and  pre- 
tended he  was  merely  raising  a  few  for  the  serv- 
ants. The  excuse  w^as  a  palpable  evasion,  and  I  did 
not  allow  it  to  depress  me,  although  I  must  confess 
that  I  do  not  eat  squashes  myself.  Peas  are  fine,  es- 
pecially Daniel  O'Rourkes,  and  except  dwarfs ;  but 
squashes  are  a  miserably  w^atery  vegetable,  fit  only  to 
feed  cattle,  w^ho  will  hardly  eat  them — except  always 
when  one  raises  them  one's  self,  and  has  tlie  earliest 
in  the  neighborhood,  then  they  must  be  eaten  with  a 
relish,  and  I  did  my  best  to  keep  up  appearances. 

Our  cucumbers  were  a  marvel  of  success.     The 


176     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

water  and  musk  melons  did  not  do  so  well,  altliougli 
the  squashes  were  placed  on  one  side  of  them  and 
the  cucumbers  on  the  other.  Unfortunately,  I  do 
not  eat  cucumbers  either.  The  onions  succeeded  ad- 
mirably— almost  too  much  so,  for  Patrick,  as  I  had 
dreaded,  had  planted  about  an  acre  of  them.  I 
should  have  eaten  these,  but  there  is  a  popular  preju- 
dice against  them,  and  I  observed  that  after  indulg- 
ing in  them,  if  I  paid  a  visit,  my  lady  friends  did  not 
care  to  hear  me  whisper  sweet  nothings  into  their 
ears.  Our  turnips  and  cabbages  were  immense,  but 
it  was  never  expected  that  any  one  but  the- servants 
and  cattle  would  touch  them.  The  cauliflowers  and 
egg-plants  did  not  do  so  well.  Patrick  made  an  ef- 
fort to  sell  our  surplus  vegetables,  but  the  market 
seemed  to  be  supplied,  or  the  price  turned  out  very 
different  from  what  we  were  in  the  habit  of  paying 
when  we  purchased.  They  mostly  went  to  Cushy, 
Dandy  Jim — who  rather  turned  up  his  nose  at  them 
— and  the  pigs,  of  which  Patrick  had  purchased  an 
entire  litter. 

I  am  a  great  admirer  of  cauliflowers,  with  their 
creamy  consistency  and  delicate  flavor,  and  when 
July  arrived,  as  ours  evinced  no  desire  to  hold  up 
their  heads  and  "  blossom  like  the  rose,"  it  was  clear 
"  something  must  be  done,  and  that  shortly." 


The   Second  Year.  177 

Fresh  application  was  made  to  the  books,  but  the 
iiiforination  there  contained  was  not  quite  so  full 
and  satisfactory  as  had  been  expected.  Much  was 
said  about  cold  frames,  and  housing  young  plants  for 
the  winter,  but  very  little  that  seemed  to  meet  the 
case  in  point.  My  plants  did  not  want  any  housing 
over  winter ;  they  were  to  be  eaten  at  once,  if  they 
would  only  come  to  the  edible  point.  The  sole  diffi- 
culty was  that  they  presented  to  the  eye  nothing  that 
in  tlie  least  resembled  what  one  finds  in  market  un- 
der the  name  of  cauliflower — a  delicious  concentra- 
tion of  vegetable  cream.  There  were  leaves  and 
stalks,  but  no  flower,  and  what  precisely  the  former 
were  good  for  except  to  feed  the  cow,  neither  Pat- 
rick nor  myself  could  exactly  tell.  lie  had  a  very 
vague  idea  of  the  cause  of  the  difficulty,  and  all  that 
the  books  seemed  to  suggest  was  a  return  to  tliat 
most  useful  nourishment,  the  hquid  fertilizer. 

Our  kitchen  sink  having  been  exhausted  on  the 
strawberries,  this  had  to  be  manufactured  from  the 
refuse  of  the  chicken  coop.  It  was  not  a  refined 
idea  to  pour  such  a  filthy  compound  over  so  absorb- 
ent a  substance — in  fact,  over  any  substance  that 
was  to  be  eaten — and  the  necessity  of  success  alone 
forced  me  to  it.  But  the  plants  were  themselves 
evidently  disgusted  with  such  treatment,  and  only 
H2 


178  Five   Acres    too   M  it  c  n. 

spread  out  their  leaves  like  umbrellas  to  shield  them- 
selves from  the  offensive  showers.  We  had  a  few 
heads,  or  what  passed  for  heads ;  but  they  were  leafy 
and  rather  tough — quite  different  from  the  white 
full  heads  sold  in  market — and  we  fancied  tasted  of 
their  nourishment. 

There  seemed  to  be  a  spell  on  the  garden ;  wliat- 
ever  we  wanted  failed,  and  had  to  be  purchased  in 
the  village,  and  whatever  was  useless  grew  magnifi- 
cently. One  of  our  cucumbers  measured  two  feet  in 
length  by  one  in  circumference,  and  took  the  prize — 
a  certificate  merely — at  the  county  fair ;  but,  gener- 
ally, our  success  was  not  in  exact  accordance  with  our 
taste.  This,  of  course,  was  due  to  my  unfortunate 
absence  early  in  the  season.  It  never  does  to  leave 
such  important  matters  to  unlettered  ignorance. 
How  Adam  ever  made  out  to  earn  his  bread  in  ear- 
ly days,  without  the  aid  of  "  Ten  Acres  Enough," 
and  "  Bridgeman's  Assistant,"  is  a  puzzle.  Science 
is  our  only  salvation,  and  it  was  a  matter  of  congrat- 
ulation that  I  returned  in  time  to  apply  it  to  the 
flower  garden,  if  I  was  somewhat  late  for  the  coarser 
vegetables., 


Science.  179 


CHAPTER    XlXl. 

SCIENCE. 

T"  HAD  a  high  appreciation  of  the  siipenority  of 
-^  learning  in  cultivating  the  earth.  Beside  the 
dazzling  statements  of  the  brilliant  writers  on  agri- 
culture, the  humdrmn  notions  of  the  plodding  work- 
ers were  little  less  than  disgusting.  What  is  the  few 
bushels  of  potatoes  which  an  acre  yields  under  com- 
mon management  when  compared  with  the  hundreds 
of  barrels  wliich  it  should  give  by  scientific  appli- 
ances ?  Under  such  manipulation  the  compost  heap 
becomes  a  mountain  of  wealth,  and  morass  a  mine 
of  gold.  Of  course,  I  discussed  tliese  points  with 
Weeville,  and  impressed  upon  him  frequently  the 
great  value  of  science.  Inspired  by  tliis  feeling,  it 
is  not  sui']_)risiDg  that  none  of  my  failures  had  in  tlie 
least  disheartened  me.  I  was  still  a  firm  believer  in 
high  art,  and  studied  out  every  new  suggestion  that 
could  be  made  applicable  to  the  restricted  area  of  five 
acres.  I  had  i-ead  all  the  latest  books  on  the  farm, 
the   garden,  trees,  vegetables,  plants,  berries,  fruits, 


180  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

and  every  thing  whatever  which  the  earth  produced 
for  the  service  of  man,  except  what  pertained  to  the 
mineral  kingdom.  Xo  sooner  would  a  seed-store  is- 
sue a  new  catalogue  than  I  had  it,  and  devoured  the 
contents  for  the  purpose  of  discovering  novelties ;  I 
corresponded  with  distant  florists  for  what6'>'er  they 
produced  as  a  specialty,  or  to  obtain  their  descriptive 
catalogue,  and  I  really  began  to  feel  as  though  I  were 
a  man  of  science  myself. 

My  particular  attention  had  been  given  to  the 
flowers.  This  department  had  been  under  my  charge 
from  the  commencement,  Patrick  confining  his  exer- 
tions to  the  supply  of  edibles.  I  had  run  through 
the  general  list  of  flowers,  had  purchased  all  the 
hardy  bedding  sorts  which  could  be  obtained  ready 
to  be  set  out,  and  had  at  last  succeeded  in  compelling 
them  to  grow  in  spite  of  their  vigorous  opposition.  I 
liad  conquered  asters,  columbine,  anagallis,  Jacoboea, 
snap-dragon,  phlox,  foxglove,  Canterbury  bells,  hya- 
cinths, tulips,  crocuses,  balsams,  Callirrhoe,  coreo]3sis, 
pansies,  poppies,  lobelias,  sweet  peas,  garden  rockets, 
lai'kspurs,  verbenas,  zinnias,  and  many  more  of  the 
common  varieties,  besides  innumerable  shrubs ;  but, 
not  content  with  these,  my  attention  was  turned  to 
another  world,  a  liigher  one  to  overcome,  and  deeper 
science  to  be  applied. 


Science.  181 

Tliis  awakening  came  through  a  very  full  and  com 
plete  catalogue  and  list  of  seeds  and  plants  published 
by  a  firm  strongly  indorsed  by  the  ablest  periodical 
on  farming  in  the  country,  and  which  I  believe  in 
next  to  the  prayer-book.  Of  course,  this  approval 
was  sufficient  to  entitle  to  implicit  confidence  what 
the  seedsmen  might  say,  and  I  fairly  devoured  the 
glowing  descriptions  of  new  plants  that  this  w^ork — 
for  it  contained  some  one  hundred  and  fifty  pages — 
presented.  I  made  quite  a  large  selection  of  seeds, 
and  among  them  ordered  a  double  quantity  of  a 
strange  plant  described  in  the  following  enthusiastic 
manner : 

DATURA  (Trumpet-Flower),  Nat.  Ord.  Solanacea. — An  orna- 
mental class  of  plants,  many  of  which  possess  attractions  of  the  high- 
est order,  and  are  not  nearly  so  extensively  cultivated  as  they  ought 
to  be.  In  large  clumps  or  borders  of  shrubbery  they  produce  an  ex- 
cellent effect.  The  roots  may  be  preserved  in  sand  through  the  win- 
ter in  a  dry  cellar.     Half-hardy  perennials. 

Datura  Wrightii  {Meteloides). — A  splendid  variety,  with  bell- 
shaped  flowers  eight  inches  long,  white  bordered  with  lilac,  and 
sweet  scented ;  continues  in  bloom  from  July  to  November ;  beauti- 
ful beyond  description  ;  from  Asia. 

Here  was  a  magnificent  future — a  perennial,  with 
flowers  eight  inches  long,  "beautiful  beyond  descrip- 
tion." To  be  sure,  I  was  a  little  troubled  about  the 
name.     T  could  not  make  up  my  mind  positively 


182  Five  Ackes  too   Much. 

whether  it  was  "Datura"  or  " Meteloides."  They 
were  both  good  names,  however,  and  that,  in  science, 
is  half  the  battle.  Still,  accuracy  is  a  weakness  of 
mine,  and  it  was  unpleasant  to  call  these  new  seeds 
half  the  time  Datura,  and  the  other  half  Meteloides. 
But  I  felt  that,  under  either  appellation,  they  were 
invaluable,  and  I  carefully  concealed  the  possession 
of  the  new  treasure,  that  I  might  at  last  have  a  satis- 
factory triumph  over  Weeville,  who,  with  his  practi- 
cal and  most  incomprehensibly  successful  mode  of 
gardening,  was  quite  a  thorn  in  my  scientific  side. 
The  papers  inclosing  the  purchase  contained  minute 
directions  for  its  cultivation,  and  I  followed  these 
most  exactly,  resolved  that  tliere  should  be  no  failure 
this  time,  if  the  strictest  attention  could  prevent  it. 
I  supervised  the  preparation  of  the  hot-bed  personal- 
ly ;  I  saw  that  the  material  was  properly  turned  over 
and  worked,  and  the  mould  carefully  prepared ;  and 
two  distinct  sowings  were  made,  so  that  in  case  any 
untoward  accident  happened  to  one,  the  other  might 
succeed. 

Anxiously  I  waited  the  issue,  and  my  exultation 
may  be  imagined  wlien  both  came  up.  Datura,  even 
in  its  earliest  stages,  exhibited  its  aristocratic  extrac- 
tion. There  is  usually  some  little  difficulty  in  distin- 
guishing a  youthful  weed  from  a  plant  by  its  mere 


S  CI  K  N  C  E.  183 

appearance;  but  Meteloides  was  peculiarly  elega?2t 
and  graceful.  The  first  leaves  were  not  two  coarse 
lol)es,  but  long,  slender,  delicate,  and  refined  spears 
of  a  pale  green  color,  supported  by  a  tall,  spare  stalk. 
They  gathered  strength  slow^ly,  and,  under  assiduous 
care,  frequent  w^atering,  and  careful  sliading  from 
the  sun,  became  robust,  and  finally  put  forth  the  per- 
manent foliage.  There  were  a  good  many  of  them ; 
in  fact,  they  took  up  a  considerable  share  of  my  hot- 
bed, and  they  soon  began  to  grow  large  and  strong, 
till  I  could  hardly  wait  for  the  warm  weather  to 
transplant  them  into  the  garden.  This  change  was 
also  effected  with  the  utmost  precaution,  dull  or 
rainy  days  being  selected ;  and  so  determined  was  I 
to  oversee  every  step  myself,  that  a  slight  rheumatism 
remains  to  remind  me  of  the  circumstance. 

However,  my  labors  were  rew^arded,  and,  once  es- 
tablished in  the  garden,  the  Daturas  began  to  grow 
vigorously.  If  they  occupied  considerable  room  in 
the  hot-bed,  they  demanded  still  more  in  the  open 
air,  and  the  assurance  of  a  wonderful  abundance  was 
no  longer  questionable,  the  only  doubt  remaining  as 
to  whether  there  would  be  place  for  the  other  inhab- 
itants. Still,  it  was  apparent  that  flowers  "eight 
inches  long,  of  white  bordered  with  lilac,  and  sweet 
scented,"  could  hardly  be  surpassed,  and  that  it  was 


184     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

impossible  to  have  too  many  of  a  plant  which  was 
"beautiful  beyond  description,"  and  the  roots  of 
which  could  "  be  preserved  in  sand  through  the  win- 
ter," and  secure  a  succession  of  loveliness  for  years 
to  come.  As  the  foliage  expanded  and  the  branches 
spread,  the  difference  between  this  plant  and  the  oth- 
ers, its  neighbors,  became  more  and  more  apparent. 
It  was  certainly  remarkable,  and,  the  ground  having 
been  doubly  enriched  to  receive  it,  it  grew  amaz- 
ingly. 

Precisely  at  what  point  in  its  existence  doubts 
about  Meteloides  arose  in  my  mind,  I  can  not  say ; 
and,  although  they  were  pooh-poohed  and  discarded 
at  first,  tliey  pressed  themselves  upon  me,  and  forced 
me  to  notice  a  very  strange  and  unpleasant  resem- 
blance. These  suspicions  grew  stronger  as  the  Da- 
turas grew  larger,  and  when  the  latter  began  to  over- 
shadow all  the  other  flowers,  the  former  became  pain- 
fully oppressive.  I  began  to  suspect  that  my  new 
purchase  was  not  all  right,  and  awaited  anxiously  the 
appearance  of  those  flowers  "  eight  inches  long."  To 
be  sure,  it  was  an  immense  reassurance  to  recall  the 
words  of  the  catalogue,  and  to  read  over  the  indorse- 
ment of  the  seedsmen  in  the  w^ell-know^n  agricultural 
paper,  which  was  most  severe  on  humbugs ;  and  I  felt 
that  mj  doubts  were  so  unworthy  that  I  was  careful 


Science.  185 

never  to  mention  them,  but  awaited  patiently  the 
denouement.  Unfortmiately,  at  this  precise  moment 
of  suspense,  Weeville  called  to  see  me ;  and  although 
I  endeavored  to  distract  his  attention — for  his  way 
was  always  so  painfully  abrupt — and  tried  to  beguile 
him  with  the  seductions  of  tlie  mint-bed,  one  of  his 
first  questions  w^as, 

"  Well,  how  goes  on  the  garden  ?  Have  you  dis- 
covered any  new  w^ay  of  growing  beans  wrong  end 
up,  or  inducing  potatoes  to  produce  a  dozen  sprouts 
to  eveiy  eye  ?" 

I  replied  that  my  garden  was  getting  along  very 
well ;  and  when  he  insisted  upon  a  personal  inspec- 
tion, that  he  might  get  a  lesson  or  two  in  science,  as 
he  expressed  it,  I  did  my  best  to  lead  him  to  the  veg- 
etable department.  But  the  attempt  was  vain.  He 
spied  my  strange  flowers  at  once,  and  hastened  di- 
rectly toward  a  Datura  with  an  expression  of  coun- 
tenance that  was  far  from  reassuring. 

"What  on  earth  have  you  got  there?"  he  burst 
forth,  before  he  was  near  the  plant,  so  that  I,  skill- 
fully pretending  to  misunderstand  him,  and  assum- 
ing that  his  question  applied  to  a  shrub  near  by,  re- 
plied, 

"  Oil,  that  is  a  spinea.  A  handsome  one,  is  it  not  ? 
Growing  finely ;  it  will  soon  cover  the  entire  path." 


186      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

"  I  don't  mean  that — " 
;    "  By  the  way,"  I  inquired,  interrupting  him, "  have 
you  any  egg-plants  to  spare  ?     Ours  are  not  as  suc- 
cessful as  they  ought  to  be." 

"  Yes,  yes ;  plenty.  But  I  want  to  know  why  you 
have  filled  your  garden — " 

"  Walk  this  way,  if  you  please,"  I  again  broke  in. 
"  There's  a  remarkably  pretty  double  Jacobcea  that  I 
should  like  to  show  you." 

"  In  a  minute ;  but  tell  me  first — " 

"  And  our  Lima  beans,  they  are  really  remarkable; 
and  such  carrots  and  turnips,  to  say  nothing  of  many 
other  excellent  vegetables." 

I  was  becoming  a  little  incoherent,  and  not  stick- 
ing to  the  absolute  and  naked  truth,  for  Weeville  was 
not  to  be  moved.  He  stopped  resolutely  before  a 
wonderful  specimen  of  Datura,  and  said  positively, 

"  Before  I  go  any  where  else,  I  want  to  know  what 
you  call  that?" 

"  Oh,  that,"  I  replied,  with  affected  indifference, 
"  that  is  a  Datura." 

As  he  broke  into  unpleasantly  convulsive  laughter, 
I  added,  hastily, 

"  I  mean  to  say  Meteloides."  As  he  still  appeared 
unconvinced  and  somewhat  choked  with  merriment, 
I  further  explained :  "  Datura  Wrightii  Meteloides ; 


Science.  187 

a  plant  whicli  ouglit  to  be  more  extensively  culti- 
vated ;  bears  flowers  eight  inches  long,  white  bor- 
dered with  lilac,  sweet  scented,  beautiful  beyond  de- 
scription." 

"  Beautiful !"  he  shouted ;  "  sweet  scented !  Why, 
that  is  a  stink-w^eed.  If  you  don't  believe  me,  just 
touch  it." 

It  w^as.  I  am  sorry  to  confess  the  fact,  but  my 
fears  and  suspicions  w^ere  confirmed.  I  had  suc- 
ceeded in  producing  about  a  hundred  stink- weeds. 
There  is  one  disadvantage  about  science,  which  con- 
sists in  the  difficidty  of  understanding  it.  Datura 
and  Meteloides  are  so  little  like  stink-weed  that  the 
common  mind  could  hardly  connect  the  two  together, 
although  the  latter  have  sweet-scented  flowers  eight 
inches  long.  Moreover,  I  had  supposed  that  stramo- 
nium was  the  learned  name,  but  it  would  appear  that 
science  had  altered  that.  It  was  a  good  deal  of 
trouble  to  get  rid  of  those  Daturas.  I  could  not 
touch  them,  for  by  either  name  they  smelt  equally, 
although  not  absolutely  sweet.  It  w^as  out  of  the 
question  to  pull  them  up,  and  almost  as  diflicult  to 
cut  them  dowm.  During  the  operation  of  their  re- 
moval they  gave  forth  an  odor  which  seemed  to  me 
quite  a  satisfactory  reason  why  they  were  not  more 
"  extensively  cultivated,"  and  which  rivaled  the  best 


188 


Five   Acres   too   Much. 


efforts  of  the  American  civet,  an  animal  vulgarly 
known  by  a  more  plebeian  name.  When  they  were 
finally  eradicated  the  garden  looked  quite  bare,  and 
a  fresh  application  had  to  be  made  to  the  florists  for 
bedding  plants  to  fill  up  the  vacancies.  I  still  be- 
lieve in  science,  but  seedsmen  should  be  more  full  in 
their  descriptions  or  more  careful  in  their  selections ; 
certainly  stink- weeds  are  not  very  desirable  flowers, 
even  under  the  romantic  name  Datura  or  Mete- 
loides. 


Fairy  Tales   for   Little   Folks.   189 


CHAPTER   XIY. 

A   SECOND   DIGRESSION — FAIRY    TALES    FOR   LITTLE 
FOLKS. 

"1  TY  ^ve  acres  at  Flushing  were  located  on  the 
top  of  a  hill  called  Monkey  Hill ;  why  so  called 
I  can  not  imagine,  for  there  was  never  a  monkey 
seen  there  since  the  earliest  recollection  of  the  first 
inhabitant ;  nor  could  it  have  been  from  the  w^ant  of 
monkeys,  as  that  is  so  common  a  deficiency  on  Long 
Island.  To  be  sure,  there  is  a  settlement  of  Irish  on 
one  declivity  near  the  salt  meadow;  but  even  sup- 
posing that,  by  a  stretch  of  the  imagination.  Irishmen 
can  be  converted  into  monkeys,  that  is  of  compara- 
tively modern  date,  whereas  our  Dutch  ancestiy 
named  the  hill  generations  back.  Nevertlieless,  the 
hill  is  Monkey  Hill,  and  the  settlement  is  Monkey 
Town. 

I  wander  through  Monkey  Town  occasionally,  ad- 
mire the  originality  of  its  Celtic  architecture,  puz- 
zling myself  over  the  buildings  to  find  out  which  are 
pig-pens  and  wliich  are  houses — for  the  pig-pens  are 


190  Five   Acres   too   Much. 

so  like  houses,  and  the  houses  are  so  like  pig-pens, 
that  it  is  hard  to  tell  them  apart — and  enter  into  con- 
versation with  my  fellow-citizens  of  Irish  extraction. 
I  am  very  affable.  I  pat  tlie  girls  on  their  towy 
heads,  and  praise  the  boys  for  stout  young  lads,  in 
the  vague  hope  that  the  parents  may  not  tear  down 
ni}^  fences,  nor  let  their  children  rob  my  future  ap- 
ple-trees or  steal  my  pumpkins. 

During  one  of  my  visits  I  was  much  attracted  by 
an  old  crone  who  wore  spectacles.  Spectacles  are 
not  unbecoming  to  some  people ;  they  lend  an  air  of 
maturity  to  youth,  and  even  improve  an  elderly  lady 
reading  her  Bible ;  but  worn  permanently  by  a  very 
wrinkled  old  woman,  w^ith  a  very  long  nose  and  very 
sharp  chin,  they  have  a  bewitching  effect  that,  in 
Massachusetts,  would  insure  the  culprit's  early  de- 
cease at  the  stake.  I  made  immediate  advances  to 
that  spectacled  female,  whose  age  might  have  been 
any  where  from  a  hundred  and  fifty  to  three  hun- 
dred, in  the  firm  conviction  that  her  conversation 
would  be  interesting  and  improving ;  nor  was  I  mis- 
taken, for  the  intimacy  engendered  by  a  few  visits 
induced  her  to  confide  in  me  the  following  story  rel- 
ative to  a  small,  round,  muddy  pond,  that  has  neither 
outlet  or  inlet,  but  which  is  always  full,  or  nearly  so, 
of  water,  and  which  lies  across  the  main  road  over 


Fairy  Tales   fok  Little  Folks.  191 

against  my  premises.  I  can  not  give  the  old  crone's 
language,  nor  could  she  probably  give  the  real  lan- 
guage of  the  parties  in  action,  for  it  was  undoubted- 
ly Dutch ;  nor  can  I  convey  an  idea  of  her  halting, 
thougli  impressive  manner;  but  the  story,  having 
come  direct  through  the  broomstick  fraternity,  is 
doubtless  true  in  every  particular,  and  may  be  en- 
titled 

LIVE-GEESE  FEATHERS. 

On  the  sloping  bank  near  that  little  pond  there 
dwelt,  ages  ago,  an  old  man  and  his  wife. "  Tlie  situ- 
ation was  pleasant,  and  would  have  been  handsome 
— for  the  trees  were  more  numerous  then  than  now 
— if  the  edge  of  the  bank  had  been  covered  with  its 
natural  sod ;  but  the  trampling  of  geese  and  ducks 
had  long  ago  worn  away  the  vegetation  to  the  bare 
earth.  The  water  was  not  over  clear,  and  the  scum 
tliat  here  and  there  floated  about,  innoxious  as  it 
might  be  to  the  feathered  tribes,  w^as  not  agreeable 
to  the  human  eye.  In  fact,'  the  pond  would  have 
been  unceremoniously  termed  a  duck-pond,  althougli 
it  was  mainly  appropriated  to  geese.  Yes,  the  old 
man  and  his  w^ife  made  their  daily  bread  by  raising 
geese.  Not  only  did  the  old  fellow  count  upon  the 
sale  of  the  goose  for  food,  but  several  times  a  year 
did  he  pluck  the  feathers ;  and  on  a  large  sign,  in 


192  Five   Acres   too  Much. 

whitish  though  somewhat  weather-worn  letters,  he 
had  inscribed  "  Live-Geese  Feathees." 

The  truth  must  be  told,  as  it  always  should,  and 
old  Marrott  had  for  twenty  years,  four  times  a  year, 
cruelly  plucked  their  feathers  from  the  living  geese. 
With  the  most  unfeeling  barbarity,  he  put  them  to 
awful  tortures,  tearing  from  their  reeking  bodies 
the  natural  covering — and  all  that  he  and  his  wife 
might  not  starve.  How  diabolical  must  have  been 
the  wretch !  Little  did  he  heed  the  poor  creatures 
w^ien  their  cries,  plainly  as  w^ords,  begged  and  im- 
plored mercy ;  little  did  he  pause  when,  finding  re- 
monstrance vain,  they  made  violent  struggles  to  es- 
cape, and  flapped  their  wdngs,  and  dashed  themselves 
about ;  little  remorse  did  his  merciless  heart  experi- 
ence provided  the  feathers  were  numerous  and  of 
good  quality ;  and  if  two  or  three  died  from  the  tor- 
ture and  exposure,  what  did  he  care,  provided  he 
could  sell  their  remains  for  food.  Was  it  not  a 
wonder  that  he  had  been  permitted  to  carry  on  his 
inhuman  practice  so  long?  But  his  punishment 
came  at  last. 

Among  his  flock  w^as  one,  aged  and  venerable,  that 
he  liad  owned  from  the  very  beginning,  and  w^hich 
had  been  plucked  upward  of  eighty  times.  In  his 
earlier  days  that  gander  had  struggled,  and  cried, 


Fairy  Tales   for  L  i  t  t  l  p:  Folks.  193 

and  besought  like  the  others,  but  in  time  he  liad 
come  to  passive  endurance,  although  there  was  a  pe- 
culiar iire  in  his  eye,  that,  if  Marrott  had  noticed, 
would  have  quickened  even  his  dull  sense.  He  had 
been  a  noble-looking  bird — the  lord  of  the  flock — 
but  age  and  ill  usage  had  worn  him  away  to  a  huge 
gaunt  skeleton.  His  body  was  in  many  places  bare, 
the  feathers  had  been  plucked  so  often ;  his  proud 
step  had  fallen  away  to  an  awkward  shuffle,  and,  but 
for  the  gleam  of  his  eye,  no  one  would  have  dreamed 
he  had  once  been  a  king  of  birds,  so  sorry  was  his 
plight.  The  plucking  season  had  almost  come  round 
again,  and  already  the  geese  —  for  long  experience 
had  accustomed  them  co  the  time — began  to  tremble 
in  their  feathers ;  already  they  had  serious  thoughts 
of  rebellion  or  flight,  and  their  loud  cackling  when- 
ever their  master  appeared  very  clearly  evinced  their 
terror. 

One  night  Mother  Marrott  had  gone  to  tiie  market 
with  a  number  of  eggs  to  sell,  and  had  left  the  old 
man  alone.  She  was  not  to  be  back  till  next  day — 
for  it  was  a  long  journey  to  the  city  in  those  times, 
before  railroads  were  invented,  and  when  the  travel- 
er had  no  horse — and,  as  her  husband  sat  in  the  even- 
ing by  the  faint,  flickering  light  of  the  tallow  candle, 
the  most  painful  apprehensions  took  possession  of 

I 


194  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

what  must  be  called  his  mind.  Strange  ghost  and 
goose  like  sounds  passed  round  and  round  the  old 
house.  Ever  and  anon  from  the  poultry-yard  came 
curious  low  noises,  as  of  suppressed  conversational 
cackling,  and  the  wind  sighed  with  a  hissing  sound, 
while  his  shadow  fell  in  all  sorts  of  odd  and  uncouth 
shapes  upon  the  wall,  as  little  like  himself  and  much 
like  a  goose  as  could  be.  In  fact,  it  seemed  as 
though  there  was  the  dim  outline  of  a  goose  trying 
to  conceal  itself  in  his  shadow.  lie  was  afraid  to 
look  at  it  fairly,  but  he  could  see  from  the  corner  of 
his  eye  that  it  was  something  uncommon.  There 
w^as  but  one  refuge — bed ;  he  hastened  to  undress, 
but  his  clothes  had  never  before  made  such  objection 
to  being  taken  off.  He  was  afraid  to  pull  his  shirt 
over  his  head — he  w^as  confident  it  would  catch  rovmd 
his  throat — so  he  left  it  on.  Amid  his  trepidation 
he  resolved  to  keep  the  liglit  burning ;  but,  just  as 
he  w^ent  to  snuff  it,  an  audible  hiss  resounded  from 
the  chimney  corner,  and  in  an  instant  he  snuffed  it 
out.  Then  he  leaped  into  bed,  and  hid  his  liead 
below  the  bedclothes,  glad  of  the  refuge. 

There  he  lay  still,  while  his  heart  beat  so  loud  that 
it  seemed  to  shake  the  room.  The  unusual  noises 
increased  even  above  its  beating,  and  still  more  omi- 
nous sounds  were  heard.    The  windows  rattled,  the 


Fairy  Tales   for  Little  Folks.  195 

door  creaked,  the  fire  crackled,  the  wind  whistled. 
Horror  on  horrors!  the  door  opened!  unquestiona- 
bly it  swung  open,  and  the  cold  night  air  rushed  in. 
For  a  moment  afterward  all  was  silent,  then  pat,  pat, 
pat  went  little  feet  across  the  floor.  Yes,  above  the 
rattling  and  the  creaking  could  his  sharpened  senses 
detect  the  unearthly  tread  of  those  little  feet — pat, 
pat,  pat.  They  seemed  now  to  pause  before  the  fire. 
Pat,  pat,  pat,  they  walk  to  the  window.  Then  pat, 
pat,  pat,  they  approached  the  bed.  Old  Marrott 
shivered,  but  it  was  not  with  cold  this  time ;  old 
Marrott  shrank  down,  but  it  was  not  to  avoid  the 
night  air. 

He  hoped  he  would  escape  observation ;  but  no ; 
there  w^as  a  rustle,  and  something  rested  on  the  bed. 
The  old  man's  breath  came  thick  and  fast.  Sudden- 
ly the  covers  were  dragged  from  off  him,  and  as  he 
sprang  up  to  a  sitting  posture  a  fearful  sight  met  his 
eyes.  There,  upon  the  foot  of  the  bed,  stood  the  old 
gander,  with  one  end  of  the  bedclothes  in  his  mouth. 
There  he  stood,  grim  and  silent,  and  now  the  old 
man  saw  but  too  plainly  the  revengeful  glow  of  his 
piercing  eye.  Around  and  behind  him  were  feath- 
ers— millions  of  feathers — the  same  that  Iiad  been 
plucked  from  him  during  his  long  life.  Tliey  had 
all  arrived  for  that  night  ctf  vengeance.     Some  had 


196  Five   Acres    too    M  u  c  pi. 

come  from  ladies'  beds  and  some  from  lawyers' 
desks,  some  from  lovers'  hands  and  some  from  glut- 
tons' teeth.  There  they  were  floating  to  and  fro  in 
the  air,  and  awaiting  the  orders  of  their  parent,  the 
gander. 

The  gander  looked  sternly  at  the  trembling  cul- 
prit, who  clasped  his  hands  and  tried  to  think  of  a 
prayer;  but  his  j)rayers  had  been  forgotten  long  ago. 
Then  it  stretched  out  its  neck  till  its  head  was  close 
to  his,  and  it  uttered  a  low  hiss.  That  hiss  had  the 
sound  of  a  human  voice.  But  what  was  the  old 
man's  dread  and  fright  when  the  goose  drew  back 
and  commenced  to  speak  as  follows : 

"  For  this  many  and  many  a  year,"  he  said,  and 
his  voice  had  plainly  a  foreign  accent, "  I  have  lived 
wn'thin  your  power.  I  have  endured  all  the  cruelties 
your  malice  could  inflict.  What  excuse  have  you  to 
offer  r 

The  old  man's  teeth  chattered  so  that  he  could 
scarcely  reply,  while  a  fresh-sharpened  pen  from  a 
merchant's  hand  started  forward  and  enforced  the 
question  with  a  deep  thrust. 

"  Oh !  oh !"  screamed  poor  Marrott,  his  wits  on  the 
stretch ;  "  I  only  did  it  to  get  my  living." 

"  What !  Hard-hearted  man !  could  you  not  liave 
stripped  us  after  death,  instead  of  torturing  us  while 


Fairy  Talks   for  Little  Folks.  197 


alive  ?"  and  then  three  (pills  fell  upon  him,  and 
came  away  dyed  in  liis  blood. 

"  Oh,  mercy !  I  could  not  obtain  enough  feath- 
ers tliat  way,"  replied  Marrott,  scarcely  conscious  of 
what  he  was  saying. 

"  Was  it  avarice,  then  ?  Is  that  your  explanation  ? 
Do  you  imagine  that  an  excuse  which  rather  aggra- 
vates your  crime  ?"  and  a  dozen  feathers  enforced 
the  gander's  words,  amid  the  cries  of  the  miserable 
victim. 


198      Five  Acres  too  Much. 

"  Every  one  does  the  same !"  he  shrieked  in  his 
agony. 

^'  If  every  one  else  is  cruel,  is  that  a  reason  you 
should  be  ?  Ought  you  not  rather  to  have  drawn  a 
better  moral  from  their  vicious  example  V  and  again 
the  plumes  plunged  into  his  flesh,  for  he  was  but  lit- 
tle protected  against  such  an  attack. 

"  Oh,  murder !  murder !  The  feathers  of  dead  geese 
are  not  w^orth  as  much  as  tliose  of  live,"  he  cried  out, 
the  tortin*e  getting  the  better  of  his  prudence. 

Tliis  answer  was  too  unfeeling  for  the  gander  and 
his  followers  to  endure.  They  dashed,  one  and  all, 
upon  the  old  man,  who  leaped  from  the  bed  and 
took  to  flight.  They  followed,  and  now,  when  they 
jDlunged  into  his  body,  the  feathers  remained  sticking 
there.  They  pursued  liim  round  the  yard,  w^hile  he 
fought  with  liis  arms,  and  cried,  and  begged,  much  as 
the  geese  had  flapped,  and  fluttered,  and  cackled  be- 
fore. The  rest  of  the  flock  joined  in  the  hunt,  and 
bit  the  flesh  from  his  bare  legs,  and  beat  liim  with 
their  wings,  till  the  old  man  sank  in  a  swoon.  Then 
the}^  spread  their  wings,  and  soared  far,  far  out  of 
sight. 

Next  day,  when  Dame  Marrott  returned,  wliat  was 
her  astonishment  to  And  the  house-door  open,  and  to 
see  her  husband's  clothes  scattered  about  upon  the 


Fairy  Tales   for  Li  t t l  k   F o l k  r.  199 

floor,  while  he  was  nowhere  to  be  found.  She  called, 
but  there  w^as  no  answer.  The  place  seemed  unnsu- 
ally  silent,  and  tliere  was  no  noise  from  the  fowls. 
Slie  went  to  tlie  poultry-yard ;  no  geese  were  to  be 
seen.  She  called  them,  as  if  to  be  fed ;  tliey  did  not 
come.  She  began  to  search,  and  then  she  found  one 
poor  goose  stretclied  upon  the  ground,  bloody  and 
half  dead.  What  did  it  mean  ?  She  took  him  up  and 
carried  him  in,  to  revive  him  by  the  fire.  Little  did 
she  dream  that  she  bore  her  husband  in  her  arms. 
She  rubbed  and  caressed  him  till  he  came  to  him- 
self, and  then,  for  the  first,  did  the  old  man  know 
what  had  befallen  him.  lie  was  clianged  to  a  gan- 
der ;  he  tried  to  speak — a  loud  hiss  alone  issued  from 
liis  mouth.  He  tried  to  gesticulate — he  could  only 
flap  his  wings.  lie  walked  hastily  up  and  down ;  he 
pulled  at  the  dame's  frock,  who  was  now  busied  with 
other  things,  and  he  thrust  his  bill  in  her  lap,  till  she, 
alarmed  at  such  proceedings,  drove  him  from  the 
house.  How  miserable  was  now  his  lot !  how  sorely 
he  repented  of  his  past  wickedness !  He  approached 
other  geese  of  the  neiglibors,  but  they  either  fled  from 
him,  or  fell  upon  and  beat  him.  He  was  compelled 
to  remain  solitary  and  miserable,  with  no  one  to 
wliom  he  could  confide  his  sorrows. 

But  the  worst  was  to  come.     His  wife,  aftei-  won- 


200  Five   Acres   too   M  u  c  h. 

dering  what  had  become  of  her  husband,  conchided 
that  "  he  was  such  an  old  goose  he  had  got  drowned 
in  the  creek ;"  and,  as  it  was  plucking-time,  and  she 
had  nothing  else  to  divert  her  mind,  she  determined 
to  pluck  the  only  one  of  the  flock  remaining.  Oh, 
what  dreadful  torments  did  the  poor  gander  endure, 
and  from  the  hands  of  her  he  loved !  How  he 
shrieked !  how  he  struggled !  What  agonizing  efforts 
he  made  to  speak,  but  in  vain !  The  old  woman, 
only  too  well  accustomed  to  her  business,  held  him 
fast,  and  tore  out  feather  after  feather ;  and,  although 
she  thought  more  blood  than  usual  flow^ed  from  the 
w^ounds,  she  did  not  worry  herself  about  that.  It  was 
now  his  turn  to  endure  those  tortures  he  had  so  often 
inflicted — tortures  tenfold  increased  from  the  greater 
tenderness  of  his  flesh.  When  the  task  was  finished, 
he  lay  bleeding,  and  agonized,  and  scarce  able  to 
move.  He  waddled  slowly  down  to  the  pond,  and 
the  cool  water  assuaged  his  wounds.  But  what  was 
his  dread,  and  his  wife's  delight,  when  he  saw  his 
featliers  growing  again  with  astounding  rapidity! 
In  two  wrecks  they  were  quite  large,  and  in  two  more 
he  was  in  condition  to  pluck  again.  What  a  life  was 
before  him,  to  be  doomed  every  month  to  excrucia- 
ting sufferings,  and  that  from  one  who  was  moummg 
for  her  husband  at  every  pang  she  gave  him. 


Fairy  Talp^s   for  Little  Folks.  201 

'  But  tlie  dame  grew  rich.  In  lier  one  goose  she 
had  an  exliaustless  treasure.  He  cost  little  to  keep, 
and  tlie  more  she  plucked,  the  more  there  was  for 
next  month.  She  built  a  new  house,  and  then,  for- 
getting her  husband,  ideas  of  a  fresh  marriage  sug- 
gested themselves  to  her.  There  was  a  young  man 
soon  found  to  marry  her  for  her  wealth,  and  what 
was  her  old  husband's  misery  to  think  that  his  tor- 
ments purchased  her  a  new  bridegroom!  But  this 
husband  was  a  worthless  fellow,  much  given  to  drink, 
and,  in  a  fit  of  intoxication,  he  killed  the  old  goose, 
from  which  all  their  luxuries  flowed.  Poverty  came 
upon  them,  and,  ere  long,  the  dame  had  no  feathers 
to  sell,  and  was  forced  to  dispose  of  her  house  and 
her  land,  pond  included,  and  to  take  down  the  sign  of 


Whether  this  story  is  positively  and  literally  true, 
I  can  not  say  of  my  own  knowledge,  not  having  been 
born  till  one  or  more  centuries  after  it  is  supposed  to 
have  happened ;  but  there  are  many  pieces  of  corrob- 
orative evidence  that  go  to  maintain  its  entire  accord- 
ance with  fact.  Whether  the  geese  really  spoke  is 
to  be  doubted,  and  the  conversation  may  have  been 
merely  a  dream — the  effect  of  a  bad  supper  on  a 
worse  conscience — but  that  they  flew  away  can  not 

12 


202  F I V  E  Acres   too   M  u  c  it. 

be  questioned,  for  the  pond  is  there,  and  I  have  vis- 
ited it  often,  and  never  saw  a  goose  near  it.  It  is 
well  known  that  feathei-s  are  plucked  from  the  living 
geese,  and,  as  the  sign  is  no  longer  up,  it  is  fair  to 
presume  it  must  have  been  taken  down.  So,  with 
the  foundation  of  the  pond,  which  still  exists,  to  start 
upon,  and  with  the  absence  of  the  sign  and  the  ad- 
mitted probability  of  the  geese,  we  have  a  strong 
case  without  the  positive  assertion  of  my  informant, 
who  insisted  she  had  been  there,  and  whom  I  shrewd- 
ly suspected  to  be  Dame  Marrott  herself,  converted 
by  glamourie  from  a  Dutch  vrow  into  an  Irish  crone. 
As  this  legend  lends  a  double  charm  and  greatly-en- 
hanced value  to  the  property  in  the  neighborhood  of 
the  pond,  the  interests  of  my  five  acres  and  their 
owner  could  not  permit  it  to  be  lost. 


K  IT  I  S  A  N  C  E  6,  1  .\  II  L'  M  A  N    AND    II  IJ  MAN.      208 


CHAPTER    XV. 

NUISANCES,  INHUMAN  AND  HUMAN. — PETS — THE   CHARM 
OF    COUNTRY    LIFE. 

^ill/fTTSQQITOES!  You'll  never  be  troubled 
^  with  tliein.  You  may  be  surprised  to  hear 
it,  but  musquitoes  at  Flushing  never  come  into  the 
house.  They  will  often  be  plenty  outside,  but  they 
disappear  the  moment  your  foot  touches  the  jjiazza. 
Another  strange  thing  about  them  is,  that  they  may 
be  abundant  in  the  grass,  and,  as  you  walk  through, 
may  rise  up  in  thousands,  but  they  seem  to  be  fright- 
ened at  man,  and  fly  away  at  once  without  waiting 
to  bite.  It  is  my  opinion  they  get  some  other  kind 
of  food,  and  are  too  well  supplied  to  overcome  the 
instinctive  animal  repugnance  to  a  human  being." 

Thus  remarked  Weeville,  in  his  usual  enthusiastic 
way  over  every  thing  that "  lives,  moves,  or  lias  its 
being"  in  or  about  Flushing,  and  no  one  who  heard 
liim  could  doubt  for  a  moment  his  firm  conviction  in 
the  entire  accuracy  of  his  statements.    Historic  truth. 


204     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

however,  compels  me  to  admit  tliat  liis  views  were 
not  entirely  borne  out  by  experience ;  for,  although 
Flusliing  musquitoes  have  amiable  tempers  for  mus- 
quitoes,  they  do  occasionally  bite. 

But  if  the  musquitoes  are  not  bad  in  this  delecta- 
ble spot,  another  torment  exists,  which,  in  spite  of 
learned  arguments  proving  its  utility  to  man,  is  cer- 
tainly trying — flies  are  occasionally  abundant.  Now 
it  may  be  that  flies  are  great  scavengers,  and  save  us 
from  epidemics,  and  noxious  smells,  and  dangerous 
vapors,  and  that  their  presence  is  a  sure  indication  of 
a  healthy  locality ;  but  in  the  early  morning,  when 
one  is  in  bed,  enjoying  that  most  enjoyable  season 
for  sleep — the  forbidden  hours  between  sunrise  and 
eight  o'clock  —  two  or  three  hundred  flies  buzzing 
about,  alighting  on  one's  face,  crawling  into  one's 
nostrils,  tickling  every  inch  of  exposed  skin,  are  ag- 
gravating enough.  In  saying  two  or  three  hundred, 
I  do  not  wish  to  be  understood  as  positively  confining 
myself  to  that  number  for  the  reputation  of  the  place 
and  the  salability  of  my  Ave  acres  of  lots.  I  w^isli  to 
avoid  exaggerating,  and  there  may  have  been  two  or 
three  thousand. 

After  they  had  routed  me  out  of  bed  at  an  hour 
when  there  was  nothing  whatever  to  do — for  the  dai- 
ly papers  can  not  be  obtained  in  Flushing  before 


Nuisances,  Inhuman  and  Human.    205 

half  past  seven  o'clock  —  they  pursued  me  all  day 
long.  They  crawled  into  the  cream,  they  scalded 
themselves  to  death  in  my  coffee,  they  clambered 
over  the  butter,  dragging  their  greasy  legs  heavily 
and  slowly ;  they  planted  themselves  on  my  paper  if  I 
tried  to  write ;  they  filled  up  my  inkstand  and  clogged 
the  ink ;  they  scratched  in  my  hair,  selecting  the  ten- 
derest  and  least  thickly  covered  spots,  and  always  re- 


turning to  them  after  being  frightened  away ;  and 
when,  exhausted  with  loss  of  rest  and  worn  out  with 


206  Five  A  c  r  p:  s    too   Much. 

their  attacks,  I  endeavored  to  take  a  nap,  they  fell 
upon  me  and  banished  sleep  from  my  eyes. 

"  Flies !"  said  Weeville,  when  he  heard  of  my  mis- 
eries ;  "  why  do  you  not  kill  them  off  ?  I  used  to  be 
troubled  with  them,  but  I  bought  some  of  the  gray 
fly-paper — Berensohn's  lightning-killer  —  and  soon 
brought  matters  to  an  issue.  The  very  first  day  we 
killed  forty  or  fifty,  and  the  girl  swept  them  up  in  the 
kitchen  by  tea-cups  full :  the  supply  was  not  equal  to 
the  demand,  and  I  have  not  been  w^aked  by  a  fly 
since.  What  a  comfort  it  is  to  sleep  through  the 
morning  in  peace,  and  not  a  single  buzz !" 

Before  night  I  had  the  famous  death-dealer,  and, 
according  to  directions,  set  it  out  in  saucers,  covered 
with  a  little  water,  and  watched  complacently,  and 
with  somewhat  of  an  about-to-be-gratified  revengeful 
feeling  in  my  breast,  for  the  result.  I  w^aited  and 
waited;  the  flies  buzzed,  and  crawled,  and  tickled, 
but  not  one  went  near  the  fatal  saucer;  in  every  part 
of  the  room  were  they  except  in  that  spot.  They 
crawled  up  and  down  the  walls,  they  perched  on  the 
ceiling,  they  committed  suicide  in  the  water-pitcher, 
they  collected  in  masses  on  the  crumbs  lying  about, 
and  chased  one  another  around  in  playful  and  ama- 
tory mood,  but  touch  that  saucer  they  did  not.  I 
moved  it  from  place  to  place,  and  set  it  near  where 


N  U  I  8  A  N  C  E  S,  I  N  II  U  M  A  N    AND    II  L  M  A  N.     207 

they  were  thickest,  but  they  only  flew  hurriedly 
away  with  louder  buzz,  as  much  as  to  say, "  Get  out 
with  your  old  fly-killer."  In  a  rage,  I  caught  some 
and  threw  them  into  the  poisoned  chalice,  but  they 
whisked  out  again  with  a  shake  of  their  wings,  and 
went  off  as  diabolically  busy  and  buzzy  as  ever.  I 
poured  out  some  of  the  water,  fearing  the  attraction 
was  too  much  diluted ;  then,  finding  that  that  did 
not  answer,  I  added  an  extra  quantity,  but  the  result 
was  the  same.  The  only  part  of  the  room  entirely 
free  from  flies  was  the  neighborhood  of  the  fly-paper. 
I  was  in  despair  till  a  happy  thought  struck  me :  tak- 
ing two  of  the  sheets,  which  are  conveniently  stuck 
together  at  the  edges,  I  laid  them  over  m}^  face  and 
composed  myself  to  sleep.  The  effect  was  magical. 
Not  a  fly  came  near  me,  and  my  nap  w^as  deliciously 
unbroken. 

Next  day,  Weeville,  on  hearing  my  account,  abused 
me  because  I  had  not  put  some  sugar  in  the  water ; 
but,  as  sugar  was  not  mentioned  in  the  direction,  it 
is  hardly  to  be  expected  a  pei-son  would  divine  its 
necessity.  With  that  addition,  the  paper  afterward 
killed  flies  enough ;  but,  unfortunately,. the  sugar  at- 
tracted ten  where  the  poison  killed  one,  and  recourse 
was  finally  had  to  nets,  which  kept  the  breeze  and 
tlie  flies  out  together, 


208  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

I  have  said  that  Patrick,  among  his  other  acquisi- 
tions for  our  second  year's  operations,  had  obtained 
two  pups  and  two  kittens.  This  was  with  a  view  to 
the  extermination  of  the  rats  and  mice  that  ate  our 
oats  and  danced  nocturnal  jigs  in  the  partitions  and 
ceilings  of  the  house.  As  Patrick  explahied  it,  he 
wanted  the  dogs  to  catch  the  rats,  and  the  cats  to 
catch  the  mice,  which  was  certainly  a  fair  division 
of  labor ;  but  the  former  evidently  considered  that 
they  were  merely  designed  to  carry  into  practice  one 
link  in  the  story  of  the  "  House  that  Jack  Built,"  and 
devoted  their  time  mainly  to  worrying  the  latter. 
Whether  the  pups  would  have  caught  rats  or  the  kit- 
tens mice  is  hard  to  tell,  as  they  were  altogether  too 
busy  worrying  or  being  worried  to  devote  much  at- 
tention to  the  chase,  and  many  was  the  battle  waged 
between  the  belligerents.  The  entire  science  of  strat- 
egy could  be  learned  from  studying  the  conduct  of 
this  feline  and  canine  war,  and  I  have  always  be- 
lieved that  Grant  and  Lee  had  both  gone  to  the  cats 
and  dogs  to  acquire  their  knowledge.  Felis,  being 
the  weaker,  retires  behind  her  intrenchment  of  boxes 
or  chairs,  and  takes  advantage  of  the  natural  defenses 
of  corners  and  holes,  while  canis,  being  driven  to  the 
attack,  exhausts  his  ingenuity  in  endeavoring  to  turn 
his  opponent's  flank,  or  to  inveigle  her  from  her  in- 


N  U  I  8  A  N  C  E  S,  I  N  II  U  M  A  N    AND    II  U  M  A  N.     ^09 


trenchments.  I  called  my  dogs  Gran  and  Sher  (it 
seemed  almost  sacrilegious  to  copy  the  names  liter- 
ally), and  the  cats  Lee  and  John. 

Gran  was  a  bull-dog,  although  not  of  quite  pure 
blood,  and  my  conscience  troubled  me  somewhat  on 
that  score ;  but  his  grip  was  most  tenacious,  and  no 
punishment  could  make  him  "  sing  out ;"  while  Sher 
was  a  full-blooded  Scotch  terrier,  as  ugly  as  possible^ 
but  a  sly  little  fellow,  great  on  unexpected  attacks, 
and  dodging  in  on  exposed  places.  Apart  from  his 
permanent  battle  with  the  kittens,  and  a  most  in- 
veterate dislike  to  boys  and  beggai's.  Gran  was  the 
gentlest  of  dogs.  He  would  beg  for  his  dinner, 
and  would  howl  out  his  affection  if  asked  whether 
he  loved  his  master  and  simultaneously  offered  a 
piece  of  sugar,  of  which  lie  was  extravagantly  fond. 
His  countenance  was  expressive  of  the  strongest  de- . 
votion,  and  his  curly  tail  had  a  kindly  wag  for  all 
his  acquaintances.  But  let  a  dirty  boy  appear — and 
Flushing  abounds  with  this  nuisance — or  let  a  beg- 
gar attempt  to  enter  the  fi'ont  gate,  and  Gran  went 
into  a  paroxysm  of  rage ;  his  hair  bristled  up,  his  tail 
straightened  and  became  twice  its  natural  tliickness, 
and  his  eyes  glared  with  the  wildest  furj^  If  the 
offending  party  carried  a  bag,  his  fate  was  sealed, 
and  many  was  the  time  that  I  had  to  rush  out  and 


210  Five   Acres   too    Much. 

interpose  to  save  some  tramp  from  tlie  fate  of  the 
gentleman  mentioned  in  Scripture,  whose  flesh  was 
eaten  by  dogs.  On  these  occasions  Sher  was  true  to 
himself ;  and  while  Gran  rushed  headlong  on  the  en- 
emy, he  would  suddenly  bounce  out  from  under  a 
bush,  or  slip  round  through  the  fence,  and  make  a  di- 
version in  the  rear.  My  dogs  were  soon  a  terror  to 
the  neighborhood,  and  a  much  more  effectual  protec- 
tion than  patting  the  children  on  their  heads.  To  be 
sure,  there  were  a  few  drawbacks  to  set  off  these  ad- 
vantages. It  was  difficult  to  keep  any  work-peoj^le 
round  the  place  ;  and  I  had  to  pay  for  a  pair  of  pan- 
taloons that  my  painter  left  principally  in  Gran's 
mouth  ere  he  could  escape  up  his  ladder  when  a  sud- 
den attack  caught  him  unprepared. 

There  was  but  one  matter  in  which  the  kittens  and 
pups  all  four  agreed,  and  that  was  to  steal  whatever 
they  had  the  sliglitest  fancy  for.  Milk  was  the  weak- 
ness of  the  kittens,  and,  provided  they  could  discover 
any  unguarded  pan,  a  truce  was  declared,  and  friend 
and  foe  united  in  foraging  upon  their  master.  On 
such  occasions  they  were  content  to  drink  together 
from  the  same  dish  in  the  most  amicable  way,  al- 
though the  moment  the  feast  was  exhausted  the  cats 
fled  to  their  intrenchments,  without  so  much  as  clean- 
ing their  whiskers,  and  hostilities  were  renewed.    The 


Nuisances,  Inhuman  anp  Human.    211 


pnps  preferred  meat,  and  great  was  the  genius  ex- 
hibited by  Sher  in  obtaining  it  surreptitiously.  He 
would  pretend  he  was  asleep,  waiting  till  the  cook's 
back  was  turned ;  or  he  would  ostentatiously  go  out 
of  tlie  door,  and  then,  slipping  back,  hide  and  watch 
his  opportunity.  When  lie  obtained  it  he  always  di- 
vided with  Gran,  and  a  bone  would  occasionally  al- 
ternate half  a  dozen  times  between  them  ere  it  was 
exhausted. 

Their  playful  moods  were  their  most  destructive ; 
digging  holes  was  one  of  their  chief  pastimes.  Why 
they  dug  holes  I  never  could  imagine ;  they  neither 
buried  nor  discovered  any  hidden  treasure ;  but  they 
worked  away  with  a  zeal  and  patience  -that  w^ould 
have  been  most  praiseworthy  if  properly  applied. 
Some  of  my  favorite  "  herbaceous"  plants,  as  Bricjge- 
man  calls  them,  were  rooted  up,  and  my  grass-plot — 
one  which  I  had  laid  out  in  a  beautiful  oval  beneath 
our  solitary  cedar,  and  had  planted  with  the  most  del- 
icate lawn-grass — was  fairly  lioneycombed  with  bur- 
rows. At  first  I  filled  these  holes  and  restored  my 
plants,  but  the  pups  only  seemed  to  regard  this  as  a 
challenge  to  their  industry,  and  immediately  proceed- 
ed to  dig  them  up  again ;  so  I  was  compelled  to  let 
them  have  their  way,  although  it  gave  rather  a  strange 
appearance  to  the  place,  and  left  an  impression  that 
a  family  of  prairie-dogs  resided  there. 


212  Five   Acres   too  Mucn, 

The  pups  were  particularly  fond  of  roaming  round 
the  flower  garden.  When  the  seeds  had  pushed  their 
delicate  sprouts  above  ground,  I  used  to  walk  through 
the  neatly-boxed  paths,  and  admire  the  thriving  way 
in  which  every  thing  was  growing.  The  pups  inva- 
riably watched  for  such  occasions,  and  rushed  toward 
me  in  an  apparent  burst  of  affection,  bounding  up 
and  down  over  the  beds,  and  dancing  w^ith  deliglit 
on  my  frailest  seedlings.  If  I  took  no  notice  of  tliem, 
they  seized  one  another  by  the  ears,  and,  thus  coupled, 
rushed  about,  sweeping  away  the  flowers  in  their 
course ;  if  I  scolded  them,  Sher  slipped  into  the  near- 
est bush,  and,  lying  down  in  the  centre,  watched  my 
actions  w^ith  a  wary  eye,  while  Gran,  on  the  other 
hand,  came  directly  to  me,  and,  seating  himself  on  a 
bed,  looked  me  honestly  and  affectionately  in  tlie 
face,  while  his  wagging  tail  swept  away  the  sprout- 
ing plants  by  dozens. 

Sher  w^as  particularly  fond  of  a  gilia ;  its  delicate 
leaves  seemed  to  please  him  both  as  a  bed  and  a  hid- 
ing-place, and  he  soon  rolled  the  life  out  of  it ;  if  I 
charged  upon  him,  he  fled,  taking  refuge  in  some 
other  bushy  plant ;  and  when  I.  did  catch  him,  he 
would  not  walk,  but  insisted  upon  being  dragged  in 
a  most  destructive  manner  from  off  the  bed.  If  I 
took  hold  of  Gran  he  retained  his  sitting  posture, 


Nuisances,  Inhuman  and  Human.    213 


wliicii  was  almost  equally  injurious.  I  soon  found 
my  only  -plan  was  to  match  my  cunning  against 
theirs,  and,  the  moment  they  appeared,  to  rush  out  of 
the  garden,  calling  them  "  good  dogs,"  which  was  a 
falsehood  of  the  blackest  dye,  and  pretending  I  w^as 
ready  for  a  romp.  By  this  means  they  would  be  in- 
duced to  follow  me  w^ith  great  hilarity,  and  occasion- 
ally forget  to  go  back ;  but  I  lost  much  of  my  enjoy- 
ment of  the  garden. 

When  not  busy  with  the  flowers,  they  devoted 
themselves  to  the  vegetables;  Gran  was  delighted 
with  hunting  "  hop-toads,"  as  children  call  them,  and 
as  these  abounded  in  our  five  acres,  and  were  partic- 
ularly fond  of  hiding  in  the  water-melon-  patch,  he 
hunted  it  over  and  over  again,  fairly  plow^ing  it  up 
with  his  nose,  crushing  the  vines,  tearing  the  leaves 
to  pieces,  and  breaking  off  the  fruit.  If  he  had  killed 
the  toads  his  proceedings  might  have  come  to  an  end 
with  the  exhaustion  of  the  game;  but  he  was  too 
tender-heai-ted  for  this,  and  only  pushed  them  with 
his  nose  to  make  them  jump.  He  pursued  this  ex- 
citing S])ort  till  the  w^ater-melons  were  almost  ruined, 
while  Slier  devoted  himself  mainly  to  hiding  under 
the  okras  or  among  the  carrots,  and  darting  out  at 
any  passers-by  in  a  playful  mood.  In  the  course  of 
his  strategic  movements  he  broke  down  most  of  the 


214     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

brittle  okras,  and  trampled  rows  of  string-beans  into 
tlie  earth. 

They  had  seen  Patrick  chase  the  chickens  from 
the  garden,  and,  having  constituted  themselves  his 
adjutants,  proceeded  to  keep  the  sacred  precincts 
clear  of  these  unholy  intruders.  Never  would  a 
wandering  pullet  or  youthful  rooster  step  within  the 
fatal  bounds  but  the  two  dogs  w^ould  dart  out  with 
loud  yelps,  and  would  frequently  follow  her  or  him, 
naturally  bewildered,  and  not  knowing  which  way  to 
escape,  several  times  round  the  garden,  over  the  beds 
and  through  the  vegetables,  doing  more  harm  in  five 
minutes  than  an  entire  brood  of  chickens  w^ould  do 
in  a  month.  It  w^as  in  vain  that  w^e  endeavored  to 
explain  to  them  that  zeal  was  dangerous ;  and  their 
manner  of  self -congratulation,  and  of  demanding  ap- 
proval when  they  had  finally  succeeded  in  ejecting 
the  trespasser,  disarmed  blame  or  correction. 

There  was  one  idiosyncrasy  in  Patrick's  mind — he 
never  could  punish  an  animal.  If  the  pups  destroy- 
ed an  entire  bed,  or  broke  down  a  dozen  plants,  he 
would  only  utter  an  exclamation  or  two  of  horror 
and  reproach,  and  then  add,  apologetically, "  Ah !  the 
poor  bastes  do  not  know  any  better."  This  threw 
the  duty  of  correction  upon  my  shoulders,  and  I 
never  was  a  subscriber  to  that  horrible  doctrine  that 


Nuisances,  In  11 TMAN  and  Human.    215 


punishment  must  not  bo  inflicted  in  anger.  There  is 
something  fiendish  in  a  person  nursing  up  his  wrath, 
and  then,  with  deliberate  cruelty,  venting  it  upon 
child  or  pet  who  has  been  trembling  for  hours  with 
dread  anticipation.  When  the  pups  had  dug  up 
some  favorite  and  expensive  plant,  or  crushed  my 
only  plantation  of  some  pet  seed,  and  when  I  was 
naturally  in  a  towering  rage,  I  could  fall  upon  them 
and  drive  them  howling  to  some  secret  place  of  safe- 
ty; but  when,  after  an  hour's  delay  had  dissipated 
my  passion.  Gran  would  approach  with  deprecating 
wag  and  loving  smile,  and  Sher,  following  more  cau- 
tiously, would  lick  his  hairy  chops  in  a  contrite  way, 
it  went  against  my  very  nature  to  beat  them.  There- 
fore, although  the  pups  met  with  some  cuffs,  and  oc- 
casionally received  tlie  blow  of  a  well-directed  stone, 
they  were  not  punished  with  absolute  regularity,  had 
it  a  good  deal  their  own  way  with  the  place  and  its 
surroundings,  and  inflicted  no  little  damage  upon  the 
growing  crops. 


210  Five    Ackes    too    Much. 


CHAPTER   XYL 

BUTTEK-MAKING. SEEDS   AND   THE   DEVIL. 

^^HERE  is  one  advantage  about  the  country  that 
gives  it  a  great  superiority  over  the  town.  In 
it  you  have  every  thing  so  fresh — fresh  vegetables, 
fresh  milk,  fresh  eggs,  fresh  poultry,  and  fresh  but- 
ter. You  always  feel  sure  that  nothing  is  old  or 
stale.  We  had  not  yet  tried  making  butter,  but  the 
other  articles  we  had  enjoyed  in  their  pristine  excel- 
lence, although  some  ignorant  visitors  from  the  city 
pretended  that  all  of  those  which  were  sold  in  the 
Flushing  stores  w^ere  brought  from  the  New  York 
markets.  I  had  been  accustomed  to  buying  butter 
in  the  village,  but  the  Flushing  farmers  do  not  seem 
to  have  the  knack  of  making  fresh  butter.  My  pur- 
chases had  not  been  altogether  satisfactory,  and  oc- 
casionally I  obtained  a  rancid  conglomeration  of 
fatty  matter  that  was  far  from  inviting.  When  more 
than  ordinarily  disgusted,  I  had  brought  a  supply 
home  from  Fulton  Market,  where  it  w^as  to  be  had 
both  better  and  cheaper ;  but  as  my  friends,  who  met 


B  V  T  T  K  K  -  M  A  K  I  N  G.  217 

me  In  tlie  cars,  invariably  iiK|uired  what  I  had  in  my 
tin  kettle,  and  wanted  to  know  whether  I  had  gone 
out  for  a  day's  work  and  taken  my  dinner-pail  alon^, 
I  grew  ashamed,  and  determined  thereafter  to  make 
my  own  bntter. 

To  say  that  I  was  ntterly  unacquainted  with  but- 
ter-making was  simply  to  admit  that  I  had  been  bom 
and  reared  in  the  city ;  and,  except  for  some  early 
reminiscences  of  an  enthusiastic  youth  passing  his 
summer  amid  rural  pleasures,  and  helping  the  tired 
and  rosy-cheeked  dairy-maid,  1  knew  nothing  what- 
ever on  the  subject,  and  did  not  even  know  in  w^hat 
scientific  work  to  look  for  the  needful  instruction,  as 
nothing  satisfactory  was  to  be  found  in  "Bridge- 
man"  or  "  Ten  Acres  Enough."  A  churn  was  to  be 
used,  that  was  clear;  but  whether  the  milk  was 
churned  or  tlie  cream,  or  how  long  it  required,  or 
what  other  mysteries  were  involved,  I  could  not  tell. 

The  first  necessity,  therefore,  was  to  have  a  chum, 
and  to  obtain  this  I  stopped  in  at  one  of  the  numer- 
ous stores  in  and  near  Fulton  Street,  where  agricul- 
tural implements  are  sold.  I  inquired  falteringly  if 
they  had  churns  for  sale,  not  being  certain  that  these 
came  under  that  designation,  and  a  good  deal  con- 
fused at  the  mass  of  curious  implements  and  wonder- 
ful pieces  of  mechanism  which  were  scattered  about. 


218  Five   Acres  too   Much. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  polite  clerk ;  "  we  might  say 
that  we  have  the  only  churn,  properly  so  called,  for 
it  alone  does  the  work  as  it  should  be  done.  You 
probably  know,"  he  continued,  as  he  led  the  way  up 
stairs  toward  the  f ourtli  story, "  the  scientific  princi- 
ples which  govern  the  rapid  production  of  butter. 
The  oxygen  of  the  air  is  brought  in  immediate  con- 
tact with  the  oleaginous  particles  of  the  milk,  the 
lactic  acid  is  developed,  the  curd  and  wliey  are  sep- 
arated, and  the  butter  is  crystallized,  so  to  speak. 
Here,"  he  said  at  last,  when  we  had  reached  the  high- 
est floor,  and,  after  conducting  me  between  a  hun- 
dred strange  and  complex  machines,  stopped  before 
one  that  more  nearly  resembled  a  modern  ice-cream 
freezer  than  any  thing  else,  with  the  addition  of  a 
crank  and  a  few  extra  cog-wheels, "  here  is  the  Pat- 
ent Duplex  Elliptic  Milk  Converter,  the  only  true 
and  perfect  churn.  You  pour  the  milk  in" — [ah ! 
thought  I  to  myself,  it  is  the  milk  that  is  churned, 
after  all] — "you  turn  this  handle:  by  a  simple  ar- 
rangement of  multiplying  cogs,  the  dasher  is  re- 
volved at  great  speed,  the  air  is  distributed  through 
every  part  of  the  mass,  and  brought  in  contact  witli 
every  molecule  composing  it.  The  lactic  acid  is  gen- 
erated— !^ut  I  need  not  explain  further  to  one  who 
evidently  understands  the  subject  so  thoroughly  as 
yourself." 


B  U  T  T  E  K  -  M  A  K  I  N  G.  219 

"  Is  there  no  danger  of  the  machine's  getting  out 
of  order  ?"  I  inquired  mildly,  not,  however,  disclaim- 
ing the  compliment,  and  much  impressed  by  this  dis- 
play of  thorough  scientific  attainment  on  the  part  of 
iny  informant. 

"  None  whatever.     Observe  the  dasher." 

With  that  he  jerked  off  the  cover  and  lifted  out 
the  part  referred  to. 

"  It  is  armed  with  flanges,  which  revolve  between 
the  projecting  knives,  or  plates,  fastened  to  the  sides 
of  the  tub.  They  thoroughly  agitat*  the  milk,  which 
is  thrown  from  one  to  the  other,  and  never  allowed 
to  rest.  The  effects  are  truly  wonderful.  The  exer- 
tion is  the  minimum ;  the  results  are  the  maximum. 
No  more  sour  cream;  no  more  rancid  butter.  A 
child  can  produce  a  pound  of  butter  from  a  quart 
of  milk  in  the  short  space  of  a  minute  and  a  half." 

By  this  time,  between  the  revolving  of  the  w^heels 
and  the  man's  incomprehensible  conversation,  I  was 
in  a  dazed  state,  and  may  not  remember  accurately 
his  statements.  I  was  only  clear  on  one  point,  and 
that  was  that  the  Duplex  Elliptic  Milk  Converter,  al- 
though evidently  the  perfection  of  science,  was  too 
grand  for  my  wants. 

"  Have  you  nothing  simpler  ?"  I  inquired,  faintly. 

"Nothing  can  be  simpler,"  was  the  decided  i^e- 


220  Five   Acres   too   Much. 

sponse ;  "  here  yon  have  a  crank ;  there,  a  few  iro^ 
wheels ;  inside,  the  dasher.  The  price  is  moderate  ; 
one  that  wonld  do  the  work  of  a  dairy  wonld  he  only 
fifty  dollars.  That  amount  could  be  saved  in  a  sum- 
mer." 

"  I  should  like  to  inquire  farther,"  I  hastily  an- 
swered ;  and,  hurrying  down  stairs,  in  spite  of  re- 
marks about  acids  and  oxygen,  nitrogen,  caseine,  and 
a  dozen  other  scientific  compounds,  I  escaped  from 
the  store.  There  is  always  a  dreadful  feeling  of 
shame  connecte(?with  not  purchasing  when  one  en- 
ters a  store  and  asks  for  an  article.  It  seems  as 
though  you  were  getting  credit  and  making  a  dis- 
play on  false  pretenses.  The  manner  of  the  attend- 
ant suggests  a  doubt  of  your  honesty,  and  any  little 
compliments  he  may  have  paid  you  are  manifestly 
taken  back  at  once,  and  contempt  usurps  the  place 
of  esteem. 

After  pausing  to  recover  my  breath  and  my  cour- 
age, I  entered  the  nearest  place  of  a  similar  charac- 
ter and  made  the  same  inquiry. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  we  have  a  churn  of  a  most  approved 
and  successful  description.  There,"  he  continued,  as 
the  clerk  brought  me  face  to  face  with  a  still  stran- 
ger-looking machine,  more  like  the  walking-beam 
01  a  steam-engine  than  my  early  recollections  ot  a 


B  U  T  T  E  K-  M  A  K  I  N  0.  221 

cliuni,  "  there  you  have  sipiplicity  itself.  In  it  you 
go  back  to  first  priiujiples.    You  wind  up  a  spring — " 

"  A  spring !"  I  exclaimed. 

"  Undoubtedly.  No  one  thinks  of  using  manual 
power  in  these  times.  The  dashers  are  secured  to 
each  end  of  this  bar,  and  as  one  rises  while  the  oth- 
er falls,  there  is  no  loss  from  the  attraction  of  gravi- 
tation.    We  call  this  the  Hippo-opticon." 

"  The  Ilippo-opticon,  did  you  say  T  I  inquired, 
wonderingly. 

"  Tes ;  the  name  is  derived  from  two  Greek 
words,  hvpj)o,  a  horse,  and  ojpticon^  sight ;  because  it 
has  the  strength  of  a  horse  and  the  eye  of  intelli- 
gence. It  works  without  care  or  superintendence. 
When  once  started  it  runs  of  itself.     The  cream — " 

"  The  cream  !"  I  muttered  to  myself,  having  sup- 
posed that  I  had  just  discovered  that  milk  was 
churned 

"The  cream  is  placed  in  these  two  receptacles; 
the  dashers  fall  regularly  and  slowly." 

"  Slowly !"  I  exclaimed,  still  more  surprised,  re- 
membering the  praises  I  had  heard  of  excessive 
speed. 

"  Churning  must  be  done  slowly ;  that  is  the  best 
established  law.  There  must  be  deliberation  and 
regularity." 


222  Five  Acees    too   Much. 

"What  is  your  opinion,"  I  inquired, "  of  the  Pat- 
ent Duplex  Elliptic  Milk  Converter?" 

"  Then  you  have  seen  that  worthless  contrivance  1 
It  could  not  have  deceived  an  experienced  farmer 
like  yourself.  Why,  that  whirligig  is  the  most  ut- 
terly useless  affair  conceivable.  It  is  forever  out  of 
order ;  the  flanges  bend,  the  cogs  break.  Whatever 
you  do,  don't  buy  that.  In  ours  you  have  primitive 
simplicity  and  perfect  security." 

At  this  point  a  brilliant  idea  entered  my  mind, 
and,  taking  my  departure  w^ithout  even  waiting  to 
ask  the  price  of  this  wonderful  invention,  I  hurried 
back  to  the  first  store.  Thrusting  my  head  in  at  tlie 
door,  and  not  daring  to  advance  farther  lest  I  should 
be  overwhelmed  by  a  second  avalanche  of  learned 
terms,  I  inquired  of  the  smiling  clerk,  who  evidently 
saw  the  certainty  of  a  customer  in  my  return,  what 
he  thought  of  the  Hippo-opticon. 

"  The  Ilippo-opticon !"  he  laughed ;  "  that  old  fogy 
concern  that  winds  up  with  a  spring  ?  My  opinion 
simply  is  that  it  will  never  make  butter  at  all.  It 
never  has  yet,  and  it  never  will.  They  could  not 
humbug  a  gentleman  of  your  discernment  with  that 
attempt  to  return  to  the  antiquated  days  of  our  fore- 
fathers.    The  Patent  Duplex — " 

"  Thank  you !"  I  shouted,  as  I  slammed  to  the 


Butter-Making.  223 

door,  and  fled  without  waiting  to  licar  farther.  The 
selection  of  a  churn  was  evidently  an  intricate  mat- 
ter. It  was  a  practical  affair,  in  which  intellectual 
research  would  not  help  me,  and  recourse  must  be 
had  to  Weeville.  As  soon  as  I  returned  to  the  coun- 
try I  sent  for  him,  and  inquired  which  was  the  prop- 
er churn  to  use,  and  what  was  the  proper  thing  to 
put  in  it. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  deliberately, "  the  art  of  making 
butter  is  yet  in  its  infancy ;  the  principles  that  con- 
trol it  are  not  fully  understood.  Great  cleanliness  is 
a  prime  requisite ;  the  dairy  must  be  well  ventilated ; 
electricity  is  very  injurious.  In  Switzerland  they  do 
not  allow  women  to  take  part  in  any  of  the  opera- 
tions, even  in  milking  the  cows,  on  account  of  their 
possessing  more  electricity  than  men." 

"  Oh !"  I  broke  forth  in  despair,  "  I  give  it  up  ;  it 
is  altogether  too  complicated  a  matter — " 

"Nonsense,"  said  Weeville,  suddenly  recovering 
himself;  "the  old-fashioned  ordinary  churn  is  the 
best ;  I  w^ill  send  you  one.  You  must  use  cream, 
and  there  is  no  difficulty  so  long  as  proper  regard  is 
paid  to  cleanliness." 

With  that  he  left  me.  His  suggestions  about  elec- 
tricity were  alarming.  I  had  often  felt  the  electric- 
al power  of  the  female  sex.     I  had  received  manv 


224     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

dangerous  shocks  from  tlieiii ;  the  touch  even  of 
their  hands  had  often  produced  palpitations  and 
electrical  phenomena  of  the  strangest  kind.  There 
could  be  no  anticipating  what  might  be  the  result  if 
the  cream  was  affected  by  their  presence.  While  1 
was  hesitating  what  to  do,  I  suddenly  thought  of 
Patrick.  There  was  nothing  electrical  about  him. 
lie  might  be  dirty — his  hands  and  face  usually  were 
— but  there  was  no  other  danger.  He  was  called  at 
once,  and  told  to  milk  the  cow^  himself  in  future, 
and  be  sure  to  wash  his  hands  and  face  first;  to 
which  directions  he  gave  a  surprised  assent,  won- 
dermg,  no  doubt,  at  the  sudden  interest  his  master 
evinced  in  his  personal  appearance.  I  took  charge 
of  the  dairy  myself,  to  exclude  all  possibility  of  elec- 
trical phenomena,  and  skimmed  the  cream  carefully. 
Cushy  had  been  falling  off  lately  for  some  incom- 
prehensible reason,  having  done  so  well  for  eighteen 
months  ;  and  when,  at  the  end  of  a  w^eek,  the  churn 
arrived,  it  seemed  ludicrously  large  for  the  small 
bowlful  of  cream  that  had  been  collected  —  not 
nnich  more  tlian  a  pint  in  all.  Patrick,  when  I 
called  upon  him  to  wash  his  hands  and  set  to  work, 
burst  foi-th  witli  the  astonished  inquiry, 

'■  Sure  yer  honor  does  not  want  me  to  churn  that 
little  speck  ov  crame  in  this  big  tul).  It  would  get 
lost  intirely." 


B  IT  T  T  E  R  -  M  A  K  I  N 


225 


"  But,  Patrick,"  I  replied,  "  tliis  cream  must  be 
churned  at  once."  This  conchision  was  not  any  de- 
duction of  science,  although  it  was  announced  in  an 
authoritative  tone,  intended  to  impress  Patrick  with 
my  vast  experience  and  thorough  knowledge  of  the 
subject.  To  state  how  I  arrived  at  my  opinion,  it  is 
sufficient  to  say  that  my  nose  assured  me  of  it.  The 
weather  was  warm,  and  the  dairy  Avas  merely  a  closet 
in  the  cellar,  springs  and  brooks  not  being  numerous 
in  my  territory. 

K2 


226  Five  Acres^too   Much. 

"  Well,  then,  yer  honor,  let  me  make  a  nate  little 
clim^n  out  ov  a  ginger-pot  there  is  in  the  cellar,  with 
the  lid  ov  a  salt-box  for  dasher,  and  the  piece  ov  a 
broom  for  handle.     That  will  be  the  doin'  ov  it." 

"  Just  as  you  please,  Patrick,"  I  answered,  entirely- 
convinced  of  the  inadequacy  of  the  cream  to  the  oc- 
casion ;  "  only  be  sure  and  make  me  a  good  article." 

"Indade  and  I  will  do  that  same,  and  I'm  sure 
yer  honor  will  be  mightily  plased.  Let  me  aloon  for 
that." 

Shortly  after,  Patrick  produced  a  queer -looking 
extemporized  clmrn  that,  although  odd  enough  in 
appearance,  was  manifestly  better  adapted  to  the 
emergency  tlian  the  enormous  affair  that  Weeville 
had  sent  me,  apparently  supposing  that  I  was  about 
to  set  up  a  public  dairy.  I  expected  a  friend  to  din- 
ner that  day,  and  gave  especial  directions  tliat  the 
results  of  the  churning  were  to  come  on  the  table  as 
a  surprise  to  my  guest. 

When  the  dinner  was  served,  I  w^as  delighted  with 
the  whiteness  of  the  fresh  butter,  that  spoke  so  well 
for  its  purity.  Without  saying  a  word,  I  helped  my 
friend  liberally,  and  then  awaited  the  result.  IIow^ 
I  enjoyed,  by  anticipation,  his  enjoyment  of  so  rare 
a  delicacy !  I  could  scarcely  wait  for  him  to  taste 
it  before  explaining  how  it  was  obtained,     lie  look- 


B  U  T  T  E  R  -  M  A  K  I  N  O.  227 

ed  at  it  curiously,  then  spread  some  on  liis  bread  and 
tried  it,  then  ate  the  bread  without.  Hastily  taking 
a  piece  and  tasting  it,  I  no  longer  wondered  at  his 
conduct,  but,  turning  to  the  maid,  sternly  demanded 
how  she  dare  put  such  stuff  on  the  table. 

"  Oh,  never  mind,"  said  my  friend ;  "  these  things 
will  happen  in  the  country,  where  you  do  not  have 
any  markets  to  go  to.  I  often  tar.te  bad  butter  when 
I  am  out  of  town,  although  not  often  so  bad  as  this ; 
but  I  can  do  without  very  well." 

When  dinner  was  over,  I  visited  my  man,  and  in- 
quired of  him,  rather  reproachfully  than  angrily, 

"Patrick,  what  was  that  you  made?  Was  it 
cheese,  or  was  it  butter?  It  was  very  bad  as  either; 
but  w^hich  was  it  ?" 

"  Sure,  yer  honor,"  he  replied,  scratching  his  head, 
"I  don't  rightly  know  meself ;  but  the  crame  was 
spoilt  intirely,  and  I  did  the  best  I  could." 

"  Patrick,"  I  answ^ered,  "  I  am  afraid  you  are  elec- 
trical, after  all." 

This  attempt  w^as  but  a  sort  of  interhide,  and  I 
kept  my  mind  mainly  on  the  various  productions  of 
the  earth. 

"  Weeville,"  I  said  one  day,  in  early  fall,  when  the 
first  cold  snap  had  thrown  a  tinge  of  brown  o\er 
much  of  my  garden,  "how  do  you  manage  to  collect 
the  flower-seeds  for  use  next  spring  ?" 


228  Five  A  c  k  e  s  too   M  u  c  h. 

"Why,  my  dear  boy,"  lie  replied,  gayly,  ''that  is 
easy  enough :  dry  theni  a  little,  put  theui  in  bags  la- 
beled, and  set  them  aside  in  a  dry  place,  where  the 
mice  can  not  get  at  them  to  make  a  daily  meal  at 
your  expense." 

"  I  do  not  refer  to  that  part ;  the  books  on  garden- 
ing speak  of  that,  but  they  give  no  directions  for 
gathering  the  seed.  I  ha^e  studied  Bridgeman, 
Eand,  and  the  rest  of  them,  but  they  nowhere  tell 
you  when  or  how  to  collect  the  seed." 

"My  dear  fellow,  you  surely  would  not  expect 
Bridgeman  to  tell  yon  how  to  save  seeds ;  that  is  his 
occupation,  and  a  pretty  fool  he  would  l)e  to  let  out 
all  the  secrets  of  his  trade." 

"  Then  he  had  no  business  to  write  on  gardening," 
I  added,  earnestly ;  for  I  have  an  immense  idea  of 
duty,  and  a  high  standard  for  tlie  obligations  of  au- 
thorship ;  "  a  man  who  publishes  a  book,  and  retains 
any  knowledge  on  the  subject  of  which  he  treats  for 
liis  own  purposes,  is  a  scoundrel  and  a  cheat ;  he  is 
false—" 

"Now,  now,"  interrupted  Weeville,  soothingly, 
"  don't  get  on  your  high  horse ;  remember  human 
nature.  A  pretty  notion  it  would  have  been  it 
Bridgeman  had  enabled  all  his  customers  to  do 
without  him,  and  perhaps  set  up  in  the  seed-busi- 
ness themselves." 


Seeds    and   tmk  Devil.  229 

"  I  can  only  say,  then,  that  he  had  no  nght  to  take 
upon  himself  the  honors  of  authorship ;  tliere  is  no 
justification  for  his  assuming  the  place  of  instructor 
when  he  was  merely  a  self-seeker.  His  book,  then,  is 
simply  an  advertisement." 

•  "  Call  it  what  you  please,  but  do  not  get  excited. 
Borrow  his  catalogues,  which  contain  much  useful 
information,  and  for  which  he  charges  nothing,  but 
do  not  abuse  a  hard-working  man,  striving  to  get 
ahead  in  the  world." 

"  Very  well,  then.  To  come  back  to  my  difficulties 
— I  want  to  know  when  I  am  to  gather  the  seeds ;  they 
only  ripen  in  small  quantities,  and,  if  left,  are  scat- 
tered and  lost." 

"  Oh,  you  must  watch  your  chance ;  stick  to  it ; 
'  here  a  little,  and  there  a  little ;'  do  not  be  impa- 
tient." 

"  The  pods  of  phlox  burst  the  moment  they  turn 
yellow,  and,  ere  I  notice  them  among  the  mass  of 
those  still  green,  they  have  spilled  their  contents;  the 
gilia  are  so  small  that  I  can  not  find  them  at  all ;  the 
mignonnette  really  does  not  seem  to  bear  seed ;  and 
the  capsules  of  the  portulaca  have  to  be  picked  one 
at  a  time,  and  are  so  low  that  it  almost  breaks  my 
back  to  bend  down  to  them.  How  is  it  that  you 
manage  V^ 


230  Five  Acres   too   M  u  c  h. 

"  I  never  have  any  trouble ;  I  go  through  my  gar- 
den  daily." 

"  To  come  to  a  point — what  do  you  do  about  the 
phlox?" 

"You  must  be  on  the  alert,  and  save  all  you 
can." 

"  1^0 w,  Weeville,"  I  said,  sternly,  for  he  was  in  the 
act  of  buttoning  up  his  coat  to  go,  as  though  the  dis- 
cussion were  over,  "  I  do  not  believe  you  know  any 
thing  about  it." 

"  What — what — what's  that  you  say  ?" 

"  I  do  not  believe  you  are  any  better  acquainted 
with  the  right  mode  of  gathering  seeds  than  I  am." 

"  Well,"  he  replied,  as  he  went  out  of  the  door, 
with  a  pleasant  smile,  "  the  fact  is,  I  do  generally  get 
a  new  supply  every  year  from  Thorburn." 

Before  I  had  fully  recovered  from  my  surprise  at 
this  discovery,  and  when  I  was  remembering  how, 
every  year,  the  oldest  farmers  and  gardeners  were  to 
be  seen  running  into  the  seed -stores  to  buy  what 
they  should  have  saved  if  they  had  known  how,  Pat- 
rick thrust  his  head  in  at  the  door. 

"  Can  I  spake  to  yer  honor  a  moment  ?" 

"  Certainly,  Patrick." 

"  And  is  it  thrue,  what  Mr.  Wee\dlle  says,  that  the 
devil's  been  seen  on  the  earth  ?" 


Seeds   and   the  Devil.  231 

"  It  is  so  alleged  in  the  papers,"  I  replied, "  and 
you  know  whatever  is  stated  there  must  be  true." 

"  Yes,  jer  honor,"  he  answered,  evidently  referring 
in  his  own  mind  to  a  temporary  connection  of  mine 
with  that  palladium  of  freedom.  "And  sure,"  ho 
continued,  as  he  approached  cautiously,  "  and  what 
is  he  like?" 

"  He  is  described  as  being  forty  feet  high,  spitting 
fii-e  from  his  mouth  and  nostrils,  and  with  huge  horns 
over  his  eyes." 

"  That's  awful  intirely ;  but  there's  prophecies  in 
the  Good  Book  that  he  should  be  let  loose  on  the 
earth,  but  I  didn't  think  it  was  to  be  quite  yet. 
Was  it  far  from  here  that  he  was  ?" 

"  Yes,  more  than  a  thousand  miles." 

"  Sure  and  that's  pleasant,  for  it  ain't  likely  he'll 
get  this  far." 

"'That  is  not  so  certain,"  I  replied,  to  lead  him 
on.  "  He  has  a  habit  of  going  up  and  down  on  the 
earth." 

"  But  it  would  take  him  a  long  time  to  travel  that 
distance." 

"  Tlie  devil,  if  it  really  was  he,  could  go  a  thou- 
sand miles  in  an  instant." 

"  Could  he,  now  ?  "Well,  I  suppose  he  don't  go  by 
rail,  more  especially  like  the  one  that  runs  from 


232 


Five   Acres   too   Much. 


Xevv  York  to  Flushing.  Perhaps  he  travels  on  the 
telegraph  wires,  that,  they  say,  takes  a  letter  along  so 
fast  you  can't  see  it.  Well,  well,  if  he  comes  this 
way,  all  I  have  to  say  is,  he'll  get  great  gatherins  in 
Flushing." 


[Success  of   the   Y e ak.  233 


CHAPTER   XYir. 

SUCCESS   OF   THE   YEAR. 

npiIE  agricultural  books  all  tell  us  that,  at.  tho 
-^  close  of  the  season,  we  should  look  back  and 
review  the  work  that  we  have  accomplished,  com- 
paring it  with  previous  results,  or  studying  where 
improvements  could  be  effected.  Our  second  year 
was  certainly  a  great  advance  upon  the  fii*st,  as  the 
former  might  be  said  to  have  been  rather  a  case  for 
what  the  merchants  call  profit  and  loss — all  loss  and 
no  profit,  so  far  as  actual  production  is  concerned. 
The  previous  attempt  had  resulted  in  raising  abso- 
lutely nothing,  whereas  oiw  subsequent  one  had  raised 
a  great  deal ;  we  had  much  to  show  for  it,  although 
not  always  exactly  what  we  wanted.  There  was  am- 
ple room  for  improvement,  and  there  were  abundant 
erroi*s  manifestly  requiring  correction.  We  did  not 
need  an  acre  of  onions,  that  was  perfectly  clear,  as 
the  servants  could  consume  but  a  limited  quantity, 
which  fell  off  rapidly  when  they  were  told  they  could 


234     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

have  all  they  wanted,  and  the  residue  did  not  seem 
to  have  a  positive  market  value,  Patrick  vainly  offer- 
ing them  at  any  price  to  every  market-man  in  Flush- 
ing ;  so  it  was  evident  that  we  should  not  require  as 
many  the  ensuing  season. 

Onions  are  rather  a  pretty  vegetable,  and  grateful 
for  the  least  care.  They  grow  readily ;  in  fact,  like 
the  would-be  "  butcher  boy,"  they  are  bound  to  do  it. 
They  come  up  so  w^ell  that  they  come  clear  up  above 
ground  in  their  effort,  and  show  their  luscious  yellow 
or  white  bulbs  above  the  surface.  When  these  first 
began  to  swell  I  proceeded  to  earth  them  ovei-,  fear- 
ing lest  their  nakedness  should  expose  them  to  in- 
jury ;  but,  as  the  plot  devoted  to  their  service  was 
rather  large,  and  Patrick  utterly  refused  to  assist  me, 
being  invariably  too  busy  whenever  I  called  upon 
him  to  help  cover  the  onions,  and  insisting  that  "  they 
didn't  nade  it  at  all,  at  all,  and  that  it  was  ruinin' 
them  I  was  intirely,"  I  finally  abandoned  the  attempt. 
It  was  some  time  ere  my  fears  for  the  result  were 
removed,  and  the  discovery  made  that  onions  could 
take  care  of  themselves.  It  is  a  pity  egg-plants  do 
not  grow  as  obstinately  as  onions ;  they  do  not,  how- 
ever, nor  do  most  other  good  things. 

Peas  are  a  profitable  crop — that  is,  if  they  are  not 
dwarfs,  or  do  not  go  to  leaf,  as  ours  did ;  and  there 


S  T^  C  C  E  S  S    OF     THE    Y  E  A  R.  235 

are  niaiiy  different  kinds — so  many  that  the  novice 
in  gardening  is  somewhat  puzzled  to  choose.  For- 
tunately, by  Weeville's  advice,  we  had  made  an  ex- 
cellent selection,  and  by  changing  the  acre  of  onions 
into  an  acre  of  Daniel  O'Rourkes  we  might  possibly 
have  enough  for  the  family.  As  I  have  mentioned 
before,  the  O'Kourkes  are  not  profuse  bearers ;  it 
may  be  called  a  rather  lucky  chance  if  they  bear  any 
thing  but  leaf,  and  consequently  it  is  not  in  a  mone- 
tary sense  that  they  are  profitable ;  the  benefit  they 
confer  is  in  enabling  one  to  crow  over  one's  city  vis- 
itors. The  dwarfs  are  not  desirable.  They  consti- 
tuted our  principal  stock,  and,  useful  as  they  might 
be  in  the  penance  line,  as  edibles  they  compare  un- 
favorably with  pebbles. 

We  had  an  immense  quantity  of  beets,  and  had  ex- 
perimented in  divers  ways  of  cooking  them.  We  had 
them  boiled,  baked,  stuffed,  and  roasted,  hot,  cold, 
pickled  in  vinegar,  and  even  fried,  but  through  it  all 
they  w^ere  "  dead  beets."  I  had  serious  ideas  of  try- 
ing to  extract  sugar  from  them ;  but  w^hen  Patrick  in- 
formed me  that  Dandy  Jim  approved  of  their  flavor, 
I  gave  them  over  to  his  care.  Our  pole-beans,  which 
are  good  for  pork  and  beans — if  any  Christian  eats 
that  dish  and  li\es — were  also  extremely  successful. 
The  Limas  bore  a  few  ])()ds,  l)ut  that  was  after  we  re- 


236  Five  Ackes   too   Much. 

turned  to  tlie  city ;  Patrick,  however,  said  they  were 
excellent.  Our  spinach  was  so  abundant  that  I  should 
ha\e  turned  Cushy  into  it  if  I  could  have  restricted 
her  attentions  to  that  alone.  The  cucumbers  were 
very  numerous,  our  cabbages  innumerable,  and  our 
cauliflow^ers  nowhere. 

It  was  clear  that  this  must  be  changed.  The  Limas 
must  be  made  to  emulate  the  pole-beans,  the  spinach, 
beets,  and  onions  must  be  kept  down  to  proper  limits, 
the  cucumbers  and  cabbages  must  be  eliminated,  and 
the  cauliflowers  encouraged.  How  to  effect  these 
changes,  however,  was  not  entirely  clear  to  my  mind. 

Our  corn  grew  remarkably  well.  Fresh  sweet  corn 
is  a  dish  of  which  I  am  particularly  fond ;  it  is  lus- 
cious, healthful,  and  ap]3etizing ;  it  contains  much 
milk — the  human  being's  natural  nourishment ;  it  is 
excellent  boiled  or  roasted  on  the  cob,  stewed  in  milk, 
or  mixed  with  beans  into  succotash ;  even  corn  juice 
is  good  occasionally — but  that  requires  age.  Patrick 
had  planted  a  goodly  lot  of  it.  I  watched  the  stalks 
rise  and  the  broad  leaves  spread  out  with  infinite 
pleasure.  The  ears  formed  with  their  long  silky 
tops,  and  swelled,  as  they  reached  maturity,  like  a 
budding  maiden.  It  was  with  great  anticipations 
that  we  awaited  our  first  meal  of  new  corn.  This  was 
admirably  cooked,  and  came  on  the  table  smoking 


Success   of   the  Y e a k.  237 

hot,  each  cob  enveloped  in  its  steaming  green  cuticle, 
but  somehow  the  taste  did  not  prove  so  agreeable  as 
we  had  expected.  Thinking  that  it  might  be  too 
young,  I  told  Patrick  not  to  pick  any  more  for  a  day 
or  two.  The  next  trial  was  even  more  unsatisfactory 
— it  had  absolutely  no  flavor  whatever.  Feeling  there 
must  be  something  wrong,  with  sinking  heart  I  cross- 
questioned  Patrick,  and  discovered  that  he  did  not 
know  there  was  any  diiference  between  sweet  com 
and  the  common  kind,  and  had  planted  a  quantity  of 
that  which  he  was  using  for  the  horses.  I  never  as- 
certained what  became  of  it,  but  we  did  not  try  it 
again  on  the  table. 

Our  asparagus  was  gone  without  redemption.  The 
few  spears  that  struggled  up  into  existence  reached  a 
partial  state  of  forwardness;  but  association  with 
Patrick's  planting  of  turnips  appeared  to  disgust 
them,  and  they  lay  down  and  died  with  hardly  an 
effort.  Our  trees  succeeded  excellently ;  they  were 
unusually  large,  and  had  cost  an  extra  price,  as  the 
nurseryman,  when  I  bought  them,  assured  me  that 
they  would  bear  fruit  the  first  year.  They  stood  the 
blasts  of  winter  bravely.  In  spring  they  put  out 
their  leaves,  and  even  burst  into  occasional  flowar, 
but  they  did  not  go  so  far  as  bearing  fruit.  They 
appeared  to  have  some  misunderstanlding  of  tlie  prin- 


238  Five   Acker    too   Much. 

cipal  obje(;t  of  their  existence,  and  did  not  come  np 
to  the  promise  made  for  them  on  their  purchase,  and 
by  them  afterward.  As  shade-trees  they  did  not 
amount  to  much,  and  even  as  ornaments  they  were 
rather  thin;  but  as  fruit-bearers  they  w^ere  a  total 
failure- 

Our  strawberries  had  rather  surpassed  expectation. 
The  first  lot,  it  is  true,  had  died  out,  but  those  plant- 
ed in  the  spring  seemed  to  feel  called  upon  to  re- 
deem the  good  name  of  the  race.  They  grew  ad- 
mirably, and  not  only  covered  themselves  with  blos- 
soms, but  actually  bore  fruit — not  very  luxuriantly, 
but  much  more  abundantly  than  I  had  any  reason  to 
anticipate.  We  had  quite  a  bowlful  of  them  —  the 
red,  firm,  ripe  berries  being  a  delicious  contrast  to 
the  soft,  faded,  stale  tilings  that  are  sold  to  us  in  the 
city.  When  these  were  picked,  the  vines  were  still 
covered  with  green  fruit,  and  I  expected  to  have 
many  a  dessert  from  them.  I  am  a  great  admirer 
of  strawberries — and  so  are  chickens — in  spite  of  the 
crisp  little  seeds  that  somewhat  injure  them.  Tliey 
have  just  the  proper  amount  of  acidity  to  render 
them  piquant  when  compounded  with  sufficient  sug- 
ar. Raspberries  are  too  sw^eet,  and  blackberries 
have  not  sufficient  delicacy  of  flavor,  so  that  I  pre- 
fer strawberries:  But,  unfortunately,  as  I  remarked 
alx>ve,  so  do  chickens. 


Success   of  t ii  e  Yea r.  239 

After  our  first  taste  1  visited  the  garden  hopefully 
every  morning,  but  was  much  sui-prised  to  find  none 
of  the  green  berries  become  ripe.  They  disappeared 
gradually,  and  I  was  greatly  at  a  loss  to  understand 
the  reason.  I  knew  that  Gran  was  fond  of  straw- 
berries, but  he  was  an  honest  dog.  You  might  trust 
him  with  untold  strawberries,  and  he  w^ould  not  touch 
one  without  permission.  lie  might  how4  for  them 
until  he  would  drive  his  master  crazy,  but,  although 
his  bowlings  w-ere  ineffectual,  he  would  not  steal. 
Slier  w^as  less  trustworthy,  but  he  did  not  like  the 
acid  berries.  The  pigs  could  not  get  out,  nor  Cushy 
get  in ;  so  that  the  diminution  was  a  mystery  to  me, 
until,  happening  to  rise  one  morning  quite  early,  I 
discovered  our  entire  flock  of  chickens  busy  in  the 
strawberry-patch,  and,  driving  them  out,  I  noticed  the  " 
remains  of  several  fine  ripe  berries.  This  explained 
the  difhculty.  There  was  ]io  place  w^here  we  could 
cage  the  chickens ;  in  fact,  as  the  berries  were  most- 
ly consumed,  to  do  so  would  be  rather  late,  and  I  had 
nothing  for  it  but  to  see  my  favorite  fruit  "  grow 
small  by  degrees  and  beautifully  less,"  amid  the  ear- 
ly "  clucks"  of  delight  that  thereafter  suggestively 
broke  in  upon  my  morning  slumbers,  until  the  entire 
plot  was  bare. 

From  this  adventure  two  deductions  were  to  ]>e 


240  Five  AcKES   TOO   Much. 

drawn :  one,  that  I  must  plant  more  of  these  ener- 
getic vines ;  the  other,  that  I  must  build  a  chicken- 
coop.  The  latter  would  cost  heavily,  probably  more 
than  many  years'  supply  of  both  berries  and  chick- 
ens ;  and,  to  save  the  expense  of  applying  to  the 
nurseries  for  the  former,  I  must  encourage  our  own 
vines  to  run  and  propagate.  To  effect  this,  wdien 
July  drew  toward  a  close,  and  they  put  out  suckers 
in  every  direction,  I  pinned  these  down  Avitli  small 
forked  sticks,  so  as  to  compel  them  to  take  root. 
This  was  an  original  idea  of  my  own,  of  wliicli  I  was 
particularly  proud.  Weeville  ridiculed  it,  saying  that 
there  would  be  young  plants  enough  without  that 
trouble;  but  I  determined  to  help  Nature — w^liich 
the  doctors  have  lately  ascertained  is  tlie  true  prin- 
ciple in  encouraging  human  plants  to  grow  and  dis- 
couraging them  from  dying.  The  work  kept  me 
quite  busy,  for  it  was  astounding  how  many  runners 
started  off  and  how  fast  they  ran.  They  took  root 
finely,  and  soon  made  the  entire  patch  a  mass  of 
flourishing  plants.  They  grew  and  grew,  and  inter- 
laced and*  twined  round  one  another,  and,  unfortu- 
nately, the  w^eeds  grew  with  them,  till,  when  I  under- 
took to  transplant  them  in  the  fall,  I  could  not  tell 
the  old  plants  from  the  young.  This  was  rather  un- 
lucky ;  for,  unless  tlie  old  stools,  as  they  are  called, 


Success   of   the    Y e a r.  241 

\7ere  preserved,  there  would  be  but  a  slim  crop  the 
following  year.  Nevertheless,  I  tried  in  vain  to  dis- 
tinguish the  parents  from  their  healthy  children,  and 
at  last  had  to  direct  Patrick  to  dig  out  as  many  as 
he  wanted  indiscriminately,  and  then  to  cut  paths 
through  the  residue  at  regular  intervals,  regardless 
of  what  might  be  in  the  way.  The  next  year  will 
show  the  result,  for  which  I  was  prepared  to  wait 
with  due  patience. 

The  second  season  of  my  life  in  the  country  hav- 
ing closed,  and  the  new  year,  with  relaxation  from 
agricultural  pursuits,  being  upon  us,  I  proceeded  to 
make  up  my  annual  exhibit  of  the  result.  The  in- 
vestments of  my  previous  year  had  not  turned  out 
well;  the  asparagus  and  strawberries  failed  utterly, 
and  my  garden  had  been  a  virgin  soil  when  it  was 
attacked  in  the  spring.  But  this  season  there  was 
every  reason  to  be  satisfied  with  the  result ;  the  pro- 
ductions, although  not  exactly  such  as  a  gourmand 
would  prefer,  were  abundant ;  the  flowers  liad  been 
a  grand  success,  some  of  them  far  surpassing  the 
wildest  anticipations ;  and  the  vegetables  did  no  dis- 
credit to  the  soil,  although  they  did  not  reflect  much 
honor  on  Patrick's  judgment.  The  fact  had  been 
clearly  established  that  there  was  only  needed  the 
eye  and  mind  of  the  master  to  produce  a  highly 

L 


242  Five  Acres   too   M  u  c  h. 

creditable  result.  It  could  not  be  questioned  that  a 
place  which  would  grow  such  wonderful  pumpkins, 
and  such  vast  expanse  of  onion,  and  such  early  and 
abundant  squashes,  would  also,  if  properly  managed, 
be  as  fertile  of  egg-plants,  caulillowers,  and  the  other 
higher  classes  of  vegetables.  There  w^as  no  proba- 
bility of  my  again  visiting  the  Old  World,  and  I 
should  be  able  to  devote  undivided  attention  to  my 
horticultural  pursuits. 

As  with  the  previous  year,  it  is  not  an  easy  matter 
to  make  out  the  accounts  satisfactorily ;  there  were 
items  that  were  of  questionable  relationship  toward 
investment  or  yearly  expenditure ;  there  were  kinds 
of  profit  difficult  of  estimation,  and,  as  usual,  there 
were  sundry  matters  altogether  forgotten.  If  there 
is  any  one  point  more  important  than  another  in  re- 
cording the  experiences  of  an  individual  in  any  pur- 
suit, when  these  experiences  are  to  be  the  guide  of 
others,  it  is  absolute  exactness  in  figures  and  calcula- 
tions. I  liave,  therefore,  been  exceedingly  careful, 
and  devoted  much  consideration  to  every  item  ere  it 
was  inserted,  and  I  flatter  myself  that  the  following 
statement  may  be  relied  upon  confidently : 


Success   of   the   Y e a k.  243 

investment  account.— debit. 

Cost  of  premises $15,000 

Three  hundred  loads  of  fertilizer 180 

Strawberry  plants 3 

New  teeth 50 

Dandy  Jim 450 

Total $15,683 

INVESTMENT  ACCOUNT.— CREDIT. 

Value  of  premises $1G,000 

Dandy  Jim 50 

New  teeth 100 

Strawberry  bed 50 

Total $16,200 

YEARLY  EXPENSES.— DEBIT. 

Asparagus $  6  00 

Seeds 10  50 

Subscription  to  Skating-pond 10  00 

Damage  to  wagon 50  00 

Total $76  50 

YEARLY  RECEIPTS.— CREDIT. 

One  quart  of  strawberries $        50 

One  hundred  bushels  (estimated)  of  onions ,...  50  00 

Ten  egg-plants 2  50 

One  peck  Daniel  O'Rourke  peas 2  00 

One  thousand  squashes. 100  00 

Five  hundred  cucumbers.., 20  00 

One  hundred  pumpkins 25  00 

Five  cauliflowers 2  50 

Fifty  bushels  of  tomatoes 25  00 

Beets,  beans,  turnips,  etc 50  00 

Total $277  50 

Tliere  are  some  items  in  the  foreffoinii:  accounts 
that  require  explanation.    The  manure  was  inchided 


244  P'  I V  E  Acres   too  Much. 

in  permanent  capital,  because  it  went  into  the  ground, 
became  incorporated  with  it,  and  added  just  so  much 
additional  value  to  it.  The  strawberries,  having  now 
proved  successful,  ceased  to  be  a  current  expense,  but 
entered  into  the  total  cost.  The  new  teeth  referred 
to  are  not  for  the  rakes,  as  might  be  supposed,  but 
for  myself.  Having  heretofore  mentioned  some  of 
Dandy  Jim's  peculiarities,  I  omitted  an  explanation 
of  our  last  association  and  final  separation.  I  was 
not  fond  of  driving  the  gallant  steed — so  gallant  that 
he  usually  danced  twenty  feet  to  one  side,  and  stood 
on  his  hind  legs  whenever  he  saw  the  dress  of  a 
woman — but  I  was  occasionally  forced  to  make  use 
of  his  services.  The  train  happening  to  give  out, 
and  being  pressed  to  attend  to  some  business  in  town, 
I  had  him  harnessed,  and,  with  some  misgivings,  com- 
menced my  journey  toward  the  city.  By  great  care 
and  discretion,  I  managed  to  make  my  way  through 
the  village,  which  he  cleared  at  full  run,  in  conse- 
quence of  a  sudden  whistle  from  a  locomotive  at- 
tached to  a  dirt  train ;  over  the  bridge,  where  he 
shied  from  one  side  to  the  other,  grazing  both  the 
wheels  against  the  heavy  plank  balustrade ;  along 
Jackson's  Avenue,  where  he  bounced  up  and  down 
on  passing  every  market- wagon  or  hay-cart ;  on  board 
the  ferry-boat,  to  which  lie  was  only  constrained  by 


Success   of   the  Year.  245 

violent  abuse  and  the  pliysi(;al  strength  of  several 
of  the  hands  of  the  boat,  and  where  he  amused  hhn- 
self  by  pawing  steadily,  and  occasionally  backing  on 
the  horse  directly  behind,  and  thus  causing  much  ex- 
citement, bad  temper,  and  coarse  language  during  the 
entire  trip  ;  a^d  fairly  on  the  stone  pavements  of  the 
city  streets. 

By  this  time  I  had  lost  all  fear,  having  resigned 
myself  to  perfect  recklessness,  like  the  man  who,  aft- 
er being  exposed  a  thousand  times  to  death,  no  longer 
dreads  it ;  and  I  drove  up  Thirty-fourth  Street,  across 
the  tunnel  at  Fourth  Avenue,  and  into  Fifth  Avenue, 
as  though  there  was  no  such  thing  as  peril  in  my 
path.  Dow^n  our  fashionable  thoroughfare  I  pro- 
ceeded, assuming  rather  a  jaunty  and  professional 
air ;  I  squared  my  elbows,  held  my  whip  in  my  hand, 
taking  great  care  not  to  touch  Dandy  Jim,  however, 
and  looked  round  at  the  foot-passengers,  as  much  as 
to  say, "  I  am  not  afraid  to  drive  this  wild  animal ;  I 
do  it  every  day."  Unfortunately  for  the  triumph  of 
my  assumptions,  there  w^as  a  piece  of  paper  lying  di- 
rectly in  our  path. 

Now  Dandy  Jim  has  an  objection  to  paper,  why 
I  never  could  discover ;  but  paper,  white  or  brown, 
new^spaper  or  blank  paper,  leaves  or  letters,  is  to  him 
a  tiling  of  horror — his  very  soul  revolts  at  it.    It  cer- 


246  Five   Acres   too   Mucil 

taiiily  never  could  have  done  him  any  injury — it  is, 
except  as  a  vehicle  of  slander,  so  perfectly  harmless 
— but  he  seemed  to  hold  it  in  abject  terror.  This 
idiosyncracy  was  well  known  to  me,  but,  unfortunate- 
ly, my  mind  was  so  occupied  with  the  effect  I  was 
producing  that  I  did  not  notice  the  exciting  cause. 
To  aggravate  the  difficulty,  just  as  we  approached 
the  objectionable  article,  and  when  my  peculiar  ani- 
mal might  have  consented  to  pass  by  with  a  reason- 
able amount  of  self-restraint,  a  sudden  gust  blew  it 
directly  under  his  feet.  If  paper  was  his  detestation, 
moving  paper  w^as  a  monstrosity  magnified  fifty  fold ; 
he  reared  up  on  his  hind  legs,  made  one  bound  side- 
ways full  thirty  feet,  and  then,  stopping  suddenly, 
slipped  on  the  pavement,  and  fell  flat  on  his  side. 

Exactly  what  happened  to  me  I  never  could  de- 
termine. I  seemed  to  be  flying;  next  I  beheld  a 
splendid  coruscation  of  fire  -  w^orks ;  and  then  I 
aw^oke  to  find  myself  stretched  at  full  length  in  the 
street,  with  a  bloody  nose  and  a  scarcity  of  front 
teeth.  Dandy  Jim  regained  his  feet  more  quickly 
than  myself,  ran  away,  smashed  the  w^agon,  as  was 
his  wont,  and  w^ound  up  by  getting  shut  in  by  stages 
and  carts,  when  he  w^as  ignominiously  led  away  cap- 
the  by  a  stalwart  policeman.  I  gathered  myself  up 
as  well  as  I  could,  and  went  home  in  a  dilapidated 


Success  of  the  Year. 


247 


state.  This  led  to  my  selling  Dandy  Jim  and  buy- 
ing a  set  of  false  front  teeth ;  the  former  brought 
precisely  what  it  cost  to  pay  for  the  latter. 


Thus  it  was  that  I  overcame  a  prejudice  that  had 
long  beset  me  against  the  artificial  productions  of 
manufacturing  dentistry.  This  objection  exists  in 
the  minds  of  many  persons,  although  nothing  can  be 
more  unfounded.  If  there  is  any  thing  tliat  is  an 
utterly  miserable  failure,  it  is  the  natui*al  set  of  teetL 


248     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

From  almost  the  hour  when  we  come  into  the  world, 
mitil  the  time  when  we  quit  it,  or  so  long  as  a  stump 
or  root  remains,  our  teeth  are  a  source  of  annoyance 
to  us.  They  have  to  be  cut,  and  then  pulled  out,  that 
they  may  "  cut  and  come  again."  As  babies,  we  are 
"  never  ourselves"  for  the  cutting  of  our  teeth ;  when 
w^e  grow  older  we  w^ish  we  were  any  body  else,  from 
the  misery  they  cause  us.  They  ache,  and  decay,  and 
break ;  they  come  out  when  they  should  stay  in,  and 
stay  in  when  they  should  come  out;  they  torture  and 
torment  us  till  we  only  get  rid  of  them  with  life 
itself. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  artificial  teeth  never  pain 
the  possessor,  rarely  break,  and,  if  broken,  are  easily 
replaced ;  are  readily  cleaned,  do  not  fall  out,  but 
can  be  removed  at  pleasure.  They  are  infinitely 
handsomer  than  their  ugly,  irregular,  uneven,  discol- 
ored, and  dirty  prototj-pes.  These  exquisite  produc- 
tions of  art  are  made  of  a  delicate,  pearly  shade  of 
white ;  tliey  form  a  perfect  row  of  well-proportioned 
beauty,  undistinguishable  from  the  genuine  article, 
their  very  gums  matching  and  (ilosely  fitting  the  nat- 
ural flesh  beneath  them ;  they  never  inflict  a  tortur- 
ing tooth-ache,  driving  man  crazy  with  pain,  and 
keeping  him  sleepless  the  long,  dreary  nights ;  they 
r'^quire  no  filling — an  operation  that  the  unfortunate 


Success   of   the  Year.  249 

possessor  of  living  teeth  dreads  only  less  than  the 
rack  itself ;  and  they  do  not  have  to  be  pulled  out, 
with  an  agony  comparable  to  the  effect  of  drawing 
the  entire  brain  out  through  the  hole  at  the  roots. 

From  my  experience  before  and  since  my  acci- 
dent, I  should  certainly  advise  my  fellow-creatures 
to  have  as  little  to  do  with  real  teeth  as  possible,  and 
to  substitute  the  imitation  as  soon  as  they  can.  There 
may  be  a  certain  amount  of  sufPering  in  having  teeth, 
and  especially  sound  ones,  extracted,  but  the  satisfac- 
tion of  being  finally  rid  of  the  troublesome  things 
more  than  pays  for  the  temporary  annoyance.  A 
natural  set  wdll  become  dirty  in  spite  of  endless 
scrubbing  w^ith  the  tooth-brush ;  some  are  invariably 
longer  than  others ;  there  are  projections  and  depres- 
sions ;  wherever  they  lap,  tartar  settles ;  inside  it  is 
impossible  to  get  at  them  at  all,  and  they  compel  a 
half-yearly  interview  with  the  dentist,  from  which 
one  comes  away  greatly  unnerved.  Their  substitutes 
are  a  great  improvement  to  one's  personal  appear- 
ance, and  never  cause  the  slightest  inconvenience, 
besides  saving  hours  in  cleaning,  that,  in  a  long  life, 
amount  to  an  aggregate  of  years.  The  new  teeth 
were  so  far  superior  to  those  that  they  replaced,  that 
they  are  valued  on  the  credit  side  of  the  account  at 
a  hundred  dollars,  showing  a  clear  profit  of  one  hun- 
L2 


250  F I V  E  A  c  K  y:  s   t  o  o   M  u  c  it. 

dred  per  cent.  In  fact,  I  regard  this  discovery  as  one 
of  the  most  valuable,  if  not  the  very  most  valuable, 
of  the  results  of  my  country  exj)erience. 

The  premises  are  set  down  at  an  increase  of  one 
thousand  dollars,  and,  if  my  readers  had  seen  the  dif- 
ference between  a  bare  tract  of  land  and  a  garden 
blooming  with  beauty,  odorous  w^ith  fragrance,  and 
smiling  with  abundance,  they  would  have  felt  tliat 
the  improvement  was  stated  at  too  low  a  rate.  The 
strawberries  are  also  put  at  a  large  advance  upon 
tlie  prime  cost;  but  a  thriving  bed  of  this  excellent 
fruit,  bidding  fair  to  supply  the  wants  of  the  entire 
household,  to  gratify  friends,  and  to  supply  the  place 
of  costlier  desserts,  was  well  worth  a  round  sum  of 
money.  It  certainly  cost  me  much  care  and  anxiety ; 
it  had  failed  once,  and  threatened  at  first  to  give  out 
the  second  time,  but  finally  had  proved  an  absolute 
success,  and  was  already  becoming  the  parent  of 
other  plantations. 

Among  the  items  of  yearly  expense  will  be  found  in- 
cluded a  charge  for  entrance-fee  to  the  skating-pond. 
This  may  at  first  seem  to  be  more  of  a  luxury  than 
an  actual  necessity,  but,  as  it  was  clear  that  I  should 
not  have  incurred  it  if  I  had  not  been  in  Flushing,  I 
put  it  down.  My  yearly  receipts  do  not  represent  so 
much  income  actually  received,  for,  as  has  been  stated 


Success   of   the  Year.  251 

previously,  there  did  not  appear  to  be  a  market  for 
garden  produce  in  Flushing,  but  are  given  as  tlie 
amount  I  should  have  had  to  pay  if  I  had  bought 
the  various  articles  at  retail  prices.  This  is  clearly 
proper;  for,  if  we  had  wanted  them  to  eat,  had  pur- 
chased them  at  the  stalls,  and  liad  paid  the  current 
charges,  there  would  have  been  just  so  much  addi- 
tional outlay ;  tliat  w^e  did  not  eat  tliem  is  no  answer, 
for  w^e  could  have  done  so  had  we  wished. 

This  exhibit  was  certainly  entirely  satisfactory ;  the 
account  had  steadily  improved,  and  bade  fair  soon  to 
show  a  large  income.  I  liave  even  gone  so  far  as  to 
leave  out  of  question  rent  saved,  dissipation  at  Sara- 
toga avoided,  health  improved,  digestion  invigorated, 
pure  air  enjoyed,  and  a  thousand  other  matters  for 
which  we  pay  so  dearly ;  I  merely  take  the  liard,  dr}^ 
figures — the  positive  profit  and  loss  in  dollars  and 
cents — and  they  give  a  clear  net  profit  of  nearly 
eight  hundred  dollars.  Nothing  could  be  asked 
more  promising  than  this ;  if  it  went  on  improving 
at  this  rate,  there  was  no  telling  where  it  would  stop. 
Farming  had  evidently  proved  itself  a  source  of  vast 
wealth.  "We  were  nowhere  near  the  limit  of  the  pro- 
ductiveness of  my  five  acres,  and,  with  additional  at- 
tention, we  might  reasonably  anticipate  increased  re- 
turns.    The  result  was  so  encouraging,  the  life  at 


252 


Five  Acres   too   Much. 


Flushing  so  clianning,  the  access  to  the  city  so  easy, 
that  I  resolved  to  move  there  permanently.  There 
was  much  to  be  done  besides  sleigh-riding  and  skat- 
ing, even  in  the  winter  months ;  roots  had  to  be  stored 
from  frost,  bulbs  required  attention,  potatoes  and  tur- 
nips demanded  care,  chicken-coops  had  to  be  built, 
forcing-frames  dug,  and  a  green-house  erected.  Tak- 
ing all  these  things  into  consideration,  I  resolved  to 
abandon  the  city,  and,  in  spite  of  frozen  ground,  deep 
snows,  piercing  winds,  and  muddy  roads,  to  devote 
myself  to  agricultural  pursuits. 


pBErAiiATiojss   FOK   Kemoval.      253 


CHAPTEE    XVIII. 

PEEPARATIONS    FOE   REMOVAL. 

TN  the  last  chapter  I  have  stated  that  so  charming 
did  the  country  seem  to  me,  so  pure  its  pleasures, 
and  profitable  its  cultivation,  that  I  resolved  to  re- 
move there  permanently,  and  give  up  entirely  the 
less  lucrative,  if  more  distinguished,  pursuit  of  the 
law.  A  most  essential  preparation  for  this  change 
was  the  necessity  of  cultivating  and  increasing  the 
present  stock  of  plants  —  the  tender  and  fragile 
things  requiring  winter  protection — which  the  abun- 
dance of  the  last  year  had  left  me.  My  stock  was 
not,  perhaps,  what  finished  gardeners  would  call 
choice ;  they  were  not  those  out-of-the-way  foreign 
productions  which  only  rejoice  in  one  name,  and  that 
a  polysyllabic  Latin  one;  but,  although  they  were 
equally  entitled  to  a  scientific  appellation,  they  were 
generally  known  under  common  ones.  I  had  an 
abundance  of  carnations,  which  I  had  sometimes  re- 
ferred to  as  varieties  of  Dianthus  caryojphyllus 
when  my  uneducated  city  visitors  called  to  see  me. 
There  was  quite  a  stock  of  scarlet  geranium ;  for,  al- 


254  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

though  I  had  ordered  from  the  florist  at  Flushing  a 
dozen  different  colors,  he  had  determined  that  one 
kind  would  answer  mj  purposes.  There  were  a  few 
of  the  exquisite  hellis  jperennis  Ilortensis^  more  gen- 
erally known  as  daisies.  But  of  all  my  treasures, 
the  most  numerous  of  any  one  kind  was  a  great  vari- 
ety of  verbenas,  which  I  had  raised  from  seed,  and 
which  had  sported  into  every  variety  of  color,  except 
— as  Weeville  once  said  when  he  was  in  an  envious 
mood — a  handsome  one ;  but  tastes  differ. 

These  valuable  plants  must  be  protected  during 
the  winter,  and  preparations  had  to  be  made  to  in- 
sure their  being  turned  into  the  beds  the  ensuing 
spring  in  healthy  condition.  To  this  end  it  was  nec- 
essary to  add  to  the  books  of  reference.  To  "  Breck's 
Book  of  Flowers,"  and  Eand's  "  Work  on  the  Gar- 
den," which  I  already  possessed,  I  added  Beust's 
"Flower  Garden  Directory;"  Leuchar's  "How  to 
Build  Hot-houses ;"  Todd's  "  Young  Farmer's  Man- 
ual;" Fullers  "Small  Fruit  Culturist;"  Warder's 
"American  Pomology;"  Dr.  Chase's  "Recipes,  or 
Information  for  Every  Body;"  Mead's  "American 
Grape  Culture,"  besides  a  number  of  others  equally 
learned  and  abstruse,  in  addition  to  subscribing  for 
tlie  American  Agriculturist,  I  put  my  name  down 
for  the  Farmer's  Friend^  and  the  American  Farm- 


Preparations    for   R  e  m  o  v  a  l.      255 

<?/•,  as  well  as  the  London  Field^  which  always  con- 
tained a  valuable  article  on  "  Work  for  the  Week," 
that  ga^•e  nie  a  number  of  important  suggestions. 
The  thorough  study  of  these  fOr  the  space  of  a  month 
made  me  perfectly  acquainted  with  the  subject  in 
hand ;  they  not  only  told  me  all  about  green-houses 
and  window-culture,  but  gave  me  valuable  hints 
about  propagating  vines,  pruning  trees,  increasing 
and  improving  manure,  building  concrete  walls,  skhi- 
ning  sheep,  sawing  logs,  chopping  down  trees,  and 
concerning  a  vast  number  of  other  subjects,  all  of 
which  information  might  prove  exceedingly  useful 
some  day  or  other  if  my  faiming  enterprises  pro- 
ceeded. 

By  the  aid  of  these  works  it  was  ascertained  that 
plants  could  be  grown  advantageously  in  a  room  of 
an  ordinary  dwelling-house,  provided  the  proper  care 
was  exercised.  This  was  quite  satisfactory,  as,  un- 
fortunately, I  had  no  other  place  than  the  fourth- 
story  room  of  my  house  in  the  city  to  devote  to  my 
new  proteges.  Under  the  published  directions,  which 
I  studied  over  till  I  had  them  by  heart,  a  room  with 
a  southerly  exposure  w^as  selected,  a  staging  was 
erected  in  front  of  the  windows,  and  the  gas  was  so 
secured  that  no  thoughtless  person  could  turn  it  on 
and  poison  the  air  of  the  extemporized  green-house. 


256     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

The  preparatory  study  and  the  final  execution  of  the 
plans  recommended  had  somewhat  delayed  the  fall 
potting  of  the  plants,  until  a  few  frosts  had  warned 
me  that  there  was  no  time  to  lose.  Unfortunately, 
when  I  appointed  a  day  for  effecting  the  transfer 
from  the  garden  to  pots  and  boxes,  and  went  to 
Flushing  for  the  express  purpose,  I  discovered,  to  my 
dismay,  that  Patrick  was  in  a  great  state  of  confusion 
as  to  wliich  flowers  w^ere  hardy  and  which  required 
removal.  As  my  reading  had  not  extended  to  that 
question,  or  I  had  forgotten  it  amid  the  extensive  list 
generally  catalogued,  I  had  to  go  mainly  on  what 
might  be  called  general  principles.  By  general  |)rin- 
ciples  is  meant  that,  as  the  cold  had  been  pretty  se- 
vere, it  might  be  presumed  to  have  exercised  a  pre- 
liminary influence  on  the  tender  species ;  so,  wherever 
a  perennial  w^as  observed  to  be  withered  and  have  a 
sickly  appearance  in  its  leaves,  it  was  taken  up  and 
potted. 

Fortunately,  I  was  well  acquainted  with  the  char- 
acteristics of  verbenas,  carnations,  and  Jolmny-jump- 
aps,  and  selected  them  without  trouble;  but  as  to 
other  mattei-s,  I  felt,  to  the  last,  that  there  was  con- 
siderable uncertainty.  The  verbenas  having  struck 
root  at  every  joint,  and  as  I  felt  that  not  one  must  be 
lost,  a  very  considerable  number  of  pots  was  neces-' 


P  R  K  r  A  R  A  T  I  O  N  S     FOR     K  E  M  O  V  A  T,.        257 

sary,  and  the  time  I  could  spare  for  personal  super- 
vision was  exliausted  long  before  the  work  of  trans- 
planting was  accomplished.  It  was  necessary,  there- 
fore, to  leave  Patrick  to  his  own  unaided  resources, 
with  such  advice  and  instruction  as  it  was  probable 
he  would  appreciate. 

He  evinced  his  usual  enthusiasm  and  self-reliance, 
and  within  a  few  days  arrived  at  my  city  residence 
with  a  wagon  full  of  what  the  books  termed  "bed- 
ding plants,"  and  assured  me  he  "had  the  likes  of 
that  three  times  over."  The  labor  of  carrying  a  hun- 
dred pots  full  of  earth  up  four  flights  of  stairs  is  ex- 
cessive ;  and  ere  Patrick's  reserve  was  exhausted,  I 
was  much  the  same  myself.  Nevertheless,  pereever- 
ance  conquered,  and  we  finally  transported  the  last 
pot,  managing  to  break  less  than  a  dozen  on  the  way. 
Unfortunately,  some  of  Patrick's  trips  were  made 
during  a  cold  snap  that  we  had,  and  it  is  possible 
that  the  frost  slightly  damaged  the  plants,  which  did 
not  seem  exactly  healthy  when  they  arrived.  There 
were  some  amons;  them  that  I  did  not  recoojnize  ac- 
curately,  and  one  in  particular  looked  so  strange, 
that  I  inquired  of  Patrick  what  it  was.  In  answer 
to  my  question,  he  scratched  his  head  for  a  second, 
poked  his  finger  mider  the  stunted  foliage,  peered  in 
among  the  leaves  inquiringly,  and  finally  said  an- 


258  Five   Acres    too   Much. 


tlioritatively,  "  That !  why  that's  a  verbayny,  sure ; 
and  yer  honor  knows  a  verbayny  as  well  as  meself ." 
"  But,  Patrick,  that  does  not  look  at  all  like  a  ver- 
bena ;  it  has  a  very  different  leaf.  Are  you  confi- 
dent that  you  are  right  f  My  honest  servitor  looked 
at  me  a  moment  reproachfully,  and  then  replied  in- 
terrogatively," And  does  yer  honor  tliink  I'd  be  after 
decaiving  you  about  such  a  tiling  as  a  verbayny?" 
Of  course,  there  was  notliing  moi-e  to  be  said,  and  the 


Preparations   for   Kemoval.      259 

difference  in  leaf,  which  seemed  so  puzzling,  must 
have  been  due  to  what  florists  would  designate  as  a 
sportive  change  in  the  plant — possibly  the  first  speci- 
men of  a  new  and  valuable  seedling. 

I  tended  those  plants  carefully ;  water  was  given 
them  regularly,  the  windows  were  opened  on  every 
genial  day,  and  the  directions  contained  in  my  books 
were  marked,  and  re-read  daily,  to  insure  the  observ- 
ance of  every  important  point.  Still  the  plants  did 
not  seem  to  thrive.  They  grew  weaker  slowly,  but 
steadily ;  every  morning  found  them  less  vigorous, 
and  often  was  marked  by  a  premature  death.  In 
fact,  the  living  ones  diminished  quite  rapidly,  and 
ere  a  month  had  elapsed  nearly  all  had  perished  ut- 
terly. Tliis  epidemic  was  peculiarly  fatal  among 
my  verbenas,  although  the  books  had  described  them 
as  being  rather  unusually  hardy ;  and  with  the  ex- 
ception of  Patrick's  new  seedling,  which  was  vigor- 
ous enough,  they  w^ere  either  dead  or  dying.  This 
was  quite  an  aj^palling  state  of  affairs.  Recourse 
was  had  to  my  literary  counselors ;  recipes  were 
found  for  curing  mildew,  bugs,  borers,  red  spiders, 
and  a  large  number  of  other  difficulties,  but  nothing 
on  the  subject  of  general  debility. 

My  flowers  had  no  active  disease,  unless  it  were  an 
analogy  to  human  consumption,  or  what  our  quack 


200  Five   Acres    too   Mud  it. 

doctors  describe  as  a  loss  of  manly  vigor;  and  as 
these  complaints  are  not  referred  to  in  liorticultural 
works,  and  as  the  medicines  guaranteed  to  cure  the 
human  frame  could  hardly  be  expected  to  benefit 
them,  I  scarcely  knew  what  to  do.  In  despair,  I 
purchased  some  whale-oil  soap,  and  proceeded  to 
w^ash  the  leaves  with  that  highly-recommended  com- 
pound. Perhaps  whale-oil  soap  is  not  advantageous 
in  general  debility ;  perhaps  it  was  made  too  strong, 
or  ap23lied  too  often.  Under  its  application,  my  fu- 
ture progenitors  of  bedding  beauties  perished  faster 
than  ever.  A  solitary  fuchsia,  that  had  been  pur- 
chased the  spring  previous,  went  early ;  the  roses  fol- 
lowed precipitately ;  the  daisies  were  not  far  behind ; 
the  verbenas  made  haste  after  these ;  the  carnations 
followed  in  this  headlong  race,  until,  in  spite  of  the 
most  tender  care,  the  most  scientific  nursing,  the 
most  approved  protection  and  artistic  cultivation,  ere 
spring  arrived,  the  entire  collection  was  dead  save 
one — that  famous  new  seedling  verbena  of  Patrick's 
discovery.  It  still  lived,  not  flourishingly  nor  en- 
thusiastically— not  as  though  it  could  endure  mucli 
more  assistance — but,  as  the  pleasant  days  were  near 
at  hand,  exhibiting  sufficient  strength  to  last  till  the 
winds  of  heaven  could  be  trusted  not  to  visit  its 
cheek  too  roughly. 


P  R  P:  P  A  R  A  T  I  O  N  R     FOR     R  K  M  C)  V  A  I..        261 

My  assiduity  in  tending  that  solitary  plant  was 
praiseworthy.  Nothing  was  left  undone  that  could 
insure  its  welfare ;  water,  warmed  to  a  proper  tem- 
perature, a  sufficiency  of  fi*esh  air,  occasional  sup- 
plies of  a  little  new  earth  or  well-rotted  manure,  a 
gentle  stirring  of  the  surface,  and  pruning  of  strag- 
gling and  superfluous  sprouts — none  of  these  were 
omitted.  In  spite  of  this  attention,  it  remained  pale, 
yellow,  and  feeble,  so  deadly  must  have  been  the  na- 
ture of  the  unknown  and  invisible  malaria  that  had 
penetrated  into  my  green-house ;  but  it  survived  the 
danger.  It  became  gradually  weaker  as  March  pass- 
ed by  and  April  advanced,  but  was  still  alive  when, 
in  May,  after  it  had  been  carefully  hardened  off  by 
progressive  exposure  to  the  air,  it  was  once  more 
consigned  to  the  earth  of  the  garden.  The  fuchsia 
was  gone ;  tlie  roses,  the  daisies,  the  carnations,  were 
no  more ;  its  brothers  had  fallen  by  the  way-side ; 
but  this  peculiar  variety — this  child  of  my  own  rais- 
ing— this  new  species,  that  had  no  equal  for  hardness, 
and  probably  would  have  none  in  beauty — this  seed- 
ling, that  was  destined  to  electrify  the  floral  world — 
this  original  discovery,  which  I  had  already  mental- 
ly resolved  should  make  my  name  immortal  as  the 
Verbena  Barnwellii — was  saved !  That  was  all-suf- 
ficient. 


262  Five  Acres   too   Mugii. 

Weeville  had  inquired  from  time  to  time  how  the 
scientific  cooking -shop,  as  lie  ironically  designated 
my  green-house — because  the  dry  furnace-air  which 
ascended  to  the  upper  story  did  make  it  rather  w^arm 
— was  progressing,  and  sarcastically  remarked  that  a 
hundred  new  and  healthy  plants  could  be  bought  in 
the  spring  for  what  it  would  cost  to  keep  one  over 
the  winter.  But  I  had  too  much  confidence  in  the 
books  which  I  had  studied  to  believe  in  his  old  fogy 
notions.  I  had  put  him  off  with  "  glittering  general- 
ities," intending  to  keep  my  discovery  a  secret,  and 
enjoying  by  anticipation  his  amazement  and  rage 
when  he  should  find  that  a  mere  tyro,  by  scientific 
appliances,  could  surpass  an  experienced  hand  like 
himself,  and  do  that  which  was  beyond  his  utmost 
hope — originate  a  new  variety.  I  had  intended  wait- 
ing till  my  plant  had  recovered  its  vigor  under  the 
influence  of  the  "  wanton  w^ind"  and  the  w^arm  sun  ; 
but  as  it  did  not  improve  rapidly,  and  no  doubt 
missed  my  fostering  care,  I  took  an  early  opportuni- 
ty to  invite  him  into  my  garden. 

There  were  a  number  of  roses,  fuchsias,  and  other 
bedding  plants  that  I  had  just  purchased  and  set  out, 
and  he  remarked  at  once,  with  a  laugh, 

"  So  your  cook-house  did  not  work ;  you  have  had 
to  buy  new  plants  after  all.     Furnace-houses,  with 


Preparations    for    Removal.      2Chj 

drv,\iot,  parched  air,  are  poor  places  for  green  leaves 
and  thirsty  vegetable  mouths.  Moisture  is  a  neces- 
sity to  the  cultivation  of  flowers,  and  it  will  not  an- 
swer perfectly  when  apphed  only  to  the  roots." 

During  this  discourse  I  had  led  him  toward  the 
new  seedling,  and  at  the  proper  moment  I  replied, 

"  That  may  be  true ;  but  the  satisfaction  of  tend- 
ing one's  own  flowers  is  great ;  the  pleasure  of  watch- 
ing them  is  suflicient  reward ;  and  then  there  is  al- 
ways a  chance  of  effecting  something  original." 

"Yes,  there  is  that,  no  doubt.  Amateur  green- 
houses are  original  enough." 

"  I  mean  there  is  a  possibility  of  making  some  dis- 
covery, of  starting  a  new  variety.  For  instance,"  1 
said,  slowly  and  impressively,  "  look  at  that ;  is  not 
that  reward  enough  for  all  my  trouble  ?" 

"  Look  at  what/^"  he  replied,  peering  about  in  a 
stnpid  way,  striving  not  to  notice  the  w^onderful 
plant  at  his  feet,  and  stopping  in  a  doubtful  way 
when  his  eyes  finally  rested  on  it. 

"  Ay,  look  at  it.  Study  it  well,"  I  continued,  en- 
tluisiastically.  "  Examine  its  texture  and  its  foli- 
age ;  observe  the  delicate  edge  of  each  leaf ;  the 
tender  strength  of  each  spray.  Conceive  its  future 
freshness  of  beauty,  and  the  glory  its  discovery  will 
confer." 


264  Five  Acres    too   Mug  it. 

"  Are  you  talking  of  tliat  ?"  Weeville  inquired, 
giving  the  sacred  flower  a  sacrilegious  shove  with 
the  toe  of  his  boot.  "  Why,  what  do  you  take  that 
for?" 

"  What  do  I  take  it  for  ?  You  may  well  inquire. 
I  take  it  for  the  Verbena  Ba/i'nwellii^  the  crowning 
glory—" 

"  Verbena  fiddlesticks !  It  is  nothing  but  a  weed 
— a  piece  of  wild  sorrel,  just  like  a  dozen  others 
hereabouts,  for  they  seem  to  abound  in  your  garden 
— only  it  is  rather  miserable  looking,  and  is  near 
about  dead  from  some  cause  or  other.  But  what 
has  that  to  do  with  your  city  green-house  ?" 

Explanations  were  unnecessary.  Patrick  had 
made  a  mistake ;  he  had  either  taken  up  a  weed 
for  a  verbena,  or  had  potted  a  weed  and  verbena 
together,  and  the  verbena  had  died  early,  for  certain 
it  was  that  my  new  seedling,  the  puzzling  variety  of 
an  old  species,  w^as  nothing  but  an  ugly  specimen  of 
worthless  sorrel.  It  died  soon  after.  I  was  glad  it 
did.  Possibly  scientific  hot-house  culture  is  not  ben- 
eficial to  weeds,  but  until  it  perislied  of  itself  I  liad 
not  the  heart  to  dig  it  up,  and  thus  put  a  violent  end 
to  so  many  vain  hopes  and  promising  anticipations. 
The  Yerhenxi  Barnwellii  is  still  in  the  undiscovered 
future.     Patrick  had  committed  other  errors;  most 


PkEI'AK  ATIONS     FOR     R  E  M  O  V  A  L.        265 

of  the  plants  that  he  had  taken  up  ought  to  have 
been  left  out,  and  most  of  those  that  were  left  out 
should  have  been  taken  up.  The  results  of  this  prac- 
tice convinced  nie  that  Weeville  was  right,  and  that 
it  is  cheaper  to  buy  plants  than  to  raise  them,  even 
with  all  the  aids  of  modern  science ;  and  that,  if  any 
gentleman  finds  too  many  weeds  in  his  garden,  he 
has  only  to  remove  them  to  his  green-house  and  cul- 
tivate them  assiduously  to  exterminate  them  rapidly. 

M 


^^ 


266  Five  Ackes  too  Much. 


CHAPTER    XIX 

A   GREAT   RUNNER. 

XN  describing  the  unfortunate  termination  of  my 
efforts  to  winter  our  stock,  I  have  advanced  a 
little  beyond  the  regular  order  of  events.  There 
was  much  other  work  to  be  done  in  the  garden,  even 
without  referring  to  the  masses  of  bedding  plants 
and  the  quantities  of  new  seeds  that  I  had  purchased. 
As  the  third  season  opened,  a  renewed  energy  took 
possession  of  me,  and  I  went  at  digging  and  planting 
like  a  giant  refreshed.  There  was  no  longer  a  sense 
of  desolation  around  my  place.  The  florists  and  nur- 
serymen, under  my  careful  instruction,  had  set  out 
trees,  and  planted  flowers,  and  got  hedges  in  order, 
until  Nature  in  my  five  acres  was  bursting  from  a 
smile  into  a  grin.  It  is  true  tliat  the  cows  of  the 
neighborhood,  which  w^ere  invariably  allowed  to  roam 
w^hithersoever  tliey  listed,  had  fed  rather  profusely  on 
the  evergreens,  breaking  down  the  tops  and  nipping 
off  the  ends  of  the  branches ;  that  here  and  tliere  the 
hedges  had  died  out,  and  left  yawning  gaps ;  but,  on 


A     GREAT     KUNNER.  267 

the  whole,  there  was  a  remarkable  change.  It  was 
at  this  point  that  I  bethought  me  of  an  omission  from 
my  flower  garden  which  was  as  surprising  as  it  was 
inexcusable ;  hitlierto  I  had  neglected  doing  justice 
to  the  gourd  tribe. 

I  am  great  on  gourds ;  they  are  my  specialty.  I 
will  undertake  to  grow  them  against  the  world,  and 
will  meet  Jonah  in  a  fair  field,  and  no  miracles,  any 
time ;  in  fact,  I  am  a  perfect  Jonah  on  gourds.  In 
early  youth,  when  my  gardening  was  confined  to  a 
city  yard,  my  gourds  were  the  first,  and  fattest,  and 
yellow^est  to  be  seen ;  and,  from  that  remote  period 
to  the  time  of  which  I  speak,  I  liad  always  felt  an 
affection  for  the  beautiful  fruit,  and  wondered  why 
Nature  did  not  put  more  in  it.  Of  course  there 
must  be  gourds  in  my  garden,  in  spite  of  their  being 
a  useless  production  and  very  hollow — Weeville  made 
a  joke  about  their  beating  other  fruit  all  hollow — 
and,  except  to  make  fragile  w^ater-dippers  (which,  by 
the  w^ay,  no  one  ever  makes  of  them),  quite  worth- 
less; so  I  not  only  planted  the  seeds  in  the  open 
garden,  but  forced  some  in  the  hot-beds. 

My  special  favorites  were  tliree  seeds  of  an  almost 
unknown  variety,  called  Hercules'  Club,  upon  the  past 
liistory  and  future  prospects  of  which  I  could  get 
little  information.     I  planted  these  little  germs  of 


268  Five  A  c  k  e  s   too  Much. 

promise  in  a  prominent  place  in  the  front  beds,  and 
watched  with  tender  care  till  they  came  up.  A  pale, 
delicate,  juicy  little  spear,  guarded  by  its  two  seed- 
lobes,  pushed  its  w^ay  above  ground,  where  it  seemed 
ill  suited  to  battle  with  the  breeze  and  brave  the  sun, 
that  threatened  to  break  or  consume  it.  My  solici- 
tude became  greater  when  the  feeble  stem  put  forth 
a  feebler  leaf,  not  larger  than  one's  finger-nail,  and 
so  thin  that  the  tracing  of  the  veins  was  like  gossa- 
mer. My  horror,  therefore,  can  be  imagined  when  I 
found,  on  the  ensuing  morning,  that  a  squash-bug 
had  fallen  upon  my  tender  nursling  and  eaten  the 
leaf  all  up. 

I  killed  that  bug.  He  endeavored  to  slip  into  the 
earth,  but  I  slew  him  without  remorse.  He  was  not 
an  ugly  bug  in  outward  appearance;  entomologists 
might  even  have  called  him  handsome ;  his  colors 
were  a  mixture  of  gilt  and  black,  but  his  beauty  was 
no  protection.  The  next  day  another  delicate  leaf 
rewarded  my  protection,  but  the  following  morning 
another  squash-bug  devoured  it ;  he  met  the  fate  of 
his  predecessor ;  but,  when  a  third  leaf  was  disposed 
of  in  the  same  way,  the  result  began  to  be  doubtful ; 
the  question  was  arising,  which  would  give  out  first, 
the  squash-bugs  or  the  leaves  ?  Having  heard  that 
wood-ashes  was  good  to  drive  away  bugs,  I  was  about 


A   grp:at   Kunner.  269 

applying  a  close,  when  Patrick  assured  me  tliat  they 
would  "  scorcli  such  a  little  mite  of  a  thing  all  up ;" 
and,  as  I  had  already  discovered  that  no  reliance 
could  be  placed  on  tobacco,  I  was  nearly  at  what 
ladies  call  their  'Svits'  end" — whichever  end  that 
may  be,  when  Weeville  again  came  to  the  rescue. 

"  Squash-bugs !"  he  said ;  "  there  is  no  need  of  ever 
being  troubled  by  them.  Nature  always  has  a  rem- 
edy for.  all  Nature's  ills,  if  we  only  look  for  it. 
Onions,  my  boy,  are  the  thing.  Does  a  squash-bug 
ever  eat  an  onion  ?  No,  sir.  Then  make  him  eat  it, 
and  see  how  it  agrees  with  him.  I  used  to  be  both- 
ered with  them  among  my  cucumber-vines  till  I  put 
a  few  onions  in  eacli  hill.  No  more  bugs  now.  I 
never  lose  a  leaf — not  a  single  leaf.  When  you  plant 
gourds  next  time,  put  in  a  few  onion-seeds  at  the 
same  time,  and  you  will  have  no  trouble.  The  smell 
does  it." 

This  w^as  very  fine  for  the  future,  but  I  wanted  to 
save  my  Hercules'  Club  for  the  present ;  so  I  thought 
to  myself  that  if  onions  would  answer  when  grown 
in  the  vicinity,  why  w^ould  they  not  answer  if  re- 
moved to  the  place,  and  kept  renewed  from  time  to 
time  ?  There  was  no  scarcity  of  onions,  and  if  we  did 
not  use  them  in  this  way,  it  w^as  doubtful  whether 
they  would  be  used  at  all,  so  I  immediately  gathered 


270  !PivE  Acres    too   Much. 

a  quantity,  and  built  a  lireastwork  of  bull)S  and  stalks 
round  niy  little  pets.  At  this  time  tlie  sprouts  were 
bare,  having  been  stripped  by  our  remorseless  ene- 
mies ;  but  next  morning  still  another  leaf  put  for- 
ward its  claim  to  recognition  —  somewhat  weaker, 
perliaps,  than  the  earlier  ones,  but  still  a  leaf.  By 
sundown  it  was  fully  developed,  and  iny  anxiety  can 
be  imagined  to  learn  its  fate  next  day.  I  was  up  and 
dressed  by  sunrise,  and,  to  my  great  delight,  found 
the  leaf  there  and  no  squash-bug. 

The  victory  was  won.  The  fatal  chevaux-de-frise 
was  renewed  daily,  and  proved  itself  an  effectual  bar- 
rier to  the  foe.  One  leaf  followed  another ;  they  in- 
creased in  size ;  the  stalk  mounted  a  few  inches,  and 
was  secured  to  a  stake.  This  appeared  to  be  the 
turning-point  of  the  plant's  existence.  It  suddenly 
began  to  grow,  and,  having  exhibited  its  feebleness 
in  infancy,  now  commenced  to  show  its  strength.  In 
one  night  it  grew  a  foot,  and  up  it  rushed,  in  a  few 
days,  to  the  top  of  the  stake.  Tliere  were  three 
plants  in  all,  not  far  apart,  and  they  had  soon  climb- 
ed as  high  as  they  could  on  their  supports.  Huge 
broad  leaves,  as  large  as  a  straw  hat,  made  their  ap- 
pearance. Fresh  stakes  had  to  be  inserted,  and  then, 
when  these  were  covered,  which  happened  in  a  few 
days,  still  larger  ones  were  substituted.    My  skill  had 


A   GREAT  Runner.  271 

been  tested  in  inducing  the  wonderful  plant  to  grow, 
and  I  was  not  to  be  outdone  now.  Hoops  were  ar- 
ranged from  post  to  post  like  a  single  section  of  an 
arbor;  cross-pieces  were  added,  and  still  the  plant 
outran  them.  I  was  becoming  weak,  and,  having 
beaten  Jonah,  was  trying  a  match  with  Jack  of  the 
famous  "  Beanstalk,"  with  heavy  odds  in  my  own 
opinion  that  I  should  win.  It  was  still  early  summer, 
and  where  my  gourds  would  end  ere  the  season  was 
over  seemed  doubtful. 

Unfortunately,  at  this  stage  of  the  contest  there 
came  up  a  storm  of  wind  and  rain.  This  was  a  con- 
tingency that  had  not  entered  my  mind.  My  sup- 
ports were  frail,  my  lashings  insecure ;  in  an  instant 
the  whole  structure  was  leveled  to  the  ground.  With- 
out waiting  to  tear  my  garments,  as  I  should  have 
done  if  I  had  been  Jonah,  I  rushed  bareheaded  into 
tlie  storm,  fearing  that  an  hour's  delay  would  give 
the  gourd  a  start  never  to  be  overcome,  and  again 
raised  my  frame-work  and  secured  it  more  firmly. 
Still  the  gourd  grew.  I  led  strings  in  all  directions, 
but,  not  satisfied  with  these,  it  spread  over  the  ground, 
covered  my  small  plants,  crawled  up  the  neighboring 
bushes  and  trees,  crept  out  into  the  paths,  and  threat- 
ened to  occupy  the  entire  garden.  I  was  still  brave- 
ly contending  against  the  inevitable,  when  destrue- 


272     Five  Acees  too  Much. 

tion  in  the  shape  of  another  stonn  (;anie  upon  nie  in 
the  niglit,  and  the  following  morning  found  my  la- 
bors again  stretched  upon  the  ground. 

This  proved  too  much  for  me,  and,  giving  in  at 
once,  I  called  Patrick  to  do  what  he  could  under  the 
circumstances.  He  straightway  sunk  two  stout  posts 
and  braced  them  with  guys  in  every  direction,  and 
then  we  let  the  Clubs — of  which  these  certainly  seem- 
ed to  be  the  kings — follow  their  own  fancy  and  grow 
till  they  should  be  tired.  Being  in  a  conspicuous 
part  of  the  garden — in  fact,  pretty  thoroughly  hiding 
the  smaller  flowers — our  friends  had  been  deeply  in- 
terested, and,  never  having  seen  the  vine  before,  won- 
dered what  kind  of  fruit  it  bore.  It  had  produced 
abundance  of  white  flowers,  in  shape  somewhat  like 
the  yellow  blossoms  of  the  squash,  but  they  fell  ofP, 
"  leaving  not  a  wrack  behind,"  nor  any  fruit.  I  could 
not  find  that  Jonah's  gourd,  or  the  beanstalk  of  my 
friend  Jack,  had  produced  fruit  or  left  seed,  and  be- 
gan to  think  that  mine  w^as  an  exceptional  produc- 
tion of  a  similar  character,  that  (jould  only  be  raised 
by  those  w^ho  were  great  on  gourds,  or,  as  the  Yul- 
gate  hath  it,  "  some  pumpkins."  If  Jack's  stalk  had 
produced  beans,  we  should  have  known  those  beans ; 
if  Jonah's  gourd  had  borne  seed,  w^e  should  have 
found  them  at  the  seed-stores  to  tliis  day. 


A   GREAT   Runner.  273 

My  anxiety  was  greatly  relieved,  therefore,  when 
at  last  something  that  was  evidently  intended  for 
fruit  made  its  appearance.  It  w^as  almost  of  the  size 
and  shape  of  a  small  lead-pencil,  and  closely  resem- 
bled a  long  green  worm.  This  remarkable  fruit — - 
only  odder,  if  any  thing,  than  the  parent  that  bore  it 
— after  the  same  hesitancy  and  dilatoriness,  com- 
menced to  grow  in  the  same  mad  way.  It  w^as  soon 
as  thick  as  your  finger,  then  as  your  wrist,  then  as 
your  arm,  and  considerably  longer  than  the  latter ; 
and,  ere  it  gave  up,  became  as  large  round  and  lon- 
ger than  a  small  man's  leg.  Hercules,  even,  would 
have  been  bothered  to  manage  such  a  club. 

It  bore  seeds,  but  I  destroyed  them.  My  squashes 
w^ere  ahead  of  all  in  Flushing.  My  pumpkins  ran 
for  hundreds  of  feet,  climbed  the  bean-poles,  and 
bore  a  large  fruit  on  top,  one  specimen  being  huge 
enough  to  have  furnished  Peter  Piper's  wife  with  a 
comfortable  apartment.  My  ordinary  round  gourds 
attained  the  size  of  a  child's  head ;  and  if  I  produced 
such  a  result  as  I  have  described  fi'om  my  first  year's 
attempt  with  the  Hercules'  Club,  I  was  not  prepared 
to  take  the  consequences  of  a  second  or  third  efPoi-t. 

It  was  better  to  allow  such  a  plant  to  disappear ; 
the  discovery  of  new  species  of  flowers  and  vegeta- 
bles is  creditable  so  long  as  they  are  either  handsome 
M2 


274     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

or  useful,  but  to  get  the  reputation  of  being  the  man 
who  originated  a  wonderful  gourd,  to  go  down  to 
posterity  celebrated  for  this  alone,  to  be  spoken  of  in 
horticultural  works  as  the  gourd-man,  was  too  terri- 
ble a  fate.  Moreover,  there  was  some  danger  in  re- 
newing such  an  experiment ;  on  the  second  trial  the 
wonderful  plant  might  have  spread  all  over  the 
neighborhood,  climbed  upon  crops,  strangled  trees, 
surmounted  houses,  and  invaded  the  village  in  such 
a  way  as  to  make  me  liable  for  damages  for  trespass. 
There  are  some  things  which  a  man  does  too  well  to 
do  often ;  growing  gourds  was  evidently  one  of  those 
with  me,  and  I  determined  never  to  be  led  into  such 
an  undertaking  again. 

To  counterbalance  this  wonderfnl  success,  it  is 
necessary  to  record  a  remarkable  failure.  "  Variety 
is  the  spice  of  life."  It  is  this  variety  which  gives 
agricultural  pursuits  their  principal  zest ;  no  two  at- 
tempts in  planting  bring  about  the  same  results. 
There  may  be  the  same  circumstances  of  time,  place, 
and  weather,  but  the  conclusion  will  be  altogetlier 
dissimilar.  All  honest  farmers  must  confess — and 
farmers  are,  like  lawyers,  without  exception,  upriglit 
and  truthful — that  the  return  fi-om  no  two  years  has 
been  alike.  One  year  the  potatoes  fail,  another 
leaves  us  without  corn,  a  third  is  too  much  for  the 


A     GREAT    Tl  r  N  N  E  R.  275 

wlicat;  then  the  fruit  rots,  or  the  turnips  will  not 
grow,  or  the  sweet  potatoes  run  entirely  to  vine,  or 
the  oats  to  straw.  Something  never  comes  out  right, 
or  does  what  was  expected  of  it,  and  often  behaves  in 
a  shabby  manner.  Of  course,  my  horticulture  could 
be  no  exception,  but  the  eccentricities  of  Flushing 
soil  are  rather  extravagant,  although  the  editor  of 
the  Agriculturist  li\es  in  the  neighborhood,  and  does 
all  he  can  to  keep  it  in  order.  I  have  mentioned 
some  peculiarities  of  my  hot-liouse  experience.  I 
will  give  certain  facts,  quite  as  strange,  relative  to 
out-of-door  gardening. 

There  were  some  hardy  perennials  which  I  had 
raised  with  great  care,  and  among  them  a  fine  speci- 
men of  crimson  flax,  or  what  I  had  satisfied  myself 
was  crimson  flax.  My  seeds  had  fallen  into  a  little 
•confusion  in  consequence  of  the  names  getting 
washed  off  the  labels  by  the  rains ;  but,  as  the  plant 
bore  a  crimson  flower,  and  did  not  resemble  any 
thing  else  in  particular,  I  had  made  up  my  mind  it 
was  crimson  flax ;  if  it  w^ere  not,  there  must  have 
been  a  defect  in  Thorburn's  seeds,  which  is  not  to  be 
presumed,  for  nothing  else  of  that  description  came 
lip.  Perennials  are  not  generally  satisfactory  during 
their  first  season ;  they  make  a  poor  growth  of  it, 
showing  a  feebleness  that  is  extremely  painful  to  a 


2Y6  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

fond  and  devoted  gardener.  They  are  not  easily 
distinguislied  from  weeds  at  best,  and,  as  they  grow 
far  slower  than  the  latter,  are  often  lost  entirely 
among  them.  For  this  reason  I  was  especially  proud 
of  my  crimson  flax.  It  grew  thriftily,  spread  into  a 
good -sized  bush,  and  covered  itself  with  delicate 
flowers. 

This  had  occurred  during  the  previous  season,  and 
when  fall  came  I  was  careful  to  mark  the  spot  where 
it  was  with  several  large  stakes,  in  order  to  warn  Pat- 
rick against  digging  it  up.  Patrick  was  rather  an 
enthusiast  with  a  spade,  and  somewhat  zealous  in 
weeding ;  he  was  fond  of  digging  up  the  garden  to 
"  meliorate"  it,  as  he  expressed  the  idea,  and  to  pre- 
pare it  for  spring  planting ;  and  if  he  had  not  the 
flowers  very  distinctly  and  plainly  marked,  he  would, 
in  the  excitement  of  the  operation,  dig  them  up  ruth- 
lessly. So  also,  in  weeding,  he  had  to  be  warned  and 
watched,  for  more  than  once  was  my  blood  frozen 
with  horror  at  beholding  Patrick  weeding  up  a  valu- 
able plant,  and  twice  he  weeded  all  the  young  sprouts 
off  a  flowering  shrub  so  effectually  that  the  shrub 
never  recovered  from  tlie  shock.  With  this  fear  be- 
foie  my  eyes,  and  a  question  about  the  perfect  relia- 
bility of  my  own  memory,  I  marked  the  spot  where 
mv  crimson  flax  was  located  with  great  care,  sur- 


A    GREAT  Runner.  277 

rounding  it  on  all  sides  with  stakes  plainly  lettered. 
Thus  fortified,  I  waited  confidently  till  the  winter 
should  be  over,  having  put  my  own  weaknesses  and 
Patrick's  at  defiance. 

True  to  my  confident  expectations,  with  the  first 
few  warm  suns  my  crimson  flax  reappeared  amid  its 
palisade  of  stakes.  It  grew  far  more  strongly  than 
before,  spreading  rapidly  into  a  large  bush,  and  re- 
quiring the  assistance  of  supports  and  strings  to  keep 
it  in  shape.  There  w^as  an  odd  singularity  about  it, 
however,  which  struck  me  as  remarkable.  The  leaf 
seemed  different  from  what  it  had  been  before — it 
was  longer  and  narrower ;  but  this  probably  was  one 
of  those  changes  which  perennials  undergo  ere  they 
get  finnly  established,  and,  among  the  many  curious 
things  I  had  experienced,  did  not  surprise  me  partic- 
ularly. The  plant  was  on  the  exact  place  where  it 
had  been  the  year  previous ;  it  was  growing  luxuri- 
antly, and  bid  fair  to  be  a  magnificent  ornament  to 
the  garden,  for  it  had  a  prominent  situation.  I  did 
not  boast  of  it,  however.  Boasting  is  not  natural  to 
me.  I  did  not  even  call  Weeville's  attention  to  it. 
He  had  disappointed  me  so  often  that  I  resolved  he 
should  be  disappointed  himself.  I  was  determined 
to  say  nothing  until  it  should  be  covered  with  its 
crimson  gems. 


278     Five  Acbes  too  Much. 

It  grew  remarkably.  If  it  had  done  well  the  pre- 
vious year,  it  bid  fair  to  surpass  itself  this  season. 
As  its  time  for  flowering  approached  I  became  quite 
nervous  and  excited.  Slowly  the  buds  formed,  being 
almost  innumerable,  and  covering  each  spray ;  they 
fllled  and  distended,  and  finally  burst.  But  what 
was  my  astonishment  when  I  discovered  that  they 
had  changed  their  color.  Instead  of  the  rich  crim- 
son flowers  that  were  expected,  I  found  the  bush  one 
morning  covered  with  strange-looking  blossoms  of  a 
dull  yellow.  The  most  remarkable  transformation 
ever  known  had  taken  place — crimson  flax  had  lost 
its  natural  hue  under  careful  cultivation,  and  as- 
sumed the  appearance  of  a  cross  between  an  orange 
blossom  and  a  dandelion ;  if  any  thing,  it  was  rather 
more  like  the  dandelion.  It  was  no  longer  crimson 
■ — had,  in  fact,  no  shade  of  crimson.  It  was  a  pure 
yellow,  and  not  altogetlier  a  handsome  one.  To 
describe  the  disgust  that  this  unexpected  change 
wrought  in  my  usually  placid  temper  is  impossible. 
I  began  to  hate  that  plant.  Tlie  more  it  blossomed 
the  more  furious  I  felt,  until  finally,  when  it  had 
covered  itself  with  these  wretched  straw  -  colored 
abortions,  my  feelings  overcame  me,  and  I  pulled  it 
up  by  the  roots. 

This  burst  of  passion  has  caused  me  much  regret. 


A  GREAT  Runner.  270 

By  a  moment's  indulgence  of  anger  I  destroyed  the 
chance  of  raising  a  new  species  of  plant,  a  changea- 
ble crimson  flax — crimson  one  year  and  yellow  the 
next.  Weeville,  when  subsequently  informed  of  my 
indiscretion,  attempted  to  console  me  by  endeavor- 
ing to  make  out  that  it  was  a  weed  which  had  smoth- 
ered the  original  flower.  He  even  doubted  whether 
tliere  ever  had  been  any  crimson  flax  in  my  garden, 
and  pretended  dissatisfaction  with  my  description  of 
that  plant.  He  said  he  was  not  aware  that  crimson 
flax  was  a  perennial,  and  thought  that  the  designa- 
tion in  the  catalogue  was  an  error,  ridiculous  as  such 
a  supposition  was  to  my  mind.  He  undertook  to 
show  me  numerous  weeds  by  the  road-side  —  for 
weeds  are  quite  abundant  in  Flushing — which  bore 
yellow  blossoms,  and  which  he  felt  confldent  were 
the  same  as  the  one  I  had  raised.  They  did  resem- 
ble it  in  many  points ;  but,  as  I  had  marked  my  plant 
carefully,  had  seen  it  blossom  the  year  previous,  and 
knew  wliereof  I  spoke,  I  utterly  disdained  his  expla- 
nation. I  must  still  feel  that  the  loss  of  my  new 
flax  was  serious,  and  must  regret  the  outbui*st  that 
led  to  it.  Even  a  flower  convertible  into  a  weed,  or 
changing  biennially  from  one  to  the  other,  would  be 
rare  and  curious. 

Moreover,  although  we  did  i-aise  several  garden 


280     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

weeds,  this  was  like  none  of  them.  They  were  most 
deceptive  things,  and  imitated  the  appearance  of 
plants  wonderfully.  One  grew  quite  tall,  and  seem- 
ed to  be  on  the  point  of  flowering  all  the  while,  but 
never  did  so.  Another  spread  into  quite  a  large  tuft, 
something  between  a  daisy  and  a  violet,  and  imposed 
upon  Patrick,  even,  so  thoroughly  that  he  never  dug 
it  up  in  a  single  instance,  notwithstanding  his  readi- 
ness to  extirpate  whatever  was  of  doubtful  authen- 
ticity. It  spread  rapidly,  until  it  was  quite  a  labor 
to  pull  it  up.  Another  of  these  troublesome  mem- 
bers of  the  vegetable  kingdom  attained  almost  the 
dimensions  of  a  shrub,  and  had  a  thick,  solid  stalk, 
and  actually  flowered ;  but  the  blossoms  were  the 
minutest  things  possible,  and  bore  a  ludicrous  dis- 
proportion w^ith  the  size  of  the  bush ;  while  the  snap- 
dragon obtained  a  hold  in  the  beds  which  it  is  prob- 
able I  never  shall  eradicate,  by  an  error  of  apprecia- 
tion continued  through  a  few  months.  In  fact,  the 
weeds  performed  such  strange  antics,  and  behaved 
in  so  unexpected  a  w^ay,  tliat  the  question  arose  m 
my  mind  as  to  what  w^as  a  weed.  The  author  of 
*"'  Ten  Acres  Enough"  says  that  it  is  a  flower  out  of 
place.  The  latter  half  of  his  explanation  may  be 
well  enough ;  but  as  to  its  being  a  flower,  most  of 
those  that  came  up  in  my  garden  had  no  fl  owners 


A     GREAT     R  U  N  N  E  K.  281 

wiiatever.  Without  entering  too  far  upon  a  relig- 
ious disquisition,  it  may  do  merely  to  suggest  that  it 
struck  me  that  weeds  were  original  sin,  springing  up 
to  trouble  us  every  where,  and  calling  for  that  sweat 
of  the  brow  which  is  ordained  as  the  lot  of  the  hu- 
man kind  for  the  first  great  crime  of  Mother  Eve. 

The  nature  of  weeds  is  exceedingly  perverse. 
They  seem  to  have  been  sent  to  torment  man,  sprout- 
ing up  continually  without  apparently  ever  becom- 
ing exhausted,  causing  an  immense  deal  of  unneces- 
sary annoyance.  As  an  evidence  of  their  innate  per- 
versity, it  is  only  necessary  to  refer  to  the  manner  in 
which  they  behaved  toward  raj  ^portulaca  sjplendens. 
Tliis  showy  plant  had  been  thriving  admirably,  and 
as  its  seeds,  when  allowed  to  sow  themselves,  natu- 
rally reappear  in  augmented  splendor  the  following 
year,  I  had  founded  great  expectations  upon  the  an- 
ticipated result.  It  is  true  that  the  portiilaca  did 
sow  itself,  and  did  come  up  finely  the  present 
spring ;  but,  unfortunately,  weeds  come  up  without 
any  sowing.  They  originate  or  "  come  of  them- 
selves," as  my  brother  farmers  lucidly  express  it, 
and  they  appeared  with  the  portulaca,  and  grew 
twice  as  rapidly. 

The  end  of  it  was,  that,  although  the  flower  was 
tliere,  and  even  matured,  it  was  hidden  so  effectually 


282  Five   Acres   too    Much. 

that  there  was  no  way  of  getting  a  sight  at  a  blos- 
som except  by  pulling  up  a  yard  square  of  weeds. 
My  conclusion  from  this — and  valuable  it  is  to  the 
cause  of  agriculture — w^as  that  our  scientific  men 
liad  not  paid  sufficient  attention  to  weeds ;  that  they 
had  taught  us  how  to  make  things  grow,  but  had 
not  told  us  how  to  prevent  their  growing ;  that  an 
anti-fertilizer  was  more  important  than  a  fertilizer. 
There  is  twice  as  much  labor  expended  in  rooting 
weeds  out  as  in  putting  vegetables  in.  "We  have  our 
phosphates  and  superphosphates,  our  guano,  marl, 
bone  -  dust,  lime,  and  a  dozen  other  species  of  ma- 
nures, but  not  a  single  invention  to  prevent  undesir- 
able growth.  The  present  necessity  is  a  drug  or 
acid,  or  some  sort  of  medicament,  that  will  kill  all 
the  weeds  and  the  germs  of  w^eeds  in  the  ground, 
but  which  will  soon  lose  its  power,  so  that  the  ground 
will  perform  its  proper  functions  when  seed  is  plant- 
ed. Until  this  discovery  is  made,  farming  will  be 
laborious,  and  I  hope  our  learned  men  will  devote 
their  attention  to  it  promptly.  I  shall  only  claim 
the  honor  of  originating  the  idea,  and  leave  the  en- 
tire profits  to  the  inventor. 


A  BEAUTIFUL  New   Coach.         283 


CHAPTER    XX. 

A   BEAUTIFUL   NEW    COACH. 

TT  riAYE  already  mentioned  the  honesty  of  the 
■^  people  in  Fhishing.  Nothing  is  more  pleasant 
and  satisfactory  than  to  deal  with  persons  on  whom 
one  can  rely ;  to  feel  that  one  gets  precisely  what  is 
agreed  upon — can  trust  entirely  to  the  word  of  the 
seller.  To  be  sure,  they  were  now  and  then  a  little 
too  confiding.  They  had  a  way  of  supplying  any 
person  in  the  village  with  whatever  he  wanted,  and 
charging  it  to  me.  If  I  objected,  they  answered 
conclusively  that  he  had  given  my  name,  and  that 
they  were  not  accustomed,  in  the  country,  to  doabt 
every  man's  word  who  applied  to  them  for  a  keg  of 
nails  or  a  dozen  boards ;  and  they  explfiined  that  con- 
fidence was  the  foundation  of  business.  Eathcr  than 
disturb  this  creditable,  almost  too  creditable  state 
of  affairs,  I  submitted,  and  paid  for  a  good  many  ar- 
ticles that  went  to  other  people.  I  made  a  short  at- 
tempt to  enforce  a  rule  that  any  ai)])licant  who  gave 


284  Five  Acres   too   Much. 

my  name  must  liave  a  written  order,  and  i  even 
opened  a  pass-book  with  the  leading  store-keeper; 
but  these  innovations  met  with  so  much  opposition, 
and  the  leading  store-keeper  had  always  so  much  to 
add  to  what  appeared  in  the  pass-book,  that  I  gave 
up  the  effort,  and  accepted  country  ways  of  dealing. 

Even  the  farmers  were  affected  by  this  simplicity 
of  views ;  they  had  peculiar  and  somewhat  unwise 
opinions,  but  they  held  to  them  religiously.  They 
believed  in  New  York  as  the  Moslem  believes  in 
Mecca;  they  considered  that  they  must  make  all 
their  sales  there,  and  that  weekly  pilgrimages  thitlier 
were  a  necessity  of  their  success  in  life.  No  induce- 
ment would  persuade  them  to  sell  any  of  their  prod- 
uce on  the  road,  or  short  of  that  sacred  destination. 
It  was  vain  to  apply  to  them  for  a  load  of  hay,  or  a 
dozen  bags  of  oats ;  they  would  cart  these  six  miles 
over  heavy  roads  rather  than  sell  them  within  a  few 
rods  of  their  doors.  This  was  inconvenient,  but  a 
sure  guaranty  for  their  honesty ;  none  but  very  hon- 
est people  could  be  so  simple,  and  their  faith  in  the 
metropolis  of  the  nation  was  actually  toucliing. 

"  Sure,  yer  honor,"  said  Patrick  to  me  one  morn- 
ing, "  and  the  new  Rockaway  is  gone  intirely." 

"  Why,  Patrick,  you  surprise  me  ;  I  only  bought  it 
last  spring."     I  did  not  say  that  I  had  obtained  it 


A    BEAUTIFUL     NeW     C  O  A  C  II.  285 

second-hand,  as  it  is  well  not  to  forget  appearances, 
and  human  nature  is  somehow  or  other  ashamed  of 
buying  any  thing  second-hand.  The  fact  was  that 
Dandy  Jim  had  pretty  much  used  up  my  first  wagon ; 
he  had  run  away  with  it  so  often,  had  dragged  it 
over  so  many  fences,  and  smashed  it  so  frequently 
and  so  effectually,  that,  when  he  was  sold  and  the 
new  family  horse  was  purchased,  a  new^  wagon  had 
to  be  bought  for  him.  I  said  nothing  to  Patrick 
about  its  being  second-hand,  and  he  said  nothing  to 
me ;  we  neither  of  us  pretended  to  be  aware  of  a 
fact  which  both  of  us  knew  perfectly  well.  True  to 
his  instinctive  Irish  delicacy,  not  a  word  was  breathed 
against  the  honor  of  the  house  to  which  his  fortunes 
were  attached.     So  he  replied, 

"  Be  gorra !  and  it  was  a  beautiful  wagon  intirely 
when  yer  honor  brought  it  home ;  you  may  well  say 
that." 

"  Wliat  is  the  trouble,  then,  now  ?" 

"  Sorrow  a  one  o'  me  knows,  but  they  tell  its  going 
fast,  and  I  thought  it  was  me  duty  to  spake  about  it 
l)efore  any  accident  happened,  which  would  be  a 
pity,  indade,  indade." 

"  Is  thei'e  any  thing  wrong  with  the  axle-trees  ?"  I 
inquired,  anxiously,  worried  at  the  implied  risk. 

"Axle-trees!  whirra,  and  they're   as   strong  and 


286  Five  Acres   too  Much. 

Bound  as  tlie  day  tliey  were  put  in ;  divil  a  word  can 
be  said  against  the  axle-trees." 

"  Well,  then,  is  it  the  springs  ?' 

"  The  springs  !  Now  did  yer  honor  ever  see  a  pur- 
tier  pair  of  springs  in  yer  life  V 

"  Perhaps  it's  the  wheels  V 

"  The  wheels !  divil  a  bit  is  there  any  thing  the 
matter  with  the  wheels ;  better  running  wheels,  when 
they're  well  grased,  were  never  put  in  a  wagon  at 
all,  at  all." 

"Then, Patrick,"  I  cried  in  despair, "what  on  earth 
is  the  matter  ?" 

"  And  didn't  I  say  it  was  wake  all  over,  it  was ; 
and  if  it  comes  down  when  yer  honor's  out  driving, 
you  mustn't  blame  me.  Yer  honor  knows  best,  but 
I  shouldn't  like  to  be  in  it  if  it  did  break  down  ;  but 
perhaps  there'd  be  no  harm  done — you  may  be  going 
slow,  like,  and  the  horse  may  stop." 

"  Patrick,"  I  responded,  still  more  appalled  at  this 
picture,  and  not  at  all  confident  of  so  fortunate  a  re- 
sult, my  experience  having  been  rather  the  reverse — 
"  Patrick,  it  will  never  do  to  run  any  risk.  What 
shall  1  do  about  it?" 

"  Yer  honor  does  not  seem  to  care  for  it,  but,  as  I 
tould  yer  honor  before,  there's  a  beautiful  new  coach 
down  at  the  carriage-maker's.     If  you  saw  it  once. 


A    B  E  A  U  T  I  F  II  L     N  E  W     C  O  A  C  H.  287 

you  would  be  much  plased ;  it's  lovely  intirely.  If 
you  would  only  get  that,  that  would  be  the  doiu'  ov 
it." 

This  discussion  was  not  altogether  an  unusual  thing 
between  us.  My  Rockaway  had  been  growing  w^eak- 
er  and  weaker  for  some  time  past,  and,  as  its  weak^ 
ness  became  more  striking,  the  "  beautiful  new  coach" 
loomed  up  more  distinctly.  At  first  the  spring  would 
want  strengthening,  then  the  axles  w^ould  need  ex- 
amining, next  the  tires  would  require  resetting,  and 
so  on,  until  an  application  to  the  wheelwright  be- 
came an  event  of  weekly  recurrence.  On  each  repe- 
tition, the  attractions  of  the  "  beautiful  new  coach" 
would  come  under  discussion,  and  be  dilated  upon, 
although,  as  I  had  little  faith  in  country  w^ork,  and 
entire  confidence  in  my  Kockaw^ay,  I  turned  a  deaf 
ear  to  all  such  suggestions. 

However,  mattei-s  had  been  becoming  more  serious 
lately.  The  wagon  had  certainly  acquired  a  wobbly 
motion,  which  was  neither  agreeable  nor  reassuring. 
Tlie  springs  or  wheels,  or  both,  appeared  to  have  lost 
their  strength ;  the  latter  did  not  track  quite  true, 
and,  in  turning  a  corner  or  crossing  a  gutter,  there 
was  evidence  of  a  defect  somewhere.  No  special 
difficulty  had  made  itself  apparent,  but  there  was  a 
general  giving  out  —  a  sort  of  grogginess  all  over. 


288  Five   Acees    too   Much. 

The  whole  concern  "  yawed  about"  and  "  slewed 
round,"  as  the  nautical  gentlemen  express  it,  after 
an  unpleasant  and  threatening  fashion.  It  was  ap- 
pai'ent  that  something  must  be  done,  and  the  car- 
riage-maker, who  also  had  the  "beautiful  new  coach" 
for  sale,  declared  that  repairing  would  do  no  more 
good ;  so  to  Patrick's  last  remark  I  responded  with 
resignation, 

"  I  suppose  I  shall  have  to  get  a  new  wagon  of 
some  sort.  What  does  the  man  ask  for  the  one  you 
speak  of?" 

"  Only  three  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  wdth  pole 
and  shafts.  Mr.  Jones  paid  him  four  hundred  for 
one  just  like  it  last  week,  but  he  says  he  wants  yer 
honor  to  give  him  a  chance.  There's  nothing  but 
the  best  of  stuff  gone  into  it.  He  puts  on  new  pat- 
ent clips ;  and  the  painting  is  the  loveliest  blue  and 
red  that  iver  w^as  seen." 

"Well,  Patrick,  you  may  drive  me  down,  and  I 
will  look  at  it." 

"Thank  yer  honor;  and  shall  I  hitch  up  right 
away  ?" 

"  Yes ;  the  sooner  it's  over  the  better." 

"Thrue  for  you,  and  so  it  is;  for  a  break -down 
would  be  a  pity,  with  the  doctore  charging  so  high. 
But  ye'll  be  safe  enough  in  the  new  coach." 


A  B  E  A  r  T I F  u  h  New   C  o  a  c  h.  289 

We  found  the  wheelwriglit  at  his  shop,  and  ready 
to  expatiate  on  the  many  good  points  of  his  vehicles 
and  the  excellence  of  his  work ;  the  advantages  he 
had  over  city  builders,  and  the  danger  there  was  in 
riding  in  a  broken-down  affair  which  was  made  of 
such  wretched  stuff  as  mine,  that  he  only  wondered 
had  held  together  as  long  as  it  had.  The  proposed 
carriage  was  quite  gorgeous  and  very  fine  with  paint 
and  upholstery.  I  thought  it  rather  heavy  for  one 
horse,  but  Patrick,  who  had  taken  much  interest  in 
the  discussion,  immediately,  on  my  making  the  sug- 
gestion, seized  the  shafts,  and  ran  it  up  and  down  as 
if  it  were  as  light  as  a  feather.  So  there  was  noth- 
ing for  it  but  to  say  that  I  would  take  the  "  beautiful 
new  coach ;"  and,  stepping  to  one  side  with  the 
maker,  I  said,  "  I  am  informed  that  the  price  is  three 
hundred  and  fifty  dollars." 

"  Oh,"  he  replied,  "  that  is  without  the  pole ;  with 
the  pole  it  is  three  hundred  and  seventy-five.  Mr. 
Jones  paid  me — " 

"  Never  mind  about  Mr.  Jones.  I  understood  the 
price  was  three  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  with  pole 
and  shafts ;  but,  as  I  do  not  want  the  former,  I  will 
do  without  that." 

"  But  they  both  go  together,"  replied  the  man. 
**  Now  I'll  tell  you  what,"  he  added,  dropping  his 

N 


290  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

voice  to  a  confidential  whisper,  "  you  have  been  a 
good  customer  of  mine,  and  I  want  to  please  you ; 
so  let's  say  three  hundred  and  sixty-five,  and  that  will 
be  almost  throwing  the  pole  in.  It  costs  a  good 
twenty-five  dollars  to  build  one." 

I  never  liked  haggling  over  trifles,  so  I  consented 
and  paid  down  the  money.  I  did  not  send  for  the 
new  carriage  immediately ;  in  fact,  a  change  seemed 
to  have  come  over  the  Eockaway ;  it  gave  up  wob- 
bling, the  wheels  ran  steadier,  the  springs  became 
stronger,  and  its  general  debility  disappeared.  It 
w^as  altogetlier  a  changed  vehicle.  I  heard  no  more 
complaints  from  Patrick,  and  all  danger  in  using  it 
seemed  to  have  disappeared,  for  he  took  five  of  his 
female  acquaintances  to  church  in  it  the  very  next 
Sunday  morning.  Wlien  w^e  did  get  the  new  coach 
home  it  proved  to  be  entirely  too  heavy,  and  Patrick 
was  the  loudest  in  declaring  it  was  "  no  good  at  all, 
at  all."  Of  course,  it  could  not  have  been  that  an 
honest  village  wheelwright  \vould  purposely  have 
put  my  wagon  out  of  order  that  he  might  sell  me  a 
new  one,  but  such  a  sudden  recovery  of  health  on 
the  part  of  a  Pockaway  was  extraordinary  and  -won- 
derful to  the  last  degree. 

Of  course,  when  a  man  moves  permanently  into 
the  country,  he  builds  an  addition  to  his  house.    Why 


A    BEAUTIFUL     NeW     C  O  A  C  H.  21)1 

he  does  so,  neither  he  nor  any  one  else  can  tell.  He 
never  does  the  like  in  town;  no  additional  room  is 
necessary,  but  he  does  it  all  the  same.  I  was  at- 
tacked with  the  same  mania,  of  course.  The  only 
way  of  adding  to  my  house  was  by  putting  a  second 
story  on  the  main  wing ;  there  w^as  no  possible  mode 
of  extending  either  side,  or  erecting  an  adjoining 
building,  or  doing  any  thing  whatever  except  mov- 
ing a  step  nearer  the  heavens.  This  implied  the  re- 
moval of  the  roof.  Now  a  roof  is  a  very  necessary 
thing ;  people  who  have  been  in  the  habit  of  living 
under  one  know  little  of  the  inconveniences  of  doing 
without  it,  even  for  a  short  time.  It  is  ornamental — 
may  have  a  pretty  border,  or  edging,  as  our  farmers 
say ;  but  it  is  not  only  ornamental,  it  is  extremely 
useful ;  and  if  any  reader  doubts  this,  let  him  remove 
the  roof  from  his  liouse,  and  try  the  effect  of  a 
change.  Tlie  foundation  is  necessary,  the  sides  are 
advantageous,  but  the  roof  is  essential. 

As  fate  would  have  it,  my  alterations  were  com- 
menced in  March,  which  is  not  altogether  the  best 
month  for  such  things,  in  view  of  tlie  fact,  little  ap- 
preciated by  citizens,  that  that  month  is  the  com- 
mencement of  the  rainy  season.  So  the  tin  was 
rolled  up  and  taken  off,  the  raftei*s  were  pulled 
down,  the  sides  of  the  additional  stoiy  were  com- 


202  F  I  V  K    A  C  E  E  S     TOO    M  U  C  H. 

pleted — and  tlien  it  rained.  I  had  prepared  as  well 
as  I  could  to  meet  this  contingency,  being  the  pos- 
sessor of  a  large  amount  of  canvas,  which  once  con- 
stituted the  racing  sails  of  a  yaclit  that  I  owned  in  my 
younger  days,  and  I  had  spread  this  over  the  yawn- 
ing gulf  as  well  as  I  could.  But  it  did  not  answer; 
perhaps  there  was  not  peak  enough,  or  the  duck  was 
worn  thin  by  age ;  certain  it  was  that  it  leaked,  and 
leaked  badly,  not  in  mere  drops,  but  in  rivulets,  that 
first  covered  the  upper  floor,  and  then  worked  their 
way  down  through  the  lower  ceilings,  and  dripped 
on  the  furniture,  and  discolored  the  walls,  and  loos- 
ened the  plaster. 

Moreover,  the  rain  always  came  at  the  worst  times 
and  in  the  most  disagreeable  ways.  I  would  go  calm- 
ly to  bed,  leaving  every  thing  apparently  serene,  not 
a  cloud  in  the  sky,  the  stars  shining  brightly,  and  the 
wind  due  west,  and  be  waked  up  at  midnight  by  the 
beating  of  the  storm,  and  the  trickle  of  the  water  as 
it  came  down  through  one  corner,  its  favorite  spot,  in 
my  room.  Then  the  wind  would  blow,  and  work  un- 
der the  canvas,  and  tug  at  the  ends,  until  it  succeed- 
ed in  rolling  it  up,  so  that  it  could  expose  what  was 
beneath. 

And  then,  of  course,  at  the  precise  moment  when 
a  dozen  more  days'  work  would  have  made  me  safe 


A    BEAUTIFUL     jN"  E  W     C  O  A  C  H. 


203 


— when  the  windows  only  were  wanting,  or  a  few 
more  boards  woidd  have  shut  out  the  destructive  ele- 
ment— the  carpenters  and  sash-makers  conchided  they 
would  enjoy  a  httle  "strike" — prefernng  leisure  to 
work,  and  needing  a  short  rest  from  their  labors. 
Many  a  time  would  I  be  roused  from  my  comforta- 
ble bed,  and  be  forced,  with  quite  a  scanty  amount 
of  clothing,  to  climb  np  the  rickety,  half-finished 
stairs  at  midnight,  and  get  drenclied  through  putting 
up  boards  or  nailing  down  the  canvas;  for  water, 


294     Five  Acres  too  Much. 

useful  as  it  undoubtedly  is  for  some  purposes,  can  do 
so  extensive  and  unexpected  an  amount  of  damage ; 
it  gets  into  such  odd  places,  and  produces  such  queer 
results.  However,  Patrick,  true  to  his  Irish  nature, 
was  so  delighted  with  my  example  that  lie  deter- 
mined to  follow  it,  and  begged  time  enough  to  build 
himself  a  house.  When  my  troubles  were  about  over, 
I  met  him  one  day,  and  asked  how  his  building  wai 
getting  on  ? 

"Thank  yer  honor,"  he  replied,  joyfully,  "I  am 
doing  finely ;  there  was  a  f rind,  begorra,  and  true 
frind  he  was,  and  a  carpenter  at  that,  and  he  has 
built  it  all  for  nothing,  because  he  was  out  of  work. 
Sure  and  it's  an  ilegant  house." 

"  Well,  then,  Patrick,  I  suppose  you'll  soon  be  mov- 
ing into  it." 

"  I  would  that,  but  for  w^an  thing." 

"  And  what  is  that  ?"  I  inquired. 

"  It  hasn't  any  roof  on  it." 

"You  don't  say  so;  why, that  is  quite  important." 

"Thrue  for  you,  yer  honor,  it  is  that;  the  flure  and 
the  sides  is  beautiful ;  it  has  two  flures  and  a  roof  as 
purty  as  ever  was." 

"Why,  I  thought  you  said  it  had  no  roof,"  I  re- 
sponded, growing  somewhat  confused,  as  I  often  did 
over  Patrick's  explanations. 


A  Beautiful  New   Coach.         295 

"  Oil  no ;  the  roof  is  all  there,  but  it  lakes,  it  does." 

"  Still,  if  it  does  leak,  the  upper  floor  would  catch 
that,  and  you  might  occupy  the  lower  story,  as  I  have 
been  doing." 

"  So  I  w^ould,  indade,  but  the  flures  have  no  boards 
on  them ;  nothing  at  all,  at  all,  but  jest  the  bare 
bames.  But  I  wouldn't  mind  that  meself,  and  me 
family  would  do  w^ell  enough  on  the  ground  if  it 
wasn't  for  the  lakes,  and  the  bad  saison  it  is  at 
that."  '       •'-    '    — 

"  You  ought  to  find  out  where  the  leaks  are,  and 
stop  them,"  I  replied. 

"  Sure,  and  it  lakes  all  over." 

"  Now,  Patrick,"  I  remonstrated,  "  how  can  it  do 
that  ?  No  roof  was  ever  made  that  leaked  all  over ; 
the  thing  can't  be." 

"  Well,  yer  honor  knows  best ;  but  when  a  roof 
hasn't  any  shingles  on,  it  lakes  purty  bad." 

"  Patrick,"  I  said,  pausing  and  looking  at  liim 
sternly, "  what  on  earth  do  you  mean  by  saying  one 
minute  that  you  have  a  roof,  and  the  next  that  you 
have  none  T 

"  Well,  yer  honor  knows  the  boards  for  the  roof  is 
all  there,  and  put  up  beautiful,  but  I  hadn't  any  shin- 
gles, more's  the  pity,  and  me  paying  rint  all  the  time, 
and  me  frind  with  nothincr  to  do  until  he  srets  some 


296  Five   Acres    too   Much. 

work,  and  no  telling  the  day  when  he  may  do  that. 
And  I  thought  perhaps  yer  lienor  will  give  me  the 
loan  of  some  shingles,  and  keep  the  house  yerself 
until  I  could  work  it  out.  The  win  dies  ain't  much 
matter,  and  boards  will  do  very  well,  but  sure  a  house 
is  good  for  nothing  intirely  unless  it  has  a  roof 
on  it." 

I  coincided  fully  in  Patrick's  views ;  there  was  a 
bond  of  brotherhood  in  suffering  between  us ;  and  al- 
though I  did  not  keep  his  house  for  him,  he  had  liis 
shingles.  And  so  he  was  fairly  housed,  and  my  ex- 
tra story  being  completed,  and  the  garden  having  at 
last  consented  to  grow,  and  the  trees  to  furnish  foli- 
age and  give  yearly  promise  of  fruit,  and  my  vast 
experience  having  been  carefully  stored  away  for  the 
use  of  others,  and  myself  finally  and  peremptorily 
settled  in  the  country,  I  think  it  is  time  that  I  closed 
this  veracious  and  trustworthy  account  of  "Five 
Acres  more  than  Enough." 


Three  Hundked  Acres  Not  Enough.   297 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

three  hundred  acres  not  enough. 

*T  AM  writing  this  supplementary  chapter  after 
the  expiration  of  nearly  fifteen  years  since  the 
record  of  my  farming  experiences  was  commenced  ; 
and  while  I  have  nothing  to  take  from  the  interest- 
ing statements  which  have  been  set  forth  in  the 
previous  pages,  I  have  much  to  add  to  them. 
Everything  has  gone  on  as  it  began,  with  the  same 
invariable  pleasure,  profit,  and  satisfaction.  The 
field  and  the  fields  of  my  labor  have  alike  been  one 
long  delight — from  the  soft  yellow  of  the  upturned 
surfaces  when  the  plough  had  just  prepared  them 
for  the  seeds,  through  their  period  of  emerald-green 
promise  and  their  crowning  glories  of  fruitful 
russet  and  gold,  till  they  passed  under  the  snow- 
white  mantle  of  their  wintry  death.  My  success 
on  "  five  acres"  was  so  triumphant  that  I  purchased 
a  farm  of  twenty-five  at  Rockville  Centre,  and  sifb- 
sequently  one  of  two  hundred  at  Sayville,  and  to 
those  liave  kept  perpetually  adding  till  they  num- 


2^8  Five   Acres   Too   Mlch. 

ber  three  hundred  and  fifty,  and  bid  fair  never 
to  be  enough.  My  feet  have  trodden  all  the  liigh- 
ways  and  by-ways  of  successful  agriculture,  and 
my  efforts  have  done  much  to  solve  tlie  great 
problem  that  the  world  has  been  groping  over  for 
four  thousand  years;  for  only  when  science  shall 
teach  just  how  much  hydrogen,  nitrogen,  super- 
phosphate, hydrocephalus,  tredecem  radiatus,  esox 
reticulatus,  and  cerebro-spinal  meningitis  make  up 
the  comp'onent  parts  of  every  stalk  of  corn,  grain 
of  wheat,  or  head  of  oats  will  the  human  race  be 
redeemed  from  darkness  and  ignorance,  and  all 
men  made  rich  and  happy. 

Patrick  and  I  built  hot-beds  and  cold-frames ;  and 
if  the  hot-beds  did  come  out  cold-frames,  and  the 
cold-frames  occasionally  endeavored  to  be  hot-beds 
by  burning  up  all  the  plants  in  them,  we  were  sure 
to  get  one  or  the  other  almost  every  time.  More- 
over, we  have  had  our  triumphs  as  great  as  those 
of  war.  We  have  raised  the  mammoth  squash,  a 
miniature  planet  of  orange  loveliness,  bursting  with 
beauty  and  solid  with  succulence — so  roomy,  that 
Cinderella  would  have  found  no  trouble  in  using  it 
for  her  coach,  or  Peter  Piper  for  a  wife-protector. 
It  was  sent  to  the  county  fair,  where  it  was  much 
admired  by  my  friends,  and  caused  much  envy  in 


Three  Hundred  Acres  Not  Enough.   299 

the  mind  of  Weeville,  to  judge  from  the  disparag- 
ing remarks  he  indulged  about  the  taste  and  value 
of  squashes.  It  would  have  taken  the  prizd  were 
it  not  that  another  farmer  had  sent  one  a  few 
pounds  heavier,  although  far  inferior  in  contour 
and  general  excellence  of  expression.  Onrs  should 
have  had  a  second  prize,  but  that  the  chief  official 
informed  me  that  they  never  gave  second  prizes 
for  squashes. 

Of  course  there  have  been  drawbacks,  but  what 
mattered  it  if  the  commonplaces  did  not  come  up 
to  expectation,  if  the  turnips  and  carrots  failed  and 
the  grass  dried  up.  Who  could  not  spare  the  liorse 
vegetables  in  the  land  of  the  pea,  the  Lima-bean, 
the  asparagus? — where  there  was  never  too  much 
heat  or  drought  for  the  sweet  corn,  and  where  the 
luxuriant  egg-plants  would  spread  out  their  broad 
green  hands  to  the  generous  sun  in  gratitude  for 
his  rays  in  summer,  and  would  round  ont  their 
purple  globes  in  the  cool  days  of  September  and 
October — that  is,  when  the  potato-bug  did  not  eat 
them  all  up.  Insects  have  become  rather  over- 
abundant. Indeed  this  might  be  said  to  be  the 
bug  age,  in  contrast  with  the  stone  age  and  the 
iron  age  and  the  golden  age  which  have  passed 
before.     There  is  every  known  and  imknown  sort 


300  Five   Acres    Too    Much. 

of  insect  on  Long  Island.  The  Colorado  beetle  paid 
his  respects  promptly,  on  his  evolution,  and  has  re- 
mained permanently ;  the  borers  bore  our  apple- 
ti-ees ;  the  curculio  swarms  in  our  plum-trees ;  moths 
and  army-worms  and  tent-caterpillars  and  every 
other  sort  of  creeping  and  stinging  thing  assist  our 
labors  and  share  our  profits. 

The  poor  broken-backed  farmer  has  fallen  upon 
the  day  of  small  things  —  the  winged,  creeping, 
crawling,  and  ever-devouring  small  things  of  six 
legs  and  more  or  less  wings  and  unlimited  stomach; 
those  that  delve  in  the  ground  and  worm  their  way 
into  roots,  or  climb  up  the  branches  and  eat  the 
leaves,  or  which  strike  the  fruit  and  spot  and 
blight  it.  He  must  poison  the  potato-beetle,  he 
must  burn  the  galleys  and  cities  of  the  tent-builders, 
he  must  prod  the  borers  with  wires.  By  compari- 
son  with  these  the  hum  of  the  ever-present  mos- 
quito is  but  a  humbug,  and  his  bites  flea-bites. 

Following  the  directions  of  enthusiastic  bug 
sportsmen  I  tried  to  inveigle  the  innocent  moths 
into  the  candle  of  destruction.  Patrick  was  di- 
rected to  place  a  lamp  in  the  orchard  and  set  it  in 
a  pan  of  water  with  kerosene  oil  on  the  surface. 
There  was  every' reason  to  expect  that  the  moths 
from  their  known  weakness  for  light  would  have 


Three  Hundred  Acres  Not  Enough.   301 

rushed  to  this  death-trap  by  myriads.  But  Patrick 
soon  gave  the  most  discouraging  accounts  of  bug 
behavior  and  insect  artifice. 

"  Arrah  that  was  no  good  at  all  at  all,"  he  said  in 
a  disgusted  tone.  "  They  wouldn't  be  after  going 
widin  a  mile  of  it." 

"  But,  Patrick,"  I  replied  reprovingly,  for  I  was 
afraid  he  had  not  given  the  experiment  a  fair  trial, 
"they  must  have  been  within  a  mile  of  it,  as  the 
orchard  is  not  a  quarter  of  a  mile  either  way,  and 
they  seem  to  be  as  plenty  there  as  ever." 

"  And  your  honor  may  well  say  that.  Plenty,  is 
it  ?  There  is  no  end  of  them,  and  they  keep  grow- 
ing on  us  every  day." 

That  was  a  personal  way  of  stating  the  case 
which  made  my  flesh  creep,  and  sent  itching  sensa- 
tions over  my  whole  body.     So  I  asked  him  hastily, 

"  Then  why  did  you  not  try  the  lamp  ?" 

"Try?  And  sure  and  I  did  that  same.  Och, 
but  it  burned  beautifully,  and  all  the  country  round 
could  have  seen  their  way  to  steal  our  fruit,  only 
there  wasn't  any  fruit  to  steal.     More's  the  pity." 

"Well,  what  did  you  catch?"  I  asked  impa- 
tiently. 

"Catch,  is  it?  Sure  the  first  night  I  caught  a 
mosquito  and  a   house-fly,  and  the   next  night  I 


302  Five   Acres    Too    Much. 

caught  only  a  mosquito.  I  didn't  think  it  worth 
while  to  be  wasting  oil  at  that  rate,  for  we  would 
be  a  hundred  years  before  we  caught  all  the  bugs  in 
our  orchard ;  and  then,  more  be  token,  they  would 
grow  ten  times  as  fast." 

Since  the  commencement  of  my  horticultural 
operations  I  had  had  on  my  mind  and  in  my  heart 
a  longing  for  a  bed  of  mushrooms.  The  realization 
of  this  dream  had  been  postponed  in  consequence 
of  a  certain  obscurity  in  the  directions  contained  in 
my  authorities.  Bridgeman  w\is  very  enthusiastic 
and  hopeful,  but  slightly  incomprehensible.  He 
said  that  the  bed  must  be  established  in  "  a  light 
cellar."  Now  none  of  my  houses  had  a  light  cellar 
— neither  the  first  one  imported  from  ]N"antucket, 
which  might  be  expected  to  produce  any  imagin- 
able eccentricity,  nor  that  old-fashioned  farm-house 
at  Rockville  Centre,  nor  the  modern  production  of 
latli  and  plaster.  It  is  true  that  when  the  first  was  in 
the  formative  state — had  got  as  far  as  the  cellar  and 
no  farther — in  which  condition  it  remained,  as  has 
been  explained,  that  part  of  the  construction  was 
as  light  as  could  be  wished ;  still  I  felt  in  my  soul 
that  the  necessary  cellar  must  be  the  cellar  of  a 
house,  not  a  house  that  was  all  cellar.  If  Bridge- 
man  had   only  said  a   light   garret,   I  could  have 


Three  Hundred  Acres  Not  Enough.  303 

accommodated  liim.  But  all  cellars  I  had  ever  en- 
tered were  dark.  Or  if  there  had  been  some  way 
of  putting  a  cellar  out  of  doors.  I  could  have  in- 
troduced the  gas  into  the  cellar,  but  was  afraid  to 
burn  it  or  kerosene  lest  they  might  burn  too  much. 
I  was  all  in  the  dark  about  the  cellar,  and  doubted 
whether  artificial  aid  if  attainable  would  convert  its 
inherent  darkness  into  the  light  of  Bridgeman's  in- 
telligence. 

He  said  if  there  was  no  light  cellar  we  might  use 
an  old  shed.  But  here,  again,  was  a  similar  diffi- 
culty. We  had  no  old  shed ;  they  were  all  new : 
besides,  they  were  not  much  lighter  than  the  cellar. 
Light  was  evidently  necessary,  and  it  was  only  after 
much  thought  that  I  hit  upon  a  feasible  plan.  We 
had  built  a  sort  of  greenhouse;  it  had  not  been 
used  long,  the  plants  not  proving  green  enough  to 
live  in  it,  and  it  had  been  converted  into  a  chicken- 
coop  for  the  forcing  of  infant  chickens.  No  better 
place  could  be  selected,  if  light  was  wanted  ;  for  the 
sun  poured  down  upon  its  glass  roof  and  sides  all  day 
long,  till  the  chickens  got  so  over-heated  under  the 
forcing  process  that  they  spent  most  of  their  time, 
when  they  were  not  engaged  pulling  out  each 
other's  feathers,  standing  and  panting  with  their 
mouths  open.     Here  it  was  that  I  determined  to 


B04  Five    Acres    Too    Much. 

establish  the  mushroom-bed,  where  it  would  have 
a  sure  chance  to  heat,  and  where  it  could  have  as 
much  light  as  the  lightest  cellar  Bridgeman  had 
ever  discovered. 

When  I  subsequently  mentioned  my  intentions 
to  Patrick,  he  made  incoherent  remarks  about  "  its 
being  too  hot  intirely,  and  that  the  sun  would  burn 
them  all  up."  But  lie  had  not  studied  the  habits 
of  mushrooms  and  their  demand  for  light ;  so  we 
picked  out  "the  droppings,"  as  we  were  ordered 
from  day  to  day,  and  turned  and  flattened  them, 
and  laid  layers  of  earth  between  layers  of  them,  in 
the  tnost  approved  manner.  The  middle  of  August 
arrived  before  we  were  through,  and  the  place  was 
so  hot  I  fairly  gasped  as  I  worked  in  it ;  but  when 
it  was  completed,  I  broke  the  cakes  of  mushroom 
spawn  into  pieces,  and  deposited  them  under  a  few 
inches  of  soil,  and  covering  the  whole  with  a 
deep  mass  of  straw,  awaited  developments.  It  was 
some  time  before  any  results  made  their  appear- 
ance ;  then  there  was  a  motion  in  the  earth,  which, 
at  first  I  supposed  was  the  activity  of  the  seeds 
and  the  bursting  forth  of  the  fruitful  fungi. 
Nothing  of  that  sort  came  of  it.  Instead,  the 
motion  extended  itself  till  it  resembled  a  gentle 
movement  of  the  entire  bed.    At  this  my  suspicions 


Three  Hundred  Acres  Not  Enough.  305 

were  aroused,  and  I  proceeded  quietly  and  cau- 
tiously to  investigate.  I  lifted  ofE  the  straw  from 
one  corner,  and  stirred  the  earth  and  dug  down 
into  it ;  then  the  truth  came  upon  me.  There 
was  a  motion — a  motion  through  the  entire  con- 
glomeration of  earth  and  droppings ;  but  it  was  not 
of  the  bursting  fungi,  nor  even  vegetable  in  its 
origin;  it  was  entirely  vermicular:  the  bed  was 
one  wriggling,  moving,  turning,  twisting  mass  of 
worms.  They  might  have  been  a  new  development 
of  the  worm  family — a  sort  of  mushroom  worm 
produced  by  spontaneous  generation ;  but  I  had 
not  the  heart  to  investigate  them,  under  the  knowl- 
edge that  all  our  efforts  to  produce  a  bed  of  mush- 
rooms were  to  end  in  the  production  of  a  crop  of 
worms. 

I  said  nothing  to  Patrick,  but  carried  out  the 
straw,  and  let  in  the  chickens  once  more.  They 
had  got  a  fresh  growth  of  feathers  from  running 
about  the  grounds,  and  had  accumulated  a  healthy 
appetite,  and  the  way  they  scratched  and  dug  and 
dusted  in  that  mushroom-bed  showed  the  extent  of 
our  misdirected  results,  and  assured  me  that  if  we 
ever  wanted  to  raise  chickens  all  we  had  to  do  was 
to  establish  a  mushroom-bed  on  the  most  approved 
principles,  and  in  a  light  and  sunny  exposure. 


306  Five    Acres   Too   Much. 

Hardly,  liowever,  had  the  painful  admission  of 
our  faikire  been  forced  upon  us,  when  a  special 
Providence,  as  it  might  be  called,  or  an  agricultural 
equipoise,  came  to  our  assistance.  I  had  laid  out 
a  portion  of  the  garden  for  a  plot  of  fall  spinach, 
and  told  Patrick  to  give  it  what  is  politely  termed 
a  "  good  dressing" — a  ball  costume,  or  regular  wed- 
ding outfit  of  manure.  This  had  been  planted,  but 
gave  no  signs  of  coming  to  fruition ;  at  least  Pat- 
rick assured  me  that  he  had  "  put  lashings  of  seeds 
into  it,"  although  doubts  began  to  arise  whether 
he  had  not  forgotten  that  important  step  in  success- 
ful agriculture.  The  plants  certainly  did  not  show 
up,  although  we  were  now  passing  well  into  the 
autumn,  and  I  was  wondering  how  I  could  turn 
that  "  dressing"  to  account.  One  morning,  as  I  was 
studying  the  problem,  I  noticed  that  there  had  been 
a  movement  in  the  soil,  such  as  I  had  at  first 
hoped  from  my  mushroom-bed.  Little  mounds  had 
erected  themselves  here  and  there,  as  though  the 
tiniest  of  gnomes  were  at  work,  or  the  spinach  had 
collected  itself  in  spots  for  one  tremendous  and 
united  effort  to  break  through  the  stubborn  soil.  I 
instantly  suspected  more  worms,  and  thought  of 
turning  the  chickens  from  the  hothouse  into  the 
garden,  but  before  doing  so  resolved  to  investigate. 


Three  Hundred  Acres  Not  Enough.  307 

To  my  equal  surprise  and  deliglit  I  found,  on  un- 
covering one  of  these  mounds,  that  tliey  were  the 
mud-homes  of  the  precious  fungi,  and  that  the 
mushrooms  which  were  vainly  sought  in  the  light 
of  science,  were  the  mound-builders,  and  had  sur- 
reptitiously transferred  themselves  to  the  garden. 
There  are  many  surprises  in  horticulture,  and 
especially  in  mushroom  propagation.  Having  pro- 
duced a  bed  of  vermicular  life  when  I  was  in  pur- 
suit of  fungi,  a  reward  of  fungi  had  equalized 
matters  by  usurping  the  place  of  a  plot  of  spinach. 
I  watched  those  succulent  eccentricities  with  the 
attention  they  merited.  I  lifted  the  earth  off  their 
tender  heads  lest  they  should  be  pressed  back  into 
the  ground.  I  gloated  over  their  creamy  consist- 
ency, so  superior  to  the  dull  discoloration  of  the 
vapid  and  faded  objects  purchased  in  the  markets. 
At  last  my  well-earned  triumph  was  to  come,  and 
Weeville  was  to  be  taught  that,  although  I  might 
not  succeed  precisely  as  I  had  planned,  intelligence 
and  study  were  sure  to  be  crowned  in  the  end. 
The  weather  was  growing  cooler,  the  season  being 
early,  and  I  felt  that  no  time  was  to  be  lost. 

I  proceeded  promptly  to  make  a  collection  of 
the  luscious  edibles  as  soon  as  tliey  were  suf- 
ficiently   matured    and    abundant,    determined    to 


308  Five   Acres   Too    Much. 

use  them  as  a  surprise  to  my  friends  in  the  city, 
including  Weeville,  who  was  not  to  escape  from 
my  triumph  now.  There  was  no  depending  on 
the  uncertain  future,  for  the  grounds  of  glory 
were  in  the  basket.  I  telegraphed  an  invita- 
tion to  a  supper  at  the  Manhattan  Club,  merely 
saying  I  would  bring  a  dish  from  my  farm  tliat 
I  thought  would  astonish  my  friends,  and  teach 
them  that  there  was  something  in  home-farming 
after  all.  It  was  a  big  basket  and  well  iilled,  that 
there  might  be  no  stint,  and  weighed  so  heavily 
when  packed  that  I  put  it  on  the  piazza  out  of  the 
sun  till  Patrick  should  bring  up  the  horse.  The 
horse  was  rather  restive ;  horses  always  are  restive 
till  you  get  in,  and  seem  to  be  in  a  terrible  hurry, 
and  there  is  no  end  to  their  anxiety  to  be  under 
way  till  they  are,  when  they  generally  become  more 
moderate.  Our  horse  was  peculiarly  unsteady  on 
this  occasion,  and  Patrick  had  all  he  could  do  to 
control  him  as  I  climbed  over  the  wheels,  for  years 
of  hard  toil  in  the  field  have  made  me  stiff  in 
my  limbs,  and  slow  in  climbing.  So  we  started 
in  some  confusion  and  trepidation.  It  was  only 
when  the  train  had  reached  Jamaica  that  I  found 
that  I  had  forgotten  all  about  my  basket  of  mush- 
rooms, and  had  left  it  calmly  resting  in  the  shadiest 
part  of  the  piazza* 


Three  Hundred  Acres  Not  Enough.  309 

The  little  party  went  off  very  pleasantly  at  the 
club,  and  I  left  the  guests  mystified  as  to  which 
special  dish  it  was  that  had  come  from  the  farm, 
although  Weeville  in  his  blunt  fashion  blurted 
out  that  he  believed  "  I  had  made  another  failure 
of  it." 

That  night  there  came  a  severe  frost,  and  not 
only  were  all  the  mushrooms  that  had  been  picked 
shrivelled  up,  but  those  in  the  garden  were  killed. 
I  kept  that  spot  sacred  next  season,  hoping  that  the 
treasure  of  the  earth  would  again  present  itself: 
but  the  little  genii  never  favored  me  thereafter ; 
nothing  but  weeds  grew  the  ensuing  summer,  and 
after  that  we  converted  it  to  the  raising  of  corn  and 
cucumbers.  This  was  a  disappointment,  but  I  had 
the  satisfaction  of  feeling  that  I  had  raised  the 
finest  mushrooms  that  ever  were  seen,  and  could 
raise  them  again,  provided  they  took  into  their 
heads  to  appear  as  unexpectedly  as  in  this  remark- 
able instance.  It  is  a  permanent  pleasure  to  dwell 
on  the  thought  of  how  good  they  would  have  been, 
if  only  we  had  had  a  chance  to  try  them,  and  had 
not  forgotten  that  basket,  and  I  never  can  pass  that 
portion  of  the  garden  without  a  reawakening  of 
such  sentiments,  and  if  any  visitors  happen  to  be 
with  me  taking  occasion  to  point  out  to  them  my 
mushroom-bed. 


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